isiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said, “we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.”
“I get it,” the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No,” the director said.
“A normal person would pull the plug.”
— JOSH ROBERTS
A
woman called our hospital switchboard requesting an ambulance. “You need to dial 911,” I said.
“Okay,” she answered. “And they’ll have the phone number for the ambulance?”
— SONYA SQUIRRELL
“I
hate taking my allergy medicine,” my friend Mikayla complained. “The stuff makes me groggy.”
“Why not stop?” I asked.
“Well, it does work. So I guess that means I’d rather be dopey or sleepy than sneezy.”
— SARAH POLEYNARD
S
ay what? I was phoning a specialist to make an appointment. A woman picked up and announced, “Urology. Can you please hold?”
— FREDERICK KOENIG
S
itting in the orthopedic surgeon’s office cradling my broken hand, I racked my brains but couldn’t come up with the medical term for my scheduled procedure. “Excuse me,” I said to the physician’s assistant. “What’s the term doctors use for setting a broken bone?”
He grinned. “Billable procedure.”
— PAUL SMITH
A
man goes to his doctor and hands him a note that says, “I can’t talk! Please help me!”
“Okay,” says the doctor. “Put your thumb on the table.”
The man doesn’t understand how that will help, but he does what he’s told. The doctor picks up a huge book and drops it on the man’s thumb.
“AAAAAAAAA!” the man yells.
“Good,” says the doctor. “Come back tomorrow, and we’ll work on B.”
— L. B. WEINSTEIN
I
n order to process a medical claim, I asked a patient’s mother to send details of her son’s accident to me at our hospital’s business office. The boy had suffered a broken arm, so the file was coded “Treatment of limb.” Aptly so, I thought, after reading her description of the accident: “My son was running through the yard and turned into a tree.”
— KIMBERLY SHERRELL
A
patient at my daughter’s medical clinic filled out a form. After “Name” and “Address,” the next question was “Nearest Relative.” She wrote, “Walking distance.”
— GIA SPOOR
Patients, beware: Doctors and nurses are writing things on your charts behind your back.
“Hourly observations should be taken every half-hour.”
“At the beginning of treatment, the patient should be taken into the treatment room, where a member of the nursing staff will get familiar with him.”
“Encourage the patient to eat; if he does not, supplement the diet with smacks.”
“I calmed the patient down by calling her names quietly.”
“The patient has been depressed since I started nursing her.”
— JOHN WIGHTMAN
O
ne crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine-sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom.
A few minutes later he returned to me at my nurses station, holding the empty cup in his hand. “I didn’t need this, after all,” he said. “There was a toilet in there.”
— LINDA FEIKLE
M
y doctor swore that my colonoscopy would be painless, but the nurse made it seem otherwise. “The lab,” she said, “will call to set a date for your screaming.”
— DEBBIE MASTERSON
A
t the dentist’s office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: “Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can’t sue you?”
“No, that’s the next sheet,” she said. “This one says you still have to pay us.”
— LAWRENCE MARQ GOLDBERG
T
hree psychiatrists agree that people always come to them with their problems, but they have no one to go to with theirs, so they decide to listen to one another’s deepest, darkest secrets.
The first confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper, deeply in debt. So I always overbill patients.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem, and I pressure my patients into buying drugs for me.”
The third says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
— L. B. WEINSTEIN
W
hen my mother hit her head at work, she suffered a nasty gash and bled all over her blouse. It was bad enough that the hospital gave her a donated T-shirt. Imagine my surprise, then, when I got to the ER and found the woman who raised me with two black eyes and stitches on her forehead, wearing a T-shirt that read, “I Survived the Grand Rapids Pub Crawl.”
— SEAN PARKER
M
ary decides to consult a diet doctor. “What’s the most you’ve ever weighed?” he asks her.
“One hundred fifty-nine pounds.”
“And the least?”
“Six pounds, four ounces.”
— SYBIL CARR
Prior to his biopsy, a patient confessed to a fellow nurse just how nervous he was. “Don’t worry,” the nurse assured him.
“You’re just having a little autopsy.”
