— FROM LAUGH OFF BY BOB FENSTER (ANDREWS MCMEEL)
A
nyone traveling on business for our company must fill out an expense report. A field on the form asks for “name on credit card.” One Einstein entered “MasterCard.”
— PAM THOMPSON
“W
hat’s the quickest way from here to Philadelphia?”
“Are you walking or driving?”
“I’m driving.”
“That’s definitely the quickest way.”
A
fter a tourist parked herself on our Washington Island, Wisconsin, trolley, she wanted to know if we had any beaches.
“Yes,” I assured her. “Four of them.”
“Great!” she exclaimed. “Which one’s closest to the water?”
— TERRI MOORE
T
his report from an agent landed on my desk in the auto claims division of our insurance company: “Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance.”
— BROOK ROBINSO
T
hree dolts are in the forest when they spot a set of tracks.
Dolt No. 1 says, “Hey, deer tracks!”
Dolt No. 2 says, “No, dog tracks!”
Dolt No. 3 says, “You’re both crazy—they’re cow tracks!”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A
dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring monarch.
As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, “Where are my two court jesters?”
In seconds two jesters appear at his side.
“Okay, let’s continue,” he says, “now that I have my wits about me.”
— RICHARD MARINO
M
y niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood.
“How convenient,” she said. “I can walk to it.”
— CATHY MCCOURT
D
riving along a country road, I ignored a Bridge Out sign and continued on. But in a few miles I came to a stop: The road was completely barricaded. So I turned around and retraced my route. That’s when I saw this sign on the back of the first: “It was, wasn’t it?”
— THOMAS ROY
A
s a retired chemist, I was interested in some unusual chemical towers at a factory. Curious, I asked a guard, “What do they make there?” He replied, “$8.35 an hour.”
— ROBERT JOSLIN
F
amily members came down from Fairbanks, Alaska, to visit us in Anchorage just as the thermometer dropped to zero. I was freezing, but not them. “We’re used to cold weather,” my brother-in-law said.
“Sure,” I replied. “To you folks, zero is nothing.”
— WALT ARDEN
O
n the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
“For example,” he began, pointing to my husband, David, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”
David answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.”
— ANNEMARIE WOODS
A customer called our florist shop to order a bouquet. “Make it bright and festive looking,” she said.
“I want it to cheer up a friend. She just lost her Seeing Eye dog.”
— KATHY BRENING
T
rying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: “Empty water bottles here.”
I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn’t find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
— MAHMOOD JAWAID
O
ur client sought short-term disability insurance after injuring a knee. In order to process his claim, I had to ask the obvious: “And which knee is it?”
He replied, “Mine.”
— CAROLYN PETERSON
A woman came to our bank to cash a check. “Do you have identification?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “A strawberry mark on my left knee.”
— HARRY CHALKLY
S
ome people just don’t have a green thumb. When my son Bill learned his friend was going to The Home Depot, he asked, “Would you pick up some tulip bulbs? I need to get some for my mom.”
“Sure,” his pal responded. “How many watts?”
— BEATRIX NOVAK
S
hopping for deodorant, my daughter picked one up and read the label: “Dermatologist Tested.”
“Good,” she said. “They’re no longer testing it on rabbits.”
— LYNN CARROLL
I
had just eaten the worst meal in my life and had to say something.
“Is everything okay?” the waitress asked.
“No,” I replied. “The chicken is so tough, you can’t cut it with a knife.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “Can I bring you a different knife?”
— JOHN CARLSON
I
walked into the lobby of my apartment building recently and was greeted by this notice: “To whoever is watering these plants, please stop. They are the property of the building, and our maintenance staff will take care of them. They may have already been watered, in which case you will be overwatering them. Besides, these plants are fake.”
— PAUL ROGERS
Waiting my turn to enter a rotary intersection, I noticed a guy drive around twice, then leave by the same road he’d entered.
His vanity license plate read “GENIUS.”
— KATHLEEN GOWDY
A
pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
M
y sister, Sandy, was driving in Vancouver when she was rear-ended by a car driven by a younger woman. Sandy had seen in her rearview mirror that the woman appeared to be on her cell phone and was not slowing down, so Sandy braced herself for the inevitable impact.
