I look around, careful of Lottie getting hold of my candle. It does looks beautiful, if not a little dangerous. Each parent holds a candle, the flicker of light showcasing their proud and excited smiles. Everyone’s parents seem to be here. All except for Barclay. With it being early evening, I actually thought he might make it.
The red curtains pull open to reveal them all lined up in their school uniforms. I find Jessica’s eyes and smile, giving a thumbs up. I see her scan for her daddy and her little face falls ever so slightly. My heart breaks in two for her.
That stupid stubborn man is missing out on these perfect moments that you treasure in your heart forever. You just don’t get this time back, but I get that he’s busy.
They sing Silent Night and it speaks right to my soul. My dad used to sing it to me before bed, regardless of the month. My heart squeezes with how much I miss him, but I push it back down. I need to be here for Jessica, seen as he isn’t.
They sing their parts beautifully, all of us looking on with tears in our eyes. The crowd erupts in a round of applause as soon as they’re finished. We all spring up out of our seats to give them a standing ovation.
I’m clapping so hard, proud tears falling down my cheeks, that for a second I forget about the candle. I quickly zone back in on where it is, but it’s gone slack in my hand. So slack in fact that it’s lit the woman in front’s hair on fire.
Fuck! Fuck!
Lottie’s eyes nearly burst out from her head. ‘Fire!’ she shouts.
I hit the hair, and in doing so, the back of the woman. She turns around to confront me, but it just makes her realise that her hairs on fire. I slap her hair repeatedly until it goes out, my own hand burning. I barely notice, I’m so mortified.
‘You lit my hair on fire!’ she screams. ‘You stupid nanny!’
Oh no, she didn’t. She’s played the nanny card, like a normal mother would never make such a mistake. We’re all human lady.
A member of the PTA comes rushing in holding a fire extinguisher.
‘No!’ I shout. ‘The fire’s already—’
Too late. She sprays the white mist, covering the entire woman in it. I get some on my face too. Silence descends on the room as horrified parents look on at the scene I’ve somehow created. I look to the stage, expecting Jessica’s eyes to have filled with tears from humiliation.
Instead I find them creased and then she lets out an explosion of giggles. She finds this funny? Before long all the kids are creased in laughter while the parents and the teachers glare at me.
‘Ooops.’
Saturday 14th December
Ruby
I didn’t see Barclay last night. He must have gone straight out from the office. It’s weird but I actually wanted to tell him about the embarrassment that is “Fire Gate”. The thing I miss most about having a mum is being able to call her and know she’ll listen to me ramble on and still be interested. It just reminds me that I don’t have any ride or die friends. Sure, I have mates wherever I go, but no-one I’d feel comfortable enough to just randomly ring. Definitely not if I had a dead body in my kitchen.
I texted Barclay again this morning while Jessica was swimming to remind him that today was her school Christmas fair. He’s seen it but didn’t reply. I’m not holding my breath. The man is impossible. Just when I think I’m getting somewhere with him he goes and lets the girls down again and doesn’t even try to call them to apologise.
Plus, I could really do with the company. Everyone is still glaring at me after last night. I actually saw it trending on Twitter. I didn’t have the guts to see if it was about me.
I’ve just treated myself to a mulled wine when I feel a presence behind me.
‘Drinking on the job, I see.’
I spin round to see Barclay staring at me, only the tiniest hint of amusement on the corner of his lips.
I grimace. ‘Just the one. Remember I’ve been here longer than you.’
He looks around at all the chaos, children screaming excitedly that they want to see Santa next.
He pouts his lips. ‘True.’
A child runs past and knocks her hot chocolate over his jacket. I couldn’t have timed it more perfectly.
‘For fucks sakes,’ he mutters under his breath through gritted teeth.
I get a tissue out of my bag and hand it over to him. He dabs at himself before realising it’s a dry-cleaning job.
‘I heard there was an incident with a mum setting someone’s hair on fire last night.’
Oh shit, he knows. The PTA probably sent out a bloody newsletter.
