Julie looked at me awkwardly as she got closer to her sister. “Na, they ran multiple tests and confirmed that he’s braindead.”
“Maybe we should get a second opinion.”
“Naomi, you’re a doctor. Even without the tests you should know that if someone is without oxygen as long as Dad was, chances of recovery are minimal.”
“Exactly, minimal.”
Julie sighed. She was trying her hardest to make Naomi see what she had accepted already. Their father was going to die. “Naomi, you have to be realistic about this and…”
“Julianna, I will grieve our father the way I need to, not the way you want me to. If that means I want more tests ordered before we pull the plug, then that’s what we’re going to do.”
I cringed at Naomi’s words. She full named her. Hardly anyone called Julie by her full name. Sometimes I forgot Julie was just a shortened version of her name.
Naomi got up and walked out of the conference room, leaving behind a stunned Julie. Naomi was angry at Julie. I had to fight the urge to tell her that she didn’t mean her anger towards her. She was just upset.
“We can order any tests you want,” Dr. Bernstein said as he rose from his seat.
“I don’t think that’s going to be necessary,” Julie said. “I’ll talk to her. Right now, she’s upset and she’s not thinking clearly.”
“Understandably so,” Dr. Bernstein said. “I have another patient I need to check on. If you have any more questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to bring them to myself or Dr. Michelet.”
“Thanks,” Julie said.
Dr. Bernstein stepped out of the conference room, leaving me alone with the one person in this world that I never wanted to be alone with again.
Julie looked at me awkwardly. From the look on her face, she was as uncomfortable as I was, if not more.
“Thank you too,” Julie said. “I know how close you were to my dad, so I know it must be hard to be his doctor.”
“Of course,” I responded.
“I should go catch up with Naomi.” Julie was about to leave the conference room.
I gave in to the urge I had been feeling since Julie and Naomi walked in. I got personal. “Julie, I’m really sorry about your father. I know how difficult this must be for you. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now.”
For the first time since we saw each other, her lips curved into a beautiful smile. The smile that it took me forever to get over. It was a small smile, but it was there.
“Losing a parent is part of life. But, thanks for the condolences and for taking care of my father.”
What was wrong with her? She had changed so much. I mean she had always been somewhat of a bitch, but this was taking it to a whole new level. She was being so cold.
Maybe she was trying to be strong for Naomi. She never was very open with her emotions. She had a great poker face, but this was taking it to an extreme. Her father was about to die, and she was acting like this was any other patient. Like him dying wouldn’t affect her one way or the other.
It made me wonder what became of Julie’s life. What specialty did she decide on? Was she even still a practicing doctor? Did she have a girlfriend? Did something happen between her and her father that made her not care if he lived or died? Or was her poker face that convincing that I thought she didn’t care but deep down she did?
I had so many questions about Julie. Questions I knew I wasn’t going to get answers to. Answers would mean talking to her like we were friends again.
We could never be friends again.
Chapter 4—Julie
It was so hard to stand in front of Hope like we were strangers. It didn’t help that she was looking at me with her signature look. “The Look”. The one where I know she’s worried about me but doesn’t know how to say it look. She had that look a lot when we were together.
Our encounter left me extremely bothered. I was bothered because I knew I still loved her. The second I saw her the only thing I felt was love. After five years, I still wasn’t over her, which was terrible because I was the one that left her. I had no right to feel this way.
During our entire conversation I had to fight the urge to run into her arms and fall apart. God, I wanted to fall apart so badly. To cry over what was happening to my father. But I couldn’t. Not now. I knew that if I fell apart, no one was going to be there to pick up the pieces.
Naomi was fragile. She always was. Way more fragile than me. There was no way that my fragile sister was going to be able to put me back together when I had to be there for her. That meant that I had to be strong for the both of us. I was always the strong one. Always. Even when we were toddlers. I needed to be strong now more than ever.
“Earth to Julie,” Matthew said from across the table.
I looked up from my untouched salad. Hospital food sucked already, but with everything I was going through eating salad felt like I was chewing on dirt. “What? Did you say something?”
Matthew gave me a sympathetic look. He was my best friend. We went through high school together, then college, and then medical school. He was a pediatrician now, which completely fit him since he was practically a child himself.
“I’m fine,” I assured him.
“Yeah, your eyes tell me something different.”
“Matthew, my father’s dying. I’m as well as can be expected.”
He looked at me with scrutiny. “Have you cried?”
“Shut up, I don’t have to cry.”
“Julie, this bottling up of your emotions isn’t healthy. You’re going to explode one day and it’s not going to be pretty.”
“Listen, I appreciate your concern, but I’m a grown woman who can handle her emotions herself. Okay?”
“Fine, but when you flip out on one of your patients you’ll be sorry you didn’t deal with those unchecked emotions.”
“I highly doubt I’m going to flip out on a child. Maybe one of their parents, considering how annoying parents can be.”
“I still can’t believe you switched to pediatric surgery. You hate kids!”
