Dirty Chaos

by L. A. Corvill

  “Well fix it,”

  “No,” he says. He grabs my hand and leads me into the diner.

  He walks straight to an empty booth at the far end of the diner. I scoot into the booth, which is covered with red vinyl, and he sits across from me. The smell of the greased grill assaults my nose, triggering my mouth to water and my stomach to growl. He signals for the waitress.

  “Hi Luka, do you want your usual?” she asks, not bothering to acknowledge me.

  “Make it two all the way and throw in an order of onion rings,” he says.

  “Got it,” she walks away. I sit staring at him with my eyebrows raised.

  “So what’s the usual?” I ask, not sure what I will be consuming. Not that it matters at this point I’m so hungry I’ll eat anything.

  “You’ll see.”

  “Ok. I know you probably hear this a lot and the girls you take out probably aren’t really on one but say they are… anyway my point is, I’m on a diet,” I tell him.

  “Not tonight you’re not,” he smiles.

  A smile spreads across my face, not because I should or because I want him to think I’m pretty, but because he evokes that feeling inside me that naturally triggers me to smile. He’s about to reach out and take my hands in his but he retracts them when our food arrives.

  “Thanks, doll,” he tells her.

  “Enjoy,” she turns and walks away.

  “This, this right here, is the best damn burger ever made.” He takes the ketchup and squeezes some onto the red plastic basket lined with red and white checkered paper that’s under the fries. Then he moves over and squeezes some into the basket containing the onion rings.

  “This is carb overload, and that burger is artery clogging.” He takes a huge bite.

  “Mmmmm,” he says, looking at me enticingly. He washes it down with a vanilla shake.

  My mouth is watering with the smell of the food and I can no longer resist. I grab hold of the burger with both hands because it requires a two-handed grip and sink my teeth right into it. I close my eyes, savoring the flavor. My taste buds are bombarded with the deliciousness of this greased infused burger and I’m loving every chew. He slides my shake toward me signaling me to drink some; I comply without hesitation. I drink some and the saltiness combined with the sweetness of the shake makes my mouth water and crave more. It’s almost like my taste buds just had an orgasm, because my mouth can’t stop watering. I immediately take another bite, and another. Before I know it, the basket is empty and the only remnant left is a half- eaten slice of tomato.

  “So, I take it you loved it,” he says with wide eyes looking into my basket.

  “That was the best damn burger, ever.”

  “I know. Ready to get out of here?” He pulls out his wallet and puts money on the table. He scoots out of the booth and comes to me, holding out his hand. I take it and we walk out of the diner hand in hand. He unlocks the car and opens the door for me as I step in.

  “Thank you for dinner,” I say to him as he turns his car on.

  “Thank you for coming.” He looks right into my eyes with sincerity. He leans toward me. He places his hand on my chin and places a soft kiss on my lips.

  He puts the car in reverse and takes off. I don’t know where we are headed but I don’t really care, as long as I get more time with him. He pulls onto a dirt road that is lined with cars; a house is illuminated at the far end. I recognize this house; it belongs to a football player from school.

  “You’re taking me to a house party?” I ask, turning to look at him.

  “It’s more of a backyard get together.”

  “It’s a party,” I say curtly.

  “Well, there isn’t going to be cake or balloons, so it’s a get together,” he states. I’m a little irritated and I know it shows.

  “Lola, please come with me.” He gets out of his car and comes around to open the door.

  “Fine,” I agree because first of all, we are already here and second, I’m not ready to leave him.

  It’s crowded and I can hear the music playing. I see a lot of familiar faces and they all say hi, but I’m sure it’s directed more to Luka than to me. We walk around toward the backyard. The band is playing on a small wooden platform slightly lifted off the ground. They have stage lights and the music is blaring out of huge speakers situated on each side of the make shift stage. I’m not going to lie, I love this band, and their music is catchy. I see everyone sitting, talking, and dancing, and some are listening to the music. I don’t see one empty hand around; everyone is either holding a beer can or a red solo cup. He looks for a vacant spot and finds one toward the back near the bar, where they have someone preparing drinks. I feel uneasy being here because it’s not my usual scene.