— ANNE SANTORO
Y
ou can’t blame the woman for being upset. After all, she was delivering her baby in our hospital elevator.
“This is nothing,” said my fellow nurse, trying to console the new mother. “Last year a friend of mine helped a woman deliver her baby on the front lawn of the hospital.”
The patient began to wail. “That was me!”
— STEPHANIE NIEDERBERGER
P
roofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double-take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: “If the problem persists, replace patient immediately.”
— ADRIAN URIAS
O
n my first day working at a psychiatric hospital, I met a friendly man who assured me that the staff was great. “You’ll like it here,” he said.
“Good to know,” I said. “Thanks.”
That afternoon, we assembled for a round of meetings with our patients. Standing among them was my new friend.
“Psst, get over here,” he whispered, giggling.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“You were standing in the staff’s section.”
— KEVIN SU
M
aybe I was overreacting, but I couldn’t help worrying about the quality of care at the local hospital. On a form titled, “Some Questions for Our Pregnant Patients,” the very first item was:
“1. Gender? (check one) M__ F __.”
— JENNIEY TALLMAN
W
hen my wife gave birth to our son, she shared a room with a woman whose last name was Pope. One day their doctor came in and asked me how things were going.
“Fine,” I answered. “How are you?”
“Great!” he said. “So far this morning, I’ve circumcised a Bishop and a Pope.”
— JOE BISHOP
“I
’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live,” the doctor told his patient.
“Then I’ll take the last two weeks of July and the week between Christmas and New Year’s.”
— GEORGE NORDHAM
W
hen the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t.
“Do you know what season it is?”
He thought a moment. “Baseball?”
— A. H.
O
ur friend Kathy, a school nurse, took one look at the emergency card filled out by a student’s mother and knew she had to give the woman a call. “It says here that your son’s allergic to Sicilians,” Kathy said.
“He is,” came the reply. “He’s allergic to all of the Sicilians. You know, penicillin, amoxicillin…”
— RUTH PERSON
T
he pharmacist arrives at work to find a frightened-looking man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” the pharmacist asks his clerk.
“He wanted cough medicine, but I couldn’t find any, so I gave him a laxative.”
“Laxatives won’t cure a cough,” yells the owner.
“Sure they will. Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”
One diagnostic-imaging center claims that its high-tech medical procedures are second to none. The center’s newspaper advertisement proclaimed, CT Colonoscopy:
No Scope, No Sedation, No Recovery.
— FLORENCE CRUMLEY
A
n elderly woman is being examined by a young physician. After about four minutes in the examination room, she bursts out of the door. Spotting an older doctor, she tells him what happened.
Astounded, he marches down the hallway toward his young colleague.
“What’s the matter with you?” he demands. “That woman is 74! Why would you tell her she’s pregnant?”
The young doc asks, “Well, does she still have the hiccups?”
— GINGER SIMPSON
F
ollowing my husband’s physical exam, the doctor delivered some bad news. “Your white blood cells are elevated,” he said.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
Looking concerned, the doctor explained, “Up.”
— MERNA JOHANNESSEN
A
s I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”
“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked coyly.
“No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”
— EILENE COOK
A
man walks into a bar and orders six whiskeys. Putting them in a row, he downs the first glass, then the third and finally the fifth.
“Excuse me,” the bartender says as the man turns to leave. “But you left three glasses untouched.”
“I know,” the man says. “My doctor says it’s okay to have the odd drink.”
— JEE WAN YAU
M
y husband, an auto mechanic, was on the kidney transplant list, and as you can imagine, it was a tense time for our family. But one day the phone rang, and our teenage son answered. It was the hospital with good news. “Dad,” he yelled excitedly. “Your parts are in!”
— BETTE LARSEN
W
hen I was at the hospital being prepared for surgery, the floor nurse asked, “Which eye is to be operated on?”
I answered, “The left eye is the right eye. The right eye is the wrong eye.”
— WILLIAM SHANK, IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
Holy Jokes
A
famous director goes to heaven.
“Boy, are we glad to see you,” Saint Peter says. “God has the perfect project for you.”
