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Gangsta Granny

Page 10

by David Walliams


  The policemen all started chuckling too.

  “You’d have to be a bit daft to believe a thing like that!” she said. “Sorry, Ben,” she whispered to her grandson.

  “That’s OK!” Ben whispered back.

  The policemen unlocked the handcuffs, and hastily retreated into their cars and vans and sped off out of Grey Close.

  “Sorry to disturb you, Madam,” said one of the departing officers. “Have a good day.”

  The helicopters disappeared up into the dawn sky. As the blades got faster, Mr Parker’s precious pork-pie hat flew off his head and into a puddle.

  Granny approached Mr Parker, who was standing hatless in her drive.

  “If ever you need to borrow a packet of sugar…” she said kindly.

  “Yes…” said Mr Parker.

  “Don’t knock on my door or I will shove that bag of sugar up your backside,” said Granny with a sweet smile.

  ∨ Gangsta Granny ∧

  31

  Golden Light

  The sun had risen, and Grey Close was bathed in golden light. There was dew on the ground, and an unearthly mist made the little row of bungalows look somehow magical.

  “Ah well,” said Granny with a sigh. “You’d better run home now, young Ben, before your parents wake up.”

  “They don’t care about me,” said Ben.

  “Oh yes they do,” said Granny, tentatively putting her arm around her grandson. “They just don’t know how to show it.”

  “Maybe.”

  Ben yawned the biggest yawn he had ever yawned in his life. “Gosh, I’m so tired. Tonight was amazing!”

  “It was the most thrilling night of my life, Ben. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” said Granny with a twinkling smile. She took a deep breath.

  “Oh, the joy of being alive.”

  Then her eyes filled with tears.

  “Are you all right, Granny?” said Ben softly.

  Granny hid her face from her grandson. “I’m fine, child, I really am.” Her voice wavered with emotion as she spoke.

  Suddenly, Ben knew something was very wrong.

  “Granny, please, you can tell me.”

  He held her hand in his. Her skin was soft but worn. Fragile.

  “Well…” said Granny hesitantly. “There is one other thing I lied to you about, dear.”

  Ben had a sinking feeling.

  “What’s that?” he asked and he squeezed her hand reassuringly.

  “Well, the doctor gave me my test results last week, and I told you I was fine. That was a lie. I’m not fine.” Granny paused for a moment. “The truth is, I have cancer.”

  “No, no…” said Ben with tears in his eyes. He had heard about cancer, enough to know it could be deadly serious.

  “Just before you ran into him at the hospital the doctor told me the cancer, well, it’s very advanced.”

  “How long have you got left?” spluttered Ben. “Did he say?”

  “He said I wouldn’t make Christmas.”

  Ben hugged his granny, as tight as he could, willing his body to share its life force with hers.

  Tears were running down his cheeks. It was so unfair – he’d only really got to know Granny in the last few weeks, and now he was going to lose her.

  “I don’t want you to die.”

  Granny looked at Ben for a moment.

  “None of us are going to live for ever, my boy. But I hope you never forget me. Your boring old granny!”

  “You’re not boring at all. You’re a proper gangsta! We very nearly stole the Crown Jewels, remember!”

  Granny chuckled.

  “Yes, but not a word of that to anyone, please. You could still get in a whole heap of trouble. It will have to remain our little secret.”

  “And the Queen’s!” said Ben.

  “Oh yes! What a nice old dear she was.”

  “I will never forget you, Granny,” said Ben. “You will for ever be in my heart.”

  “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” said the old lady.

  “I love you so much, Granny.”

  “I love you too, Ben. But you’d better be running along now.”

  “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “That’s very sweet of you, dear, but if your mummy and daddy wake up and find you gone, they are going to be extremely worried about you.”

  “They won’t.”

  “Oh, yes, they will. Now Ben, please be a good boy.”

  Ben reluctantly rose to his feet. He helped his granny up off the step.

