Arousing Her

by Tia Siren

  "Listen, Kate," I said walking toward her. When I reached her, I took her hand, kissing the back of it. She didn't pull it away, but I could feel her clam up. "You know I love you, right?"

  She hesitated for just a moment, but to me, it felt like minutes. "Yeah," she finally said.

  "And I've been thinking for a while now, like I said, this apartment isn't good enough for you. Not even close. And we spend so much time together any way that it doesn't make sense for you to live here. I think that you should move in with me. What do you say?"

  I had caught her off guard, which was exactly what I wanted. Her first dropped in shock as she studied my expression, trying to see if I was being serious. "Are you really asking me that?" she asked.

  "Of course. I want to spend forever with you Kate. You need to know that. Why not start forever today?"

  For a moment there, I actually thought that I had her. I thought for the barest of seconds that I could feel her heart thawing, and she might have begun to remember why it was that we were together in the first place. But if that did happen, it was only for a second.

  "No," she suddenly said, pulling her hand from mine. "I can't do this. Not anymore."

  "Do what?" I asked, wondering to myself at what point was it that I was going to admit everything. Was I just making it worse? Was it a hole that I couldn't possibly see my way out of anymore?

  "Don't,” she said, shaking her head vehemently. “Don't act like you don't know, you son of a bitch." Her voice was shaking, as was her whole body.

  She wasn't mad, I could tell that much. She was just upset. Destroyed might have been a better way of describing it. She looked weak in a way I had never seen her. It broke my heart.

  I realized then that the jig was up. There was no use pretending anymore."I never meant for it to go this far," I said with a sigh, dropping my shoulders at the same time. "I never meant to hurt you."

  "You never meant to hurt me? Then what did you mean to happen? Tell me! Please! What did you expect?”

  "I meant to show you how much I loved you," I said. She’d been raising her voice, but I tried to keep mine even. "I meant to show you that breaking up with you the first time was the biggest mistake I had ever made."

  "How? By tricking me? By making me look like an idiot!"

  Despite my best attempts to stay calm, she was having none of it. Her voice was well and truly raised, and she still shook, but from anger.

  "No, not by tricking you. That was never the point. That day you came in, I had no idea at first that you had no memory. I was going to apologize to you, the actual you and—"

  "So, this isn't the real me then? Or this is the real me, and that girl you were sleeping with was just some pawn?!"

  "What? No! Listen, please!" She took a step back, and I took one forward. As I did, she looked away, as if the very sight of me might burn her eyes. "I just wanted to show you that I had changed. I had no idea we would become so serious. I thought your memory would come back earlier, and then..."

  "And then I'd forgive you, and we'd fall in love for real? Is that what you wanted? Or did you actually hope that it would never come back and we would live the rest of our lives as a lie?"

  "No. I always wanted your memory to come back."

  "Then why didn't you tell me sooner? Why did you wait? Tell me that."

  I had no answer. No matter what way I spun it, I was in the wrong. There was no way around it. I had lied and cheated and taken advantage of her.

  "I want you to leave," she said, her voice dropped. The anger was gone. Now it was full of disgust.

  "Kate, please..."

  "Seriously, leave or I will call the police," she said, pointing toward the door.

  I hung my head, knowing that anything I did or said would only make it worse. As I reached the door I paused, turning back to say one final thing. "I do love you, Kate. And although what I did was wrong, I don't regret it. If I hadn't done it, then I wouldn't have gotten to meet you again. I wouldn't have fallen in love with you all over again. For that, I won't say sorry."

  And then I was gone.

  The walk back to my car was the longest walk of my life. The whole way, I half expected her to come running out, screaming for me to stop. I expected to turn and for her to throw herself in my arms and tell me that she forgave me. But that never happened. I could only drag my feet for so long until I was finally at my car.

  As I climbed in the front seat, I was forced to face the harsh reality that I had ruined everything. Kate would most likely never talk to me again. And the worst part was that I didn't blame her. I didn't deserve someone as special as Kate.

  CHAPTER 26

  KATE

  Nothing was the same anymore. Everything was either tainted by the new memories I had of Liam or the old ones I had of my life before the amnesia.

  Now that I was able to remember who I was and how I had gotten to be where I was, everything just seemed more real. Before, when I had no memory, I could tell myself that I had just fallen into a slump and all I needed to do was pull myself out of it. But now that I knew how I had fallen into the slump, and what I had already tried to get out of it, I wasn't so sure it was possible.

  For example, my shitty apartment that I was convinced I would be seeing the tail end of once the lease ran out, felt more like home than it ever had. But that was only because I could remember living there for over eight months. I had thought over one hundred times about moving out but was never able.

  And my writing. I hadn't written anything for three months before the accident. Every time I had sat down at my laptop, words had totally eluded me. I had all but given up on writing and settled into my terrible life.

  The worst thing too was that I was totally prepared to move on. With no memory of any of that, I had a sense of confidence and assurance in my own ability that I no longer possessed. All my old fears and reservations had come pouring back into my head, and they weren't going anywhere.

  And then there was Liam.

