Beautiful Ruin

by Alison Foster

  He takes me in his arms and holds me the way he knows I like. “It does,” he says softly and then kisses my lips once, twice and three times. “And then you’ll make everything all wet.” He laughs and spins away.

  “That’s not fair, Nate.”

  He grins proudly. “I’m talking about cooking. Where have you let your mind wander, Grace?” He grabs a bag of carrots from the fridge and crunches into one. “You just made this whole thing awkward. I’m offended. Big time. I think you might be a sex fiend.”

  I wave him off. “You’re an idiot.”

  He crunches his carrots and gets over himself. “What is all this for anyway? Are you cooking for me?”

  “You wish,” I say as I lower the heat on the cauliflower pan. “It’s for Thanksgiving at Taylor’s tomorrow. I promised I’d bring something.”

  “Oh, I didn’t realize you had plans for tomorrow,” he says. The surprise in his voice tells me I screwed up big time by not telling him.

  “Yeah, you know, she’s my oldest friend. I know her family. I told her last week I would come.”

  “You don’t have to explain, Grace. I understand.”

  “Do you have somewhere to go?” No matter how nice he is about it, I still feel like crap leaving him alone on Thanksgiving Day.

  “I’m good. Don’t worry about me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He ignores the question. Instead, he puts his hands in his back pocket and produces an envelope. “Here, this is for you.”

  “For me?” I take the envelope and look it over. “This is from the medical center,” I say. “What is it?”

  “I’m clean. No STDs, HIV negative, it’s all there.”

  I take a piece of folded paper out of the envelope and look at the writing on it, completely stunned. “You had blood work done?”

  He nods. “It’s not a tactic. It’s respect. And I’m not trying to pressure you. Just thought you should have the facts, just in case.”

  This man never ceases to amaze me. “Thank you, I guess.”

  “Of course, I’d still use a condom,” he says. “In case you’re wondering.”

  I wasn’t. He’s so excited he makes me dizzy. I take a deep breath in. It’s now or never. “There’s no need for that,” I say, trying not to blush.

  His hopeful face fades to resignation. “It’s not going to happen, is it?”

  I instinctively reach out to touch his hair. “That’s not what I mean.” I tap his nose. “I’m on the pill.”

  This piques his interest. “Really? But why? How long?”

  “One week.”

  “Wait,” he says, beginning to glow. “Did you do this for me?”

  I let my eyes drop coyly. “I don’t know. I just did it.”

  “You bad little girl. You did this for us a week ago.”

  I’m terrified to lift my eyes to see his excitement but I do. He smiles and takes my hand into his hand. With the other hand he turns off the stove.

  “The food’s not ready yet,” I protest.

  “I will cook whatever you want. Just wait.”

  He locks his lips on mine, gently slipping his tongue inside my mouth. My tongue greets him eagerly, twisting around his until we’re completely tangled in a long, wet kiss.

  He lifts me, gently gripping my butt, so he can kiss my neck. His soft breath makes my skin and ears tingle. It feels so sweet I think I might cry.

  “Nate, please.”

  He pulls his head back to look at me. I’ve never seen his eyes look darker or hungrier. “What is it?”

  “I need to tell you something.”

  He takes a long, deep breath as he lowers me to the floor. “Grace, this is torture to always stop. I need you.”

  I shake my head. “That’s not it. You should know what you’re dealing with. Will you hear me out?”

  He leads the way to the loveseat and as I settle down beside him, I am pretty sure talking to him about this right now was not a good idea.

  “I need you to understand why I’ve been sending mixed signals.”

  He puts a hand on my thigh. “I don’t fucking care, Grace. Forgive my language. I want this moment. I want you. To hell with yesterday.”

  “Please, hear me out. It matters to me.”

  “Sure,” he says. “Tell me whatever’s on your mind. I love your voice.”

  Sometimes I can’t help but feel he’s too good to be true. “Remember our conversation the other day about, well, my sex life or lack thereof?”