‘Was there?’ I ask shrilly, my ridiculous voice giving me away.
He grins and raises one eyebrow. ‘I know it was you, Ruby. I’ve already had the parents on the phone. I’ve promised to pay for replacement hair extensions.’
God, why do I always act like such an idiot?
‘Oh... thank you.’
How easily you can fix things when you have money.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls!’ The speakers boom.
We all quieten down and turn towards the stage, where the headmistress Mrs Langley is holding a microphone.
‘Now, as you know, it’s Abbots Hill school tradition for the parents to get involved in some of the fun. Now, can I please have a volunteer.’
Barclay raises his eyebrows, as if the whole thing is so below him. I’ve got just the idea to bring him crashing down to earth.
‘Over here!’ I shout, jumping up and down. ‘Mr Rothchester would like to volunteer.’
His head snaps round at me, horror painted on his face.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ he hisses, pinching my elbow.
Jessica starts giggling.
‘Excellent, Mr Rothchester!’ Mrs Langley practically sings. ‘If I could have you walk into the centre of the room please.’
‘Oh no,’ he says, his palms up in protest. ‘Sorry, but no. I think someone else should do it.’ His cheeks are actually turning pink. I love it.
‘Rubbish!’ I say loudly. ‘He just needs some encouragement. Come on everyone. ‘Mr Rothchester! Mr Rothchester!’ I start chanting.
Everyone joins in. From the looks of it, the mums can’t stop eye fucking him and the men want him to be embarrassed. God, private school is horrid.
He’s still trying to protest when Jessica pulls on his jacket. ‘Please, Daddy.’
He looks at her pleading face and something in him shifts, albeit begrudgingly.
‘Fine,’ he snaps, walking to the middle of the room with a roll of his eyes. I cannot wait for this.
‘Now children,’ Mrs Langley says. ‘You know the drill.’ She starts handing out toilet paper.
What the hell is going to happen here? By Barclay’s face, I’m assuming he’s never made it to a fair before, he seems equally bewildered.
‘Now children,’ Mrs Langley says, ‘after three. One, two, three!’
Children descend on him with crazed excited eyes, wrapping him up with the toilet roll.
‘Snowman!’ they all laugh. They spin around him until he’s basically zombied to within an inch of his life with Andrex. All that’s left is his eyes which he’s using to shoot me daggers. I shrug unapologetically, trying not to wet myself laughing.
‘Excellent children!’ Mrs Langley sings. ‘Now for the accessories.’
Sticker bows are pressed down his front, a hat and scarf appear from someone and are placed on him.
‘Now for the finishing touch.’ She pulls a carrot from around her back. Barclay looks at it with wide eyed horror. ‘Open up Mr Rothchester.’
His mouth falls open, but it’s more from disbelief.
She slams the carrot into his mouth. ‘There’s his nose. Right, children, let’s sing our song.’
The children break into ‘I’m a little snowman.’
Barclay’s cheeks are getting so red I’m sure any minute he’s going to burst into flames of rage. Or could it be embarrassment? To think, he’s paying a
ridiculous amount in tuition charges to get this humiliated.
As soon as the songs over he pulls everything off himself, smiling and trying to act like a good sport, when I can tell he’s furious.
‘Well done, Daddy!’ Lottie says running up to him and hugging his leg. ‘You’re the best snow man.’
He smiles, despite the embarrassment, calmly walking up to me.
‘I have to go back to work. In the meantime...’ He leans forward so he can whisper in my ear, ‘Watch your back, Ruby. Paybacks a bitch.’
A thrill, as well as fear, runs up and down my spine. Images of him whipping me over his oak desk flash into my mind. Jesus, where the hell did that come from? How strong is this mulled wine?
I try to hide my blushes while he says his goodbyes to the girls.
‘That was so funny,’ Jessica says with a giggle.
‘What next girls?’ I ask, eyeing up the candle stall.
‘Santa!’ they both shriek at the same time.
Did they honestly not get enough Santa yesterday?
