Mealtimes and Milestones

by Barter, Constance

  Wednesday 3 October

  Before Morning Meeting22 a member of staff came in and said that there was a dying plant or something in my bedroom. I knew that I had a flower arrangement, so I went up to check if it was mine.

  Bits of it looked dried up and so it didn’t look very attractive any more, but it was absolutely fine otherwise, and it certainly didn’t smell. I threw it away anyway even though I didn’t want to. I felt really guilty because my granny had made it for me and so I felt quite sentimental towards it. It was even harder because I am particularly worried about her at the moment: I think she is very lonely, and earlier in the week she sent me a letter saying that she was sorry for making me ill. I just feel so awful that she is blaming herself for my anorexia, because of course it wasn’t her – life has just thrown its own curve in for me. Throwing a plant away might seem quite an innocent thing, but it just accentuated my concerns.

  I had a meeting with my key teacher at noon. She was worried about my neatness in presentation of my work, and that it might be one of my anorexic habits. To be honest I am pretty cross because I believe that I am just a naturally neat person, that is just who I am, and in the grand scale of things right now, I think it is quite insignificant. Also, because being neat is who I am, I feel that if I tried to be less neat it would be contradicting the main thrust of the work that goes on in the unit, because it is all about expressing who you really are, and so by covering my neatness up, and making things messy, I would be going against that principle.

  The whole morning just seemed too much. I was upset and confused and I didn’t want to express any of my emotions openly. I took a giant step backwards at lunch and didn’t eat anything. I was a cannonball dropping further and further back into my dark and deceitful thoughts.

  ‘Don’t eat, Constance – you know that it will make all of these troubles go away.’

  This evening at snacks, for the first time in ages, I felt hungry, and my stomach hurt. Something must have clicked with me. It brought back all the memories of being hungry, the collapsing, and at that moment during evening snacks I realized that I don’t want to live like this. This small sensation of hope really pulled me through and enabled me to make up my calories for the day. I just kept thinking of the future and what I want to achieve.

  Thursday 4 October

  I have really struggled with connections with the rest of the young people this week. I have felt an angry vibe from them. I have felt really isolated and lonely, and today especially I didn’t speak to one young person. I’ve really drawn back into my shell.

  My separation from the rest of the group continued and I didn’t want to talk about it with my parents and we had a very short and awkward conversation, and now I feel so awful for being direct and saying that I didn’t want to talk to them. I am lost and now I have pushed away the two people who could have offered comfort and security. I do love them both so much. I am a terrible person.

  Friday 5 October

  I felt really attacked in Friday Group today because quite a few of the young people were cross that I didn’t eat any of my lunch and this was hard to hear.

  I want people to like me, but it seems that I have to eat in order for people to like me, and I can’t let myself do that yet. I’m so terribly lonely. I really want to go home, but I know that I can’t survive at home and work with my difficulties. I don’t belong anywhere.

  Another thing that made my day harder was that I was allocated to two therapeutic care workers,23 but I had no check-ins or catch-ups with either of them during the day. This just added to my feeling of loneliness, it’s like nobody really wants or cares for me. I feel a bit like a stray leaf blowing in the wind, going whichever way the wind, or my thoughts, take me, without having the support of staff who act as my branches holding me down and stopping me from getting too caught up in my thoughts. I really need those strong branches right now.

  TEXT MESSAGE:

  Hi darling! How are you? I haven’t spoken to you in ages and I miss you. I’m in English hiding behind my book! Lol! Tee Hee! Love you. xxx

  Saturday 6 October

  I had a supervised meal24 with Mum and Dad today. Beforehand we had a talk with my key worker in which we talked about any worries that were around. These were mine:

  1.

  I knew that I had to eat everything in order to be able to go out with my parents in the afternoon, but just because I eat everything I don’t want my parents to think that everything is OK. I am still ill, and I want people to know that.

  2.

  I didn’t want to find it all too overwhelming and break down in tears because I didn’t want my parents to see me cry. I don’t want to be weak.

  My mum didn’t seem to have too many worries because I guess that she has seen it all – the ups and downs of when I have been at home. The times when I was able to push through the negative thoughts and eat – and the times when I was too weak to even stand up without collapsing.

  However, Dad was quite concerned because this was the first time in about five months that he had seen me eat – at home, Mum would usually try to give me dinner before he got home from work at night.

  Both my parents wanted to know what they could do to make it easier, and I wanted just to talk about normal things, like what a normal family would talk about over lunch.

  The meal itself was really hard. The voice was really powerful and I found myself needing to struggle more. The voice was telling me that I couldn’t just put a mask over it and pretend everything was OK. I had to look like I was struggling, every mouthful had to be slow and forced. Having this meal was such a big step, and a step to getting rid of anorexia, but it seemed to hold on to me even tighter now, determined not to let me get out of its clasp.