  He nods but doesn’t interrupt. I’m grateful for that because I know it can’t be easy on him to have to wait for me to make up my mind.

  “When I said I lost interest in sex, I left out the most important part and that’s the reason why.”

  “Okay. Are you ready to share that?”

  “There was this guy at college. He swore he was in love with me. He said there was nothing he wanted more than me. I didn’t share his feelings but I was feeling lonely having just ended a relationship and he seemed nice and caring so I decided to give him a chance.”

  I pause, unsure whether I can finish, whether I should finish. Nate waits patiently for me to collect my thoughts.

  “We went out on a couple dates and we ended up making out.” I take in a shallow breath. “Well, in the process of making out I realized the whole thing was a mistake. I could not feel a romantic impulse for this guy no matter how much I tried.”

  “It happens.”

  “Only he wouldn’t stop. Not even after I asked him repeatedly.” Now I’m done. I can’t think of that horrible night anymore. Nate knows enough now.

  His neck muscles tense and twitch as he begins to speak. “Did he rape you? Is this what you’re telling me?”

  “I was assaulted. It wasn’t quite rape in the strict sense of the word but it was horrible,” I say, doing my best not to allow visual memories to resurface. “He had his hands all over me.” I stop, searching for more air in the room. “The whole time pressing me down with his weight. My wrist twisted behind my back. He said I was a tease and a liar. That feeling of helplessness hasn’t left me since. It’s held me captive and made me afraid of intimacy.”

  “Give me a name. I’ll kill him,” he says so seriously it’s almost funny.

  “Please, no bloodshed on my account,” I say trying to act cool.

  “This is not okay, Grace. He needs to pay.”

  “Nate, drop it.” I stare intensely into his eyes until he nods.

  “Okay, but I’m furious.”

  “That’s sweet,” I tell him. “This happened almost two years ago. When I tried to date again I found I could not engage in intimacy even if I liked the guy. I couldn’t feel anything when kissed or touched. Occasionally I would try again and failed every time.”

  “You were not failing,” he says.

  “I know,” I say as he touches my cheek tenderly. “I gave up eventually. Nate, I needed you to know this. I don’t want you to feel rejected if things don’t work out. It’s not because I don’t like you. It’s because I’m ruined.”

  His face bends into such a compassionate expression. In this moment, I think that he really does care for me.

  “Who have you told this to?” he says.

  “Just you. I never wanted to relive it. I never thought I’d tell anyone.”

  “So you’ve carried this all on your own?”

  “Was that stupid?”

  “You’re like me,” he says.

  “So I am stupid?” I joke.

  “No, funny girl, you’re a total sweetheart.”

  I rest my head on his strong shoulder. “I want to change, Nate. I want to move on. I really do.”

  “We’ll get you there,” he whispers as he kisses the top of my head protectively. “You’ll get through the fear. You just have to be ready for it.”

  “I don’t know. I might push you away again.”

  “Relax now and let me take care of you. You’re in charge. Do you understand? I do what you want.
I stop when you want.”

  He gets off the couch and lifts me up with one arm, placing the other arm under my knees. I wrap my arms around his neck as he carries me to the bedroom. I keep breathing in and out, counting to three every time, having pretty much decided to let him do whatever he wants with me.

  I have to learn to trust again.

  Once inside the bedroom, he sets me on my feet and sits on the edge of the bed, pulling me closer to him by the waist and hips. He gently slides his hands inside the top of my yoga pants and pulls them down.

  I gasp at this sudden move, having no doubts left of what is about to happen. He reaches up and pulls my shirt over my head. I’m left standing in my white bra, panties and socks. Thankfully, he’s not staring at me yet, which makes it kind of easier to be that exposed in front of this gorgeous man.

  He puts his lips to my belly button and kisses softly. He murmurs something I do not understand. I let my fingers invade his hair, playing with the silky strands that tickle and soothe me. He showers my belly with the smallest kisses until he grabs my hips and removes my panties.