“I don’t hate kids!” I said quickly, defending myself. “Why does everyone always think that I hate kids?”
“Because you do. Remember that time you tried babysitting for extra cash? That poor kid. You made her cry.”
“You don’t understand how terrible she was. She deserved to cry. Anyway, I was fourteen. That was practically a lifetime ago. I’ve changed.”
“Once a child-hater, always a child-hater.”
I sighed, looking back down at my pile of dirt salad.
“Jokes aside, I’m glad you’re doing well in New York,” Matthew said. “It sounds like you really enjoy pediatric surgery.”
“I do. Losing kids is hard but fixing them feels so amazing.”
“I know what you mean.”
Matthew had been there for me through a lot. My mom leaving, coming out in high school, my break up with Hope. I didn’t know what I would do without him. It was so hard being so far away from him with him in Chicago and me in New York. Thank God for Facetime.
“I missed you,” I said.
“I miss you too. But you’re here now and we can make the most of these few days.”
“It just sucks the reason why I’m here,” I said despondently.
“It does,” he agreed, reaching out to cover my hand with his. “I really am sorry about your dad.”
“Thanks. Me too.”
“I heard his doctor is a certain hot blonde that may have been the love of your life.”
“Subtle,” I said, smiling at Matthew.
“How’s that going? Seeing Hope again?”
“It’s going alright.”
“It’s got to be awkward with how you guys left things.”
Awkward didn’t cover it. Being in the same room with Hope felt worse than sparring with someone stronger than you in a boxing match. Actually, I’ve boxed with someone stronger than me and that felt better than h
aving to face Hope after all these years.
“We were fine. We barely spoke. And when we did it was just about my father.”
“You barely spoke? So, you guys didn’t even make small talk?”
“Matthew, you’re making this more than it is. We’re not together and we’re both fine with that, obviously.”
I wasn’t fine with it, but I spent a lot of time learning to act like I was. I missed Hope. I missed being with her. More importantly I missed being loved by Hope. When she loved you, that was all you needed. The world could be ending, and she would look at me and I would know that everything was going to be okay. I missed that feeling so much.
Matthew looked at me skeptically. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what?” I questioned.
“I think you’re pretending not to care, but I can never tell with you since you do that so well.”
“What pretend not to care?”
“Yes. Then again, Hope seems to have gotten pretty good at that as well. I know it took her a while to get back to normal after you left, but she seems to be herself again. It took her a long time to move on from you.”
I felt a pang of turmoil in my stomach. Move on? As in Hope had moved on? Did that mean she was seeing someone else? Was she in love with this someone else?
I didn’t know what I was thinking. Of course, she found someone else. She was amazing, and anyone would jump at the opportunity to be with her. I was the one that was stupid enough to let her get away.
I looked at Matthew curiously. “So, she’s moved on? Like does she have a girlfriend, or is she married?” I shuttered at the thought. Hope being married to someone other than me made me feel sick to my stomach.
Matthew smiled a smug smile at me. Ugh, I knew that smile all too well. “Why the interest?”
“I’m not,” I lied. “I’m not interested. I just know that I hurt her. I still feel guilty for how things ended, and I just want to make sure that Hope is happy.”
“Mm hmm, sure,” Matthew said, completely unconvinced. “Well, she seems to be. She’s dating some perky nurse named Cary.”
“That’s good,” I said. “Perky is good for Hope.” Stab me in the freaking heart why don’t you! Dammit! Perky is bad! Bad because it’s good! Hope is with someone that’s good for her, which means we’re done. We have no chance of ever getting back together. Way to go Julie. I’m such a fuck up! World class fuck up!
“I don’t like her,” Matthew said.
“Matthew.”
“I don’t! She’s too perky. It’s annoying.”
“Are you sure you don’t like her just because she isn’t me?”
Matthew glared at me. “No, I just don’t like her because she’s annoyingly perky!”
I rolled my eyes at him, about to tell him to give… what has her name again? It didn’t matter. I was going to tell him to give whatshername a chance, but then Hope walked into the cafeteria.
I quickly looked away from the door, hoping she wouldn’t see me. I had hoped having an early lunch would work in my favor. Apparently, Hope changed her usual late lunch routine.
Matthew laughed at me, shaking his head. “You should try to remember that we’re in our late twenties, Julie. You might want to try acting your age.”
“Says the man who plays video games nonstop.”
That shut him up quickly.
Matthew was right. I was being childish. Hope had clearly moved on. Maybe it was time I did the same.
I had to stop holding onto the past. Hope and I had something amazing. An epic love. But that was over.
Back in New York, it was easier to remember that. Here, everything was becoming so confusing. The feelings I had for Hope were rushing back and I needed to find a way to stop them.
I experienced this sometimes back home. I started thinking about Hope and how much I missed her. Sometimes I even thought about calling her. My usual remedy to this situation was to sleep with someone. Man or woman. It didn’t matter so long as there was no emotional attachment.
I know, slutty. But it was how I managed to cope with losing the one person I ever loved.
