Forbidden Attraction (Forbidden Trilogy)

by S. R. Watson

  “Siobhan. We need to talk, but not over the phone,” he growls.

  “What? You want to breakup with me in person? Well, fuck you!” I forcefully push end on my phone. This would be the one time I wish I had a regular phone to slam it in his fucking ear. My heart is being ripped in two. Why couldn’t he be honest with me? Why the fuck would he make all those ridiculous claims about being his, and had so much more that he wanted to show me and do to me? Why say he loves sleeping with me and then flaunt Vanessa in my face? He knows that is exactly what Liam did to me—flaunt my shortcomings and deficiencies in my face. Was I just some sort of joke for him after all? God, I hate him.

  Jordan must hear the commotion because she comes running into my room. “I’m so sorry Shiv. I knew this wouldn’t end well.”

  I’m not in the mood for I told you so. “I’m fine. Just go back to Trevor. I can’t take your lecture right now.”

  “YOU’RE RIGHT, SHIV. I’m not here to lecture you. I’ve already sent Trevor home. Please, just let me be here for you.” As I break down, she wraps her arms around me.

  “I love him, Jordan. I’ve never felt remotely close to this way for Liam. It hurts so bad,” I sob.

  “I know, Shiv. You’ll get through this. We’re going home in a week and I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”

  “Sad thing is I can’t even be mad at him. He told me in the beginning he didn’t want a relationship and what did I do? I went and fell in love with someone else who doesn’t want me.” I cry harder at my stupidity.

  “You guys still had an arrangement. He broke your trust by seeing Vanessa after saying you would be exclusive.” That much was true. He should have been a man and ended it last weekend.

  A bang on the door makes us both jump. “Do you think Trevor came back?”

  Jordan shakes her head no. “I told him I would call him later—you needed me.”

  The banging gets louder. “Siobhan, open the damn door!” It’s Grayson and he sounds pissed. He has no right. He’s the one who messed up.

  “Do you want me to get rid of him?” Jordan is irate. She just needs the green light to kick his ass.

  “No. Let him in. It’s time to put the nail in the coffin and end this once and for all.”

  I wait in my bedroom as Jordan lets Grayson in. I hear her spew expletives as he heads straight to my room. I wipe the remaining tears from my eyes, but the redness and snotty nose gives me away. He flinches at my obvious distress.

  He turns to Jordan with a look of disdain. “Leave us.”

  “Fuck you, asshole. This is our condo—”

  I cut her off. “Jordan, it’s okay. I need to face this alone.”

  She throws her hands up in defeat. “Fine, but I’ll be in the next room if you change your mind.” She stomps out of the room like a petulant child.

  Grayson turns to me in frustration. “Do you want to tell me what that little performance on the phone was all about?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I pick up the entertainment section of the paper and throw it at his head. “We had an agreement. We were supposed to be exclusive, remember? You could’ve had the decency to end things with me this week before getting back with Vanessa. Instead you’re a fucking coward who chose to ignore me.”

  “Are you finished accusing me of shit?” He waits for my reply. I don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. “I’m not back with Vanessa nor am I fucking her. We went to a goddamn gala together like we do every year. It’s not about us. It’s about autism. Her seven-year-old brother suffers from it. This is something that’s important to us both. We raise money every year to help fund different projects whose sole focus is autism. The pictures in the paper are misleading.”

  “So her kissing you on the cheek and being at home with you when I called is what? Misleading too?” He’s hiding something. I appreciate his involvement with autism, but why the avoidance this week? “Why couldn’t you just tell me you were going to this gala with her? Why avoid me all week?”

