When he straightened, Isaac just stared down at Newt for the longest time. I instinctively put my arm around Isaac’s waist and drew him back against me. The fact that he leaned into me pretty much right away was proof of how far gone he was.
“He’s okay,” I reminded Isaac when I felt his body begin to shake.
Isaac nodded and held there for a moment. Then a harsh, agonized cry bubbled up from his throat. He slapped his hand over his mouth to try and stop the sound, but it escaped anyway. It wasn’t loud enough to wake Newt, but I knew that wasn’t why Isaac had tried to hide it.
“It’s okay, Isaac,” I said as I nuzzled the back of his neck. He’d gone stiff in my hold as soon as the strangled sound had erupted from his throat, but when I wrapped my other arm around his upper chest, another muffled sob broke loose. I dropped my mouth next to his ear and whispered, “I’ve got you, baby. Just let go.”
I wasn’t sure if it was the endearment or my hold or him just being too exhausted to do otherwise, but whatever it was, he broke in the most heartbreaking of ways. He let out another painful-sounding sob, then turned in my arms and pushed against my chest. I held him tight as he cried against my chest. I placed my hand against the back of his head and just held him like that as he clung to me. His fingers were curled into the fabric of my shirt along my waist, but the longer I held him, the more he began to relax as his cries started to ease. His arms drifted to my back and then it was just him hanging onto me as the fight seemed to leave him completely.
“Why don’t you go lie down in Dallas and Nolan’s bed for a bit?” I suggested.
“Can’t leave him,” Isaac whispered.
“We’ll all take turns sitting with him,” I said. “I’m sure Dallas and Nolan are freaking out downstairs with not being able to do anything.”
Isaac hesitated, then nodded against me. I took him by the hand and led him from the room, leaving the door open so we’d hear Newt if he cried out or if Loki needed to get out of the room to find someone if Newt had another seizure.
I knew Dallas and Nolan wouldn’t mind if Isaac used their bed to lie down for a bit, so I didn’t ask them first. I led him into the room and pulled back the covers, then had him stand by the bed. He was so exhausted, he barely seemed aware of me or anything else.
“What happened here?” I asked as I skimmed my fingers over his temple, then his cheek. He seemed confused at first, but when I touched one of the marks, he winced and said, “Nothing. I fell.”
I was inclined to believe him until I reached for the hem of his shirt and helped him get it off his body.
That was when I saw some light bruising around his throat.
“Isaac, what happened?” I asked, barely keeping the rage out of my voice.
To my surprise, Isaac dropped his forehead to my chest. “So tired, Maddox,” he said softly. “Please, I’m just so tired.”
I managed to stifle my need for answers and brought my hand up to caress the back of his neck. “Okay, I’m sorry.”
He sighed, then straightened and started to sit down. “Wait, let me get these off,” I said as I motioned to his jeans. “They’re really wet.”
He didn’t argue with me, so I reached for the snap and then the zipper. I’d managed to get the pants open and was just sliding them down when Isaac suddenly cried out, “No, wait!” His hand shot out to capture my wrist, but he was too late.
I froze at the sight of the bright white, lacy material covering the part of his upper groin I could see. It tapered to a narrower strip of fabric that was more sheer and rode high on his hip. Isaac frantically tried to pull his jeans back up, but it didn’t matter. I already knew what I’d seen, even if I couldn’t make sense of it.
He was wearing women’s underwear.
Even if I could have somehow mentally tried to convince myself they were a feminine version of men’s underwear, his reaction to my discovery was enough to tell me I was right and that there was nothing else the scrap of material could be other than panties.
“Oh God,” Isaac cried, then he ripped my hand from his jeans and yanked them up. He took off out of the room before I could stop him, even though I was too shell-shocked to even consider doing so.
Chapter Twelve
Isaac
So is this how it’s going to be?” I snapped the second I stepped into the electrical room in the small animal building and my eyes searched out Maddox. He was leaning over some kind of piece of equipment that I knew had something to do with the automatic waterers that each habitat included. “I’m not a freak, you know!” I practically yelled.
Maddox straightened and eyed me but didn’t say anything.
Which only served to piss me off even more.
It’d been two days since he’d discovered my secret.
Two whole days.
And he hadn’t said even one single word to me about it. He hadn’t said even one single word to me at all.
He’d talked to Newt a few times when he’d stopped by the house to check on him the day following the seizure, and he’d said hello in passing to Sawyer and made conversation with Nolan and Dallas.
But me…
He’d ignored me like I… like I didn’t even exist anymore.
“It’s totally normal!” I spit out. “A lot of guys do it. Straight ones and gay ones,” I insisted. Some of my fire began to die off the more Maddox stared at me. But the humiliation made it impossible for me to keep my mouth shut. “And it’s not like you had any right to find out like you did… or at all!” My throat closed up when he suddenly began walking toward me. To my horror, I started backing up at the same time, but I couldn’t stop talking.