“I’m done making movies,” the director says. “I just want to rest.”
“But you’d have a dream crew. Mozart has signed on to write the score, Michelangelo will design the sets, and Shakespeare is hard at work on the screenplay.”
“Wow! How can I say no to that? I’m in.”
“Fabulous. There’s just one thing,” Saint Peter says. “God has this buddy who thinks he can act…”
T
he bishop spoke to the congregation about the priest and nun shortage.
“Too many of you are only having one child and letting them go off into other professions. I propose that each family should have three children: one for the father, one for the mother and one for the church.”
A few days later the bishop was out grocery shopping when he saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd, “This one is yours, Bishop!”
— EDWIN KLINE
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad, too.”
— PAT RUZSBATZKY
A
banker approaches the Pearly Gates sweating and struggling with a heavy suitcase. Saint Peter greets him and says, “Set the suitcase down and come in.”
“No way!” barks the banker. “I have to bring it in.”
“What could possibly be in there that’s so important?” asks Saint Peter.
The banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Saint Peter’s jaw drops: “You brought pavement?”
— JIMMY HOLMES
T
he pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”
One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”
Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”
The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’”
— L. B. WEINSTEIN
“H
ello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel Jones a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
— HUGH NEELD
D
uring a church meeting on family, the instructor asked, “When we reach the end of our mortal existence, will we say, ‘I wish I’d spent more time on the job’?” He persisted, “Has anyone ever wondered that?”
“Yes,” said one man. “Right after I got fired.”
— FRANK MILLWARD
M
y brother-in-law was a lay minister, so when his sister wanted a small, casual wedding, she asked him to officiate. He had never performed a marriage ceremony before, so he decided to ask his pastor for advice.
“My sister has asked me to marry her,” he began, “and I’m not sure what to do.”
The minister answered, “Try telling her you just want to be friends.”
— HEIDI MORTON
A
n atheist is walking through the forest when Big Foot jumps out at him. As he approaches menacingly, the atheist yells, “Lord, save me!”
Seconds later a voice rumbles from heaven, “I thought you didn’t believe in me.”
“Well,” the man says, “until a minute ago, I didn’t believe in Big Foot either.”
— GREGG PICILLO
T
he Earth is wicked again. I’m going to flood it and start over,” God told Noah. “Build another ark and save two of every living thing.”
Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard—but no boat. “Where’s the ark?” he roared. “I’m about to start the rain.”
“Well, things have changed,” Noah said. “First, I needed a building permit. Then some group said it was inhumane to put the animals in such a close space. Then the government halted construction to conduct an environmental-impact study on the flood.”
Suddenly the clouds cleared, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
“You mean, you’re not going to destroy the world?” Noah asked.
“What’s the point?” God said. “Looks like someone beat me to it.”
— E. T. THOMPSON
A
l’s assets are going down the drain as the market takes a nosedive. Depressed, he goes to church.
“Grab your Bible and drive to the ocean,” the minister advises. “Sit at the water’s edge, and open the Bible. The wind will riffle t
he pages, but eventually it’ll stay open. Read the first words your eyes fall on, and they will tell you what to do.”
Al does as he is told. When the pages stop moving, his eyes fall on the words that are meant for him.
A year later Al returns to see the minister wearing a $1,000 suit and driving a new Jag. He hands the minister a thick envelope. “Please accept this donation for the church,” he says. “Thanks for your advice.”
“What words did you see that brought you such fortune?” the minister asks.
“Chapter 11.”
E
very day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”
And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!”
One day she prayed, “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me groceries.”
The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.
“I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbor said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries.”
“Praise the Lord,” the woman said. “He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them.”
T
he new monk is assigned to copy the old texts by hand. Noticing that he’ll be copying from copies and not from the original manuscripts, he tells an elderly monk, “If there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all the subsequent copies.”
The elderly monk agrees and goes to the cellar with a copy to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. Concerned, the new monk searches for him in the cellar. Hearing wailing, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books. Looking up, he sobs, “The word is celebrate.”
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons Page 10