  After he left my apartment, I cried all night long. I didn't sink into a bottle of vodka or put on a romantic movie to try and distract myself. Instead, I let the tears flow.

  I didn't know what I hated more, the fact that I despised him so much for what he did, or the fact that I still loved him with all of my heart. It was crazy, and I knew that, but even after what he had done to me, those new memories were so fresh that I couldn't just forget them.

  And now, everything I did reminded me of Liam. My life had fallen into a new pattern over the past few weeks, and it all revolved around him.

  I got up early the next morning to go for a walk, as I always did. This only reminded me of him and the way I was desperate to stay in shape and on track for him. Half way through, I abandoned my walk and went to get a coffee. This was no good either as I used my free coffee card at Split Bean and was very quickly reminded of him again. Even the leather clad, overtly gay biker couldn't distract me from my thoughts.

  My coffee tasted even more bitter than usual. I was about to walk back to my apartment to commit to the final part of my routine. This was when I would pull myself up to my laptop and spend the rest of the day writing. I had gotten pretty good at it, too. In the last two weeks, I had written five short stories, each one getting better and better. I could feel myself improving and was able to sense that big break just around the corner.

  But as I strolled back in the direction of my apartment, I couldn't think of anything I felt less like doing than writing. Not only did it remind me of Liam, but my old memories and habits were clouding my judgment, too. The writer's block that I was experiencing was coming back in full force and threatening to destroy all the progress I had made.

  With nothing to do, and a mind that wouldn't let me rest, I did the only thing I could think of that might help. I called Liana.

  --

  We ended up having lunch at a restaurant near where Liana lived. It was about a forty-minute walk from my place, but I insisted on meeting her ther
e. I needed the walk to compose myself and prepare myself for the onslaught of questions that were sure to come from her.

  She was, of course, ecstatic about the fact that I had my memory back and couldn't wait to gossip with me about everything that had happened over the weekend. Especially after I told her that I had broken up with Liam.

  I didn't tell her why I had though. I decided to save that little tale for a face to face. Liana always made a great audience, too. She knew when to gasp, sigh, laugh, and curse in all the right places. As I told her what happened at Niagara Falls and about my past with Liam and the way that he exploited it, she didn't let me down.

  "I can't believe it!" she exclaimed as soon as I had finished telling her everything, right up to the moment that I kicked him out. "I seriously cannot, will not, and don't know how to believe it! I mean, what in the fucking fuck?!"

  "I know, right," I said, feeling a sense at relief at having told her. I'd been carrying a lot of pent up energy since the previous night. As I told her the whole story, I realized that what I needed was a way of getting it all off my chest. Liana really was the perfect conduit.

  "I just can't believe he did that? It's crazy? Isn't it crazy? I mean, he just seemed like such a nice guy!" She took a long sip of her glass of wine. We had been at the restaurant for a little over an hour by that point and were already on our second bottle. The more I spoke, the louder we both got.

  "He still is a nice guy," I said, accidentally defending him. I didn't even mean to. It just kind of slipped out.

  "Hey, don't do that!" Liana protested. "The man is a pig. All men are. Have you ever seen that movie? The one where all the men are dead? I tell you, that's the world that we need to live in. One free of men."

  "What about the sex?" I countered, unable to keep from smiling. Liana had definitely managed to turn my mood around, even if it was only temporary.

  "Sigh. You're right. Even a dildo isn't going to cut it. Maybe we can just take over and keep them as sex slaves? No talking, no cuddling. Just stick it in, do your thing, and get the hell out."

  She nodded to herself as she took another sip. Something told me that she had thought about this scenario before.

  "Yeah, I guess," I said, sighing. My good mood lasted exactly thirty seconds. Liana's talk of sex made me remember some of the great times I’d had with Liam, and that only served to drag me down again.

  "Hey," Liana said, noticing my mood slipping. "Don't let him do that to you, okay? The moment that you feel sad, he wins. The pig isn't worthy of that. In fact, it's probably best to imagine that he is at home right now, crying his little lying eyes out. Better yet, maybe he was so sad that he took a razor and slit his—"

  "Don't," I cut in. "Seriously, Liana. Don't say that."

  "Why not?" she asked, not looking the least bit put out. "After what he did to you? I think he deserves nothing less."

  "Yeah, maybe you're right," I said absent-mindedly.

  The truth was that I actually hated thinking of Liam being upset. Every time I thought about him at home, alone, it broke my heart. The fucked up thing was that I still had feelings for him, and I knew that despite the way he acted, he still had them for me. He was without a doubt hurting, and that thought hurt me, too.

  "Oh babe, don't tell me you still have feelings for the guy?" Liana asked aghast.

  "I don't know," I admitted. "It's just not as easy as you think it is. I can't just turn them off like that. Did you know we told each other that we loved one another the night before? Did I tell you that? How do you come back from that?"

  "No one said it would be easy. But babe, you can't. I mean there's no way that you can go back to him? Can you?" The look on her face spoke of a person who thought that such an act would be the biggest betrayal of all time. And she was right, too.

