Wasted

by Suzannah Daniels

  “I wasn’t making it up, Seren. I really am in love with Mason.”

  Her jaw dropped open. “Did Mason know that you meant it?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, he knows, that’s why he’s avoiding me.”

  Obviously stunned, Seren didn’t respond.

  I exhaled loudly. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should just follow his lead and steer clear of him or whether I should try to talk to him again. He basically told me that there was no future for us.”

  “Did he say why?”

  I shook my head.

  “I don’t know Mason as well as you know him, but if you really like him, you should talk to him again. What’s the worst thing that’ll happen?”

  “The worst thing? Remember what happened when you told that new boy you liked him in sixth grade?”

  Seren laughed. “Yeah, I scared him so bad he told everyone I had cooties.”

  “Exactly.”

  “So you’re afraid Mason will tell everyone you have cooties?”

  “No. I’m afraid I’ll scare him away.”

  Seren leaned in and whispered, “I never told you that he asked me to be his girlfriend on the playground the next day.”

  I smacked her lightly on the leg. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because he told me that he would break up with me if I told anyone.”

  “What’s your point?” I asked, wondering how that fit in with my current predicament. “I should tell Mason we can keep our relationship a secret?”

  She scoffed. “Of course not. My point is that sometimes boys are afraid of girls, even when they want the girls for themselves. You can’t figure out what’s scaring Mason if you don’t talk to him.”

  ***

  Two hours later, I went home, thoughts of Mason eddying in my head. I knew that he was attracted to me, although I had no idea if he felt as strongly about me as I did about him.

  When I pushed the front door open, I saw his silhouette in the chair, a glass of whiskey in his hand.

  “Where have you been?” he asked, his deep voice laced with melancholy.

  “At Seren’s.”

  “Damn, Lexi,” he said, leaning forward and setting his glass on a coaster on the coffee table. “You scared the hell out of me.” He rubbed his palms across his face.

  “I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure why I had scared him, but it hadn’t been my intention.

  “I was afraid you’d run into Kevin again. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

  “You called me?” I took my phone out of my purse.

  “At least ten times.”

  “I forgot to turn my ringer back on after work.”

  He downed the whiskey in one gulp and set the empty glass on the coffee table. “I guess I’ll go to bed now.”

  “You were waiting up for me?”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t sleep until I knew you were okay.” He motioned toward me. “Now I know.”

  I set my purse down on the coffee table and stopped in front of him. “Sorry if I worried you.”

  Abruptly, he stood up and placed his palms on my shoulders. He opened his mouth to speak, but then he shut it and released me. As he turned and walked toward the hall, he called over his shoulder, “Good night, Lex.”

  “Night.”

  Watching him as he disappeared around the corner, I stood motionless, fragments of things I wanted to say flitting through my head. I thought of my conversation with Seren earlier, and I wondered if Mason was afraid of something. Maybe it had nothing to do with me. Maybe he was just one of those guys who had some kind of commitment phobia.

  Even though he’d been drinking, I could tell from his movements he wasn’t drunk. Maybe now would be just as good a time as any to talk to him.

  I went after him, but as I turned the corner toward the hall, I realized that he was already in his bedroom with the door closed.

  Unable to stop myself, I continued walking until I stood outside his doorway, wondering if I should go through with it.

  Touched by his need to wait up for me, I knocked on the door. “Mason?”

  “Come in.”

  Turning the knob, I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. “Could we talk for a minute?”

  His back was to me as he stood near his bed in his boxers. He reached up and ran his hands through his hair, his soft exhalation barely audible. I knew he didn’t like to be called pretty, but as I gazed at his body, bathed in the soft light that spilled from the hallway, I couldn’t help but focus on how beautiful he was to me. The lines of his physical beauty and his inner beauty had overlapped, and my attraction to him was a combination of his good looks and his sweet, protective nature, his ability to make me smile, to make me happy.

  In his current stance, his biceps bulged, and as he lowered his arms to his sides, the muscles of his back rippled into action. He turned, his eyes studying my face, although I doubted he could see my expression with the light emanating from behind me.

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Then don’t send me away for no reason.”

  “I have my reasons.”

  “Like what?” I shifted my feet. “Are you still in love with your ex-wife? Is that why you’re still sending her money?”

  He sank down onto the edge of the bed, his forearms resting on his knees as he leaned forward. “I was in love with her, but life happened.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked, holding my palms out in front of me in frustration. “Talk to me, Mason.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “What happened? Why did y’all divorce?”

  He buried his face in his hands.

  Kneeling beside him, I pulled his hands away. “If you really want me to walk away, I will, but you’re going to have to tell me that you don’t want this, that you don’t want me."

  He took my hands in his and gave them a reassuring squeeze. “When you didn’t come home, I thought I was going to go crazy. I know I have no right to say this, but the thought of Kevin touching you, even if it was something you wanted, was driving me insane. Then I worried that he had stalked you, that he might hurt you.

