When Girlfriends Let Go

by Savannah Page

  “And you’re between a rock and a hard place.”

  “Tell me about it.” Yes, I think, she feels my pain, understands, and now the sympathy? Sympathy money?

  “I’ve been there,” she says. “It sucks. Not in the same exact position with a husband possibly cheating and—”

  “Is cheating, Robin. I know I’m not one hundred percent certain, but there is evidence. He’s just got to be cheating!” I say this with such vindication and force. Though there’s still that small glimmer of hope that Andrew has stayed faithful, the glimmer is waning. I feel more and more proof-positive with each passing day—each day that goes by without a word from Andrew—that I’ve lost my husband to another woman.

  “I’ve been in that tough spot,” Robin carries on, “single and pregnant and needing my friends to lean on. Emotionally, physically…financially.”

  So you understand! I think, starting to feel relief.

  “You were all there for me, in one way or another. In whatever way each of you could offer, could afford,” she explains. “You did what you thought was best for me, and you have over time, even after Rose was born. Sometimes I didn’t agree with the choices or couldn’t see the other side or got frustrated with things when they didn’t go my way. I mean, we all want things to go our way, as we planned, you know?” She laughs softly. “But that’s not the way of life, and I had to accept the things I didn’t like and live with it. Make the most out of it! I had to step up and grow up.”

  I can sense where this conversation is headed, and I’m not exactly pleased. I pick the back of my pink, freshly polished acrylic and blubber out a loud sigh.

  “That’s where you are now, too, Jackie. It’s time for you to step up.” Robin’s interrupted by some loud banging and screaming in the background.

  “Look, doll, I’ve got to run. Rose is playing the pied piper, and I’m trying to feed Phillip and get him to sleep, and it’s just—I’ve got to go.”

  “But Robin.”

  “I love you, Jack, and if you need some food or a shoulder to cry on, I’ll try my best to get on over there. You’re welcome here, too, you know?” Then she shouts out, “Rose, do not hit the windows with the spoon. Argh!”

  A rush back to the phone, voice lowered but still just as frazzled: “I’ve really got to run, Jack. Later.”

  ***

  “Doctor, things are bad,” are the first words out of my mouth during one of my routine mid-afternoon sessions with Dr. Pierce.

  “You and Andrew talking?” he says as he takes his seat.

  I toss my Louis Vuitton Neverfull handbag to the foot of the chaise longue and sigh melodramatically. I lie down, drape one arm over my eyes, and say, “I wish, Doc. Then I wouldn’t have any money troubles. You know, if I had money I could so do this single woman thing on my own. I bet you anything.”

  “You have nothing to wager, let’s not place bets,” he kids, but his joke doesn’t get a laugh.

  Instead, I just shake my head and say, “I’m serious. You know, the only reason I flew home from Paris and ran home was because I had money troubles. I loved leaving town. I loved leaving Andrew behind and making him worry, getting to do my own thing without having to check in.” I dart my head up and look Dr. Pierce square in the eyes. “Make him feel what it’s like—shoe on the other foot! Things just got all shot to hell.” I plunk my head back down, arm returning to cover my face.

  “So you’re still battling the hostility with Andrew and the last discussion you had?”

  “Of course I’m still battling hostility!” I nearly shout, aghast. “And the last discussion? It was a disaster! It was the last fight.” I bite the tip of my tongue, lock my jaw. “It was the last anything, Doctor. I try to forget about it and just move on, wait for the divorce or whatever’s next.”

  “So what are the things that are bad?’”

  I look at Dr. Pierce, my face contorted into an expression of bewilderment. “Doctor, are you listening to me? Things that are bad? My life! My whole life’s bad!”

  “You came in saying things are bad. Anything in particular? Anything…new?”

  “I’m just in a bind with finances, and I asked a friend to help and she said no.” I rub at my face. “Added stress, lost my job, marriage looks like it’s over…”

  “Your marriage is going through a tough time, and your finances aren’t in order,” he says cautiously. “You’re stressed. These things are rough, yes, but these things are not your entire life, Jackie. They do not define you.”

