T
he rabbi and the priest met at the town’s annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but you just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and have some?”
The rabbi looked at his friend with a big grin and said, “At your wedding.”
— ANDREA GERAGHTY
J
ohnny’s mother stops to watch her son read the Bible to their cat. “Isn’t that sweet?” she says. But an hour later she hears a terrible racket. Running out the door, she finds Johnny stuffing the cat into a bucket of water.
“Johnny, what are you doing?”
“I’m baptizing Muffin,” he replies.
“But cats don’t like to be in water.”
“Well then, he shouldn’t have joined my church.”
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out,
“Right near the end!”
— REV. DOUGLAS C. WOODS
A
man was driving down the street in a lather because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up swearing.”
Miraculously, a spot opened right in front of the building.
The man looked up and said, “Never mind. I found one.”
O
ur Sunday school speaker had riveting stories to share with the kids: He was working near Mount St. Helens when it erupted. He was in Florida when Hurricane Andrew hit and was visiting friends in New Orleans as Katrina struck.
One child raised his hand. “Staying long in Tucson?”
— MARGIE DORAME
O
ne Sunday a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. Saint Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”
The Lord shook his head.
The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. Saint Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”
The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”
M
oses and Jesus are playing golf. Moses selects a five iron and tees off. His ball lands in the lake.
It’s Jesus’ turn. “Tiger Woods would use this,” he says, grabbing a five iron.
“But my shot ended up in the lake!” Moses protests. “You should use a four iron.”
“Nope. Tiger would use a five.”
So Jesus swings hard—and hits the ball into the lake. He’s walking on the water looking for it when a man approaches.
“Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?” the man asks.
“No,” Moses explains. “He is Jesus. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
A
n engineer is standing outside the Pearly Gates.
“Sorry,” Saint Peter tells him, “but you’re in the wrong place.” He snaps his fingers, and the engineer finds himself in hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, the engineer starts making improvements.
One day God phones Satan to ask how things are going.
“Great,” he answers. “We’ve got central air and escalators now. There’s no telling what that engineer will come up with next.”
“You’ve got an engineer?” God says. “There’s been a mistake. Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right.” Satan chuckles. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
— VICKY BULLETT
Who’s the patron saint of e-mail?
Saint Francis of a CC.
— TERRY SANGSTER
T
hree buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
A
dam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.
— TERRY SANGSTER
T
hree guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. “Don’t touch me!” he cries.
“I’m on disability!”
A
fter my fire crew put out a fire in a barn, the monks who owned it invited us in for some tea and lighthearted conversation—or so we thought. But as we entered the monastery, one fireman was reminded of a particularly rude joke. And worse yet, repeated it.
A monk responded, “My son, you are fighting fires in this life, and you will surely be fighting them in the next.”
— MICHAEL TOWNSEND
I
accompanied one of my congregants to court to settle some legal affairs. As I waited, a man took note of my clerical collar. “So,” he said, “prayer didn’t help you either, huh?”
— REV. F. WILLIAM HODGE
The sign by the minister’s parking spot at a church in Senath, Missouri, cleverly kept parishioners moving:
“You Park, You Preach.”
— PATSY HANNERS
A
fter examining the paltry tips left by a church group, our waitress was not pleased. Looking toward my table, she grumbled, “These people come in with the Ten Commandments and a ten-dollar bill, and they don’t break any of them!”
— ELZENA ARGUELLO
M
y father, a pastor, met with a couple who wanted to marry in his church. When he raised the subject of premarital counseling, the two were quick to nix it.
“We don’t need counseling,” the bride-to-be assured him. “We’ve both been married several times before.”
— MICHELLE PATTERSON
W
hen my back seized up, I called my doctor’s office, explaining that I was a minister and was in too much pain to deliver my sermon. Could they help?
The woman on the other end asked me to hold. The next thing I heard was a loud voice announcing, “I have a minister on the phone who can’t stand to preach!”
— GILBERT VIEIRA
O
ur professor assigned a two-page paper on one of the seven deadly sins. On the due date I heard a student tell his buddy, “That was so easy. All I did was write one page and double-space it.”
“Which sin did you pick?” his friend asked.
“Sloth.”
— JASON O’SHEA
Dumb and Dumber
L
arry wins the lottery and dashes downtown to claim his prize. “Give me my $20 million,” he tells the man in charge.
“Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way,” the man s
ays. “You’ll get a million today, and then the rest will be spread out over the next 19 years.”
Larry is furious. “Look, I want my money! And if you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
A
fter my speech at a tech conference on “Tips for Going Paperless,” I opened the floor to questions. “I have one,” said a man. “Where are the handouts?”
— MIKE BROWNING
T
wo snowmen are standing in a field when one says to the other, “Do you smell carrots?”
— PATRICK HIGGINS
J
im arrives home to find his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He rushes over and rouses her. It’s then that he notices that she’s wearing a parka and a mink.
“Are you okay? What are you doing?” he asks.
“You’ve been promising to paint the living room for months now,” she explains groggily. “I wanted to prove that I could do just as good a job as you, and faster too.”
“Well, it does look like you did a good job,” Jim says, looking around. “But why are you all bundled up?”
“I know how to read,” she snaps. “The can said, ‘For best results put on two coats.’”
— CORA M. BOGGS
F
rantic while getting ready for a party at home, I asked my husband to run out for a quart of milk. When he returned empty-handed, I asked, “Where’s the milk?”
“All out,” he said. “They only had pints.”
Did I mention that he has a PhD? In statistics?
— LOUISE WEISS
A
customer at our bookstore asked me, “Do you have the original book Romeo and Juliet ? My daughter needs it for school, and all I can find is the play.”