  “I just wanted to drown myself in whiskey, but I couldn’t even drink it. I was afraid that you might call, that you might need me, and I didn’t want to be impaired. I stared at the glass for hours, but I couldn’t drink one drop until I saw you come through that door.”

  “I didn’t realize that you were worried, or I would’ve told you that I was with Seren.”

  He reached out and smoothed a strand of hair from my face. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. “You asked me if I was still in love with Rachel. She and I’ve been through a lot together. While I do love her on some level, I’m not in love with her.

  “I dated her my senior year of high school, and it wasn’t long until our relationship grew serious. She got pregnant.

  “Hell, even though I had no idea what I was doing, I married her. We both wanted the baby, and we told each other that we could make it work. And we did for a while.”

  “You have a child?” I asked, wondering why he hadn’t mentioned that important bit of information before now.

  “Rachel had a rough pregnancy, and our daughter was born prematurely.” The corners of his mouth tilted up before he pressed his lips together and frowned. He swallowed and took a deep breath. “Rachel insisted that we name her Madison because the first two letters and the last three letters spelled Mason. It was her way of naming our daughter after me.

  “I could hold….” His voice cracked, broken by a hurricane of emotions, and he cleared his throat and started again. “She was so small, I could hold her in the palm of my hand. I couldn’t believe that we had made this tiny, precious baby. Her little fist wasn’t as big as the tip of my finger.”

  He struggled with his words, and his overwhelming melancholy told me how this story ended. Unable to hide his grief any longer, he squeezed the
bridge of his nose as his shoulders began to shake.

  Rising up on my knees, I hugged him, cradling him against my shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed me. Desperately wanting to ease his pain, I hoped that he found a modicum of comfort in my presence. Having never experienced anything that could compare to what he’d just told me, I searched for the words that would diminish his anguish, but in my heart, I knew there weren’t any. All I could do was let him know that he wasn’t alone.

  “She was so beautiful,” he whispered, his voice full of emotion. “I wanted to take her in my arms and make everything okay.” A choked sob escaped him. “But I couldn’t, Lexi. I couldn’t help her.”

  The agony of his helplessness seeped to my bones, and my heart ached for him. What could be worse than a father unable to save his own child?

  As I closed my eyes, tears slipped beneath my lids. I could feel the hot trail they left in their wake as they streamed along my cheeks.

  He pulled back and looked at me, tears dripping from his angular jawline. With the overpowering need to ease his suffering, I lowered my lips to his. He tasted of whiskey, and the slow, methodical way he moved his tongue made me feel like he was drawing strength from me, like I was his refuge and he was savoring the sanctuary of my embrace.

  Mason had divulged another part of his story, an excruciating chapter that made me feel privileged that he had shared it with me.

  I still didn’t know why he was sending his ex-wife money, but I knew that the answer could wait.

  Chapter 18

  A Thief in the Night

  Mason

  I woke up with Lexi in my arms, her back nestled against my chest, and it felt so damn good. She was wearing one of my Tennessee Vols tees, her dark hair contrasting against the deep orange.

  Closing my eyes, I remembered how much she’d scared the shit out of me last night. I’d had no idea whether Kevin was obsessed enough to hurt her or whether he’d be able to coax her into getting back with him. Either scenario pissed me off, and the fact that she wasn’t answering her phone added to my anxiety.

  Tightening my arm around her, I found myself wanting to hold on to her. After my relationship with Rachel fell apart, I’d intentionally kept my distance from women, not physically but emotionally. I enjoyed a good romp with a woman as much as the next guy, and I had no trouble finding women who were looking for the same, nothing serious just a little fun.

  But one touch from Lexi in a moment of weakness was all it had taken for me to crave something more. She’d pointed out early on that I was chasing meaningless relationships. It wasn’t news to me, but it did make me examine my life. Was that what I really wanted?

  If it was, she wouldn’t have been able to make me want to trade my empty life in for a chance at happiness with her, to make me want things that I had given up on long ago, things that she could give me, things that I wanted from her, not anyone else.

  Closing my eyes and smelling the clean scent of her hair, I knew that this was one of the things that I wanted, to be able to wake up with someone every morning, someone who cared about me, who cared about what I needed, what I felt.

  I hadn’t talked about my daughter with anyone since Rachel and I had split. Madison had been a precious gift, and her loss had made me doubt everything about myself.

  Lexi stirred, turning over and burying her face against my torso. “Good morning,” she whispered as she kissed the center of my chest.

  I ran my hand up her back and entwined my fingers in her silky hair as I pressed my fingers against her scalp and kissed the top of her head. “Morning.”

  She tilted her head back, peering at me. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” I thought about our conversation in the wee hours of the early morning. “I didn’t mean to burden you.”

  She rose on her elbows, a look of disbelief on her face. “Oh, no. It wasn’t a burden. I told you I wanted to know everything about you. I’m just sorry that you had to go through something so horrific.” She touched my face, her fingertips rubbing against the stubble on my jaw. “I’m glad that you told me.” Her voice was soft, caressing me like an angel beckoning me to walk toward the light. I wanted the gentleness of her embrace, the comfort of her soothing voice, the unrestricted love that I knew a girl like her would offer. She would give all of herself to someone, and whoever was on the receiving end would be damn lucky to have her.

