TONY: Slow Burn (Raging Fire Book 1)

by Kallypso Masters

  “I doubt any firefighter can be on the job as long as you have without experiencing the horror of the job. Most people wouldn’t have the courage to run into a burning building, but you’re prepared to do it every day. And yet you’re still with the department.”

  By the skin of my teeth if I don’t straighten up.

  And yet, his trigger incident had come in a deluge of water, not flames.

  “Those drownings were the worst thing that’s happened to me on duty. I was so close to rescuing them….” His mind played the scene for the thousandth time. “It was the day after the wedding. I’d gone into work to cook for the guys when the call came in. The small SUV carrying a young mother and her eighteen-month-old daughter had gotten swept off a low roadway just south of the reservoir.

  “Rafe and I crawled out on the ladder, which had been stretched over the river, to extricate them from the roof of their vehicle. They pleaded for our help. I was in the lead, because I was the strongest swimmer if we went into the water. I’d made it onto the roof of the vehicle seconds before a large tree trunk hit it and sent them into the river. I unhooked my safety line and jumped in after them, thinking I could still reach them in time.” The scene played out in slow motion in his head. He paused to catch his breath and slow his heart rate. “Gone in the blink of an eye.”

  Tony’s voice cracked with the retelling. He didn’t realize his hands were trembling until Carmella squeezed them. He took a slow, deep breath. “Ryder and I found the woman in her Broncos shirt and the toddler in her pink outfit the next day.”

  Carm lifted her head again to meet his gaze, concern in her eyes as she stroked his cheek. “Oh, Tony.” She lowered her hand to his chest. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

  He dismissed her words. Tony wasn’t the one who had suffered the most; the victims and their family had.

  “I read about the tragedy in the paper a few days later and that you and Ryder found the victims. My heart bled for you and your crew, Tony, but I had no idea you blamed yourself.”

  “Nobody to blame but me. I was right there but…couldn’t get to them in time.”

  “It wasn’t your fault that they were on that road. You risked your own life to try and save them. You did everything you could do. I know firefighters like to think they can save everyone, but sometimes it just isn’t humanly possible.”

  Tony couldn’t think of anything he’d do differently, although he wished for a better outcome.

  “I’m sure if you talked with the department’s counselors or your supervisors, they would tell you the same thing.”

  “Actually, I’ve been seeing the therapist Rafe recommended. Going to counseling has been some of the toughest work I’ve ever had to do, but I needed to do something about my drinking before it got any worse and started affecting my ability to do my job. I thought things were going better, then last week we had a water rescue with another mother and daughter, and I froze.” He paused a moment. “My command staff made me take some time off to get my head on straight.”

  “I’m glad you joined me here. I hope you found it helpful.”

  “More than I ever expected. You’re easy to be with, Carmella. I had a lot of fun and more than a few unexpected surprises.”

  She smiled briefly then grew serious again. “Do you think you’ll be ready to go back next week?”

  He shrugged. “I had a phone session with my therapist on Tuesday while you were at your refresher diving class.”

  “I’m so glad you’re talking with a professional about all this.”

  He gave a curt nod, relieved that she didn’t think he was a nutcase for needing therapy. “You’re a good listener, Carmella. Most people ask how we’re doing, then try to fill the awkward silences with a barrage of questions or euphemisms.”

  “The military counselors advised my family to do more listening and to let Marc talk when he was ready. Unfortunately, my brother kept it bottled up, not wanting to burden us, I suppose. I guess he did talk with the Marines from his unit. I think he’s opened up to Angelina now too. I’m glad he finally found people he could talk to about it.”

  Did Carmella resent the fact that she hadn’t been one of those people? Regardless, she had become informed about what to do if he did want to share with her. If more family and friends knew how to ask, how to simply listen, maybe the suicide rate among veterans and first responders wouldn’t be so high.

  Of course, how long had Tony gone before opening up to his family? Hell, they’d had to have an intervention just to get his attention.

  Tony kissed her on the forehead. “Thanks for letting me talk about my issues. I haven’t shared the details with anyone outside the department or my therapist’s office until tonight.”

  “I’m honored that you’re comfortable enough with me to share. Everyone needs to find someone they trust enough to share the bad as well as the good with.”

