Circle Jerk

by catt dahman

  “Owen?” Nick called.

  There was no answer, but the silence afforded them the ability to hear Mattie smacking and breaking bones as she ate. Several knew that either Owen had passed out or was dead.

  Ruth spoke, “Just now, all of us sounded like a zoo, like baboons and big cats fighting or something. Mattie just…she’s eating even though she swore she wouldn’t do that. The hunger. It gets into your brain, too. All of you were yelling for her to stop, Skot was cheering her on because it helped the odds, and Mike was too terrified and lost to do anything at all. The rest of us sat here in shock. What does that tell us?”

  “You’re the fancy professor,” Skot said.

  “I’m not very fancy,” Ruth said, “I’m asking because I don’t know. I wouldn’t have predicted most of what has gone on. How could anyone have known? That’s what Julia meant; she doesn’t know. She wonders.”

  “So?”

  “So, what this means is that we don’t know what we’re doing. We aren’t anything more than dumb animals being tortured. Toss intelligence and morals out the window. Things hurt. Hunger hurts.”

  “What are you saying, Ruth?” Nick asked.

  “Nothing. Everything. I have no idea. I’m just talking. I get how Mike feels because I don’t want to hurt anyone or see suffering. I get the hunger, too. I’m tired and in pain, and I don’t know if there’s much hope left. Even if we get out, this is ruining us. We’re becoming horrible people.”

  “Don’t give up,” Andre said.

  “No, I’m not yet.” Ruth noticed the room was quieter. At least that had worked out as she talked.

  Nick asked, “Terri, can you use your lighter and take a look? Please?” He knew that Mattie was too far gone for him to reach with sweet talk and connections. She was over the edge of sanity.

  Teri flicked, paused, and let the light go out. “His neck is bloody, and he ain’t moving. Hey, I’m safe now, right? I’m safe. Owen can’t hurt me no more. And dead men don’t eat. Oh, thank you, God.”

  “Terri….” Nick wasn’t sure what to say.

  “One down,” Skot cackled, “right, Prissy? One down. You wanna be next? Follow your brother?”

  “What’s wrong with you?” Jake asked. Beside him, Lovie sniffled again.

  “Odds, man. The more that go, the better my chances, right?”

  “True that,” Vinnie said.

  “Exactly my point,” Ruth announced.

  For a long time, there was no talking. There were some sounds of crying and sounds of Mattie eating, but other than that, it stayed quiet. Some tried to sleep, hoping that maybe they would awaken and find this was a nightmare. How long the quiet time lasted was anyone’s guess because there was no way to judge the passing of time. All they knew was that their limbs hurt more all the time, their bellies were in constant misery, and that they were getting thinner and hungrier all the time; they were dying of starvation.

  “Ruth,” Andre said. It was either a few hours after Owen died or a few days later, or maybe only a few minutes. “Kim?”

  “Hmmm?”

  Please, I want to talk to you both in a very calm way. Can you give me that?”

  “I can try,” Kim said.

  Ruth said she could, she thought.

  “I told you about my beautiful Goldie dying. I said some things then that I think were wrong, and also, I left out something. I want to talk while I feel brave.”

  Andre rubbed Ruth’s foot as he spoke. “In Goldie’s womb where a sweet little baby couldn’t grow, but where a malignant, evil tumor did flourish, it wasn’t held back. That cancer erupted through her beautiful skin, causing ugly very, very painful ulcerated sores that leaked and had to stay covered, and they smelled loathsome, like dead mice. I didn’t mind caring for her, dressing the ulcers with love and tenderness, but she was embarrassed.”

  Kim said that was sad.

  “It was,” Andre admitted, “I was a selfish husband, and in pain or not, I wanted my wife for as long as I could keep her. I knew she couldn’t get well, but I wanted more time with my precious Goldie. There came a time when she was in tremendous pain but wouldn’t let go because she knew I needed her. She suffered beyond imagination because she knew I would do poorly without her, so she was brave, but she suffered for my own cowardice and selfishness.”

  “You only wanted….”

  “Don’t make excuses, Ruth, please. I was wrong.”