  “Oh, Doctor,” I groan. “These things are a huge part of life!”

  “Yes—”

  “Things are bad because I need to get back on my feet, but every time I try I fall down. I’m just so over this phase of my life. I’m ready for my marriage to be back to the way it was.” I drape my arm over my face again. “Listen to me! I can’t believe what I’m saying. I just didn’t realize how good the bad was. What I wouldn’t give to have my old life back.”

  “Jackie, you were very miserable back then.”

  “Not as miserable as I am now!” I say, shooting my head up once more. “Look at me! I’m practically catatonic!”

  Dr. Pierce lets a half-grin slip through. “Jackie, the point is not to regress, the point is to progress. We’re moving forward here. Wanting things to be…bad, but less bad…isn’t going to make matters better. Are you still taking your prescription?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you’re not having more than one drink a day, right?”

  “Yes.”

  Dead air, waiting for me to clarify.

  “Yes to you’re right,” I rush out. “No to I’m not having more than one drink a day.”

  “And there are days, back-to-back, where you don’t have a single drink at all?”

  “Yes. Yes, there are times when I’m completely sober for days at a time. Ugh!” I pause, then splutter out, “So I have a little slip-up now and then, go on a little bender. Who doesn’t?”

  “These slip-ups aren’t what we’d call…routine?”

  “No,” I say honestly. “Trust me, there’ve been times in my past where I’d party hard five, six days a week.” I simper, thinking back on my dangerous days when getting to do a line of coke or being the designated girl one frat house or another elected to do body shots off of were my greatest priorities of the week. “I’m fine.”

  “This is better.” He adjusts his navy tie. “What about the job search? Any progress on that?”

  “Lara topped me up,” I say simply, “when Robin couldn’t. I can manage for another week or two without a problem. Of course I’m sure she’ll start to get peeved or ask prying questions when I keep coming to her with my hand held out. I just am really living on pennies, Doctor, car chugging on fumes.”

  Dr. Pierce clears his throat in a purposefully apparent way. “Things can’t be that bad, can they, Jackie?”

  I meet his eyes.

  “This is a safe place,” he says. “You can be honest. Are you being truthful with me?”

  “What?” I stare at him with a vacant expression.

  He gestures to my handbag. “Nice nails, nice purse. I’m not here to cast judgment, I’m here to help, and if finances are a trouble, perhaps it’s time we shift the discussion towards priorities.”

  “Hey!” I hold up a hand. “That bag’s not new, for your information. Had it for years. As for the nails.” I look down at the fill job I recently got. I give a weak grin and slip my hands under my thighs. “Cheap. A cheap fill job.”

  “Jackie.”

  “I need to look decent for job interviews!” I spew out the first thing that comes to mind—not a half-bad excuse.

  “I told you,” I say, tone calm now. “I’ve got enough to scrape by with Lara helping me. I’m fine. It’s just bad because I’m not rolling in it like I used to when I was with Andrew. There were some fab perks to that marriage. Now on my own it’s just… Well, it sucks.”

  “You know what I’ve said about this befo
re,” he says with precision, “and you know I have the same thing to say today.”

  Here we go again. Dr. Pierce thinks I should buckle down and get a job, any job, even one that requires flipping hamburgers or cold-calling. “Anything that is consistent and requires responsibility,” he says.

  “Same time next week?” I ask, perturbed at the deadbeat session today that’s at last come to a close. I fling open the door.

  “Same time next week,” Dr. Pierce says as he scribbles in his notebook.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  I’m on my way to Sophie’s this hot August night for a much-needed girls’ night Claire insisted on. At first we’d planned to meet at Claire’s home, but when Sophie heard Chad was due to swing by to pick up Conner and go out to some pub to watch a game, she insisted we have girls’ night at her place, dead-set on avoiding him.

  I’m fine with it seeing how Claire’s Madison Park home is clear across town. My car is back down to the ‘E’ mark, so driving straight down Aurora Ave at a slow and steady pace to Sophie’s apartment in Belltown is fine by me.

  I’m less than five minutes away when my cell phone notifies me of the email I’ve been waiting an eternity for, and I can’t help myself.