  If I had disobeyed then I would have upset my only true friend – it may be deceitful but when I work with it then it makes me feel so good and powerful and nothing can replace that. If I upset it then I must be a really, really bad person.

  Sunday 7 October

  I only went to church for half of the service today because it was the harvest festival and to be honest I don’t really want to go to church to celebrate food. Before it started, though, one of the congregation, who I see every week, came up to me and said:

  ‘My grandson was anorexic, but is coming to lunch today and he’s got through it, and he has just finished university, so just keep going and you’ll get there too like him.’

  I got complete goosebumps all over. It was a very short conversation but her words were just so inspiring and touched something deep down inside me and shone a light on me for the rest of the day.

  I spoke to one of my friends on the phone in the afternoon and she also offered words of inspiration and support. It reminded me what support was out there for me and today I feel like I actually want to get better, which in itself is a revelation.

  Monday 8 October

  In Monday Group25 we played ‘Human Bop-it’ and ‘Honey I Love You’ and I have never laughed so much in my life, I was actually crying with laughter!!! Then, during tea one of the therapeutic care workers said that she didn’t know that I had such a giggly and bubbly personality. I thought about this quite a lot, because I wondered why this was, and tried to think of reasons and all I came up with was because my mind is so corrupt and it does really drag you down deeper and deeper so it becomes increasingly more difficult to be positive and smile.

  In the evening I received the most amazing text from a friend which meant the world to me and it felt like hope would never end. It read:

  TEXT MESSAGE:

  I’m friends with Constance because she’s really cute and funny and when she smiles it makes me feel good inside. I’m comfortable around her and don’t have to try. She’s kind and considerate to other people’s feelings.

  I’m going to finish today with that.

  Wednesday 10 October

  I had a key session today and I was told that the tube had to be changed and was going to be take
n out on Monday at 6.30 p.m. which left me with very mixed feelings.

  I am going round in a bit of a circle. Again I’m not ready to have the tube out, but will I ever be ready? Every day that it stays in, I feel more and more reliant on it, and it has been two months now since the first one was put in, and I’ve had one in for the whole time except for a couple of days in the middle. I know this isn’t the life I want to lead, but if I let go, then I’m bound to punishment by my mind, and giving in is by far the easiest option.

  In the evening I made a list of the pros and cons of drinking. It did help me to put things into perspective but my worries and concerns about the tube coming out haven’t seemed to budge.

  Thursday 11 October

  In Creative Group26 the young people had to suggest something that others in the group could do, something which was outside their comfort zone. For me it was suggested that I do something more 3D and try and incorporate my feelings into it, because I don’t tend to express them that much.

  I made a heart-shaped box with a slit in the top. I then wrote my worries and concerns on a piece of paper and posted it through. I then decorated it with glitter. It was a step, because I was expressing my feelings, but I still didn’t feel ready to share them with anyone else. Covering the box in glitter also seemed quite symbolic, although I didn’t think about it at the time, because I often disguise my feelings and mask them over, a bit like the glitter was hiding the misery of those thoughts inside.

  My thoughts from inside the box

  I had family therapy afterwards which felt really helpful, because we talked about our family dynamics more and how we are so sensitive individually.

  My school was brought up too, by my dad. He explained quite bluntly about the reality of me being here. They have already paid lots of money for a school term that I am not even at. In an ideal world, he wanted me to be back on 5 January when everyone goes back. This really seemed to strike a chord with me. I am fully aware about the money issue involved, but it seemed to mean more because someone had talked about it directly. This experience also helped me to see how beneficial talking directly can be.

  In the evening I was told that I would have to have my supervised meal with my parents on Sunday rather than Saturday, but Dad wasn’t able to do this, so this is going to have to be discussed tomorrow.

  Friday 12 October

  In Friday Group, splits and divides among the young people were discussed and how certain members of the group were being left out, and my name was mentioned. It was suggested that I am ‘bobbing below the surface’. Personally, though, I feel more like a baby bird flapping its wings on the edge of the nest, but just not being ready yet to take that leap out of the security that I know. It feels too scary right now.

  After the group, I was told that I couldn’t have a supervised meal this weekend because the unit can’t do Saturday and my parents can’t do Sunday. This brought feelings up that I seemed to be open about. Some were my own, genuine feelings, and some were my anorexia’s. I was angry, but actually more frustrated because there weren’t enough staff. But anorexia has twisted this into the fact that I am not worth enough to people for them to let me have a supervised meal. More importantly, I was also upset because I had really been doing a lot of thinking about how Mum, Dad and I can improve and move forward from the last meal, so that I go from using the staff’s support to using the support of my parents in an unsupervised meal. So I therefore felt quite let down.

