“No. I’m not getting them so much anymore. But I’m still not doing that great at school.”
She smoothed a hand over his blue-and-white striped shirt. A streak of dirt ran down the back. “That’s okay, Ben.”
He turned to her, his face open and trusting. “But you always said school was the most important thing.”
“I never said that.”
Rather than argue back, her son sat silently. But she saw the disbelief in his eyes.
“Lots of things are more important than school. Family, friends…health.”
Ben remained unimpressed.
Why wasn’t she reaching him? Maybe because actions speak louder than words. She thought back on all the marathon studying sessions since Ben’s accident. Her focus on his reading and math skills.
She’d been so proud of her clever son and she’d wanted him back—desperately. What she hadn’t seen was that she had him. All this time he’d been here, waiting for her to accept him just as he was.
“Oh, Ben. Your mom isn’t so smart sometimes.” She hugged him. Tight. And though he still had nothing to say, he had no hesitation in hugging her right back.
Her precious boy.
“School isn’t the important thing, Ben. You are.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
BY FIVE IN THE AFTERNOON, Ben had been released from the hospital and Russell drove the three of them home. The white silhouette of Chatsworth’s grain elevator against the expansive backdrop of blue sky was now a familiar sight to Julie. Russell took the left-hand turn slowly. The two little girls—Mandy and Anna—who lived on the block, were out on their bikes. Julie waved as they drove cautiously by.
Both girls waved back and hollered hellos to Ben.
“Can I show them my cast?” he asked eagerly, as soon as Russell had pulled into the garage.
“Okay, but don’t be too long. I’ll make grilled cheese sandwiches for supper, then it’s an early night for you.”
Watson, waiting at the door, was ecstatic to welcome them home.
“Good boy.” Julie bent to give him a scratch. Soon Skip meandered by and deigned to be patted, as well.
Russell had kept the place neat, the kitchen clean. For Julie to rustle up a quick meal didn’t take long. Ben almost fell asleep at the table and didn’t protest when Julie led him to his bedroom.
He settled quickly and Julie returned to the kitchen, looking for her husband.
Russell stood at the sink, finishing the dinner dishes. She came up from behind, wanting to slide her arms around his waist and lean her face into his back. But then she thought of Heather at the hospital. And she folded her arms around herself, instead.
“He’s finally asleep. The poor boy is exhausted.”
Russell pulled the plug and water gurgled down the drain. “How are you doing? You seemed tired at dinner.”
“It’s been a long day.” She hadn’t eaten anything for hours. Her stomach still felt cramped and anxious, even now that she knew Ben was okay. More than food, her body craved rest. But she knew the time had come to focus on her and Russell. A little honesty was desperately needed. On both sides.
“Russell, can we talk?”
“That’s a good idea.” He looked as tense as she felt. “But why don’t you have a bath first while I make coffee.”
She escaped into the bathroom, grateful for the opportunity to clean herself up. She’d been so busy tending to Ben she hadn’t even taken the time to go to the washroom.
First, she started the bathwater running, then she slipped out of her torn skirt, soiled blouse and ruined hose. In her bra and underwear, she stood at the sink, brushing her teeth. She was aware of a dampness that made her wonder if she’d put off going to the bathroom for too long.
But when she sat at the toilet, she saw a bloodstain on her panties. She stared at the dark splotch, too numb to think. Finally, when the tub was on the verge of overflowing, she got up to turn off the water and yank the plug. She found a pad from under the sink, then wrapped her body in a towel.
“Finished already?” Russell stood in the hall by the door. He must have heard her let the water out. Now he eyed her still-dry hair.
“I didn’t have my bath.” She let her glance drop. “I started to bleed….”
Russell’s frown lines deepened. “You mean your period’s started?”
“Actually, I haven’t had a period in months.” This was a hell of a way to tell him. But what choice had her body given her? “I’m pregnant, Russell. About two months.”
“Pregnant?”
“Only, now I’ve started bleeding, so I may be having a miscarriage.”
Miscarriage. Saying the word aloud made the possibility seem real. Too real. She put a hand out to the wall to steady herself.
Russell stood speechless. She couldn’t gauge his reaction. Not when she’d given him so much to take in all at once.
“We’d better get you to the hospital,” he finally said. “You get dressed. I’ll call Mom to come over and watch Ben.”
For once, Julie was glad for her mother-in-law’s presence in their lives. She pulled on clean underwear and a long, flowing dress. As she rushed, she hardly knew what to feel.
Logically, she ought to be glad. After all, she hadn’t wanted this baby. She was pretty sure Russell didn’t, either. Though that first glimmer in his eyes when she’d given him the news had seemed kind of…joyous.
Julie paused in front of the mirror, her hand on her stomach. The cramps didn’t feel so bad now, but she couldn’t forget that smear of blood on her panties. She’d had no trouble with spotting when she’d been pregnant with Ben. Did that mean this was a miscarriage for sure?
Scared, she went down the hall to find Russell. He held the front door open, and Julie saw Betty out on the street, slamming the door on her car.
“She drove so she’d be faster,” Russ explained. “Grab your purse and a coat. It’s chilly out there.”