  I am now what he has called me from the beginning. Innocent. My breath trembles out of my mouth and my panicked heart inflames every little naughty bit of me. He smiles at my nakedness. I blush and try not to faint.

  When his eyes lift from my girl parts I am extremely grateful. Desire and terror mixed there for a moment to make me shiver all over. He sends a little smile up to my uncertain eyes as his hands unclasp my bra.

  My poor, neglected girls burst from their long imprisonment as my bra falls helplessly to my feet. I look down to my last defense, my white socks, the only piece of garment left covering me. He follows my gaze, quickly reaching down to take one sock off at a time. I help him by lifting each foot for him.

  “All that’s left is me,” I say shyly, trying to grasp the fact that I’m standing completely naked in front of Nate. My eyes trail off to the ceiling. Not knowing what he’s going to do with me thrills and overwhelms my senses.

  He slides his hands along the sides of my breasts teasing me with the soft touches of fingertips. He takes both breasts in his palms squeezing them with the slightest twist. His thumbs find my nipples and then his forefingers. He pinches lightly causing my nipples to stiffen even more. He admires my excited nipples as he massages my breasts harder and harder.

  I’m so ready for him, my whole body aches with the extended electric happiness caused by his hands on my girls. A moan escapes my throat when he takes one ecstatic nipple into his mouth. I want to touch his smooth skin, feel his muscles tense under my fingers but he’s still fully dressed, sitting on the bed sucking away at one nipple while his hands squeeze my breasts together, giving me access only to his hair and neck.

  It’s kind of humorous that now he decides to keep his clothes on.

  He moves to the other nipple, licking it at first, then sucking hard on it. At the roughest it’s equal parts pleasure and pain. I let out a scared cry when I realize he’s begun using his teeth. He looks at me worried, almost frightened that he has caused some irreparable harm. “Do you want me to stop?”

  I shake my head. “Stop and I’ll kill you. I want it. All of it. I want to feel alive. You make me feel alive,” I whisper, feeling a kind of suspended bliss enveloping me in the moment. I never want the feeling to end.

  He knows I am his now and takes command. He lifts me up like a doll, holding me close to his chest. I feel exhilarated and embarrassed at the same time, wondering if he has felt on his forearm how wet he’s making me.

  He lays me on the bed and begins again to lavish my breasts and nipples with his lips and tongue. The sensations produced by his touch are so demanding and intense I think I am going to go mad. I have no idea why I waited this long to take him up on his offer.

  Who gives a fuck about motives? I’m his. I was always his.

  He traces a finger across my belly at a downward angle to the ticklish place where the pubic hair begins. He caresses it softly as he pushes his tongue inside my mouth. I kiss him back with complete abandonment savoring the sweetness of his mouth and his hot breath on my face.

  His index finger moves further down to discover the hot, flowering confession of my body. Before I have time to be embarrassed by my excess wetness, his finger finds and gently pins my clit up against me. I gasp as he makes the tiniest pressure circles always keeping it pushed up and pinned.

  Time stops. The moment of truth has arrived. For a split second I think of running away but it’s only a moment and then I don’t want to move at all. I want to stay under his touch and feel the pleasure mount and surge and intensify for the first time in almost two years.

  I don’t want to be too obvious, but I start to tense muscles in my inner thighs and pelvis to better encourage and direct his touches. As soon as he senses my hunger, he removes his hand.

  I can’t help but let out a sigh of disappointment.

  “Do you want more of that?” he whispers. What kind of a question is that? Didn’t he say I’m in charge?

  “Yes.” I exhale, barely able to breathe.

  “And how should a good girl ask?” he says.

  I have no option but to play along. He has me where he wants me and I am beyond desperate to get his finger back where it belongs. “Please,” I say, mortified at my own willingness to be submissive.

  “Please what?”

  The bastard. My full compliance is required. “Touch me,” I say.

  “Say the words, baby. Liberate yourself.”

  “I’m not sure I can.”

  “Sure you can. All you have to do is trust me.”