  Then he held her close and kissed her on the cheek. He didn’t mind her hairy chin. In fact, he loved it.

  He loved the whistle of her hearing aid. He loved that she smelled of cabbage. And most of all, he loved that she blew off without even knowing it.

  He loved everything about her.

  “Goodbye,” he said softly.

  “Goodbye, Ben.”

  ∨ Gangsta Granny ∧

  32

  A Family Sandwich

  When he finally arrived home, Ben noticed the little brown car was missing from the drive. It was still very early in the morning.

  Where could his parents have gone at this hour?

  Nevertheless, he climbed up the drainpipe, through the window, and back into his bedroom.

  All that clambering was hard work; he was tired after staying up all night and the wetsuit made him heavier than usual. Ben moved his Plumbing Weeklys aside so he could hide the wetsuit under his bed. Then, as quietly as he could, he put on his pyjamas and climbed into bed.

  Just as he was about to shut his eyes, he heard the car speed up the drive, and the front door open, and then the sound of his mum and dad sobbing uncontrollably.

  “We’ve looked everywhere for him,” said Dad, sniffing. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “It was my own stupid fault,” added Mum, through her tears. “We should never have entered him for that dance competition. He must have run away from home…”

  “I’ll call the police.”

  “Yes, yes, we must, we should have done that hours ago.”

  “We have to get the whole country out looking for him…Hello, hello, I need the police, please…It’s my son. I can’t find my son…”

  Ben felt so wretchedly guilty. His parents did care about him after all.

  Massively.

  He leapt out of bed, burst open his bedroom door, and ran down the stairs into their arms. Dad dropped the telephone.

  “Oh my boy! My boy!” said Dad.

  He hugged Ben tighter than he had ever hugged him before. Mum put her arms around her son too, until they were one big family sandwich, with Ben as the filling.

  “Oh Ben, thank goodness you came back!” wailed Mum. “Where have you been?”

  “With Granny,” replied Ben, not quite telling the whole truth. “She’s…well, she’s very ill,” he said, sadly. But he could see from his parents’ faces that it wasn’t a surprise to them.

  “Yes…” said his dad, uncomfortably. “I’m afraid that she’s – ”

  “I know,” said Ben. “I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me. She’s my granny!”

  “I know,” said Dad. “And she’s my mum too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, son. I didn’t want to upset you…”

  Suddenly, Ben could see the pain in his dad’s eyes. “That’s OK, Dad,” he said.

  “Me and your mum have been up all night looking everywhere for you,” added Dad, as he squeezed his son even tighter. “We never would have thought to look for you at your granny’s. You always said she was boring.”

  “Well, she’s not. She’s the best granny in the world.”

  Dad smiled. “That’s sweet, son. But you could still have told us where you were.”

  “I’m sorry. After I let you down so badly at the dancing competition, I didn’t think you cared about me.”

  “Care about you?” said Dad, a shocked expression on his face. “We love you!”

>   “We love you so much, Ben!” added Mum. “You must never think differently. Who cares about a silly dancing competition hosted by TV’s Flavio Flavioli? I am so proud of you, whatever you do.”

  “We both are,” said Dad.

  They were all crying and smiling now, and it was hard to know if the tears were happy or sad ones. It didn’t really matter, they were probably a mixture of both.

  “Shall we go to Granny’s for a cup of tea?” said Mum.

  “Yes,” said Ben. “That would be nice.”

  “And me and your dad have been talking,” said Mum, taking her son’s hand in hers. “I found the plumbing magazines.”

  “But – ” said Ben.

  “It’s all right,” continued Mum. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. If that’s your dream, go for it!”

  “Really?” said Ben.

  “Yes!” chimed in Dad. “We just want you to be happy.”

  “Only…” continued Mum, “…me and your dad think if the plumbing doesn’t work out as a career, it’s very important you have something to fall back on…”

  “Fall back on?” asked Ben. He really didn’t understand his parents at the best of times, let alone now.