  “The band is awesome, right?” I ask him.

  “Yeah, who are they?”

  “Mayberry. It’s a local band; I’m surprised you haven’t heard of them. Hector, the bass player, goes to school with us.” I see him nod his head.

  “The rest of the guys already graduated. Esteban is lead singer, Andrew plays the guitar, and Brayden is the one on drums.” I glance at each of the guys and just then the beat of one of my favorite songs, “Alone,” comes on. I find myself lip syncing to the song, too embarrassed to sing it out loud.

  They also play awesome cover songs, and some are better than the originals. I hear them say they are taking requests. I would love to hear their version of “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift or “Wanted” by Hunter Hayes, but I opt not to request either.

  I see Nolan at a distance. I begin to walk toward him and his facial expression stops me in my tracks; he’s not happy. He stomps toward me.

  “What the hell Lola? What are you doing here?” He’s yelling right at my face. He’s so close I can see his eyes are dilated. “All those fucking times Brian and I begged you, but you never came, and now you’re fucking that shit head and following him like a bitch. Our dick wasn’t enough.” He’s drunk. I repeat the words in my head repeatedly. Even so, my eyes are stinging and I feel the constant flow of tears escaping my eyes.

  “Back off asshole, or I will back you off,” Luka says sternly, stepping in between us. He’s shielding me from Nolan’s anger but I know Luka getting between us only worsens the situation.

  “Fuck you, asshole, Lola is ours and always will be.” Luka doesn’t give him a chance to finish; he’s on the floor before another word is out, and I see blood trickling down his nose.

  Everyone is staring and the music has stopped. All attention is on us. I turn my tear-streaked face and run to Luka’s car. Nolan’s words were harsh and even if he was drinking, he has never disrespected me until now. He literally stopped my heartbeat. It feels as if he reached right through my chest, grabbed my heart, and slowly squeezed it until it could no longer beat.

  My lungs are burning and my throat feels like it’s on fire from sprinting in the cold crisp air. I can’t seem to catch my breath, and I fall to the ground. My knees hit the dirt road and small sharp rocks feel like they slice through my jeans and right through my skin. I don’t even feel the pain; my heart hurts more than any superficial wound. It’s cold, but I can’t manage to wipe my tears nor shield my face from the harshness of the wind.

  “Lola!” I hear Luka running toward me.

  “Lola!” he calls out for me again, but he can’t see me. It’s dark and I’m still on my knees.He hears my sobs and picks me up off the ground. He opens the car door and helps me in.

  “Take me home.” The words are shaky and raspy.

  “Okay.”He grabs my hand and gently squeezes it.

  The ride home is quiet. He doesn’t ask if I am okay because he knows I’m not, and he doesn’t press for information about Nolan’s comments. He pulls into my driveway and I don’t wait for him to open my door. I step out of the car before he has a chance to come around.

  “Please, just leave.” I don’t turn to look at him.

  “No.”

  I reach my door and walk
inside; he walks in behind me. He scoops me up and I lean into his shoulder and cry some more.

  “Let me just help you clean your wounds and I’ll leave, I promise.” He places a kiss on my forehead and I can’t help but feel a sense of comfort in his arms.

  I can feel the time pass me by as I continue to bury myself under my covers. After last night, I have a headache as well as a heartache. My phone has been blowing up all morning; the only person I answered was Luka. He has been worried about me all day. However, I can’t fall out of this funk.

  Nolan was way out of line last night. It’s not so much where he said it, but what he said. How could he insult me? Now I know why I stay away from parties: nothing good ever comes out of them. Just drama.

  The door creaks open, and I barely open my eyes. I see Brian walk in with a coffee cup from my favorite coffee house in his hand.

  “I come bearing a gift, Lola. A cold chai latte.” I just turn over. “Want to wake up already and tell me what’s wrong? Why have you been ignoring my calls?” he asks as he sits on my bed and pulls the cover off my face.

