Dirty Chaos

by L. A. Corvill

  I hear a creak of the floor outside my bedroom. I see Brian at the threshold of my room, about to turn around.

  “Stay,” I say against Nolan’s lips. He walks into the bedroom, quietly through the shadows, making sure the bedroom door is closed. Brian always takes care of us.

  The first time we did this was freshman year, when we stole a bottle of tequila from my dad’s liquor cabinet. One shot lead to another and the caresses started to turn heated. Afterwards when we woke up, we thought it would be awkward but it wasn’t. Just like everything else in our lives it was normal, we had shared all our first already why not this. We don’t indulge in it often because I have to be the one to initiate it. That was the guys’ only rule. But I don’t since I know my boys, they like to do their own thing separately. So, we haven’t done this in a while all three of us together, I think the last time was early in our junior year.

  I am brought back when I see Brian taking off his t-shirt and starts walking towards the bed. Nolan is kissing me on my chest, trailing kisses down my body as he removes the rest of my clothes. The adrenaline of having both boys worshipping my body does what Nolan’s kiss hadn’t done. It makes me tingle from head to toe. The anticipation between the softness that Brian brings and the animalistic roughness that is Nolan sets my body on fire.

  I feel the bed shift as Brian’s knees come to rest on the bed. He leans into me and finds my lips, kissing me with the tenderness that I crave. One of my arms goes into his hair since the other one is holding Nolan’s face in place. We haven’t done this since we were sixteen. I know in my mind that it’s wrong, but my body doesn’t care. Nolan pacifies the need in me that motocross hasn’t since I can’t be on the track: the quick rush, the euphoria. Brian represents the ballet in me: the tenderness, and the discipline. When I mix them, like tonight, it is chaotic.

  It has been a few days since I saw the boys. They went back to practice and so did I. Dion has been driving me insane. My performance has been coming along pretty well, but he keeps saying that it lacks emotion that he sees me as detached. I have no idea what he is talking about. I sweat, point toes, and pliѐ. He has mentioned that if I don’t shake off my funk he will talk to my mother. He knows I hate to disappoint her, or my father for that matter. They give me free rein of my life. As long as my academics are in the top percentage and ballet is flawless at every performance, then, I can do anything I want with my free time, which usually means riding my bike.

  I am lost in my thoughts when I walk into my last period of the day. As soon as I walk in, my eyes look for the brown ones, the ones I see in every period, but he is not looking for mine. He has his hand running through Beth’s ugly hair. I hope it all falls off. I can hear her giggling as he whispers in her ear. I want to barf.

  I’m about to take a seat when his eyes shift to mine and just like that, I’m trapped again. God I hate that it has been happening all week. Every time our eyes meet I get trapped, and our eyes meet a lot throughout the day. I always tell myself that it will be the last time I make eye contact, but I can’t because I’m starting to like this fluttering feeling at the pit of my stomach that I get every time. It’s how I feel when I master a new stunt or do an awesome sequence in dance. This feeling is starting to top those and I am not sure how I feel about that.

  I break eye contact and take a seat. Mrs. Rose walks in the door. She goes straight to the board and writes “Family” underlining the word. She turns to around look at us. I can hear all the seats shifting as everyone gets settled in. She waits a few moments before she starts.

  “Okay class, this next couple of weeks we will be concentrating on what family means, not only to you but to everyone else in class. We will be having many assignments where you are going to be paired with someone else. To be fair since we are uneven in genders, I will be drawing names when the time comes for each assignment.”

  She goes on to say what our first assignment consists of and what is expected by next week. I feel like kindergarten all over again with all the magazine cutting we will be doing. This class is such a waste of time. The bell rings and I get all my stuff to walk toward the gym since Brian is giving me a ride home. My parents are in town, and sometimes my father borrows my jeep for location scouting since it has four wheel drive.

  As I make my way down the hall, I hear someone yell my name. I don’t stop because I know that voice…a voice I can nearly recognize in my sleep.

  “Hey Lola, wait up,” Luka says as he comes into step with me. “Is there a fire? You left the classroom in a hurry.”

