Holy Socks And Dirtier Demons

by J. A. Kazimer

  man? A better man?

  I sighed. For better or worse, I’d find it out soon enough. “Don’t

  keep me in suspense. Whose kidney do I have? Is it someone rich and

  famous? Incredibly handsome maybe?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Jesus.”

  “Come on, tell me.”

  She shook her head. “I just did. You are the proud owner of Jesus’s

  kidney. His right kidney to be more precise.”

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  Fifty Nine

  My head dropped onto my pillow and I closed my eyes. The kid had

  sacrificed his kidney for me, to save me. I owed him my life. I shook my

  head. Everything I hadn’t wanted for him I’d forced upon him. As grateful as

  I was to be alive, I hated knowing he’d suffered for me.

  Lilith shot me a crooked smile. “If it makes you feel any better God

  was against it. He even threatened to ground Jesus, but the kid was adamant.

  He really looks up to you.”

  “Yeah, I’m a great role model.” I pushed myself up. The stitches in

  my back pulled tight, but the pain was manageable. “Listen, I need to tell you

  something. I should’ve said it months ago...”

  “Jace! ” My mom threw open the hospital room door. It bounced off

  the wall, but Joe, my stepfather, caught it before it slammed back in her face.

  “Oh honey, I’m so glad to see you up.” Mom pushed her way to my

  side. She wore jeans and a white sweater, a fuzzy black cat decorating it. Her

  gray hair was cut short, motherly, but the sparkle in her amber eyes told

  stories of a naughty past. “My poor little guy. Poor sweet ba—”

  “Stop fussing.” I added to soften the order, “Whether you believe it

  or not, I’m not two anymore. I can take care of myself.” To prove it, I fluffed

  my pillow grimacing in pain the whole time, but stubbornly refused to admit

  it.

  Joe, looking more like a gangster than a farmer in a polyester suit and

  wing-tipped shoes, took the opportunity to slap me on the shoulder while

  shoving a cigar in my hand. “Congratulations, son. Your mother and I are

  thrilled.”

  Congratulations? Thrilled? Oh shit, had Lilith told them about

  Mary’s love child? “I… ah…” I stammered.

  My mom beamed, her eyes filled with happiness. “Do you know that

  this sweet girl,” she pointed at Lilith, who had never described herself as

  sweet nor a girl, “stayed at your side this whole time. We had to beg her to

  take care of herself. For the baby’s sake.”

  Baby? What the fuck was going on? “Yeah, Lilith’s a gem.” I nodded

  my head in her direction. “Can I talk to you in private?”

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  Mom and Joe exchanged a knowing glance. “Sure, honey. We’ll be

  right outside.”

  After the door closed behind them, I faced Lilith. “Is there anything

  you wanna tell me? Like how my parents know about Mary?”

  “No.”

  I ran a hand over my beard. “Tell me anyway.”

  “Fine.” She blew out a breath. “But you’re not going to like it.”

  My eyes followed the rise and fall of her significantly larger than I

  remembered breasts. The blood, once filling my brain, slipped south.

  “They aren’t talking about—” she began, licking her full, red lips.

  “Never mind. Come over here.” I crooked my finger at her. Fantasies

  of hospital bed sex and sponge baths swirled in my head, replacing any

  thoughts of Mary, my parents, or my Jesus kidney. I wanted Lilith. Had to

  have her, right here, and right now, or I’d lose my mind. Maybe I’d already

  lost it.

  Her smile warmed, turning seductive. She stretched, her shirt pulling

  tight across puckered nipples, and she rose from the chair. My eyes caressed

  her bare shoulders, the tight fabric crushing her breasts, and slipped lower, to

  the enormous beach ball growing out of her middle.

  Fuck. All my nasty thoughts vanished, and for a second or two, I

  stopped breathing. The heart monitor next to me screeched in warning.

  “Jesus,” I yelled. “Cupid wasn’t lying. The son of Satan knocked you

  up...” Bile climbed into my throat when I thought about the night of

  debasement and debauchery Lilith and I had shared. I’d fucked a pregnant

  woman, and in such degrading ways. What kind of low-life did that?

  Smack. A red, stinging handprint formed on my naked chest. Lilith

  pulled her hand back, preparing for a punch. I grabbed her fist seconds before

  contact.

  “Stop it.” I uncurled her hand with my fingers. “You’re going to hurt

  yourself or the baby. Mothers-to-be should stay calm.” The advice sounded

  right, but what did I know?

  Lilith pulled her hand away and let out a scream. “You make me

  crazy, you know that? One minute you’re such an asshole I want to strangle

  you, and the next, you’re Prince Fucking Charming.”

  “Like you’re a picnic to live with,” I mumbled. “When’s the baby

  due?”

  If she heard my first comment, she decided to let it go. Instead, she

  said, “Early November.”

  “Good.” I blinked and rubbed my forehead. “What month is it now?”

  She shook her head. “October.”

  Right. That explained the zombie decorations. I thought the doctors

  were just being dicks, seeing as I was in the coma ward. “Does Samuel

  know?”

  “Probably.” Her brow furrowed. “He does own a calendar.”