  “Lisa, my therapist, taught me a number of coping mechanisms to use when I have flashbacks or anxiety. She put me into a routine that’s helped lessen the severity and frequency of my nightmares. I might have used some of those techniques with you tonight during the dive.”

  “Really?”

  “Some were things they taught me the other day during the rescue-diving class, but the slow-breathing exercise was straight out of Lisa’s playbook.”

  “I’m glad she’s given you a wide range of tools to use, both for yourself and so that you can help others—like me, in this case.”

  Tony idly stroked her back as he willed his own muscles to relax after tensing up during the recounting. He couldn’t believe how easy it had been to talk with Carmella tonight. That she hadn’t judged him or been disappointed in his inability to be the hero of this story made him love her even more.

  Wait! Hold on a minute! Who said anything about love?

  Admire, yes. Maybe cherish best described his feelings for Carmella. Sure, he loved her in his own way, just not in that way.

  A niggling voice in the back of his mind asked, And why the hell not?

  He thought back on this past week and all that they’d shared.

  “It’s lifted a weight off, having told you. I guess I’d been ashamed of myself and hiding from everyone what was happening.”

  Carmella propped herself up. “Hold on. You said you were having nightmares since the incident in June. Is that why you didn’t want to stay a full night in my bed?”

  “Guilty as charged. I was worried about hurting you in the midst of a nightmare. Even though they don’t happen as often now, I can’t predict when one will come.”

  “I imagine you like to be more in control of things.” She grinned.

  “You’ve noticed?” He sure as hell liked to be in control in bed, whether awake or asleep. “I’m willing to give it a try tonight. I’ve been wanting to go to sleep with you and wake up next to you all week.”

  “I’ll admit that I wondered if not actually falling asleep with me was just a thing with you and your women.”

  Tony didn’t like the way that sounded, although he’d certainly been with more than a few.

  “I’ll admit that I’ve never spent an entire night with a woman before this, Carmella, even before I was worried about having nightmares.”

  Her eyes opened wider, and he wondered if she equated the statement with some indication of how he felt about her. He wasn’t sure how he felt about her yet.

  “You’re not like any other woman I’ve met. I want to spend the night with you, to fall asleep beside you, and to wake up with you in the morning.” Hopefully without any nightmares in between.

  She smiled. “I’d like that too.”

  A weight lifted off his shoulders. Well, at least the weight of wondering if she still wanted to have him in her bed all night long. He still had to worry about those nightmares returning and freaking her out.

  “That doesn’t mean I’m not still worried about having a nightmare.”

  “Why don’t we worry about th
at if and when it happens? When’s the last time you’ve had one.”

  He gave her a lopsided grin. “I guess it’s been a while. Maybe I am worrying unnecessarily.”

  “I think you might be. It sounds like you’ve found the perfect coping mechanisms to keep them at bay most of the time.”

  “Diving has been a godsend,” he began. “I never realized how much peace could be found by being on a regulator under the water.”

  “Isn’t it amazing how you can shut everything else out when you’re down there?”

  He nodded. “I’m just glad I saw that diving photo of you before our dinner earlier this summer. That’s what brought diving onto my radar right after that when Lisa shared a list of activities that might help with my anxiety. When I saw scuba diving on the list, I gravitated right to it and started classes soon after. Carmella, you’ve helped me in ways you don’t even know.”

  A slow smile came across her face as a blush crept into her cheeks. “That means a lot to me, Tony.” He was glad she accepted credit for her part in his coming to this decision. “And I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed having someone to dive with this week.”

  He’d connected with Carmella in ways he’d never experienced with anyone else. Very much in tune with her, they’d communicated easily with their hands and bodies. He enjoyed being with her, celebrating life, and just having fun.

  Carm also seemed to understand the risks inherent with his vocation and how to say the perfect thing to make him feel better on the bad days. He’d grown to trust her this week like he’d never trusted anyone outside his own family.

  He stroked her upper arm, suddenly aware of the electricity arcing between them but trying his damnedest to keep his sexual urges at bay during this tender moment. But dear God, he wanted her more in this moment than he’d ever wanted any woman before.

  “I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I can go to sleep right away.”