“If you can’t drive and talk at the same time, you shouldn’t be on a cell phone!” Sandy said to the woman.
“I’ll have you know,” the woman replied, “I was not on my cell; I was putting on makeup!”
— SHIRLEY LADRET
I
work for an office equipment company. One day Dave, a coworker of mine, received a phone call from a customer who was having trouble changing the toner in a photocopier.
“What seems to be the problem?” Dave asked.
“Well,” the customer said, “it’s telling me to change toner. But every time I open the door to do it, it tells me to ‘please close front door.’ What do I do?”
— ROBERT FEDORUK
I
used to drive an Eclipse. I think it was a nice car, but I couldn’t look directly at it.
— BUZZ NUTLEY
Just for Laughs
L
ost in the desert for three days, a man suddenly hears, “Mush!”
Looking up, he sees what he thinks is a mirage: an Eskimo on a sled, driving a team of huskies. To his surprise, the sled comes to a stop at his feet seconds later.
“I don’t know why you’re here, but thank goodness,” the man says. “I’ve been lost for days.”
Panting, the Eskimo replies, “You think you’re lost?”
— ROBERT LUTZ
O
n a trip together, a Hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer stop at a farmhouse and ask to stay the night. There’s space for two, but one will have to sleep in the barn.
“I’ll go,” the Hindu volunteers. A few minutes later, the lawyer and the rabbi hear a knock.
“There’s a cow in the barn,” the Hindu says. “A cow is sacred, and I cannot sleep with a sacred beast.”
“No problem, I can do it,” the rabbi says, grabbing his pillow. But minutes later, the rabbi knocks.
“There’s a pig in the barn. It’s an unclean animal—my belief forbids me to be near such a creature.”
With a tired sigh, the lawyer heads out. Almost immediately, there’s a third knock at the door.
It’s the cow and the pig.
B
ack when I was working as a graphic designer, I often grabbed lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I’ll never forget a bit of wisdom from a fortune cookie I received one day: “In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!”
— BORYS PATCHOWSKY, IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
A
fter a fruitless year of entering the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes online, I suddenly drew a blank on my password. I chose the new-password option on the website and waited for the company to e-mail it to me. An hour later, I got it. The password they gave me: loser61.
— KATHLEEN SLACK
T
here’s a lunch wagon offering “Filly Cheese Steaks” I see almost every day. Each time I pass it, I chant to myself: “Please let it be a misspelling…. Please let it be a misspelling.”
— CINDY GREATREX, IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
L
ooking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
“No,” he replies. “I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone.”
“Why don’t you invite a friend?”
“I can’t. They’re all at the funeral.”
— JOEL BRANSCOME
O
ur old house needed constant TLC. Fortunately my dad is handy and can do most of the work himself. One day he crawled under the foundation to prop up some sagging floorboards. Suddenly we heard a muffled yell, and Dad crawled out on his hands and knees at a speed I hadn’t thought possible.
“What’s wrong?” my mother asked.
“I reached to pick up the crowbar,” Dad gasped, “and it slithered out of my hand.”
— ROBERT SHELLEY
D
ays after gorging myself at an Easter dinner, I did penance by going to the gym across the street from work. The first thing I noticed as I signed in was a bowl of Easter candy sitting on the counter, calling to me.
“That doesn’t seem fair,” I joked to the trainer.
Patting the bowl, she smiled. “Job security.”
— JULIE BLACKWOOD
T
wo American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, “Would you please say where we are—very slowly?”
The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, “Burrr-gerrr Kinngg.”
— DENISE STEWART
D
ad’s a safety-first kind of guy. But while vacationing with some buddies, he was talked into going parasailing. He was on the back of the boat getting hooked into the parachute when he nervously asked the pilot, “How often do you replace the rope?”
The pilot replied, “Every time it breaks.”
— MICHAEL WASSMER
M
y husband’s expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he’s still young and handsome.
“Honey,” I said, using my seductive voice, “if you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you.”
Using his sarcastic voice, he shot back, “Lose 10 pounds, and I’ll watch.”