  “Okay, I admit I should have told you, but this is exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid. This kiss was a ploy for the paper, hence the cheek rather than the mouth. She knows I don’t kiss. I already reprimanded her for that stunt. My guess is she wanted you to see it and stir up this very reaction. She thinks you’re bad for me. As far as her being as my place this morning, she was there with our fathers to strategize a business brunch for tomorrow. It is a follow-up meeting from Thursday. This is why I told you I’d be busy all weekend.” He lets out a long cleansing breath. I know whatever is coming is going to be bad. “Siobhan, I’ve been sensing you’re changing the rules of our initial agreement, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Your bouts of jealousy should’ve been the first clue I needed to end this. After our night together last Saturday, I regretted it. Only because I think I went too far. The whole scene was romantic. I wanted to give you a taste of the fairy tale. I couldn’t see I was the one muddling the waters, or shall I say blurring the lines? I’m so sorry, Siobhan. I think we should end this now. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Stop while we’re ahead, right?” My sarcastic tone doesn’t get by him.

  “Yes, something like that. I needed time to think this week, but I think it’s for the best. I was planning to come and see you. I wasn’t going to end things without an explanation. Regardless of what you think, I’m not a coward.”

  “I’m glad you’re able to get all that off your chest. Clear your conscience, per se. No hard feelings, Grayson. Now that the novelty of this forbidden attraction has run its course, you’re free to move onto your next arrangement, or one-night stand. It’s not your fault I was a dumb-ass and let myself fall in love with you. You were upfront on what you were offering from the beginning.” Grayson is frozen in place. His eyes are wide and his breath hitches.

  “You’re not in love with me. You just think you are. I’m so different from any man you have ever known. I’m the rebound guy, remember? You don’t fall in love with the rebound guy.”

  “Fuck you, Grayson. Get the hell out of my house,” I scream.

  “I really am sorry, Siobhan, and I promise I was never unfaithful, even though we were never in a relationship.” His remorse is evident. I believe him, but it doesn’t matter. He has annihilated my heart. And just as I thought, it’s so much worse than when Liam broke my heart. I gave him that power even though he didn’t want it. How can he not feel anything? I didn’t go into this arrangement with the intent on falling for him, yet I was helpless in the outcome. My heart didn’t give two shits about what either of us wanted. He made me love him and now I’m one of many, just as Vanessa predicted.

  “Please leave, Grayson.” The tears begin to trickle down my face, and this time I don’t attempt to stop them.

  “Siobhan, I’m so sorry. This is who I am. I ... ” He doesn’t finish his sentence. He turns on his heel and leaves. The absence of his endearment crushes my already shredded heart. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to blur the lines yet we had done so almost from the beginning. We shared so many firsts it was impossible to stay objective to what was supposed to be happening between us.

  Jordan enters the room and lifts me up from the floor. She pulls my covers back and helps me into bed. “Shiv. It’s going to be okay. I know it hurts right now, but once we get home, you’ll be surrounded by people who love you. You’ll get through this, and I’ll be right by your side.”

  I know she means well. As always, she has my back, but I can’t fathom how I’m going to recover from this. Grayson owns my heart completely. More than Liam had ever hoped to. “Thank you Jordan. I appreciate you looking out for me, but right now I need some time alone.”

  “I’m not leaving you alone while you’re hurting, to sink further into self-destruction.”

  “Please, Jor. I’m not asking. I need some time to myself to process the finality of Grayson. I need to snap out of this funk on my own.”

  “Okay, Shiv. I’ll let you
be for now, but know that you’re never alone.” Jordan wipes the moisture from her eyes. I know it’s hard for her to see me so broken.

  For the remainder of the day, I study for my finals. I listen to Snow Patrol’s What If This Storm Ends as a reminder of the old adage “And this too shall pass.” My focus is shit so I decide to allow alcohol to provide some comfort.

  I peek my head out my bedroom and see that the coast is clear. I can’t face Jordan right now. If I have to see pity in her eyes right now, I’ll break down again. I tiptoe to the kitchen and grab a bottle of pinot grigio and a wine glass. I forego the tequila. A couple shots of that stuff and there is no way in hell I’ll get any studying done. I go back to my room unnoticed. I know Jordan is still here. I saw the light beneath her door. I’m glad she’s respecting my wishes for space.

