Badass

by Linda Barlow

  “Dad.” I heard the tremulous sound of my own voice and stiffened my shoulders. I could do this. It was partly my fault that Dad didn’t like Shane, and it wasn’t fair to him at all. It wasn’t fair to either of them. But I had made it worse by acting as if I couldn’t stand him, either. All to cover up my increasing feelings for Shane. “I guess you know that I lied to you. About Shane, I mean. I’m sorry for that. I hope it isn’t, um, causing trouble between you and his mom. Because it shouldn’t. It was just a—I mean—” I trailed off, not wanting to lie any further. But from what I’d over heard in the church, Molly had implied that Shane and I were serious, which wasn’t true, at least not on Shane’s side.

  I couldn’t tell what Dad was thinking. But after a long minute of silence, he spoke, “She thinks we should call off the wedding.”

  “No, Dad. You don’t have to do that. It’s not as if I have any future with him. But you and his mother seem really happy.”

  He grabbed me by the arm, startling me. “What did that bastard do? I knew he couldn’t be trusted. Those Special Forces guys—I know about them. I had friends in the military, years ago. I know how they act. I’ve seen the guys drilling out on the beach at Coronado, and I’ve also seen them hanging out in the bars, with women falling all over them. What they do for our country, that’s all fine and good, but I would never want a man like that hanging out with my daughter. Much less—” now it was his turn to falter.

  “Shane’s not like that.”

  “Yeah? Then where the fuck is he? He abandoned both you and his mother at the slightest hint of conflict. He took off and left everything. He asked Molly to take care of his fucking motorcycle and ship it home. With all his stuff. What kind of an asshole does that? What kind of an asshole fucks my daughter when she’s about to become his sister and then leaves her crying?”

  Wow, I had rarely heard my dad use that kind of language with me. He was really upset. But he was wrong about Shane. I thought of our last night together—how strangely tender Shane had been. So different from our previous nights together. Did he have feelings for me, after all?

  “Dad, you don’t understand. Shane and I met a long time ago. Almost a year ago. We first got together before you even knew Molly. Then he was deployed for nine months. He had just returned home when you and Molly invited us to dinner that night. Neither one of us had any idea that we were about to encounter a stepsibling. We were both horrified.”

  Dad was blinking at me in astonishment.

  “We knew it couldn’t go on as soon as we saw that you and Molly were serious about each other. The road trip to Cabo was just a last minute fling. To get it out of our systems. It ended when we got here. We knew it had to end. It’s over. Done.”

  He didn’t say anything. He still looked stunned. Whatever Molly had told him—whatever she knew or had guessed—I guess she hadn’t told him that Shane and I had met last year.

  “He saved my life. First during the earthquake when he kept us from wrecking ourselves in the rift in the earth that opened right ahead of us. And then again when he found us water in the desert. And got us to safety. And finally…” My voice was shaking by now. “Dad, I was attacked by two vicious bikers, who were going to rape and murder me. Shane saved me from them, even though he’d been hurt in the earthquake. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be here to tell you any of this. I’d be dead now, if not for Shane.”

  I was gulping for breath as it all came back. I felt my dad’s hands on my shoulders, steadying me. “Please don’t distrust him or accuse him of anything, because he is a wonderful man who put himself at risk to protect me.”

  I could have gone on to spill my praises for the man I’d fallen in love with, but I’d already said enough. Dad pulled me close and held me, but not before I caught a glimpse of the stricken expression on his face. “I didn’t know any of that, Cassie. Hush, sweetie. I’ve got you. It’s okay.”

  “Nothing that happened was Shane’s fault. I wanted it too. I wanted everything and I took it. That’s how we got into this mess, and, God, Dad, I’m so sorry! I mean, I’m not sorry for anything that happened with Shane and me, but I’m really sorry for hurting you or disappointing you or making you angry or unhappy or—”

  “Cassie,” he said, patting my back in a way that reminded me of my childhood. “I could never be disappointed in you. I love you and that’s all that matters.”