  One day Andre saw her weep with pain and then dry her eyes and pretend she had not been crying when he walked into her sick room. He spoke to Goldie and asked her, if not for him, would she have been gone long before, before the pain was so unspeakable. She only picked at the threads of her quilt.

  “You see, she gave me the pity, the respect, and the kindness. I always said I would live life to the fullest and fight to live a good, long life in her memory, but that was wrong of me. In the end before she was to the point of screaming with pain, I pretended to accidentally leave the bottle of pain pills next to her bed. I finally gave her a choice and didn’t beg or make her feel guilty. I know she was thankful I respected her wishes because when I returned, she had died.”

  Ruth sniffed back tears.

  Andre explained that because Goldie was stronger than to think only of herself, she didn’t take the pills just to escape her pain but to avoid watching Andre being tortured by seeing her die slowly and being terrified that if he breathed too loudly or left the house for more than five minutes, she would be gone. Fear was killing Andre.

  “She let me go, and I let her go,” Andre said, “and being down here in this situation, I know what I have to do. Not like Owen for his reasons, but for mine: I have a cancer in my soul, knowing what it would take to survive this. You see I have been thinking a lot all this time. Really thinking. There is no good way out, but there may be a way for a few to survive. Even if there isn’t, it’s worth a chance.”

  “Be brave,” Kim begged. She liked Andre. In another time, she knew that he and she would have been friends and he would have given her his wisdom; she would have shown him how to laugh again. It wasn’t fair to make a friend like this.

  Andre chuckled, “I am! Did you think I decided on this because I’m a coward? Not at all. I am planning on being very brave, actually. You see, if I go out an easier way, so to speak, I hedge your bets.”

  “I don’t understand,” Kim admitted. She didn’t like it whatever he was saying. She knew that much.

  “If you decided to eat and I cried in pain or screamed, you’d feel guilty.”

  “I wouldn’t do that.” Kim was appalled. She would die before she hurt Andre. She wasn’t that way. She’d gladly die before taking another life of an innocent.

  “Probably not, in which case, you would die of starvation. Ah, Kimberly, sweet Kimberly, I have you figured out. You are thinking that you’d die before doing what you needed to do to survive, right?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Gotcha. I’m correct. You’d die by choice. I admire your morals, and whatever sent you out on the road, and whatever made you risk your life by hitchhiking; you are better than that. You are valuable, period.”

  Kim burst into tears. How did he know? How could he know she was running from pain? A car crash and she alone walked away, unhurt except for scratches when the other three…four when you counted the unborn baby died. They just died. Why had she survived when they had much more going for them than she ever did. That’s why she ran or hitchhiked and dared fate. How had he known?

  “You are so valuable, Kim.”

  “I’m not, Andre. I swear that I am not worth a penny.”

  “Don’t disrespect me by saying I have poor judgment, silly girl. See, I thought about this. You won’t eat. You’d die first. However, if I were dead, then you could eat with no guilt, and keep yourself alive another week or more. As for you, Ruth, you will have no more additional fear, wondering if I might go crazy and take a bite. That constant worry will be removed.”

  �
�I might be a bad person. Ruth said we’re changing.”

  Ruth blinked, “No, I meant don’t give up. You’re a good person, and that matters.”

  “I might not be if this keeps going,” Kim said. She could feel that her mind was filled with bitterness and that the bad parts would grow, take over, and cause her to do terrible things. How could she fight constant hunger and fear? She didn’t feel valuable. She felt she was going insane. “What if I do bad things?”

  Ruth thought about the flesh she ate. She didn’t kill that man whom the meat belonged to, and it wasn’t her fault he was dead. How bad was what she did? How could Ruth judge that? What was a line she would never cross? When a person broke and did the bad things to survive, did that mean he was insane, horrible person, or just pushed too far? “Kim, there are degrees of morality, no matter what anyone says to the contrary. We’re under pressure, and I don’t know what some of us may be capable of. When people are pushed and driven to do things….”

  “We can always check out early to prevent that like Andre said.”

  “We can, I think….” Ruth concentrated and tried to look at things from a logical point, “I think at some point, we aren’t the same people. The drive to survive becomes so strong that we lose ourselves.”