We queue up for thirty torturous minutes of kids whinging and crying that they want to see Santa next. We finally get in to see him. Wow, this isn’t like the Santa’s grotto they had at my school.
They’ve completely transformed a classroom so half of it is covered in what looks like cotton wool on the floor to simulate snow. The curtains are closed, the only light coming from the fairy lights dotted around the room. We round a corner and there the big man is, in his own little wooden room with an elf beside him. Lottie clings onto my leg, obviously unsure. Jessica is too but tries to brave it out.
‘Come with me?’ she asks, holding out her hand.
I don’t care how many years I’ve been doing this, but when a child trusts and values you enough to want to hold your hand, it just feels like you’ve made it. It’s the best feeling in the world.
‘Okay, let’s go see the big man.’
The dad is wearing a top-quality costume. Even his beard looks freakishly real. I wonder if he grew it especially for today. That’s some commitment.
‘Ah, hello, Jessica. And this must be little Charlotte.’
That’s weird, but I suppose if he’s a dad he could know their names.
He smiles warmly. ‘Come sit down and tell me what you’d like me to bring you this year.’
We sit down on the wooden sleigh covered in a fleecy blanket. It looks like this sleigh has been hand crafted. Absolutely amazing.
‘What would you like?’ he asks with a friendly smile.
I already know from the letter she wrote that she’d like a doll’s house.
Jessica fidgets, looking everywhere but him as her cheeks redden.
‘Don’t worry, Jess,’ I smile. ‘It’s just Santa. You can tell him anything.’
A thousand things rush through my head. Shit, is she being abused and she’s choosing to tell Santa? Could it be a dad from the school? A teacher? Maybe it’s this guy and that’s why she looks so worried. Anger surges through my veins. I’ll kill this guy with my own bare hands. By the time they drag me off he’ll be nothing but a pair of eyes and bones.
‘Well, my wish isn’t for me. Well, not exactly,’ she says shyly.
Oh... so she’s not being abused. Well, thank god for that. I didn’t fancy twenty years in prison.
‘Whatever it is, Santa will help you. Right Santa,’ I encourage with a wink.
He nods. ‘Of course, Jessica. Just tell me what’s on your mind.’
‘Well...’ She takes a deep breath. ‘I’d quite like for my daddy to be happy again.’
Oh wow. I was not expecting that. Santa looks pretty taken aback too.
‘Okay.’ He nods. ‘And how do you think he’ll be happy again?’
‘Well,’ she fidgets, ‘the last time I remember him happy was when my mummy was alive. I know you can’t bring her back to life.’
Oh, my heart.
‘But I was wondering if you could send someone for him to fall in love with. You know, like in Cinderella, except I don’t want an awful step mother. I want her to be kind. But... but I suppose I could have her be a bit horrible, as long as she makes Daddy happy.’
How can one little girl have such a big heart? Mine is swelling and growing every day I get to look after these beautiful girls.
‘Well...’ Santa starts, looking to me for guidance.
I quickly brush a tear away.
‘Jessie,’ I take both of her small hands in mine. ‘You are such a gorgeous girl to hope that for your daddy and I know that one day he will find someone who makes him happy. But in the meantime, don’t for a second think he’s not happy with you two girls. He loves you both to the moon and back. He just misses Mummy and wishes she could watch you grow up, like he is.’
‘But she is,’ Jessica says, matter of factly. ‘From heaven.’
‘Exactly.’ I nod. I love children’s unbreaking faith of heaven.
She throws herself into my arms for a cuddle. I squeeze her tight, promising with my hug to look after her forever. Except I’m leaving after Christmas. How can I leave her now?
‘I want a hatchimal,’ Lottie says over us. ‘Please,’ she adds with a cute cheeky smile.
Chapter 19
Sunday 15th December
Barclay
I’m just about to walk out the door in my tux for the latest company Christmas do when my phone starts ringing, Queenie’s name flashing up. I roll my eyes instinctively. I can’t help it. She annoys the hell out of me.