  “But you love Molly, too,” I blubbered.

  “There’s always room enough for love,” my father said.

  * * *

  I took the airplane ticket Dad offered me and left Mexico a few hours later. There was no point in staying there now that the wedding seemed to be on hold. With Shane gone, I just wanted to get out of Mexico. Everything about the place reminded me of him.

  The sooner I got back to my research on marine animals, the sooner I could lose myself in my work. And Dad and Molly would probably be much better off figuring out what they were going to do next if I wasn’t around to remind them of their wayward children.

  Shane still hadn’t called or texted me. I needed to put him behind me and get on with my life.

  Somehow.

  A few hours later, as my plane flew north over the Baja Peninsula where my world had been forever changed by a gorgeous, irritating jerk with wicked blue eyes and a body that could fuck me a hundred ways and make me scream in joy, I pressed my face against the cold airplane window and fought to hide my tears.

  Chapter 54—Shane

  Two weeks later

  We arrived back from our latest training by helicopter. It had been a quick trip, dare I say relaxing, teaching the candidates to skydive. My buddy Grant gave me a ride to my place. After I took a quick shower, I hopped into my truck, and rolled down the windows. I was grateful to the cool breeze from the ocean welcoming me back to San Diego.

  I got a shock when I got home, though. My mom called me and told me that she and Henry had decided that they weren’t getting married, after all.

  At first, I was angry for my mom’s sake, jumping to the conclusion that Henry must have dumped her just like various guys had done in the past. Including my biological father.

  But Mom reassured me, explaining that she didn’t want to leave our home in Montana, at least not full time, although she was happy to stay with Henry during her off seasons. “I told him there was no way I’d give up the business I’ve built in Billings for the past twenty years. Besides, there isn’t any serious trout fishing in the San Diego area.”

  As for Henry, he didn’t want to leave his tenured full professorship at USD to move to Montana. Apparently he’d been assuming that Mom would move down here when they got married. When she’d made him understand that wouldn’t be happening, they’d agreed to be life partners without bothering with the technicality of marriage.

  “It’s not like I’m ever going to have any more kids,” she said. “Henry and I are hoping for grandchildren.”

  That was about as broad a hint as I’d ever heard from my mother. I was still trying to process it when she asked me to come over and pick up my bike.

  I believed that she was happy and at peace with her decision. So I let go any remaining anger and guilt that I’d felt about the wedding.

  Cassie was not going to be my stepsister. My heart raced, there was no external barrier keeping us apart. We had a chance. I missed everything about her, her smile, her laugh, her wit, her body. But I still wasn’t sure if I could make her happy. She said she loved me, but it was in a moment of passion. Did she really want to be with me?

  I drove down to Henry’s house. But before I could ring the doorbell, I saw it. There, sitting in the driveway. A Harley. My Harley. It looked brand new.

  My hands glided over the custom paint job, the new leather scent filled my nostrils. My mom didn’t have the money for this. I studied it closer—completely rebuilt, new parts, and even a custom-painted trident on the fuel cover.

  “You like it?” I tore my eyes away from the bike
for a second to see Henry standing by the door, a smile on his face.

  “Yes, sir. But I can’t accept this. I do appreciate it. Please, let me know how much I owe you.”

  He took a few steps forward. “Son, you don’t owe me anything. Cassie told me how you saved her life.”

  I looked him in the eyes. “I’m sorry, sir. I never meant to ruin your wedding. You make my mom happy and I’m glad you’re there for her. As for Cassie—” I hesitated, “—she deserves someone better than me, someone more refined, educated. Someone more like you.”

  Henry put his arm around my shoulder, and this time, I resisted the urge to shrug him off. “I’m not so refined. Look, son. You remind me a bit of myself when I was your age. I also had a bike, loved that thing. It was a classic.” He paused for a moment, and then added with a grin, “Your mom mentioned that maybe I should get another one. You and I could ride together. Nothing like driving on the open road. What do you think?”

  Whoa. Henry was blowing my mind. “I’d like that, sir.”