  “I have things to do beside wait around an empty classroom. Is there something you need?” I say as I continue walking down the hall. I can feel my hands getting clammy; I am nervous. I never get nervous around a boy. I grew up with two, and believe me they are hot. Not Luka hot, though. Luka has that strong jaw line and smirk that lets the world know that he knows how hot he is. His golden brown-hair begs to have hands running through it, pulling him closer. His face is flawless. Lola, snap out of it.

  “Well, I wanted to ask you if we can practice together sometime this week since I need to make sure I can clock in fast times. None of the guys that I have been racing are real competition, so that makes me lazy. I need someone that can give me a run for my money. When I asked Uncle Jack who that could be, he said Cole, which would be you.”

  “I don’t have time to be your trainer. I have other interests that I need to concentrate on,” I say, coming to a stop in front of the locker room doors. I really wish I could, though, just to be able to ride my bike and feel the adrenaline running through my veins, but I promised Dion I would stay away from the track until after I get into WDA.

  “Please, I really need your help. Take pity on the new guy.” He pouts. He does look like a sad hound dog. Agh. Guys and their puppy dog eyes. I thought I was master of that look, but Luka beat me out of the park.

  “I’ll think about it, okay?” Just as I finish, Nolan comes out the doors. He comes straight at me and kisses me, leaving me completely stunned. We have never ever crossed that line at school or anywhere else publicly. What. The. Hell. I make to push him away when he stops. He gives me a hug and then moves me to the side to pass.

  “Needed that. Talk to you later, babe.” With that, he is gone through the gym doors. Huh. He has never done that. Maybe he didn’t see Luka and thought I was all alone. I’ll have to call him later. I glance at Luka who is looking at me with narrow eyes. I wonder what he is thinking; I did say Nolan was not my boyfriend.

  “Not your boyfriend, eh? Wonder what he would do if he was,” Luka says with just a hint of anger. I hope that is a rhetorical question, because I’m pretty sure I don’t know what I could answer without lying.

  “Whatever. I said I would think about it, so you can go now.” Once again, someone else comes out of the locker room.

  “Hey, sweet cheeks. Have you waited for me long?” Brain asks as soon as he sees me.

  “No.”

  “Good. You know I hate for my favorite girl to wait for too long,” he says as he hugs me to his side. Before I can reply with a snarky remark, he leans in and kisses me on my mouth. The same mouth Nolan just kissed not even a minute ago.

  Okay, now I know I’m in the twilight zone. They have never done this before. I don’t know what game they are playing, but they need to stop. I push back from Brian and take a step back.

  “What the fuck was that?” comes out of my mouth at the same time I hear a growl. I turn just in time to see Luka walking away, almost running out of there. Interesting, jealous maybe?

  “Sorry, I am just glad to see you,” he responds.

  “No, not buying that bunch of bull. First Nolan and now you, what kind of game are you guys playing? Do you know what will happen if anyone sees us or what they will think? Wait, someone did see. I am going to be labeled a slut on top of everything else. Do you guys even care?” I am beyond pissed. What will Luka think of me? I turn and walk off. I can’t even be in the same hallway as Br
ian and especially not in the confinements of his car. I’ll find some other way to get home.

  “Oh, come on Lola. Don’t be that way. Wait up,” I hear him call out behind me.

  “No!” I shout back at him. “I’ll walk if I have to, but I am not going home with you.”

  “Look, take my car home. I’ll wait for Nolan to finish with practice and hitch a ride with him or one of the other guys to your house later and I’ll pick up my car.”

  I stop just long enough for him to give me his keys. They took it too far today. They know how I hate when people talk about me. The lesbian rumors just died down. I don’t want to be a meal for the gossip hungry bitches at this school.

  I make it home and rush toward my bedroom, but not before leaving Brian’s car keys on top of the entry table. Once I reach my bedroom, I do something I have never done in my whole life; I lock my bedroom door and all my windows.