  “Emily!” I shriek excitedly, nearly swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic when I see Saunders, Emily pop up on the screen.

  I safely pull to the side of the road. Grabbing my phone, I begin to eagerly read Emily’s message, not a second to wait.

  Hi, Jackie! It is so good to hear from you!! I miss you too! Travels in Australia and New Zealand have been nothing short of amazing. The wildlife is spectacular, the landscapes brilliant, the company fantastic! Gatz is a natural-born traveller, and I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect to wander with.

  I’m sorry things at home aren’t going well. If I were with you I’d pinch your cheek and tell you, ‘Chin up!’ I wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you everything will be all right. Well, how’s this? Everything will be all right! Even though you can be totally zany and make some insane choices, your aura is a bright one. You’re special, Jack, and Andrew knows that. He’s got his load to figure out right now, and so do you. Take this time to do something big, something wonderful, something important.

  And as for Sophie firing you, she probably did it because she loves you. That café’s got a lot of mysteries and intrigue about it. It’s got a funny relationship with love, and I bet Sophie’s just doing what the café gods are telling her is best. (Yes, I think the Maori tribes I’ve been reading up on are having a wonderfully infectious effect on me.)

  Hang in there, kid. I’ll try to Skype you in the next couple of weeks. We’re going backpacking in Byron Bay for a bit, and I anticipate I’ll be getting caught up in some crazy-awesome photography and surfing (taking it up, BTW). Sorry in advance for not keeping in better touch!

  I love you and miss you. Take care and keep that chin up!

  PS: I read the horoscopes today and yours says that someone or something is going to intimidate you and make you feel like you need to escape. (No, I don’t think it’s referring to Paris you crazy girl!!) Advice of the stars says this person or thing is just what you need in order to do what you have to. The opportunity is there, but it’s disguised. Rest assured, it says that once you gain the confidence to face the intimidation, you can carry on your journey safely. Pretty cool, hah? Appropriate? I think so.

  Well, safe journeys to you, my BFF, and wish me the same. Hello and hugs to all the girls, hi from Gatz.

  XO,

  Emily

  ***

  “I’m serious!” Sophie says in a no-laughing-matter kind of way, even though she’s fighting off a fit of laughter herself. “It was not funny. It was so awkward and humiliating.”

  Claire and Robin are howling, Lara can’t stop her covering-the-mouth chuckling, and I can see the whole sordid thing right now, clear as day, and the laughter just won’t subside.

  Sophie giggles at last, the humor of the ordeal no longer lost on her. She reaches for her glass of Riesling. “So in retrospect it’s kind of funny, okay,” she admits. “But at the time it was just downright horrible. Totally embarrassing, girls!”

  “It’s Chad, Sophie,” Lara says with a large smile. “How embarrassing could it really be? I mean, maybe if he was a total stranger or something—”

  “Or even if he wasn’t,” Robin says. “Like if it were Gatz.”

  Sophie groans as she sets her wine glass down on the coffee table.

  “So what’d you do?” Lara asks.

  “Well I didn’t stick around to watch, that’s what I didn’t do!” Sophie looks appalled.

  A roar of laughter erupts loudly again.

  “They weren’t like…” I pause, purse my lips, and survey the room. I then look to Sophie and say, “They weren’t like…doing it, were they?” Sophie’s face goes long. “Or about to?”

  “Oh, no! Ew!” Sophie writhes in discomfort.

  “You think they would?” Claire asks with hungry eyes. “Omigod, how gross, but how sexy.” She shakes her hips.

  “Claire,” Sophie says with a straight face, “there’s nothing sexy about Chad, a former employee,” Lara and I share a roll of the eyes, “and Evelyn, an employee, doing the hanky-panky in my café!”

  “Oh, come on,” I say, unable to restrain myself. “You’ve got to admit there’s at least some sexiness to hanky-panky in a forbidden place.”

  “Oh, yes, I forget that laundry rooms are perfectly acceptable places to get lucky,” Sophie says smugly, arms crossed.