  “Yes,” said Dad. “And we know ballroom dancing isn’t your thing…”

  “No,” agreed Ben, relieved.

  “So, how do you feel about ice dancing?” asked Mum.

  Ben stared at her.

  For a long moment Mum just looked straight back at him, then finally her face cracked and she burst out laughing. And then Dad was laughing too, and even though there were tears still on his face, Ben couldn’t help joining in.

  ∨ Gangsta Granny ∧

  33

  Silence

  After that, things were much better between Ben and his parents. His dad even went to the hardware shop with him and bought him some plumbing tools, and they spent an extremely enjoyable afternoon together taking apart a U-bend.

  Then, a week before Christmas, the three of them received a late night phone call.

  A couple of hours later, Ben, Mum and Dad were gathered around Granny’s bed. She was in a hospice, which is where people go when the hospital can’t treat them any more. She didn’t have long left to live. Hours maybe. The nurses said she could go any time.

  Ben was sitting anxiously by Granny’s bed. Even though she had her eyes closed and didn’t seem able to speak, sitting in that room with her was an incredibly intense experience.

  Dad paced up and down at the foot of the bed, unsure of what to do or say.

  Mum sat looking on, feeling helpless.

  Ben simply held Granny’s hand.

  He didn’t want her to slip away into the darkness alone.

  They listened to her raspy breathing. It was a horrible sound. But there was only one sound that was worse.

  Silence.

  That would mean she was gone.

  Then, to everyone’s surprise, Granny blinked and opened her eyes. She smiled when she saw the three of them. “I’m…famished,” she said in a weak voice. She reached under her sheets and took out something wrapped in clingfilm, which she started unpeeling.

  “What’s that?” asked Ben.

  “It’s just a slice of cabbage cake,” wheezed Granny. “Honestly, the food in here is ghastly.”

  A little later, Mum and Dad went out to get a coffee from the vending machine. Ben didn’t want to leave Granny’s side for one second. He reached out and took her hand. It was dry, and so light.

  Slowly, Granny turned to look at him. She was running out of time, Ben could see that. She winked. “You’ll always be my little Benny,” she whispered.

  Ben thought how he used to hate that name. Now he loved it. “I know,” he said, with a smile. “And you’ll always be my Gangsta Granny.”

  ♦

  Later, after Granny had finally gone, Ben sat quietly in the backseat of his mum and dad’s car as they drove home from the hospice. They were all tired from crying. Meanwhile, loads of people were out Christmas shopping, the roads were full of cars, and there was a long queue outside the cinema. Ben couldn’t believe life was going on as normal when something so momentous had just happened.

  The car turned a corner and approached the little parade of shops.

  “Can I pop into the newsagent, please?” said Ben. “I won’t be long.”

  Dad parked the car, and as a light snow was falling, Ben made his way alone into Raj’s shop.

  DING! went the bell as the door opened.

  “Aah, young Ben!” exclaimed Raj. The newsagent seemed to notice the sad look on Ben’s face. “Is something the matter?”

  “Yes, Raj…” spluttered Ben. “My granny just died.” Somehow saying that made him start crying again.

  Raj rushed out from behind the counter and gave Ben a big hug.

  “Oh, Ben, I am so so sorry. I hadn’t seen her for a while, and I guessed she wasn’t well.”

  “No. And I just wanted to say, Raj,” said Ben between sniffs, “thank you so much for telling me off that time. You were right, she wasn’t boring at all. She was amazing.”

  “I wasn’t trying to tell you off, young man. I just thought you had probably never taken the time to get to know your granny.”

  “You were right. There was so much more to her than I ever imagined.” Ben wiped the tears away with his sleeve.

  Raj began searching his shop. “Now…I have a packet of tissues somewhere. Where are they? Oh, yes, just underneath the football stickers. Here you go.”

  The newsagent opened the packet and passed them to Ben. The boy wiped his eyes.