  I walk toward the shower and proceed to undress. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life. I might not like Luka much, but I know I have some kind of feelings for him. I just hope he doesn’t think anything bad about what he saw. Who am I kidding? Of course it was bad.

  My mind is on overdrive thinking about what the hell I just saw. Lola is full of surprises. Part of me wants to ask her about the situation but another wants to pretend it never happened. I don’t even know what to think. Shit, who am I to judge? As long as she can help me, I don’t fucking care who she’s with.

  “You gotta better your time, Luka. It’s just you and your bike out there. You gotta want it, feel it, and most of all yearn for it, so get out there and kill it!” Jack yells, hitting my shoulder.

  “I got it, I got it!” I kick start my bike and hit the first slope, flying over the top. I can feel the rush of the adrenaline flowing through me. This shit right here is what I live for. I’m a fucking junkie when it comes to the rush; I crave this shit every damn day. I just need to concentrate and make sure my bike doesn’t skid, because if it does that will cost me seconds on my time. I need to pick up my speed on the slopes so I can gain momentum. It can shave off seconds on my time. I complete a couple more slopes before I head toward the start and I see Uncle Jack signaling me to bring it in.

  “That was a great run, Luka! You just gotta work on perfecting your turns, take them short, son, and don’t go wide but damn you nailed it!” He pats my back.

  “Thanks Uncle Jack, that was easy,” I say, removing my helmet.

  “Don’t get too cocky son, that’s how it can all go to shit. You got to want it each time.”

  “There’s nothing I want more than this.” I have been wanting this for a long while now. I want this so bad I can almost taste it.

  “Good, now get your ass home and rest up. I want you here bright and early on Saturday.”

  “But it’s Tuesday. That means I’ll be off the track for three days?”

  “It will make you want it more,” he says before he turns and walks off.

  He might be right. It’ll be like the dirt craving the rain and once I get it, I’ll soak it all in. I lock up my bike and leave. It hurts my soul leaving my bike for so long. The last time we were apart it wasn’t by choice, it was during my move here. I guess this isn’t by choice either, but it’s gonna be fucking hard not being able to ride when it’s only a few miles away. Damn. I’m already craving the ride.

  The rain is hitting hard against my windshield and my wipers are going as fast as they can, but all I see ahead of me is the dark asphalt and red lights. I am trying to stay right behind them but it’s difficult to avoid the other cars when they only stop for the ambulance. I manage to stay as close as I can, but I come to a stop at a red light. I can feel my body trembling and the tears are falling so fast down my cheeks I can’t manage to wipe them.

  “Please God. Please,” I whisper to myself.

  The light turns green and my foot automatically floors it. I pull into the hospital and park my car in the first available spot. I jump out of my car and run into the emergency room. I look around but I don’t see any familiar faces. I look again but I don’t see him. I rush to the receptionist desk and bang on the desk.

  “Hello! Hello!” Oh God please let him be okay, please God. Please. I have been reciting those words since I saw him go down. When his listless body didn’t move, I knew in my heart something was wrong.

  “Yes ma’am, how can I help you?”

  “They just brought in my friend in the ambulance. His name is Nolan Davenport, I need to see him now,” I demand.

  “Ma’am, I’m sorry but only family is allowed and right now he is being examined by the doctors. You can take a seat and I can inform you as soon as he is moved to a room.”

  Tears are streaming down my face. It’s just then that I realize I left Brian at the football game. When the paramedics loaded Nolan in the ambulance, I rushed to my Jeep and made sure I stayed behind them. I hang my head and can’t help but cry some more. I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up and instantly stand up to hug Brian.

  “Baby, you’re soaked,” he says to me. I didn’t even realize I was wet; it was the last thing on my mind. The rain was coming down hard at the game and when Nolan got hit, I just stood there with no umbrella to shield me from it.

  “How did you get here?” I ask.

  “After they took Nolan, I looked for you and saw your Jeep tailing the ambulance, so I came with his parents.”

  “Sorry,”

  “It’s ok.” I lean into his shoulder and cry. His arms wrap around me and his embrace brings me comfort.