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  Bitch. “I meant does he know about the pregnancy?”

  This time her confusion appeared genuine. “Why would I tell

  Samuel?”

  “You’re right. It’s best if he doesn’t know.” I smiled. Joe had raised

  me without question; I’d do the same for Lilith’s child. I’d treat him like my

  own son; love him like flesh and blood. Protect him with my life. “Lilith,

  I—”

  Raised voices in the hallway drown out my words. “I won’t let you

  take him again. You can’t. Joe, do something,” My mom screamed seconds

  before a loud crash echoed from the hallway. A shout and a rush of crepe

  soled nurses shoes followed the noise.

  The door swung open.

  I blew out a frustrated breath. Every time I opened my mouth to tell

  Lilith how I felt, some one interrupted. “God dammit.”

  “I missed that. Did you want me to damn something?” asked a long

  haired guy, sporting a newly blackened eye.

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  Sixty

  “Jehovah, why are you here?” Lilith moved in front of me, her hands

  covering her inflated stomach. Was she protecting me or hiding her

  pregnancy?

  Either way, I wasn’t putting up with it. “Lilith, sit down.” I waved to

  the chair by my bed. She frowned at me, but did as I asked. Once she sat, I

  kicked my legs out of the bed and slowly stood. My thigh muscles quivered,

  calves cramping and twitching, but I stayed upright.

  God watched my struggles. He stood there like a statue, without

  judgment, or assistance. My respect for Him grew. Finally upright, I offered

  God my hand, and He took it. His skin surprising warm, and human in mine.

  Behind God my stepfather appeared, his face a violent shade of red,

  eyes burning with hate
and fear. Before I had a chance to stop Joe, he jumped

  on the Lord’s back.

  “Don’t touch him,” Joe yelled, punching God in the head. “Take me.

  Leave my son alone.”

  I stepped away, as Joe pummeled the Heavenly Father. God did not

  fight back, instead He accepted every blow. Finally, Joe’s punches slowed,

  weakening due to age or sanity, but still filled with rage.

  Tears dripped from Joe’s eyes. It was the third time I’d seen him cry.

  The first two times had been at my brothers’ births. Too young to understand

  why the man I idolized was crying, I’d felt shamed instead. Now my heart

  swelled knowing the tears he cried were for me.

  “Please take me instead,” Joe whispered, climbing off the Lord’s

  back. My mom stood in the doorway, tears streaming down her face. Next to

  her, a half-foot taller version of the kid jumped up and down. Behind them,

  nurses, doctors, and patients crowded the hallway.

  “Get out.” I motioned to the rubberneckers, and once Joe calmed

  down, they left. My mom and Joe hugged each other, waiting for the wrath of

  God. The kid danced around the hospital room talking up a storm. It made

  me long for the days of ‘Mine’. God sat in the middle of the floor, eyes

  staring at the shiny surface.

  “I...” Where to start? I shuffled my way to Joe, and took his bloodied

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  hand. Broken knuckles swelled underneath his calloused skin. “I love you,” I

  whispered to him. “I never said it before, but you’ve been a wonderful father.

  Thank you.” My mother gave a choked sob, and tucked her head into Joe’s

  chest.

  Joe smiled, a familiar, heart-felt smile. “I love you, too, son.”

  “He’s not your son,” God mumbled, not taking his eyes off the

  ground.

  “What’d you say?” Anger treaded through me. Fuck God, and His

  family values. Blood didn’t make family. “At least Joe would never sacrifice

  his son. Twice.”

  Lilith drew a sharp breath. “No, Jace. Don’t.”

  The kid, who’d been running in circles, stopped, lip quivering. Guilt

  quickly replaced my anger. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, but

  it was little consolation. “It’s complicated. See at one time...”

  God held up His hand. “Jesus knows all about it, Jace. You’re the

  one still in the dark.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  To my surprise, it was my mom who answered, “Honey, when I was

  nineteen, I met a man—”

  “I know the story.” I rolled my eyes. Now was not the time, place, or

  people to rehash my conception. Besides, what did I have to do with Jesus? I

  was born almost two thousand years after his sacrifice.

  “Let your mother finish,” God snapped, but didn’t glance up. Damn,

  He took His commandments seriously. What was He going to say when He

  found out I did more than covet my neighbor?

  I glanced at Lilith, and she shrugged. Fine, it was God’s show after

  all. I shuffled back to the bed, and sat.

  Mom smiled. “I was a virgin, in the technical sense.” Okay, I

  could’ve done without that information. She went on, and it only got worse.

  “I met a man named Jerry. He was everything I thought I wanted my first

  time. Sweet. Caring. And terribly handsome. And after a wonderful night

  together, Jerry and I went our separate ways.”

  “And nine months later I was born.” I motioned to myself, half-afraid

  of where her tale was going.

  “Yes, nine months later you came into my life, like a miracle. I

  received a beautiful baby boy, and Joe, the love of my life.” Mom’s eyes

  caressed Joe’s wrinkled face. The love between them had only grown over

  the years. As quickly as her eyes warmed, they turned icy. “You probably

  don’t remember, but when you were three, you had an accident. I wasn’t

  paying enough attention. Your baby brother crawled into the street, and you

  ran after him. A truck hit you.”