  “Cassie would be lucky to have a man like you. That’s what I think. Now come inside and visit with your mother.”

  And that was it. He turned and walked back into the door. No lecture, no stay the fuck away from my daughter, no I know about you SEALs.

  He approved of me. He approved of us. He thought I was good for her.

  Was I so completely fucked up that I’d convinced myself that our relationship was impossible, even though our parents were no longer getting married?

  I greeted my mom but excused myself the first second I had a chance.

  I felt as though an enormous load had just been lifted off my back.

  I grabbed my phone to call Cassie. But there was already a text blinking from her.

  “Meet me. Down by the sea lions.”

  Chapter 55—Cassie

  I was at the La Jolla cove again.

  I came sometimes to watch the sea lions. And the sea. To listen to the comforting sounds of the waves splashing against the rocks in their never-ending rhythms. Sometimes I sat under the awning where I had sat on the night I’d met Shane. I liked to meditate there, with the sounds of the sea in my ears and the breeze in my hair. But I kept getting distracted by thoughts of my crazy road trip with Shane.

  I hadn’t heard a word from him.

  It still hurt.

  I knew he cared about me. He might pretend that he had no feelings for me, but his hands when he caressed my body and his fingers when held a sketching pencil told me a different story.

  I wasn’t sure what good it would do, though, if he couldn’t cope with his feelings. I couldn’t force him back into my arms.

  He might be a kickass SEAL who could take all kinds of physical torture and be lethal in a fight and an ace survivalist and all those things, but perhaps dealing with a real-life woman was too much for him.

  My mind got into such tangles whenever I thought about Shane. I usually moved from blaming him to blaming myself--believing that he couldn’t really love me enough because I just wasn’t that lovable. I’d argued with him and defied him and challenged him right from the start. Maybe he’d been glad to get rid of me.

  I had to know for certain, though. Especially since the wedding between our parents was now off. Not that they weren’t still together. They were. Very much so. But both of them had told me that they were no longer so inclined to formalize their relationship with, as Molly put it, “the outdated ritual of marriage.”

  But I knew they must have changed their plans because they’d found out about Shane and me.

  If so, it was a damn shame, since Shane had been incommunicado ever since he’d left me alone in Cabo.

  I was going to give it one last try.

  This evening I had finally decided to confront him. Once and for all.

  I’d sent him a text and asked him to meet me here. But he hadn’t answered and it was beginning to look as though he wasn’t going to show up.

  I walked down to the water line and let the waves break over my bare feet. There were no sea lions close to shore where I was standing. I could see some lights on buoys out in the water near the reef, though. Night divers, marking their dive spot. I’d never dived at night here. I’d like to some time, but not without a partner, of course. Shane had been such a great diver. A SEAL would be, I guess. The water was their thing, after all.

  We’d only dived that one time together. Lobster hunting—something I’d resented hugely at the time, although I’d done it. I’d dive for lobsters again with him, and even eat the damn things afterward, if I could just have Shane back for one more night.

  “Hey,” a voice said from just behind me.

  Oh my God. Magic? Wish upon a lobster and it comes true? I turned slowly, afraid that it had been some kind of hallucination. I knew his voice, of course. I was sure I would hear it in my head for my whole life.

  He was there, tall and beautiful, his hair a little longer and his beard grown in a little rougher. I wanted to grab him or do one of those leaps where the girl hurls herself at the guy pelvis first and scissors her thighs around him and he supports her back and—

  “Cassie? Are you okay?”

  I obviously had frozen-face or something. “Um, hiya. I’m fine. Just surprised. I didn’t hear you coming. I didn’t know if you’d gotten my text.”

  “Just got it about thirty minutes ago.”

  I couldn’t seem to gauge his mood. I felt awkward. The little speech I’d prepared went completely out of my head. “Molly told me you’ve been away on some kind of training thing?”

  “Yup. I was doing a BUD/s rotation. Teaching the candidates to skydive. Just got back to town.”