  Saturday 13 October

  In the afternoon we decided to go to Hay’s Galleria in London but the Tube was shut, so we had to drive to the nearby town and get the train, which was always going to be tight, because I didn’t finish my feed until 2 p.m. I could feel the stress rising, especially from Dad, and for the first time I was able to confront him about it. It was scary, because I didn’t want to upset him, but afterwards I really felt the benefits from being open with him and he said it was only because he wanted me to have the best and longest afternoon out in London possible. The rest of the day went smoothly and it was a giant leap that I had taken.

  Sunday 14 October

  In my key session I made three different-coloured bracelets:

  a green one, signifying anger and frustration;

  a blue one, signifying feeling low, upset or anxious;

  a gold one, signifying confusion, questions or that I need to talk to someone.

  They are in preparation for my NG tube coming out tomorrow. The idea is that I will wear the one that matches what I am feeling so that my allocated member of staff can recognize what I am feeling and help me with it. They will allow me to receive help in the best form and not take me too much out of my comfort zone. If I could just try and get some of these emotions out, then I wouldn’t need to express them over food, so then I won’t have to have the tube back.

  Monday 15 October

  I got some feedback from school on some work that I had sent in. This felt really good, because it helped to reassure me that people weren’t moving on while I was away and that I was still being thought about.

  At 6.30 p.m. it was time for the tube to be removed and my key worker came in. The mixed feelings seemed even more powerful now. It felt like my armour and protection was being taken away. I would now have to fight without it; I couldn’t blame things on having a tube, and I would have to express myself, which I didn’t feel ready to do. I’ve used it as a bit of a scapegoat. I hate the way I look, my body, my face, but with the tube in I could blame that, because without it, then perhaps I would be able to see myself as a prettier person.

  I am cross that it had to be taken out, but now that it has gone I feel upset. But I feel glad, too, because this is an opportunity to show what I can accomplish – yet it also seems like just another opportunity to fail.

  I talked to my key worker about my problems with connections. I talked, for the first time, about a really good friend who moved abroad in the summer and how much I miss her. When others at school used to confront me head-on about eating and exercise, she would be there to talk and be more subtle about it. She used to be an ear to listen to my problems and a shoulder to cry on at school when it all became too much. My key worker wondered whether anorexia really took control when my friend left, and suggested that perhaps I struggle in making connections with people because I’m afraid that they will leave again. I found this talk really helpful because it feels like we have really got to the bottom of at least one of my problems.

  Tuesday 16 October

  The morning started off well: I didn’t want the tube to go back. But as the day went on, I felt that motivation slip right through my fingers.

  In Feelings Group,27 it was mentioned that it had been quite a big day for the community because two people have had their tubes removed. I was invited to talk about how I was going to express myself now. I became very anxious and I felt very reluctant. I explained about the bracelets despite not wanting to.

  ‘You can’t tell people,’ it told me.

  I went against it, but consequently felt so awful and guilty. I feel exposed and vulnerable now people know what I am feeling by looking at the colour of the bracelet. If I don’t wear one, it means that I am OK. I took it off in Feelings Group because I felt so self-conscious.

  I think part of the problem lies in time. I can’t understand why people would want to give their time to help me – I’m just worthless. I haven’t done anything really wrong, so I can’t really explain what I’ve done which makes me hate myself so much. I think that is why it is so hard to unlock, because there is actually no real answer or reason – it is just a very strong voice.

  After Feelings Group I had some time to think and I put my blue bracelet back on. I was able to realize that, although it is still hard to know that people know what I am feeling,' ultimately it is helpful. The staff congratulated me because they saw it as a real improvement – I, however, do not.

  Wednesday 17 October

  I had therapy today. It was the firs
t session I had had in about two months when I hadn’t had a tube in. It felt quite strange and really exposing. We talked about my feelings around it, and I was able to talk more openly about it. I can really see the benefits of not having a tube. I can see how much of a block it is. For the first time since it has come out, I feel really free and liberated, and this feels really good.

  Thursday 18 October

  I was still a long way behind on my fluids and I really didn’t want to go to my core team meeting because I knew how the conversation would go – it would end with them passing the tube for the third time. My core team meeting was at 2.30 p.m., and my mum was picking me up at the same time to go to the orthodontist because my retainer had broken and it was the only time he could see me. We were just about to leave, but they called me in, and of course it came up – but they came up with three ideas about passing the tube, if I continued to be low on fluids:

  1.

  The tube would be re-passed as normal.

  2.

  The tube would be inserted, but I would have to feed myself through the tube.

  3.

  The tube would be passed at a particular time during each day, every day if I wasn’t up to date. After each feed, it would then be taken out.

  I don’t want any of those, especially not the third one.

  I got into the car with my mum after the core team meeting and burst into tears. I can’t believe that I am in this situation again. I can’t bear the thought of having a tube passed again, but I can’t see another way out.