  I hear Nolan’s parents say they will come back to update us on his condition.

  “Lola, let’s go get you a dry set of clothes.”

  “No! I’m not leaving.” I begin to push him away and sit down on the chair.

  “Ok, ok, I just thought you’d want some dry clothes.”

  “No, what I want is for Nolan to be ok. That’s all I want.” Those last words come out sounding choked as I sob.

  Brian takes the seat next to me. “He will be ok baby.” I silently pray that he is. It seems like hours have passed and we haven’t heard a word. My eyes are heavy from crying and my neck is tense. My adrenaline has worn off because suddenly I feel my body heavy and tired. I lean into Brian’s shoulder and he rubs my back and sweeps my hair away from my face. He places a kiss on my forehead. I look up at him and I see his eyes are glazed over. He must be just as worried as I am.

  “Let me go check if they can give me an update on him.” Brian stands up and approaches the receptionist. They exchange a few words and then I see her get up from her chair and go toward the back. Brian turns and mouths that she is checking for him. He must have used his panty-dropping smile on her, which I must say, works like a charm. She comes back and says something to Brian. I can see her eyes light up as she talks to him. That son of a bitch. He knows how to work his looks to his advantage. He turns and heads back toward me.

  “What was that?” I ask.

  “What? I needed information and she gave it to me.”

  “So, how is he?” I ask worryingly.

  “They have already completed the MRI scan and he will be placed in a room soon.”

  “And?” That is not enough information. I need more than that.

  “And the doctor will be discussing his condition as soon as the results are in.”

  “Ugh, I need to see him.”

  As soon as the words are out, his parents come into the waiting room.

  “Hey you two, Nolan is being moved upstairs. You can come with us to wait in the waiting area there while they situate him in his room.”

  “How is he?” I ask, knowing that they probably don’t know any more than I do at this point, but I still have to ask in case they have more information than I do.

  “He’s conscious and alert, but he has weakness in his legs.” Mrs. Davenport starts to cry, which then makes me cry.

  My heart aches that much more to see a man I love hurt. At this poin
t, I don’t think I can bear to see him and not cry. My chest feels heavy and my legs are weak. I hear the elevator bell ding and the doors open. I walk on the linoleum floor into the waiting area. We all sit and wait to hear word on Nolan. The doctor soon walks in and asks for Nolan’s parents to follow him toward his room. I stand up and follow behind them.

  “Lola, wait here please. I promise I’ll be back and will tell you everything, I just need to talk to the doctor first so I can understand what’s going on,” Mrs. Davenport says. I stop walking and stay standing in the doorway. I see them stop in front of a room and talk. I see her bring her hands up to her mouth and hug Mr. Davenport. I don’t think it’s good but I shouldn’t speculate, it will only drive me insane. They all disappear into the room while I’m left wondering what the hell is going on.

  “Lola, sit down. She promised she would be back as soon as she knows. Now please sit.”

  “No, I don’t think it’s good Brian, so don’t tell me to sit down. I don’t want to sit down!” I pace back and forth from the doorway into the waiting room, biting on my nails. My eyes begin to water and I can’t help but think the worst. The what ifs are driving me crazy. What am I supposed to say to him? What if I can’t help but cry, what if I feel pity for him, what if he never walks again, what if he can never feel me again, what if! What if! No, no, no. Lola, don’t think the worst. But as much as I tell myself it’s going to be okay, the heaviness of the what ifs outweigh the positive. I’m at the point that I no longer want to be comforted. I don’t want Brian to tell me he’s going to be okay. I don’t want him to hug me, all I want is to see him and know for myself if he’s okay. I peek out of the door and see the Davenports coming our way. I don’t give them a chance to reach the waiting area; I rush out toward them.

  “Tell me, how is he?”

  “The doctor said he has an acute spinal cord injury caused by being tackled. His neck and back more than likely twisted to an extent that it caused bruising on his spinal cord. A neck and back brace was placed to prevent further injury, but the doctor did mention that it’s bruised on the lower region and the effect of that is the weakness he is experiencing in his legs.”