‘Queenie, what’s up?’ Problems this early in the evening are a bad sign.
‘I’m not coming.’
‘Excuse me?’ I scoff, completely caught off guard. What the hell is she playing at?
‘I’m not coming tonight. To be frank, I really think you need to go to an event without me there to hold your hand. Maybe you’ll realise that you miss me.’
Oh Jesus. Is she doing this because she thinks the absence will make my heart grow fonder? I’ve always been nothing but up front with her about not wanting a relationship. She knows we only snog when I’m tanked up.
‘Well I’m very disappointed that you’ve let me down so last minute. Goodbye.’ I hang up. There, that should tell her what I think of her. I am so not here for drama tactics from a crazy female. I get enough of that from Ruby.
Hmm, maybe I should invite Ruby to come in her place? No, Jesus, what am I even thinking? It’s just...well, it will look bad if I arrive on my own. They always expect me to have dates to these things and Queenie’s always been more than willing to fill in. If I sit next to an empty seat all night, it’ll just get the gossip mongers chatting.
I know quite a few socialites will be going tonight. The only thing worse than bringing someone they don’t already know is bringing no one at all. They’ll see me as fair game and I’ll have to have their surgically enhanced breasts stuffed in my face all night while they tell me how handsome I am. No thanks. Ruby it is then. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Ruby
The girls are all tucked up in bed the next night when I’m wondering if I should tell Barclay what Jessica said yesterday. Maybe show him how they’re sensing his mood and for him to try and at least act happier. But I know he’ll tell me to mind my own business.
Plus, I should really work on the float costumes. It’s in five days and I still haven’t finished making them all, let alone tried them on the children or pinned and made alterations.
Still, I find I’m pacing the floor of my small kitchen area, trying to think of how to bring it up, eager for an excuse to see him. How pathetic is that. There’s a knock at my door.
I frown. I thought the girls were down for the night. I open the door but look up to see Barclay in a dinner suit. Wowzas. That’s some broad shoulders.
‘Oh, hi.’ My knees knock. He’s just so pretty.
‘Hi.’ He’s fidgeting with a button, a bit like how Jessica was yesterday talking to Santa. ‘Sorry to interrupt you, but I’m in a bit of a
bind.’
‘Right?’ I cross my arms over my chest, remembering I haven’t got a bra on and I’m probably pointing at him. ‘What’s up?’
‘I have a function tonight.’ He checks his watch, as if he’s already late.
‘Right, okay.’ I nod, still not understanding. ‘So, you’re checking if I’ll look after the girls? Of course.’
‘No.’ He clears his throat, avoiding my eye line. It’s strangely adorable how awkward he’s being. ‘Actually, my work colleague normally comes with me and she’s had to cancel.’
‘Riiiight?’ Am I missing something here? Why is he being so weird?
‘I was wondering...’ He coughs, clearing his throat. ‘If you’d be able to come with me instead?’
I stare back at him, mouth gaping open. He wants me to be his date? Go with him to a function as something more than a nanny?
‘Sorry...’ I just want to clarify. Check I’m not getting the wrong end of the stick. ‘You’re asking me to go to a function with you?’
I’m aware I sound like a dumbass repeating myself, but I’m speechless. Surely, he has a list of eager females in his black book he could call on.
‘Yes.’ He nods, biting his lip. ‘It’s too late to get anyone else and besides, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea and think I’m dating them.’
Oh, so it’s definitely not a date then. Not that I thought it was. Not even for a minute.
‘Yeah, gee, you wouldn’t want a female thinking that. Clingy little things that we are,’ I say.
He rolls his eyes but graces me with a rare smile. They’re so rare that I find myself getting giddy with glee when I get one. It scares me how much I’d be willing to do in order to get one.
‘Look, I’ll get you a huge TV for your room if you come?’
Resorting to bribing. He must be desperate. I look over at the small fifteen inch television I’m using right now. I could really do with another one and I’d never bother buying one myself, especially with me leaving soon. But I hate that he thinks he can buy me.
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