  “Mrs. Miller, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault,” Lilith offered. I had a

  feeling she was right. Since birth, us kids had better protection than the FBI

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  could have provided. Mom had a network of neighborhood informants and

  spies that equaled Homeland Security.

  “Please, call me Merry,” Mom offered. “After all, we’re family

  now.”

  “Thank you,” Lilith said, eyes filling with tears. Must be the

  hormones. A non-pregnant Lilith had never cried.

  Merry gave me a small smile. “I’d like to believe it was—” she

  glanced at Jehovah “—God’s will.”

  The Lord looked up for the first time since her story began, and He

  nodded, a flicker of something in His eyes. Yep, I didn’t like where this was

  going at all.

  “Jace’s heart stopped.” Mom swallowed hard and glared at God. “He

  died in my arms.”

  God jumped to His feet. “I gave him back, damn it.”

  “You had no right to take my son in the first place.” Joe stepped in

  front of my mom, his fists ready for battle.

  “He’s not your son,” God roared.

  Great, we were back at square one.

  I closed my eyes, and prayed for patience. I wanted all of them to go

  away, except for Lilith. I wanted her naked and on her knees.

  A small hand touched mine. I opened my eyes, staring at the serene

  face of the Messiah. His eyes sparkled, and bald head gleamed. He

  whispered, “’Member?”

  I shook my head. “Remember what, kid?”

  “Mine, don’t be a-scared.”

  “Come on, you know me better than that.” I winked at him. “I fear

  nothing. Not purple demons or resurrected roaches. Hell, even dirty Messiah

  diapers are no match for Mine.”

  “Then ’member, Mine.” His finger brushed my forehead, and the

  pain in my back vanished. “’Member.”

  A swirl of memories filtered through my head. Lilith. The angel.

  Mary and Sid. Hades. Samuel. Mom and Joe. Life and death. Love and loss.

  God in Heaven. A flickering of something important. A memory of another

  time, in another place...

  My eyes shot open and I stared into the face of my father..

  Our Father, who spent most of His time in Heaven, Jerry be His other

  name.

  Fuck me.

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  Sixty One

  I sat in stunned silence for ten minutes, staring at God, as he stared

  back with the same green eyes. I gestured around the room. “Out. Everyone.

  Out now.”

  My mom’s face paled, but she did as I asked, leaning on Joe for

  support as they left the room. Lilith was next to leave. She kissed my

  forehead, and dragged the kid out of the door. God would have followed, but

  I stopped Him. “No, you stay.”

  He nodded. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he seemed nervous, which

  was ridiculous. What did the Big Man have to fear from a mere mortal?

  I pushed myself up from the bed. “Explain to me how you and my

  mom...”

  The Lord shrugged. “Heaven gets lonely, son.” Lonely? Was He

  fucking kidding me? God added, “Your mom, she’s quite a woman. If things

  had been
different...”

  Ee-yew. “Yeah, I’m sure the two of you would’ve made a great

  couple, but I’m a little more concerned about what happens now?”

  “What do you mean, son?” God’s eyes narrowed, showing off deep

  creases. He looked all of His five thousand years.

  “Don’t call me that.” My hands curled, but through sheer force of

  will, I unclenched them. “What happens to the kid? To me? Are we sacrifices

  to show the faithful you care? A means to save your position in Heaven?”

  God shuffled to the window. He tapped the glass, much like a kid

  gazing into a fishbowl. “Two thousand years ago, I made a mistake. I wanted

  to prove my love to the world. Prove myself to be something other than a

  vengeful God. A God to fear. And, yes, to prove my rightful place in Heaven.

  I allowed Jesus to die on the cross, and it broke my heart.”

  Yeah right, that’s why the kid’s here for round two.

  “It was his choice, Jace.” God frowned, His reflection glinting off the

  window. “Jesus determined his own fate. His sacrifice. Just like when the

  time comes you will choose yours.”

  ~ * ~

  “Jace H. Christ,” I whispered for the tenth time in an hour. Lilith sat

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  next to me on the bed, stroking my thigh. The rest of my “family” had left at

  my insistence, or rather, at my forceful prodding. My threat of no

  grandparental contact had sent them scurrying.

  “It has a nice ring to it.” Lilith grinned.

  “Yeah, but so does having ten wives. Then you think about it, and

  either way, you’re fucked Monday through Sunday. So when do you have

  time for football?”

  She laughed. “Now that you know, what do you plan to do?”

  I had no clue. One thing was for sure though; I wasn’t going to let the

  kid, or me die for anyone’s sins. Original or extra crispy ones. If He wanted

  to stay the leader of Heaven, He had sure as hell better find another way.

  “Did you know?” I lifted her chin, my eyes searching her beautiful

  face. “Was that why you helped me? Why you’re here now?”

  The corner of her mouth twitched. “I knew.”

  “And?”

  “And what?” Her grin grew.

  “Damn it, Lilith.”