Julie passed Betty on the sidewalk. The older woman paused and touched Julie’s arm.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll take good care of Ben.”
Julie had no doubt that she would. Betty loved both her son and her grandson fiercely. That made for one very important thing they had in common. “Thanks, Betty. You don’t know how glad I am that I can leave him in your hands.”
Betty’s lips trembled. “Russell, you look after your wife now.”
“I will, Mom.” He’d already backed the car out of the garage and was waiting for Julie to hop in.
“Phone me and let me know what’s happening,” Betty added before they drove away.
WITH THE WINTER EQUINOX approaching, the nights were coming earlier and lasting longer. In the car, Julie found the darkness comforting. She leaned back in her seat and listened to the constant vibrations of the motor and the humming of tires on pavement. Even the rattle in the dashboard Russell was forever trying to fix seemed a familiar, reassuring sound.
“Are you comfortable?” Russell asked.
“I’m fine.” She could sense his tension, even though it was too dark to see the frown lines on his forehead.
“Not in any pain?”
“No.”
“That’s good.”
He waited a few minutes, then asked the question Julie had been expecting. “When did you find out you were pregnant?”
If she’d had the energy, she might have been tempted to lie. As it was, the truth was all she could manage. “A few days before you told your mother that a new baby would be the worst thing that could happen to us.”
“Oh, shit.”
“After that, I decided to wait until after I’d seen my doctor in Vancouver to tell you. Which was probably the wrong decision,” she admitted.
“Julie, I never would have said that if I’d had a clue you were pregnant.”
“I know.”
“I didn’t even mean it when I said it. I was just thinking of the fight we’d had the other night….”
Whe
n she’d been so angry at him for suggesting he might want more than one child.
“You should have told me earlier how you felt,” she said. “About a lot of things. Not just kids, but where you wanted to live and the kind of work that would make you happy.”
Russell cleared his throat, then shifted his weight forward a little in the seat. “You were very clear when we decided to get married about the life you wanted. I thought I could be happy living that way, too, as long as I was with you.”
“But you weren’t?”
“At the beginning I was. Then Ben was in that accident and everything changed for me. Julie, I really did believe I was doing the right thing for our family when I suggested we move here. But Friday night, you were gone and Ben was out. I got to thinking about our future.”
“What about our future?” Had he been considering moving out? As she recalled Heather’s presence at the hospital, the notion didn’t seem as preposterous as it once might have done.
“You haven’t been happy here.” It wasn’t a question; still, he paused for her reply.
“Well. Not overly. No.”
“So we should go back. To the coast.”
Selfish woman that she was, she considered her job first, and her friends. Then her husband and son. “But you and Ben are happy here. Ben’s made good friends.”
“Yeah. But what about you?”
Now was the time to tell him about the promotion. But she hesitated.
“Julie, when you left for Vancouver, I was afraid you were going for good.”
“Oh, Russell.” She put a hand over his on the steering wheel. They were approaching the T-intersection to Yorkton now. He halted at the stop sign, then faced her.
“Julie, if you want to move back, that’s what we’ll do.”
“I’m not sure what I want,” she admitted. How could she ask Russell and Ben to give up a life that made them happy, just to suit her? On the other hand, weren’t her preferences as important as theirs?
“Did you see your doctor in Vancouver?” he asked in a low voice.
“Yes.” She knew she had to tell him what she and Eva had discussed and how she’d almost gone to that clinic. But not yet.
“I should have clued in when you were sick those mornings.”
“No. I should have told you.”
A big semitrailer wheeling in behind them forced Russell to stop looking at her and pay attention to the road. He turned right, then took the next left. As the hospital neared, Julie was unable to concentrate on anything except that smear of blood. What did it mean? What was happening to her?
Russell dropped her off at the emergency entrance, parked the car and was back just as she’d explained to the admitting nurse about the bleeding.
“You’re pregnant?” the nurse asked.
When she confirmed the fact, they were immediately taken to a small examining room. A second nurse handed Julie a green cloth with ties. “The doctor will probably want to do an internal.”
Russell helped Julie with the buttons on her dress, then draped the green cloth around her. When it became clear they would have to wait for a while, they sat in the two available chairs.
Suddenly Julie couldn’t hold the words in anymore. “Russell, when I first found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t exactly thrilled.”
A new kind of sadness, one she’d never seen in him before, darkened his eyes. “Maybe that’s why you didn’t tell me.”
“Partly. As well, you’d just been told about Heather’s baby. And that comment at your mother’s…I worried you wouldn’t be happy. That got me thinking that if neither of us wanted another child, it would be crazy to go through with the pregnancy.”
She could see the growing shock on Russell’s face, as he guessed where she was heading.
“Oh, Julie. You didn’t…?”
Determined, she forged on. Only now, she couldn’t meet his gaze, but had to stare at the floor. “I made an appointment at a women’s health clinic when I was in Vancouver. That’s where I was when you called me about Ben. Trying to work up the courage to open the door.”
“Oh, my God, Julie. I can’t believe this.”