  “Can you just leave me alone?” I say between my teeth.

  “Can you stop being a big baby?”

  “Look, it wasn’t just you. I am ignoring everyone today,” I say as I make a move to grab the blanket from his hands.

  “Liar. I have it on good authority you have not ignored a certain biker boy,” he says as he gets up, setting my coffee on the dresser.

  He walks toward the vanity and looks at the picture stuck to my mirror. “I thought your phone was broken because never in your life have you let one of my calls go unanswered. What’s going on?” He walks back toward the bed and takes a seat. I scoot into a sitting position, leaning into the headboard.

  I know he will never leave until we hash this out. Sometimes I hate his stubbornness when it comes to talking things out. This won’t be as easy as it was before; being with Luka has changed me in so many ways. Before it was just us three, but now Luka is a part of it. I know that if I had not stopped it, Luka and Nolan would have gotten into a fight, making all this even more complicated.

  I sigh as I look at Brian. Well, let’s get started. “What? Nolan hasn’t given you the play by play? Besides, where were you last night?”

  “Some things he can’t really remember. I was running late, Coach kept us late.”

  “Well, your friend was an ass.”

  “Isn’t he always?” he says, rolling his eyes like ‘what’s the big deal?’

  “Well, let me tell you, he made me feel cheap,” I whisper, trying to keep my emotions under control, especially my anger.

  “How?” he asks, looking uncomfortable.

  “Truth? We have been friends since our first breaths. I have competed with both of you since I opened my eyes as a baby. I have kept our relationship a secret from everyone because no matter what we tell each other, we know it’s wrong for me to sleep with both of you. It’s unhealthy for our hearts and our minds. When I heard Nolan practically calling me a slut, it undid me. I have to withstand name calling at school, but I never thought that I would have to hear it from my best friends, the ones that made a pact with me when we were five that stated that our bond was stronger than blood.”That thought saddens me the most. They were supposed to always defend me, to defend each other from every outside source of hurt, but we never thought about who was supposed to defend us from each other.

  “Nolan was drunk. He didn’t mean anything. Don’t take what he said to heart.” He stands up and paces around my bedroom. “He says anything that comes into his head before he thinks it through when he is sober, just think what he can say when he is drunk. You know him.”

  “Well, I thought I did,” I say as his phone beeps, alerting him of a message.

  “So, is this a bad time to tell you that Nolan is here and coming up? He was waiting downstairs but he got tired of waiting.”

  “Oh, hell no. He can’t come up.” As soon as I finish saying this, he walks into my room. I come off the bed like it’s on fire. “Get the fuck out, Nolan!” I yell, pointing my finger toward the door. “You are not welcome here.” I see him flinch, but he does not make a move to leave the room. I feel like I’m caged in my own bedroom. He doesn’t have the right to come in here and demand to be let in.

  “Lola, look, I’m sorry. I was a dipshit-”

  “Asshole,” I correct.

  “Okay. Asshole. I-” he corrects.

  I interrupt again. “Stop. I don’t want to hear your excuses, Nolan. You embarrassed me last night in front the whole school.”

  “It’s not like you care,” He says matter-of-factly.

  “You know what? Fuck you. Nothing gives you the right to treat me like shit. I would never have treated you like that, drunk or not,” I yell. I am getting madder by the second.

  Brian makes a move to come closer to me, but I hold up my hand to stop him. I don’t need his help, and besides, it’s not his embrace I crave this time.

  “We have told each other worse things than that over the years. You are just mad that your boy toy heard me,” he argues.

  “No, it is what you implied with the words you said. This has nothing to do with Luka, and we have talked about this before. This has everything to do with the fact that you insulted me and made it seem like you had a right to. Maybe going to a party was a bad idea, but I though you guys would be glad that I was finally going to a school party.” I get it, they are guys, and they will never see things my way, but they have to learn we are not five anymore. Also, I am a girl, even if everyone in this room forgets it from time to time; I get emotional about some things.