— AUDRIE WESTON
Posted on the elevator at work is the usual warning sign:
“In case of fire, do not use elevator.”
Scrawled in pen beneath it is this addendum:
“Use water.”
— DAVID MOORE
W
ith talk of downsizing the U.S. Postal Service always in the air, our union steward passed the word to all the letter carriers that we needed to be proactive.
“Save our jobs,” he urged. “E-mail your Congressman.”
— SUSAN KEMP
“Y
ou have to explain this to me,” I told the chef at our restaurant. The chalkboard read, “Today’s Special: Broiled Snaper with 2 Peas.”
The chef laughed. “Yeah, I saw that the hostess had misspelled snapper too,” he said. “But she misunderstood me when I said, ‘The special has two p’s.’”
— CANDICE WOHLFIEL
R
ecently, one of the guys at the warehouse called my husband, the general manager, to tell him that he wouldn’t be in that day.
“I’m having my autopsy,” he said. “But with any luck I’ll be in tomorrow.”
— TERRI RITTER
A
s manager of an electronics shop, I ordered a part, number 669, from the factory. When it arrived, I noticed they’d sent me part 699 instead. I fired off an angry letter and sent it back. A few days later I got the replacement. It was the same part, along with a note containing these four words: “Turn the box over.”
— BECQUET.COM
H
eading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the windshield. “I can’t get over how loud they are,” my wife said.
“Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour,” I pointed out.
Her reply left me speechless. “I didn’t know bugs could fly that fast.”
— JOHN SHINDLEBOWER
I
answer a lot of questions at the information desk at Olympic National Park, in Washington State. But one visitor stumped me: “Do you have any trails that just go downhill?”
— MIKE PERZEL
A
woman walked into our thrift shop and deposited a lamp on our counter.
“I’d like to donate this,” she said. “I know you don’t take electrical equipment, so I’ve cut the plug off.”
— DEBORAH SUTTON
A
fter my business conference ended for the day, I headed back to my hotel. The lobby and the elevators were packed. I went up to the front-desk clerk. “Can you direct me to the stairs? It’ll probably be faster to walk up to my floor.”
“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” she said, completely seriously. “Our stairs only go down.”
— ABBY CONLEY
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of a tree!
T
ry as I might, I just couldn’t get in sync with my insurance customer. When I asked if he lived in the eastern or central time zone, he answered, “We’re normal time.”
Not sure what that meant, I continued. “Let me put it this way: Is it 10:45 where you are?”
“No,” he said. “It’s 10:46.”
— CHERYL KOCHANEK
W
hen my friend Rachel said she was expecting, I asked, “Do you know the baby’s sex?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but we’ve decided not to announce it.”
“Can I take a guess?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Is it a girl?”
“Oh, no,” she replied. “You’re way off.”
— NAFTALI DOMBROFF
I
n our storeroom we use a stepladder to get items from the top shelf. But it’s always in the way, and after banging my shin on it for the umpteenth time, I asked the staff to please keep it somewhere safe.
The next day I found the ladder neatly collapsed and placed where it couldn’t hurt anyone: on the top shelf.
— NEIL HUDSON
O
n his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a “Road Closed” sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn’t get very far. The pavement ended, giving way to another, larger sign: “What Part of ‘Road Closed’ Didn’t You Understand?”
— TERI KERSCHEN
A
fter hearing stories about radioactivity in granite countertops, my wife became alarmed.
“I have granite in my kitchen,” she told a friend.
“Maybe you should get a Geiger counter,” her friend suggested.
My wife was intrigued. “Are those the granite imitations they sell at Costco?”
— DANIEL OSTER
I
was leading a tour through Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico when a woman asked, “How many miles of undiscovered passageways are there in this cave?”
— JIM DAVIS
A
customer walked into our auto-parts store looking for a flat washer. “That’ll be 15 cents,” I said.
“Fifteen cents for a washer? Are you crazy?” he yelled. “I’ll drill a hole in a quarter and make my own.”
— JACK REEVES
A
fter weighing a woman’s letter on our post office scale, I told her the envelope was too heavy and would require another stamp. Confused, she asked, “But won’t another stamp make it heavier?”
— CYNTHIA FRANKLIN
S
een on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: “The Dannemora Fire Department reminds you it’s fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan.”
— DICK BECKER
M
y wife, a professor of medicine, has published five books. After she’d written her latest one, I stopped at a market to buy some chocolate and champagne.
“Are you celebrating something?” asked the clerk as he bagged my items.
“Yes,” I replied proudly. “My wife just finished a book.”
He paused a moment. “Slow reader?”
— DENNIS DOOK
The
instructor of our paramedic certification class taught us to keep performing chest compressions until backup arrived.
“But what if we can’t keep going?” a fellow student wanted to know. “Should we call 911?”
“Son,” said our instructor, “you are 911.”
— CRISTY FIGUEROA
A
colleague at the nursing home was excited about the English literature class he was taking at night school.
“We’re reading Shakespeare,” he said.
“Great,” I replied. “Which one?”
“William.”
— PENNY BOWDEN
A
fter browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. “About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?”
“Neither,” she said. “It’s a fish.”
— ROBERT PETRIN
W
hile I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along. He did as he was told. His first instruction: “Preheat the oven to 700 degrees.”
— DEBBIE DEERWESTER
A
fter a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it. “Why,” she cried out in exasperation, “do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?”
— ADAM FRICKE
My cousin’s not bright. She got an AM radio—took her a month to realize she could use it at night.
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons Page 11