  I pour myself a glass of wine and let the dry fruity flavor take me a step closer to indifference. It’s not the good stuff Grayson introduced me to, but it’ll do. After a few glasses, it’s done its job. I have a nice buzz and I can study. The words on the pages of the textbook blend with my music playlist as I tune out my non-existent love life.

  MY PHONE SHRILLS somewhere on the floor and I’m tempted to just let ring. If it weren’t for the annoyance of it, I’d do just that. Begrudgingly, I get out of the bed to answer it. Last night I had another date with wine and my textbooks. If this whopping headache were anything to go by, I overindulged just a tad.

  “Hello.” Damn I forgot to look at the caller ID.

  “Shiv. Hey, it’s me. I’m here at the library and was wondering if you were on your way here?” Crap. I forgot I agreed to study with Liam. I look at the time and see that it’s nearly noon.

  “Um, yeah. Give me an hour.”

  “Okay. See you soon.”

  I freshen up before throwing on a pair of skinny jeans, a tee, and sneakers. I pull my hair into a messy bun and head to the kitchen. Jordan is perched on a stool at the counter.

  “Where are you headed?”

  “Library. Want to come?” I feel bad for avoiding her the last two days, but she’s known me long enough to know when to back off. I pull a K-cup from the cartridge holder on the counter and put it into the Keurig. I grab a bagel and banana to go with my coffee.

  “Sure. Are you feeling better?” She eyes me suspiciously, looking for any signs of deception.

  “More like numb, but it’s better than the alternative.” I take a sip of my coffee and ignore her sympathetic glance. “Go get ready. I told Liam I’d meet him within the hour.”

  “Why are you meeting that asshat?” I think my creative expletives are rubbing off on her.

  “I agreed to study with him last week. Don’t worry, I’m not backsliding into the past. We’re strictly working to rebuild our friendship,” I reassure her.

  “That’s more than he deserves, but whatever,” she huffs.

  “Be nice. I’m over him even without greener pastures,” I snicker. My ability to make a joke at my own expense is a baby step in the right direction.

  “I’ll play nice for your benefit, but know I really want to rip his balls off and feed them to him. He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.” We both crack up over the visual.

  “My ability to befriend him shows I’m truly over him in a romantic sense. I need him come to terms with this so he can move on as well.” And believe me, the irony is not lost on me.

  “You’re better than me, Shiv. I would make him suffer,” she smiles at her own vindictiveness. She’s talking out of anger; it’s not in her nature to be cruel.

  When we arrive at the library, Liam’s jaw ticks, seeing Jordan. He either wanted to be alone with me or he’s bracing himself for a verbal attack. He and Jordan haven’t spoken since we broke up.

  “Hey, Shiv. Jordan.” They exchange awkward glances and simply nod at one another.

  “Hey.” I give him a quick hug to break the tension.

  We spread our books on the table and immediately outline how we’re going to break up the chapters. Jordan arranges her notes from her classes and begins her own study session. We continue in this manner for a few hours before my stomach signals I need sustenance.

  “You guys want to get a bite to eat?” Liam chuckles.

  “You heard that, huh?” I look at Jordan and she’s smiling.

  “I think the whole library heard your stomach, Shiv.”

  “Fine, let’s get a bite to eat.” Jordan and Liam begin packing up their books and it’s almost like old times. Almost. We used to hang out together all the time.

  The smell wafting from The Lab makes me salivate. I love this place. Jordan and I order the vegetable quesadillas while Liam orders The Lab burger. I’m elated that Jordan is actually playing nice.

  “So when are you ladies heading home for the break?”

  “We’re leaving Monday. What about you? Any more games before you leave?” This is going to be the first year that we don’t ride home together.

  “Nah. We played our last game for now. We’re playing in the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl, but that’s toward the end of December. I’m flying home for a week this Wednesday after my last final. After that, I’ll return to get ready for the Vegas Bowl.”

  We make small talk about our Christmas plans and what we’re planning to do during the break.