  “Look, Lola, again, I know that Nolan didn’t mean to hurt you by saying those things and yelling at you. Right, Nolan?” Brian is trying to mend us back, but I don’t think this time it is going to work.

  “I’m sorry, Brian. I know how bad you want to fix this, it’s in your nature, but this time Nolan went too far,” I say as I turn around and walk toward the window, waiting for them to leave.

  “I’m so used to you just shrugging off everything I have said to you before, but I see how much I have hurt you, and I’m sorry for that. If I could take it back I would, Lola.”

  “It’s so easy to say I’m sorry after those words have been uttered, but what happens to my feelings? Do I just bottle them up, and forget about them because you said you were sorry? That doesn’t change the hurt I feel.” I turn back around and face him. He looks as miserable as I feel. Good.

  “Guys, we have been through a lot together. I get it, Lola, that what he said hurt because it was coming from a person that you love.” Brian turns to face Nolan. “Nolan, we both know that this is coming from somewhere else. You are lashing out at her because you are jealous.”

  I look up at Nolan again. Wait, does he like love me, love me? Oh, this is going from bad to worse.

  “Not jealous like that Lola, I can see you freaking out. I’m jealous that you have someone outside of us to lean on, to try new things with. He is taking one of my best friends away. So yes, I’m hurt that he gets to get you to try new things, since we can’t anymore. So I lashed out, not thinking of how you would feel, just thinking of how I felt. That doesn’t excuse me but might help explain how I feel. You know that I’m not good with words.” He finishes and puts his hands inside his very tight jeans.

  I just don’t know what to say. If Abuela hadn’t left already to her adult daycare, I would’ve ask her. She is so good with this, dealing with boys.

  “Can I forgive you Nolan? I don’t know. I might need time. We are good for now, though. I just can’t be one of your best friends at this time,” I say as I walk around the bed and give him a hug so he can know I’m going to try. Brian joins us in a big hug. As we separate, Nolan moves to kiss my mouth, but at the last second, I turn my face, making his lips land on my cheek. Luka was the last person on my lips, and that’s the way I want it for now. I feel Nolan tense, but I still untangle myself from him a
nd walk back to my bed, falling back on it.

  “See? Things are changing; you don’t even want to let me kiss you. You are so cock-whipped that you are forgetting exactly what we are to each other.”

  “Nolan, don’t even go there,” I say, my anger already returning. “I’m trying to not be mad at you, but you keep opening your mouth.”

  “Whatever, Lola, I am not the one breaking the pact. You are the one bringing a fourth player into this relationship. How is he going to feel when he finds out that you are sleeping with us? Is he going to be okay sharing you with us?”

  “No, because he is not going to. The relationship we had stops today. We are not sleeping together again or kissing on the lips, ever. Can you guys respect that?” Brian nods. I turn to Nolan.

  “Fuck that, I have turned away pussy for you. I have always put you first, and now some stupid punk comes into the picture and you put him first.” He is yelling now.

  “Guys, calm down. Stop before you say something that you’ll regret,” Brian interjects.

  “No Brian, let him pour everything out. Let him say what he has to say.” I am not backing down.

  “You know what Lola, you are right. This relationship is so over. Maybe you felt bad about what I said because that is exactly how you see yourself. But hey, there’s pussy everywhere, right? Shit, if you found a new dick, so can we.”

  “Get the fuck out, you fucking asshole!” I yell at him. I can feel my blood boiling.

  “Whatever. I’m out.” He turns and walks away. I just stand here feeling like a bulldozer ran over my heart. Is he right?

  “No Lola, don’t think it,” Brian says as I look at him with confusion. “I can practically see the questions in your eyes. Remember, I know you too well. Don’t let Nolan’s comments put doubt in your mind.

  I didn’t think I was able to cry anymore, but I do for a friendship that could be over. I feel like I entered the twilight zone.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here in Brian’s arms, but the silence is killing me. I just want to forget about the scene that just happened.