  “Thank you, Raj. Is it ten packets of tissues for the price of nine?” he said with a smile.

  “No no no!” chuckled Raj.

  “Fifteen packets for the price of fourteen?”

  Raj put a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “You don’t understand,” he said. “They are on the house.”

  Ben stared. In all the history of the world, Raj had never been known to give anything away for free. It was unheard of. It was madness. It was…it was going to make Ben cry if he wasn’t careful. “Thank you so much, Raj,” he said, quickly, choking up a little. “I’d better get back to my parents. They are waiting outside.”

  “Yes, yes, but just one moment,” said Raj.

  “I have a Christmas present somewhere here for you, Ben.” He started rummaging around his cluttered little shop again. “Now, where is it?” Ben’s eyes lit up. He loved presents.

  “Yes, yes, it’s right here behind the Easter Eggs. Found it!” exclaimed Raj, as he produced a bag of Murray Mints.

  Ben was a tiny bit disappointed but he did his best to hide it.

  “Wow! Thank you, Raj,” said Ben, doing his best school-play acting. “A whole packet of Murray Mints.”

  “No, just one mint,” said Raj, opening the bag, and taking a single Murray Mint out before handing it to Ben. “They were your granny’s absolute favourite.”

  “I know,” said Ben, with a smile.

  ∨ Gangsta Granny ∧

  34

  Zimmer Frame

  The funeral was on Christmas Eve. Ben had never been to a funeral before. He thought it was bizarre. As the coffin lay at the front of the church, the mourners mumbled their way through unfamiliar hymns, and a vicar who had never met Granny made a tedious speech about her.

  It wasn’t the vicar’s fault, but he could have been waffling on about any old lady who had just died. He went on in a dreary monotone about how she liked visiting old churches and was always kind to animals.

  Ben wanted to shout out. He wanted to tell everyone, his mum and dad, his uncles and aunts, everyone there about what an incredible granny she was. How she told the most amazing stories.

  And most of all he wanted to tell them about the marvellous adventure he had shared with her, how they had nearly stolen the Crown Jewels and met the Queen.

  But no one would have believed him. He was only eleven. They would assume he had made th
e whole thing up.

  When they arrived home, most of the people who were at the church descended on the house. They drank cup after cup of tea, and ate plate after plate of sandwiches and sausage rolls. It seemed weird having the Christmas decorations up at such a sad time. At first people chatted about Granny, but soon they were gossiping about other things.

  Ben sat alone on the sofa, and listened to the adults talking. Granny had left him all her books, and they were now cluttering up his bedroom in great piles. He was tempted to hide away in his room with them.

  After a while a kindly-looking old lady moved slowly across the room with her Zimmer frame and eased herself down next to him on the sofa.

  “You must be Ben. You don’t remember me, do you?” said the old lady.

  Ben looked at her for a moment.

  She was right.

  “Last time I saw you, was your first birthday,” she said.

  No wonder I don’t remember! thought Ben.

  “I am Granny’s cousin, Edna,” she said. “Me and your granny used to play together as girls, when we were just about your age. I had a fall a few years ago, and I couldn’t cope on my own, so I was put into an old folk’s home. Your granny was the only person who would come and visit.”

  “Really? We didn’t think she ever went out,” said Ben.

  “Well, she came to see me once a month. It wasn’t easy for her. She had to get four different buses. I was extremely grateful.”

  “She was a very special lady.”

  “She was indeed. Incredibly kind and thoughtful. I don’t have any children or grandchildren of my own, you see, so me and your granny would sit in the lounge of the old folk’s home and play Scrabble for hours together.”

  “Scrabble?” said Ben.

  “Yes. She told me how much you liked playing it too,” said Edna.

  Ben couldn’t help but smile.

  “Yes, I loved it,” said Ben.

  And to his surprise, he realised he wasn’t lying. Looking back, he had loved it. Now his granny was gone, every moment he had spent with her seemed precious. More precious even than the Crown Jewels.

 

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