  Trust. The magic word that makes kingdoms fall. Why the hell not? I’m not a prude and I want my life back. “I’m begging you, Nate. Please, rub my clit. Make me come. I want to come for you. I do.”

  As soon as I say the words he slides two fingers inside me while his thumb rubs circles on my clit, supporting himself on his other arm so his weight doesn’t crush me. I wrap my arms around his body and bite his earlobe, spreading my legs as wide as I can. His fingers work faster now with growing pressure setting my whole body on fire.

  Tears threaten to form as I realize how close I am to absolute bliss but then the orgasm begins to arrive in ripples and all I’m capable of doing is wrapping myself tighter around him. My nails dig into his shirt and I scream out in lusting gasps and animalistic groans. My muscles contract and release while I come all over his fingers.

  He stares dispassionately into my eyes as buzzing, trembling aftershocks continue to dissipate slowly upward into my belly and ribs. He studies my eyes as I am unable to even close my jaw which just hangs open as I enjoy the last pleasing exhausted deliciousness of my orgasm.

  His fingers keep moving but ever slower until the moment the pleasure turns to pins and needles and I need him to stop. I push his hand away and lie back feeling wiped out even though he has performed exquisitely.

  He turns to his side and kisses my face sweetly. “Such a good girl,” he says. “You came so sweet and beautiful.”

  “You made me come,” I say with a grin. “You’re beyond magical.”

  “We made you come, Grace. I needed your full cooperation,” he says lying on his back. He kisses the fingers he used and smiles.

  The old fear has been chased away but a new one emerges. I worry that he’s done with me, that he’ll stay dressed and try to hug me or something, but I want more, I want so much more.

  I’m a hungry kitten now. I want to see him naked, I want to touch him, feel how hard and thick he can be. I want to feel his need but I don’t know how to tell him all this. I can barely move my limbs. I’ve been scared and unloved for so long, I’ve forgotten how to take the first step.

  My fears are assuaged when he slides an arm underneath me and rolls my body easily up on top of him. His fingers follow the path of my spine making me shiver. “You haven’t seen anything yet,” he says as he grabs my ass with both hands squeezing my cheeks roughly with
brutish ownership.

  “I’ve seen a lot,” I start to say but then he spreads my legs apart, lifts me slightly by the hips to place me right where he wants so he can move me up and down against the full length of his bulging erection trapped in his pants.

  My body warms all over again with every little rub of my clit along his shockingly thick shaft. I put my hands on his to stop the motion.

  “You know,” I start to say.

  “What?”

  “How much longer exactly am I going to be the only one naked?”

  He beams a boyish smile. “Finally,” he says with a laugh and just like that he sits up, positions me on his lap with my legs wrapped around him and takes his shirt off over his head.

  There he is in all his masculine glory, ripped and hard all over. My hands want to touch everything at once, his delicious six pack, his firm pecs and his wide shoulders, everything all wrapped in tanned skin that smells of body spray and the ocean. I can’t help myself, I put my hands on his chest checking out his smooth and powerful build.

  He watches patiently for a while before he pulls me close so that my breasts are smashed against his beautiful, firm chest.

  My hand goes for the zipper on his jeans but they’re so tight I can’t quite pull it all the way down. He sets me down on the bed, jumps up and in an instant his jeans and underwear are down and his erection leaps out in shocking dimension pointing stiffly at me.

  My goodness. He is a singularly impressive man.

  He picks me up and sits me down on him again, squeezing my hips harder than before as he moves me along his length. My imagination runs wild with thoughts of that cock inside me, stretching me, teasing me, filling me up.

  He’s moving my hips back and forth faster and faster. He licks my nipples making them harder with each flick of his tongue. Then his tongue moves to my neck before finding my ear. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispers and then he takes his erection in his hand. He spanks my clit twice with the head of his pulsing cock and then with one powerful thrust he’s inside me pushing me down onto my back.

  My heart stops as he buries himself deep inside of me and there’s nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. He stretches me wider as he thrusts ever deeper. I have wanted this and yet it scares me.