“You’re just embarrassed,” I insisted. “You kissed a guy and you liked it and you can’t deny it and now you find out he… he…”
Jesus, what the hell was happening to me? I’d come down here full of righteous indignation and with a plan to rip him a new one, but one look at his hard eyes and tight jaw and I was a blubbering mess.
Where was the man who’d spoken so sweetly to Newt? Where was the guy who’d held me in his arms and called me baby and taken care of me? And why the hell had I let that happen? Why had I let myself believe he’d be different? And why in the name of all that was good and holy hadn’t I remembered I was wearing the underwear until it was too damn late? I never, ever wore them when there was even the smallest chance my secret could be discovered, choosing instead to wear them in private and only for short stints at a time–long enough to get what I needed out of them. But I’d needed the security and confidence the pretty underwear never failed to bring me after the devastating kiss Maddox had laid on me the night before, so I’d worn them despite the risk.
“You’re the one with the problem,” I yelled, even as my voice broke a bit. “You’re so narrow-minded and uptight and controlling—”
I stopped talking when my back hit the wall behind me. Maddox kept coming at me. He had some kind of tool in his hand. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but the shame and humiliation were like a raw nerve flayed open wide somewhere deep inside me and my instinct to keep attacking would not be quelled, even if my brain was screaming at me to shut the hell up.
“I didn’t ask for your help that day and I don’t need it! Newt and I are fine, we’re… we’re…”
Jesus, why couldn’t I even get the word out?
Maddox’s chest brushed mine just as I managed to whisper “fine.”
“Are you finished?” he asked, his voice obscenely calm.
I wanted to hit him.
He’d reduced me to a quivering mess and he was acting like I was just a kid throwing a temper tantrum. He had no clue what he’d done to me.
And it had all started in that fucking motel room when he’d asked me to put on my lip gloss.
I didn’t answer him. Instead, I tried to duck out from between him and the wall, but his arm shot out to stop me. His palm slapped against the wall next to my head. I closed my eyes.
“Open them,” Mad
dox ordered, his voice hard and unyielding. I was helpless to do anything but obey, and I kind of hated him for that.
I made myself look into his eyes, even though all I wanted to do was look at the floor.
No one, not one person, knew about me what he did. I’d had one thing left in my life that had well and truly been mine, and he’d taken that from me.
And now it was like I was mourning its loss.
“Are you finished?” Maddox repeated.
I was at the point that I wanted to beg him to let me go, to give me back the scrap of dignity I’d stupidly thrown away by confronting him. But before I could say anything, his mouth was on mine. I gasped in surprise and he quickly took complete possession of my mouth. I was breathless by the time he pulled back.
“Are you wearing them now?” Maddox asked, his mouth practically brushing mine as he spoke.
“Wha… what?” I croaked.
“Are you wearing the same ones or ones like them?” he asked. His eyes actually dropped to my groin. Heat sizzled beneath my skin as my dick responded to the question. He kissed me again until I felt too dazed from the sheer pleasure of it all to even consider my words.
“No… I… no, I don’t… what?” I whispered, completely confused.
This time I was kissing him because kissing him was so much better than trying to form actual sentences. I felt his hand slide down to my ass and then he was pulling me forward against him, his big hand splayed over my backside.
“I don’t think you’re a freak,” he said softly against my mouth. “I think you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He nibbled at my lip piercing before settling his mouth on mine once more.
By the time he let me come up for air, I was dizzy from the pleasure of it all. At some point I’d moved my hands up to his shoulders. I threaded my fingers through his short hair. There wasn’t enough of it to tug on to force his head back down, but it wasn’t really necessary. The slightest bit of pressure against his scalp had him leaning down to kiss me again.
It could have been minutes, hours, or days when he finally released my mouth.
But not me.
His hand wasn’t on my ass anymore, but it was resting on the small of my back. His other hand was still against the wall and he was resting his forehead against mine.
“Are you gay?” I asked.
“No idea,” he responded.
I let out a dry laugh and said, “It’s not a trick question.”
“Does it matter?” he asked with a sigh.
“Um, yeah, it kind of does.”
“Why?”
“Because…”
Yeah, that was all I had. Because.
“Tell you what,” Maddox murmured against my mouth before brushing a kiss over my lips. “You tell me what I am, okay?” Before I could respond, he cut me off with another kiss, then said, “You’re not the first guy I’ve kissed. And I’ve kissed plenty of women too.”
My interest in the conversation went south quickly at that point, because I definitely did not like hearing about the other people he’d kissed. He must have sensed my imminent protest, because he kissed me again. He kept at it until I was basically jelly in his arms. Only then did he continue.
“But you’re the only person I’ve never wanted to stop kissing. You’re the only one who keeps me awake at night as I imagine what it would be like to be inside you. You. Not Isaac the man or Isaac with the makeup or Isaac, the guy who wears women’s underwear. Just you.”