  “Oh!” Lara cries. “That’s right! The dorms, your freshman year? Jackie, I can’t believe you didn’t get caught.”

  Sophie laughs and holds up two fingers. “Okay, that makes two for the laundry room,” she says, obviously referencing that one time—that one really stupid, high-out-of-my-mind time—when Chad and I did it in the laundry room at his parents’ house years ago. “Jackie, I love ya, hon, but you’re obviously not the most unbiased of people in this situation.”

  “Conner and I’ve done it in the men’s locker room at the pool,” Claire snickers. “Sophomore year, U Dub pool.”

  “Okay!” I say, clapping my hands. “Let’s all share the most risqué places we’ve ever done it!”

  Sophie groans and rolls her eyes, trying to hide her embarrassment and flushing cheeks behind her wine glass. She takes a long, slow pull.

  “Okay,” Robin says eagerly. She rolls up the cuffs of her capri jeans some, then props herself higher up on her the small loveseat with one leg tucked underneath her. “I’ve got one for ya!” She fans at her face with what looks like a metro map of Paris, which she snagged from under Sophie’s coffee table.

  “A hot and heavy session, was it?” Claire kids.

  “It’s hot in here,” Sophie says, eagerly leaping forward to leave the titillating discussion. She goes to adjust the air conditioning when Robin says, “Okay. So it was with Bobby.”

  “Obviously,” Lara says with a sugary smile.

  “And it was on our honeymoon.”

  “Ooooh,” I coo. “Fresh naughtiness.”

  “We were hiking, and, well, one thing led to another and we did it right there off of the hiking trail.” She pulls her shoulders up and giggles like a schoolgirl. “Not exactly crazy-risqué, but—”

  “Bold,” Sophie says. “Definitely bold.”

  “And you?” Robin says, looking at Sophie. “Where’s your craziest place?”

  Sophie nervously laughs as she settles back into her comfortable position on the sofa. “Paris is definitely meant for lovers,” she says in a singsong way. “Couples making out left and right.”

  “So true,” I interject.

  “Even though I have no love life to talk about,” Sophie waxes on, “that French guy, Henri, and I did give it a go in some daring places.” She’s blushing again.

  “When?” I blurt out. “This year? Before I showed up?”

  Deeper blus
hing, then, “Okay, we did hook up a couple times this summer.”

  Oooohs and Ahhhs fill the cramped living room.

  “But that first summer.” Sophie pauses for a lengthy moment, pressing her lips together tightly, ready to let us in on her naughty little secret.

  “Tell already!” I cry at last.

  “It was a crazy-fun summer!” Sophie bursts. “There was the bathroom at this wine bar over in the Latin Quarter. Victor Hugo Caveau or something like that. A classy, artsy place that was totally defiled.” She smiles fiendishly. “There was the attempt in the Tuileries, but that totally failed. A hot make-out session, though. Then the really romantic time in the gardens of Versaille.”

  “The Palace of Versaille?” Claire says.

  “The place is gigantic,” Sophie says. “Those gardens? The chances that someone would have seen us were so slim. It was perfect.”

  “Was this when I was in Paris with you, Sophie?” Claire makes a curious face. “When we went to Versaille together?”

  Sophie brings her glass of wine to her lips, and before taking a drink says, “No, this was another time. Before you and Conner came over.”

  “Well you should’ve told me!” Claire lightly smacks her on the leg. “Conner and I love doing it in forbidden places. Oh, and how romantic would that have been?” Claire presses her hands to her heart. “We were just engaged, on vacation together in romantic Paris, a romp in the gardens…”

  Sophie laughs and says, “Minus the brambles and the damp grass and the bugs…and the heat…it was pretty romantic.”

  “Well now that my mind is filled with pornographic images,” Lara says teasingly. “You want to finish up this ode to love and tell us what happened with Chad and Evelyn finally?” She motions to Sophie.

  “It was closing time,” Sophie says, “and it was just me and Evelyn—as always. I’ve really got to get myself another employee, you know? I’ve been thinking of hiring on another person, but part-time is all I can afford.”

  “Back to the subject,” Claire sings.