  We’re laughing and having such a good time I don’t think of Grayson. Much. After lunch we study for a couple more hours before calling it quits. Jordan and I head home alone with the intention of ordering cheese pizza later. We decide to have one last Nikita marathon. Margarita Monday will resume next semester since our other friends are either studying or preparing to leave for the break.

  “You know we could have had our own margarita Monday with just the two of us,” I suggest.

  “Nah. Pizza and wine is good. I need to get up early for a final tomorrow and I don’t want to be hung over. Oh, but I forgot to mention Bailey finally closed on her condo. She’s moving in this Wednesday and wants to have a housewarming party on Friday before everyone goes their separate ways.”

  “Will my two least-favorite people be there because I’m trying to avoid them both at all cost?” I can’t deal with those two right now.

  “I’m sure at some point they will show up, but that’ll be our cue to leave.” The look of pity has settled back on her face and I hate it.

  “We’ll see. I’ll let you know how I feel on Friday.”

  “Fine. Let’s watch Nikita kick some ass.”

  We order our cheese pizza and drink wine until my eyes struggle to stay open. As I head to bed, I give myself a mental pat on the back for not shedding any tears over Grayson today.

  THE SUNLIGHT FILTERS through my blinds and with it comes a sense of freedom. I’m done with all my finals and confident that I did well. I’m thankful that Grayson let Donovan proctor the final exam so I didn’t have to see him. I’m officially no longer his student. I’m content to lie in bed a while longer since I have nothing to do and nowhere to be.

  “Morning, Shiv.” Jordan comes in and plops on my bed. I swear she has a sixth sense or something. How did she know I was awake? “Morning crazy person. How did you know I was awake? I may have planned to sleep in.”

  “Lucky guess. If you weren’t up, I was planning to wake you anyway, lazy bones,” she chortles while pulling on my arm. “Come on, get up.”

  “No. Why? I’m having a designated lazy day.” Jordan rolls her eyes at my refusal to get up.

  “Bailey moved into her place yesterday. I’m helping her decorate and get ready for the housewarming tomorrow.” Did I mention those two fashionistas like anything to do with decor as well as fashion? I am so not going there with them.

  “No thanks. I’m probably going to make some soap batches when I do get up.” That gets her attention.

  “Okay fine. I agree. You should totally make some soap today. I would like to put my request in for bergamot grapefruit.” It’s her second favorite behind the chocolate mint.
r />   “Okay, but you can’t keep the whole loaf. You know I give out these soap bars as Christmas presents.”

  She sticks her tongue out at me. “Boo to that. Well, I’ll settle for half a loaf.”

  “You’re insufferable. I’ll see what I can do. Now get out of here so I can try to finish sleeping in,” I giggle. She tosses the pillow at my head before making her exit.

  I sleep till one in the afternoon before I finally drag myself to the shower. Today is a yoga pants and tank day. I crank the music up on my iHome docking station and set my phone to the Red Hot Chili Peppers station on Pandora.

  I gather my soap supplies and organize them on the counter as the song Outside blares through the speakers. My mind temporarily falls to Grayson as I remember he wanted me to show him how I make soap. I miss him so much: his romantic gestures, how sexy he made me feel, how time seemed to stand still with him, his ability to help me get over Liam, and definitely the awesome sex. Just thinking about it, I’m proud of my ability to keep my tears in check. I let my two favorite past times, soap making and music, take my attention away from circumstances beyond my control. Unrequited love is a bitch. The person who said “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Love is a myth that hopeful fools chase, only to be slapped with disappointment when they realize it doesn’t actually exist—similar to the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and other mystical creatures our parents lie to us about.

  I’m done playing the damn fool. Grayson may be on to something with the whole one-night stand thing. Huh. Maybe I’ll figure out my own arrangement timetable where I end it before things get too involved. Right now is too soon though. All men pretty much suck ass and I’ll do well to invest in a battery-operated boyfriend until I let the male species back into my good graces. My ringing phone pulls me out of my man hating reverie. Like a fool, I forget to check the caller ID again.