  “What would I do then?” Kim was upset.

  “I think maybe we always have that little voice even if it is buried deep inside the survival instinct. I hope we keep our conscience and morality.”

  Kim said as she sniffed, “I don’t want to be a monster.”

  “That is what keeps everyone from being one. Some of us fear being one so deeply that we prevent it from happening, no matter what. We push the darkness back even if it’s inside us.”

  “Pretty words, fancy pants. All of you can be high and mighty, but if I get the chance, I’m gonna beat someone. Someone is gonna suffer. Oh, I got some dreams about payback,” Skot whispered.

  Ruth ignored him. “Andre, maybe you need to think more about this. Something could happen at any time. We could be rescued.” Ruth thought fast. She could feel the hurt and fear rolling off Kim from her cage. Andre wasn’t thinking. He couldn’t give up when there were far more depraved people still alive.

  “Silly, Ruth, we know better,” Andre said, “I couldn’t save Goldie, but maybe I can help both of you.”

  “No,” Ruth said.

  “Ruth, would you say my wife was a coward?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “But she couldn’t stand to see my pain in watching her pain. I couldn’t stand to see her pain or to have her see mine. She was simply the best problem solver.” They heard a sad smile as he spoke, buried in his comment.

  “Not right now?” Ruth asked, “can we talk about it more and think it over?”

  “Not right this second, but soon. There’s no reason for three of us to suffer much longer.”

  Skot laughed as he listened, “You forgot something, ya dumb tar baby. I ain’t brilliant, but I can see two flaws. First, so you take Kim’s hunger away, but she may still be et up by good ole Nick down there.”

  “Shut up. Shut up, you bastard,” Nick bellowed. He was in pain, and listening to Andre’s and Skot’s comments was like a dagger to his gut.

  “Maybe Kim would share with Nick and prevent that,” Andre said.

  “She might. But see you got a bigger problem between me and you: Ruth. You off yourself so you aren’t tempted to munch her toesies, but you think your one hand is enough to feed Kim, Nick, Terri, and Ruth to keep everyone on your end safe?”

  “I think Kim could get more of me to share.”

  “And toss your fingers over to Ruth? Across your cage?”

  “It can be done.”

  Skot laughed harder, “It’ll be hard for poor Ruth to reach anything unless bits are tossed to her. She can’t exactly move around very well.”

  Ruth felt her vision waver with the shock of this topic and the possibilities. She felt sick and scared, but a sudden thought make her giggle all at once.

  “Ruth?” Andre asked, worried.

  “I’m okay. It’s just….” She giggled more and then found her voice again, “I never have to touch Andre. Kim and the rest…you know. I have my own food supply…right…here.” She tickled Skot’s hand. She felt as if someone else were saying that. It wasn’t her, was it?

  He erupted, beating at the bars, trying to pull away, yelling, and cursing furiously.

  Andrew leaned over so Ruth could hear him over Skot’s noise and said, “Well played, Ruth, well played indeed.”

  Chapter Nine

  “Nick.”

  “Hey, Terri, how are you feeling?”

  “Poorly. That infection done climbed my leg. I feel it. I keep getting sick. I ain’t gonna make it.”

  “Yes, you are. We can share things….”

  “Nah.” She pushed things into Nick’s cage and said, “That’s my stuff. I’m done. I ain’t never felt so sick and hurt so much and….” She lost her train of thought.

  “But you might get better.”

  “Nah. Dunno what you can do with the junk I gave ya, but it’s yours. Kim, I done ruined your blanket. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. Terri.”

  “Yeah? Well then, I didn’t mean to make Owen so upset. Damn my big ole mouth.”

  “It was his own choice to do what all he did. You didn’t make him.”

  “He was a perv anyway,” Skot said.

  “Yeah, he was. I still didn’t want….” Terri had to think hard, “to die, yanno. Prissy, hey, Prissy….”

  The woman didn’t speak.

  “Whatever. Ya wasn’t so special. I don’t care. You don’t care much, do ya? Not really. Owen was a pest, and I was a good time. You’re a cold one, Priss.”

  “So you knew Owen and Prissy before?”