  My body was reacting to his in the old instant-attraction way. Heat and chills both at once. Heart pounding, Breasts tingling. Belly convulsing with sexual tension. Desire flooding every cell. Why didn’t this happen with any other good-looking man? It was so unfair that he was the only guy who could unleash this wild response in me.

  I stepped back a pace and tried to glare at him. I don’t think it came out as a glare, though. Just seeing him made me want to smile, to grin, to laugh out loud. I hated him for making me so unhappy, but I loved him anyway, damn the man!

  “Thank you for coming,” I said, gathering my tattered courage. “I need to talk to you. Actually, I need to ask you about these.”

  I opened the Manila envelope I’d kept folded to my chest and pulled out the sketches he’d left for me.

  He looked surprised. “You kept them? I thought you might toss them in the wastebasket.”

  “Why would I do that? They’re wonderful. You have a real talent. You’re good at so many things.” I stopped, hesitated, and then plunged on, “Why did you draw me so lovingly? You made me far prettier than I am, and yet the sketches don’t feel like flattery. I mean, they aren’t idealized. They’re accurate, real. They show my flaws. And still they somehow make me look beautiful. Why is that, Shane? What does it mean?”

  He stared at the drawings and then he smiled at me. “They’re the way I see you, Cass. You’re beautiful to me.”

  I swallowed hard. That was lovely to hear, but where did it leave me? Where did it leave us?

  I had told him I loved him that night in Cabo. If he didn’t have the guts to say the same to me, I wasn’t going to repeat it.

  “Did you hear about our parents? It seems we’re not gonna be stepsiblings, after all.”

  “I just heard. My mom told me a little while ago when I got back to town.”

  Silence fell between us. I heard a sea lion bark nearby and I was grateful for the distraction. I half turned away and look down toward the water. I didn’t know what else to say to Shane.

  Then he spoke: “I need to talk to you, Cass. I’ve been doing some thinking. I’ve been trying to process everything. You know?”

  I refused to nurse the spark of hope that flared in me then. “Last time we were together you didn’t want to talk about anything. And then you left me.
You told your mother you were leaving Mexico, but you didn’t tell me!”

  The accusation burst out of me. Not good. But I couldn’t hold it back. Part of me wanted to beat with my fists upon his chest and scream, “Why don’t you love me? Why don’t you? Why, why, why?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. Which amazed me. Shane didn’t seem like the type of guy who apologized too often. “I haven’t had any real girlfriends before. I mean, women that I cared about. Real relationships. I just, you know, fucked. My mom has always said I was relationship-handicapped. But now I think she believes there might be hope for me.”

  “There’s hope for you?” I was confused. I wasn’t sure what he was saying and I didn’t dare believe there was hope for me. For us. “What do you mean? Did you tell her about us? When we were in Cabo? Because somehow or the other, she knew.”

  He looked away for a moment, and then back at me. “My mother’s the only woman I’ve ever really been close to. Before you came along, I mean. So, yeah. I may have told her that I was in love with you.”

  Were my ears ringing or had he just said he was in love with me? “You told her what?”

  He caught one of my wrists and pulled me close. “I love you, Cassie. Don’t make me say it again. Once a day is probably all you’re gonna get.”

  Joy was running through my veins instead of the blood that had been there a couple moments ago. But there was no way he was getting away with this! “You leave me alone in Mexico and disappear for a couple more weeks and you don’t even call me or text me or anything and now all of a sudden you’re in love with me?”

  “Shut up,” he said. His arms came around me and his mouth came down on mine. After we had both kissed so hard we nearly fell over, he raised his lips to say, “You talk too much. You always did.”

  I laughed again, hearing my own voice ringing out. But after another long kiss, I said, “Sometimes a couple has to talk. I mean, I love you, you love me…now what?”

  He grinned. “Now we fuck?”

  I poked him in his rock-hard shoulder. “Shane, you have to give me something. Some tiny hope that you’re not going to keep disappearing on me and leaving me to wake up alone!”