Maybe I needed a good old-fashioned hook-up to take my mind off Hope. I needed a night out. I needed a distraction from dying fathers and old girlfriends that were moving on with annoyingly chipper women.
Chapter 5—Hope
After work I went to meet Cary at a bar close to my place. After the day I had I needed more than a couple drinks. I also needed to see Cary.
I needed assurance that I was over Julie, like she was over me. The way she acted was so bizarre. She acted like we never meant anything to each other. Like we didn’t share a past. There was a time when we were in love. We talked about getting married one day.
How do you go from talking about marriage to being complete strangers?
“Dr. Gates is probably going to die,” I said to Cary.
“There’s no chance he’ll come out of it?” Cary asked.
“I wish, but his brain was without oxygen for way too long. I’m surprised we even managed to get him back at all.”
“I’m sorry. I know he’s your mentor.”
He was so much more than that though. Of course, Cary wouldn’t know that because I had yet to share that with her. I had yet to share a lot of things with her. I wasn’t sure why, but it was taking me a long time to open up to Cary. Actually, I did know why. I did a psyche rotation in med school. I was afraid of getting hurt again.
“Yeah, he was a mentor. But, he was kind of like family.”
“How so?”
“Growing up, I used to spend the night at his house a lot with Julie and Naomi. I was there all the time. He was like a second father to me.”
“I had no idea,” Cary said, gently rubbing my arm. “This must be so hard for you.”
“I’m fine. It just doesn’t seem real that he’s dying, you know?”
“Yeah, it never does,” Cary said understandably.
We were in the medical field. We dealt with death all the time. You’d think I’d be used to losing people by now, but this was different. It was so much different when it was someone close to you.
“I can only imagine what Naomi and Julie are feeling.”
Cary stayed quiet. I looked up at her and saw that she was looking towards the bar. “I’d say that one of them is feeling pretty good at the moment. Or shitty depending on how you look at it.”
I looked over to where she was looking and found out what she meant. Julie was sitting at the bar, definitely drunk and flirting with some guy next to her. A guy that seemed to be getting pretty handsy. I rolled my eyes. Sometimes I forgot that she was bisexual and very much fond of sex. The girl was practically a sexaholic, which was fine when we were together. Now, it looked like her love for sex was about to get her into some trouble.
This is not my problem. Julie is not my problem.
“Dammit,” I sighed.
“Yeah, I was trying to figure out how to mention that Julie was at the bar.”
I didn’t need this right now. I was with Cary. I wasn’t about to worry about babysitting my drunk ex.
Julie was always a loose drunk. I might not be very fond of her anymore, but I wouldn’t want something to happen to her or for her to do something that she’s going to regret in the morning. I bet she doesn’t even know that guy’s first name let alone that he’s not an axe murderer.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. I finally managed to look back at Cary with confliction. Did I go over there and help Julie, or did I choose my current love interest? Were we girlfriends? I wasn’t sure yet.
“Look, I know you guys have history,” Cary said. “And I know that I shouldn’t be telling you to go over to Julie because I’m probably setting myself up to get hurt, but I’d be a terrible person if I didn’t tell you to go talk to her.”
“Julie is a grown woman. She can take care of herself and it’s not my business who she chooses to sleep with.”
“You
’re right,” Cary said. “She is a grown woman, but you also know what she’s going through right now. You know that she’s hurting, even if she’s trying not to show it. She’s trying to numb her pain.”
I did know all that. I just didn’t want to admit it, because admitting it meant I would be going over there to babysit and possibly get hurt again in the process.
“And I know that you are an unbelievably caring woman that loves unconditionally and wholeheartedly,” Cary continued. “There was a time when you loved that woman. Part of you probably still does. Wouldn’t you want someone to help the woman that you loved?”
“You’re right,” I said.
“I know,” she smiled.
“I guess we should go over there and try to get her to go home and…”
“Oh, no,” Cary said, shaking her head. “I’m leaving.”
I looked at Cary in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“Honey, as big of a person that I’m being, I don’t think I’m big enough to help you take care of the love of your life.”
A guilty feeling overtook my body. I couldn’t help but wonder what Cary had heard about my relationship with Julie.
“It’s okay,” she continued, gathering her purse and phone. “I’m going to head back to my place. You call me when you can. Just take care of Julie.”
I sighed. I still felt terrible for doing this, but I wouldn’t forgive myself if something happened to Julie. I knew her. And I knew that she needed help. “I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
After kissing her goodnight, I walked over to the bar and approached Julie. “I think it’s time to go.”
Julie furrowed her eyebrows and glared at me in confusion. She was so drunk. She looked like she was trying to figure out who I was.
“You are the exact person that I didn’t want to see,” Julie sighed.
Ouch.
“Well, hello to you too,” I said.
“What are you doing here Hope?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing. Shouldn’t you be with Naomi?”
“No, I can’t sleep with Naomi, can I?” she asked, as if it was a serious question.
Love Never Dies Page 2