— EMILY GURLEY
“A
hamburger and fries,” a man orders.
“Me too,” says the ostrich, sitting beside him.
“That’s $9.40,” the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.
They return the next day. Both order a steak and potato, and again the man pays with exact change.
“How do you do that?” the waitress asks.
“A genie granted me two wishes,” explains the man. “My first was that I’d always have the right amount of money to pay for anything.”
“Brilliant! But what’s with the ostrich?”
“My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
— EDWARD M. JEAN
I
was in the back of our ambulance tending to a patient when we slowed to a crawl. Just ahead of us, a huge semi was hauling a house.
“Don’t you hate that?” said our driver. “When people are simply too lazy to pack.”
— ANTHONY ADKINS
I
had an inauspicious start as a dog groomer when one of my first clients bit me. Noticing my pain, my boss voiced her concern.
“Whatever you do,” she said, “don’t bleed on the white dogs.”
— JAN VIRGO
J
ohnny swallowed a quarter. A man walking by turned Johnny upside down and patted his back with great precision. The quarter popped out.
“You must be a quarterback. Thank you!” said Johnny’s mom.
— STEVEN SHWE
I
was talking to my doctor about a weight-loss patch I had seen advertised. Supposedly you stick it on, and the pounds melt away. “Does it work?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said. “If you put it over your mouth.”
— MARY KAAPKE
A
man staggered up to the pharmacy counter.
“Would you give me something for my head?” the man asked.
“Why?” the pharmacist said, looking up. “What would I do with it?”
“Excuse me, what are those women dressed in white doing?” a tourist asked his guide.
“Oh, well, it’s custom for brides in Jerusalem to pray at the Wailing Wall on the day of their wedding,” he replied.
“Why?”
“So they can get used to talking to a wall.”
— RACHEL BERMAN
T
hree rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate on the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.
“Not much of a driver either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
I
love playing Santa at the mall. But parents often have trouble getting young children to sit on my knee. It took a lot of coaxing for one little girl to perch there, so I got straight to the point.
“What do you want most of all for Christmas?” I asked.
She answered, “Down!”
— MORLEY LESSARD
O
n the first day of her vacation, my coworker fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, “Why couldn’t this have happened on my last day of skiing?”
He looked up. “This is your last day of skiing.”
— EDNA KITCHEN
I
live for baseball. But I had to go to work during an important game, so I asked my wife to tape it for me. After I left the office, I flew through our front door, bursting with anticipation.
“Don’t tell me the score!” I yelled to her.
“I don’t know the score,” she assured me. “All I know is that your team lost.”
— MICHAEL BOGGESS
T
hree guys were fishing when one of them hooked a mermaid. She promised to grant each of them a wish if they’d let her go.
“Deal,” the first fisherman said. “I’d like you to double my intelligence.” Immediately, he began to recite Shakespeare’s Macbeth .
&nb
sp; “Wow!” the second guy exclaimed. “Could you triple my intelligence?” He’d no sooner made the request than he started spouting Einstein’s equations on the theory of relativity.
“That’s amazing!” the third fisherman yelled. “Quintuple my intelligence.”
“Are you sure?” the mermaid asked. “You might not like the outcome.”
“I’m sure. Just do it,” the guy said.
He closed his eyes to wait for the wish to be granted and— poof! —he became a woman.
— DANNY HOCHSTETLER
So what has six eyes but can’t see?
A: Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded, and kids that need a bath.
— DARREN BAKER
W
hile visiting his wife’s cousin’s farm in Manitoba for the first time, our Icelandic friend Gunnar was warned about the big, blood-sucking mosquitoes. Gunnar was out in a field one day, driving a tractor, when he suddenly screeched to a halt, ran pell-mell through the field, and burst through the farmhouse door and into the kitchen. “I just saw a MOSQUITO!” Gunnar gasped.
Turns out it was actually a dragonfly!
— AMANDA DINSDALE
W
hile taking down the vitals for a soon-to-be mom, I asked how much she weighed.
“I really don’t know,” she said in response.
“More or less,” I prompted.
“More, I guess.”
— AGNES HALVERSON
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons Page 12