This time when he kissed me, I let out a little whimper because I was still reeling from his words. He ripped his mouth free of mine and ground out, “I want to punch Sawyer every time he looks at you. I want to hunt down whoever put those bruises on your throat and the marks on your face. I want to never see the fear I saw in your eyes the day the sheriff showed up here and you thought he was here for you and Newt. I never want to see another tear roll down your cheek for as long as I live, and I want to kill any man who thinks it’s okay to use you and throw you away like you’re nothing. And I want to know how the fuck it’s possible to feel so much in so little time. So tell me, Isaac, what does that make me? Gay? Straight? Bi?”
I could barely breathe as he held my gaze for a moment, then released me. I felt the loss almost immediately.
“Isaac, you in here?” I heard Nolan call before I could respond to Maddox or beg him to take me back into his arms.
“Yeah,” I somehow managed to get out. “Is Newt okay?” I asked.
“He’s fine,” Nolan said. When he came around the corner, his eyes shifted between me and Maddox and I could tell he knew something was up. “Everything okay here?” he asked.
I swallowed hard and nodded. “Just clearing the air,” I murmured. “We’re good.”
I risked a glance at Maddox and saw him watching me. He looked agitated and I wondered if it was because of what I’d said about clearing the air.
“Yeah, we’re good,” Maddox muttered, then he went back to the electrical room.
I forced myself to look at Nolan. He and Dallas had been incredible in helping me watch out for Newt these past two days. Even though Newt was fully recovered from his seizure, I’d still made him stay in the house and rest. But most of that had been because I was terrified of what would happen if he had another seizure while outside. We’d gotten incredibly lucky that he’d been found so quickly and that he hadn’t hurt himself when the seizure had hit. It’d been a long time since the last seizure and deep down I’d thought that meant he’d been cured of them, so I was nursing the disappointment that came along with knowing he wasn’t. And I was projecting that onto him.
Not to mention I’d been a complete mess because of everything that had happened with Maddox.
Of course, none of that had changed.
Well, not in a helpful way, anyway.
I was more confused than ever about what was happening between us.
“What’s up?” I said to Nolan.
“Oh, I’m having problems with that spreadsheet. It won’t open and I know it’s because I’m doing something wrong.”
“Okay, yeah, I’ll take a look,” I said. “No problem.” I told myself not to look back toward the electrical room as Nolan and I walked toward the exit, but I did anyway.
Just as I’d expected, the doorway was empty. And despite telling myself I was glad about that, I still couldn’t ignore the pang of disappointment that went through me.
And stayed with me for the rest of the day.
Chapter Thirteen
Maddox
It was nearly three days before I saw Isaac again, and when I did, it wasn’t by choice. I’d spent the better part of those days ripping down the old shed, which had kept me on the back part of the property where there was little around. Dallas had started helping me on the second day and while we hadn’t talked much–which wouldn’t have been easy to do so anyway, since Dallas was still following doctor’s orders not to try using his voice yet–we’d still managed to find a certain rhythm that had felt like its own form of communication. The fact that he’d even taken the time to work with me when he could have been doing other things around the sanctuary had been the one bright spot in my existence.
The rest was all just a dark, jumbled mess of shit.
Between Isaac and Jett, I was a roiling mass of uncertainty that no amount of walking would alleviate. With Jett, it was the same situation–he was refusing to talk to me beyond a few words telling me he was fine when he was clearly anything but. My fear for his mental health was starting to ratchet up. On the one hand, I knew it was normal for him to mourn the loss of his old life, but on the other, I’d nearly lost him once to his own demons and I was terrified that there’d be a day where his obligation to his grandmother wouldn’t be enough and he’d finish what he’d started. But I also wasn’t sure that going down there was the answer. Maybe seeing me would push him over that same edge. He’d told me many times he didn’t blame me for what had happened, but I knew that couldn�
�t be one hundred percent true.
I’d been in charge that day.
I’d made the decision that had led to him losing his legs and nine other men losing their lives.
It would be too much to expect that he’d ever forgive me for that.
I’d never forgive myself for that.
But as bad as things were with Jett, Isaac was the one who consumed most of my thoughts.
I’d clearly scared him by telling him so much about what he made me feel. I didn’t even know the man who’d said all that shit because I wasn’t that guy. I didn’t talk about my feelings. I didn’t do relationships and emotions. If I felt the need to give in to my body’s desires, I took care of it and then moved on.
But none of those rules seemed to apply to Isaac.
I’d already gotten past the fact that he was a guy. Maybe it was so easy because of the more intense emotions he stirred in me that went way past desire. Or maybe because I’d always been someone who dealt with a situation head-on and then moved forward. I didn’t ruminate or wonder or waffle back and forth. I saw something, I made a decision about it, and I moved on to the next thing.
So being attracted to a guy was kind of easy in that sense. My dick responded whenever I was around Isaac and I accepted what that meant.
But the emotional shit…
That was a whole other ballgame.
I may have stuck to my routine of saying what I thought when I’d spit out all that stuff about how he made me feel, but now what the hell was I supposed to do? Straight, gay, or bi… didn’t matter. I needed the damn handbook that told you how to deal with the stuff that came in addition to attraction and desire.
Sanctuary Found_Pelican Bay [Book 2] Page 15