She heard the disgust in his voice and knew he would never think of her in the same way again. Still, she’d had to tell him. They’d kept too many secrets. And still there were others.
“Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mother.”
“What do you mean—you’re not cut out to be a mother? What about Ben? You are a mother, for God’s sake!”
“But not a very good one. Russell, the day of Ben’s accident—I was supposed to take him to the aquarium. I canceled our plans because of a meeting at work. If he’d been with me…”
“Stop it.” He left his chair so quickly it almost toppled. Gripping her shoulders, he hovered over her. “Not everything is up to you, Julie. You take on so damn much, and when it gets to be overwhelming, what do you do?”
She’d never seen him this angry.
“Julie, if you’ve been blaming yourself for Ben’s injury, well, that’s plain crazy. So you went to a meeting. You left him in good hands. Who could have predicted a drunk would rear-end Jeff’s family van that day?”
He let go of her and paced to the other side of the small room. Standing with his back against a small, utilitarian sink, he dropped his hands into his pockets.
“Jule, don’t you think I had those thoughts myself? If I hadn’t gone to the cottage for the weekend, I’d have been home that morning. I could have been the one taking Ben and Jeff to the aquarium.”
“Oh, Russell.” She hunched her shoulders, hands pressed to her eyes.
“I should have guessed you’d feel guilty,” Russell said. “But why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” She was the woman who could do it all. The super mother with the picture-perfect home, the poster-child son, the dynamic career. Only, she’d dropped the ball on that day in April.
“Oh, baby…” Russell dropped to his knees beside her to take her hands. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Whatever had gone wrong wasn’t his fault. It was her. She just wasn’t right for him. Hadn’t his mother known from the start? And who understood a man better than his own mother?
A quick, loud knock at the door startled them both. An older woman, Dr. Burrows, walked briskly inside.
“So you’re pregnant and you’ve been experiencing some spotting.” She spoke with her gaze trained on the chart in her hands. “How far along are you?”
“About two months.”
“We probably won’t get a fetal heart rate, then, not even with the Doppler. Is this the first time you noticed any bleeding?”
Julie answered a litany of questions, trying to quell her growing panic. Something had to be wrong. The doctor appeared so grim. Well, of course something was wrong. Women weren’t supposed to bleed when they were pregnant.
She was going to lose this baby, and it was exactly what she deserved. Hadn’t she prayed for this very thing to happen? Hadn’t she made an appointment, which she’d almost kept, to force this to happen?
But she wanted her baby. The realization had been growing in her ever since she’d spotted the blood. She wanted her baby—only now it was too late. Her body had sensed her negative feelings and was rejecting the fetus. She was about to miscarry and it was all her fault!
“Julie?” Russell moved past the doctor to take her hand again. “Are you okay?”
She felt his warm, strong fingers close over hers and his touch helped as the doctor continued her quizzing.
“This blood you saw—can you tell me what color? Was it bright red or more on the brown side?”
“On the brown side.”
“Well, that’s a good sign.” She went to the sink to wash her hands. “Mr. Matthew, perhaps you could help your wife onto the examination table. We’ll take a quick look and make sure everything is fine. You know, a little spotting in the first trimester is not always
a sign of the worst.”
Julie almost cried with relief. Why couldn’t the doctor have said as much in the beginning?
Five minutes later, the doctor left with a warning for Julie to get lots of rest, refrain from sex and return to the hospital if she experienced anymore bleeding.
The moment the doctor left, closing the door behind her, something in Julie snapped. She dropped her face into her hands and wept.
“It’s been a crazy day.” Russell helped her gently off the examination table and then tried to hold her against his chest.
She backed off, unable to accept his compassion, when she knew he had to be furious with her. At least, he had every right to be.
A nurse tapped on the door, needing to prepare the room for the next patient. Russell tried again to put his arm around Julie and this time she let him. Frankly, she required support to walk out of the room and out of that hospital.
The cold outdoor air hit her like a snap of common sense. She stopped to enjoy a deep, cleansing breath and stared up into the sky. Joy, faint yet unmistakable, began to edge out some of the anxiety.
“I’m still pregnant. I can’t believe it. I was so sure I was going to lose the baby.”
Russell stood a yard away from her, his masculine form a silhouette in the artificial light of a street lamp. “I’m so glad,” he said.
“Me, too.”
He stepped toward her, brushing back her hair with both hands, then tilting her head up. “Do you mean that, Julie?”
The question was well deserved. Still, she hated that he had to ask. “Yes. I don’t believe I would have gone through with the…abortion…today.” She’d been so upset she hadn’t even been able to go in the door.
“But I can’t swear on it,” she admitted. “If you hadn’t called when you did, I’m not sure what I would have done.”
She hated the uncertainty of that. Hated to think that she might have taken such an irrevocable step during a moment of confusion and unhappiness.
“I’m sure—” Russell hugged her “—you wouldn’t have.”
She loved the smell of his old denim jacket, the strength of his body, the tenderness of his touch. Where did he get his faith in her?
Small-Town Girl (Mills & Boon Vintage Superromance) (Mills & Boon Superromance) Page 19