  "Of course, I can't," I admitted. Although it had crossed my mind, multiple times. I wondered what it would be like if I took him back, if I called him up and asked to meet him. I wondered if I would be able to stomach it? The thought of him both repulsed me and made me yearn for him at the same time. It was very confusing.

  "Good. I know that it hurts. But to do that would just show him that he can walk all over you, and there would be no consequences. He would forever have the power. And believe me, men have enough power in this world already. No sense giving them any more."

  I nodded at her statement of fact, taking a sip and finishing my drink. The moment my glass was empty, Liana waved back to the waiter to bring us another bottle. I was glad that she did. I was in the mood to drown myself, but I didn't want to look like I was. That would again just be giving him the power.

  "So, what now," Liana asked as the waiter filled up our glasses.

  "What do you mean?"

  "Well let's just assume that Doctor Scumbag is out of the picture. What are you going to do with yourself now?"

  "I don't know. The same thing I was before."

  "Which was?"

  It was a good question and one that I hadn't thought of yet, heck I hadn't had the time. But Liana was right to bring it up, and I was glad that she had. I still had a few months left on my lease and had no intention of renewing it when it ran out. Regardless of the way I used to live my life before the accident, I was determined to not fall back into that way of living. My life had changed since the crash, for the better in some cases. Even with Liam as a safety net, I was going to change the way I had been living.

  "I'm going to write," I said finally. My voice was shaky and even I didn't believe it at first. "Yeah, I'm going to write and get out of the stink hole that is my life." That second time was a little stronger, and I could feel the fire burning inside of me as I said it.

  "That's great! Hey, maybe you could use this whole thing as inspiration?" Liana clapped her hands excitedly. "You have to admit, it's pretty interesting. How many people have you ever met that have gone through the same thing?"

  "Yeah," I said, thinking on Liana's suggestion. The thought hadn't even occurred to me, but now that Liana had suggested it, I couldn't get it out of my head. "Yeah, maybe I will. It is a pretty interesting story."

  "Cheers to that," Liana exclaimed, holding her glass out in front of her.

  Smiling, I clinked my glass on hers. Despite everything that had happened, I was determined to turn my life around for the better. Unfortunately, Liam and I were over. There was no way I could go back to him, not after what he had done. But there had to be a silver lining. There always was. I was going to find that silver lining and use it. My life was going to change.

  CHAPTER 27

  LIAM

  How does one describe the worst period of their life? In a way, it was somewhat comforting, knowing that the last three months were unequivocally the worst I had ever lived through, and in all likelihood, they would be the worst I would ever have to live through. At least, that’s what I tried to tell myself on those sleepless nights when everything felt overwhelming.

  After Kate broke up with me, I couldn’t find any sort of joy in my life. There were no bright spots and no hope on the horizon. My loneliness was a vast depressing darkness that enveloped my entire world, and for a while there, I thought it was going to take me down with it.

  Nothing was the same after that day. Food tasted bitter, the nights were long and cold, and the days were longer and lonely. I didn't laugh or smile, I barely slept, and everything I did had a pointless feel to it. Even the act of literally saving lives didn't bring with it the same buzz that it once did.

  The first few weeks were the worst. Probably because I clung to the desperate hope that maybe Kate would forgive me. I woke up every morning and told myself that today would be the day that she would come around.

  But then I would try to call her, only to have her block my calls. I would try to visit her, only for her to avoid me. I would leave her messages, send her gifts, do anything I could to reestablish contact, only for her to ignore it all entirely.

  It was that constant, crushing rejection tha
t made those first weeks hell.

  But after a while, I began to see the light. It wasn't easy. It took every ounce of my will power to do so, but eventually, I picked myself up. I began to go about my days as I had before Kate came into the hospital, even though it was mostly a joyless existence.

  I worked, I ate, and I slept. When I had free time, I met up with friends, or watched a movie, or went for long walks to clear my head. It was hard at first, but after three months, I was a semblance of the man I used to be.

  Really, the hardest part of it all wasn't the rejection. It was that I knew I had hurt the woman that I loved. When it was all said and done, it was thoughts of her being upset and broken that kept me up at night. It was knowing that she was hurting that made surviving each day as tough as it was.

  I had expected her to drop me. I knew she would hate me. But I hadn't accounted for her own feelings and what they would do to her. I just hoped that she was okay.

  After three long months, I was able to push her from my mind. Sure, I still thought about her every day. The odd thought still crept in every now and then. But I was able to handle that. I was able to tell myself that she was doing better without me and that her life was back on track now that I was out of it. I had assured myself that everything was for the best, and it was thoughts of that which kept me going.

  --

  It was a Sunday morning, and the first day I had off from work in over two weeks. As luck would have it, Clint had the morning off, too. I asked him out for a cup of coffee. This would have been totally par for the course with nothing suspicious in it whatsoever. Or at least that was what Clint would have thought.

  I actually had some pretty big news that I had been sitting on for a while, and Clint was the only person that I really wanted to tell. Well, he and one other, but Clint was the only one who would listen.

  "Sorry I'm late," Clint said as he pulled up a seat at the table I was at.