  And I wanted her for myself.

  I smoothed her hair from her face, needing to touch her. “It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about anyone. I want a relationship with you, Lex, but it scares the hell out of me.”

  She leaned into my palm. “It scares me, too. And there are no guarantees, but sometimes, we just have to find the one person that’s worth the risk.” Closing her eyes, she grasped my forearm, holding my palm steady against her softly rounded jawline. Her long lashes fanned across her cheek, and I was captivated by her, unable to look away.

  When she finally opened her eyes, she gazed at me warmly. “You’re worth the risk, Mason.”

  I pulled her to my chest, clutching her, afraid that if I let her go she would change her mind. She always said what I needed to hear, even when I didn’t know what I needed. But the one thing that I did know was that I needed her, and damn it, I was going to have her.

  We had the day off, and after taking the time to freshen up, I pulled her back into bed with me. A peal of laughter tinkled through the air as I grabbed her, twisting in bed until I lay on my back and she straddled me. Cupping her breast through the tee shirt, my other hand snaked under the fabric, settling on her hip. “You have no idea what you do to me, do you?”

  Her bottom squirmed against me as she backed into my erection. “I think I might have some idea.”

  I kept my line of vision on her face. “That’s not what I mean, Lex.”

  Her smile faded as she locked eyes with me. Her parted lips closed, and she swallowed. “What do you mean?” she whispered, her dark tousled hair tumbling around her shoulders.

  I reached up and twirled a strand around my finger. “I never knew how much my life would change that day you parked your pretty little ass at my bar. I never knew how much I would change.”

  Watching me intently, she didn’t say anything. She was a damn good listener, and I couldn’t remember the last time that anyone other than her had really listened. “You make me feel like I matter.”

  “You do matter.” Her brow furrowed as if her full concentration was aimed in my direction. “You matter to me.”

  “That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about. It feels…nice.”

  “We all want to feel like someone cares about us,” she said softly. “When I realized that you waited up for me last night because you were worried…I’m not going to lie…I liked it. You spend all your time taking care of everyone else, Mason, and I love that you’ve been taking care of me, too. Now let me take care of you.”

  Cupping her nape, I drew her to me for a kiss. “Let’s take care of each other.” I grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head, exposing her full breasts and her slender waist. My hands slid up her sides and curved around, teasing her flesh until her nipples hardened beneath my palms.

  Damn, she was beautiful. But making love to her was about more than just sexual pleasure, it was about letting her in, about offering myself to her, about being vulnerable and trusting her with every part of me, even those parts that I still feared she wouldn’t like.

  ***

  “I made you a sammich,” I said, offering her the plate that toted an expertly made PB&J.

  “Are you trying to keep me in bed all day?” She sat up, the sheet pooling at her waist. After a tender lovemaking session, she had donned my Tennessee tee and her sexy red panties.

  “You don’t like my plan?” I handed her a drink.

  “Oh, I like it, but you know Spanky’s retirement party is tomorrow. I need to go to the grocery store. I need to pick up some fruit and chee
se and…don’t let me forget to add watermelon to my list. Will you go with me?”

  Crawling in bed beside her, I reached out and cupped her breast. “No, thanks. I have all the melons I need.”

  “Mason!” she squealed.

  I chuckled. “I’s just messing with ya. If you want me to go grocery shopping, then I’ll do it. I still like my plan better, though.”

  She grinned at me, shifting her position until she was sitting cross-legged. “I like your plan, too, but Spanky will be moving to Florida soon. Don’t you want to give him a nice party?”

  Part of me was still frustrated that Spanky hadn’t given me time to come up with the money to buy the bar. I understood why he needed to move quickly, but damn, I’d wanted it so badly. “Of course, I want him to have a nice party. Spanky’s like family to me. But it still sucks that I wasn’t able to buy the bar.”

  “Things have a way of working out.” She gave me a reassuring smile. “Okay then. I’m going to eat this yummy sammich. Then, I’ll grab a quick shower, and we can head out.” She took a bite of the sandwich and gave me a funny look.

  “What?”

  She swallowed. “Aren’t you going to eat a sandwich?”

  “Already did.”

  “You already ate it?”

  “Well, it’s not but a couple of bites, and why dirty another plate?”

  “Men,” she mumbled under her breath.

  “Can’t live without them,” I said.

  “Actually, I can.” She gave me a look that dared me to contradict her.

  I tugged the sheet off her lap and slid my palm along her leg until my fingers curved around her thigh. “Are you sure you want to live without men?” I asked, brushing my fingertips against the thin lacy material that separated us.

  She didn’t reply, and I knew she was reacting to my touch.

  “Mason….” She set her drink and the plate on the small table beside my bed. As she maneuvered, my fingers slid beneath the fabric, and she released a shattered breath.