  “I knew her. She told me stuff about him. Sick stuff. I think he made her, but I ain’t sure. Whadda I know? Nothin’. I was nice ‘cause of her.”

  “Because you didn’t want her to tell Owen who you were?” Lovie asked. She was curious.

  “I dunno. He won. Don’t the bad ones always win?”

  Lovie shook her head, “I don’t think so. I hope not.”

  “Oh, boy, but I hurt. Nick.”

  “Yeah, Terri?”

  “Do me a favor?”

  “If I can.”

  “Get outta here, and beat some ass, yeah?”

  Nick chuckled, “I plan to. Gonna bust ass.”

  “Damn right. I hope ya’ll do better than me. So tired. Gonna sleep a while.”

  “You rest easy, Terri,” Nick said.

  Vinnie suddenly yelped and then laughed hard.

  “What’s up, Vin?” Mike asked, bored and tired. He was so tired of listening to Mattie slurp and eat. In ways, he was envious but talked to himself, reminding him that he was a human and that humans didn’t eat other humans, unless they were dead. Maybe.

  “What did you do? He’s free,” Lovie yelled. “How’d you get free?” she asked Vinnie. She could hardly believe her eyes.

  “Huh?” Mike asked at the same time as Nick.

  “His hand. It’s not locked in my cage. His hand is free. What did you do, Vinnie?” Lovie had been wondering about Owen, Prissy, and Terri, almost on the same level as one would be unable to resist a trashy talk show, but seeing Vinnie yank his arm back and away was far more interesting.

  Vinnie laughed more, “I read the Holy Word of God. I turned to the Bible. I got right, and I got free.” He rubbed his arm. It was stiff and very sore; the skin was chaffed, but he rubbed at the skin and moved his arm in small circles and bent it, even if it were painful to do so. He cleaned his skin with a moist towelette, concerned about infection since that trailer slut was dying of some contamination she got. He didn’t want to go septic with a small cut.

  He smiled. Yeah, Vinnie was a survivor. He had eaten, and he had his hand free. That Lovie whore wouldn’t be snacking on his hand. “You mad, Lovie? You sad you lost your f
ood?”

  “I wasn’t going to eat your filthy hand,” she snapped.

  “How’d you get free?” Mike asked again.

  “Told you, it was the Word of God.” Vinnie was relieved. He had been worried about using the key he found in the Bible, scared it was a trick or that it just wouldn’t work, but it did work, and he was free of the device. He planned to try the lock on the door to his cage next, but he was waiting for the right time. The time had to be just perfect, he thought.

  “Why don’t you share the key?” Mike asked.

  “Why don’t ya kiss my behind, yo, loser,” Vinnie said. “I ain’t sharing what I found and what is gonna get me free. Get your own key.”

  “Where was it, so I can look for one?” Mike asked.

  Vinnie didn’t answered but waited until he thought it was the time to act.

  He had made a wise choice because a few minutes later, Carl came in with only the dim blue light to light his way. Vinnie figured maybe he was about to be punished, but Carl didn’t go anywhere near Vinnie’s cage. He walked to Terri’s cage and reached inside, slid a key into the lock and released her foot.

  Nick perked up and asked, “Are you getting her some help?”

  Carl sighed, “Now, why would I do that? You know the routine and the rules. Slow, huh? There’s no need for her leg to be in his cage since he’s dead, right? ‘Cause he can’t eat. You need to pay attention more and get with the experiment. For a cop, you aren’t too bright.”

  “We don’t understand,” Mike spat, “and we have no idea what to do and what you want. How could we? You locked us up….”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it. You know the rules. You know the game. It’s not difficult. He can’t eat, and so her cuffs come off. Call it a nice perk of having the person counter clockwise dying.”

  “What if we get out of the cuffs ourselves?” Lovie asked.

  Vinnie wanted to choke her. Was she going to tattle? He hated her so much. She was the type he dated, the edgy-looking broads with fresh mouths and who thought a man needed them around to talk or something. Her type didn’t get that men needed a woman in the bedroom and in the kitchen and that was about it unless she was in the bathroom to clean it up and put up fresh towels. Yeah, this was one who would argue that and want to talk and communicate and try to tell him what they should do with the household cash.