  She smiled, leaning closer to him to place a kiss on his lips. “Good. Because I’m not the least bit tired.” Her hand moved down his torso until it grazed over his covered erection. “I wonder what we can do to wear ourselves out enough to fall asleep.”

  On Monday morning, while Tony went for one last run on the beach, Carm stripped the linens from her bed and tossed them in a pile next to the towels. After the last two nights, Carm believed that their fling would continue after they landed at Eagle Vail. At least for the short term.

  Stop worrying about the future. Live in the moment.

  This week had been an eye-opener for her. She and Tony had gotten along wonderfully—in and out of bed. Aside from incredible sex and the fact that he’d shared some things with her that he hadn’t shared with many people, they also now shared a passion for diving. She could see them going on future dive trips like this one. And while their opportunities would be limited in Colorado, Tony had done some diving there. Scuba in a mountain lake didn’t immediately thrill her, but Tony had mentioned a number of Colorado lakes with submerged towns—one as close as Dillon—that would make for interesting dives. Neighboring Utah had even more and would be a great getaway destination for them.

  Look at you planning your next trip without even consulting with Tony.

  For them to find time together, it would take a lot of coordination and flexibility. While they both led busy lives back home, she hoped they’d make plans to be together so they could continue to explore their relationship. She truly felt that they had a relationship after Tony had opened up to her two nights ago. She sensed that he wasn’t one to show vulnerability with anyone, especially with a woman. That he’d chosen to do so with her meant a lot. His worries about having a nightmare hadn’t come to be, thank goodness. He probably would need time to become comfortable sleeping with her, but if they were going to date long-distance, then they would have to spend some nights together, especially after the Pass closed.

  In addition, the demands of their jobs would make an ongoing relationship hard to sustain. If they ever decided to take their budding relationship to the next level, would one of them be willing to give up their career so they could live together without spending up to four hours a day commuting? Could Carm do that? She wasn’t sure. The resort was her life and her livelihood, and she wouldn’t let her family down by shirking her duties. Tony only worked three days a week at the most with two days off in between. Would those intermittent days off be enough? Would he consider transferring to the Aspen fire department?

  No, she wouldn’t ask that of him. His plans for starting up a dive team would have him even more entrenched at his hometown station.

  Why was she even thinking about all this? Wait until you see if he even wants to keep seeing you when we go home.

  Carm picked up the linens and carried them downstairs to the front hall where the renter’s agreement had stated she should leave everything before locking up the place. She tossed them on top of the ones Tony had brought down earlier and headed to the kitchen to load the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher.

  Tony came in through the patio door wiping the sweat off his chest with one of the pool towels. Her heart skipped a beat at his muscular chest wet with sweat from his exertion. Would they have time for one last skinny dip before heading to the airport in a couple of hours?

  “Good run?”

  “Best ever. I’m going to miss running on the wet sand. Sure beats the hard pavement.”

  Are you going to miss me too?

  Hearing how pathetic that sounded in her head, but she was grateful she hadn’t spoken aloud.

  “I’m going to grab a shower. I’ll get the bags from upstairs before I come back down. Need me to do anything else?”

  She shook her head. “Just toss the towels over the railing when you’re finished. And take one last stroll with me on the beach before we head to the airport.”

  “Sounds great.” Despite his obvious exertion, he wasn’t even breathing hard.

  Carm closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around his warm body. He smelled of soap and sweat. “I’m so glad you came down to be with me this week, Tony. Your being here made this trip so special.”

  Tony wrapped his arms around her too. “You sure as hell brightened up my week, principessa. I can’t thank you enough for letting me be a part of this with you.”

  He leaned in and gave her a chaste kiss that was over before it started. She hid her disappointment.

  “What are your plans for when you get back home?” she probed, making no move to leave his arms.

  “I’m not scheduled to be back on duty until Wednesday morning.”

  Great! Maybe he’d stay at her place Monday and Tuesday nights.

  “But I have a lot to do to get the dive team up and running.” While predicted, his words dashed any hope.

  She put on a smile to hide her disappointment. “I think it’s wonderful that you’re going to be working on this for your community.” Even if I selfishly wish you’d spend that time with me. “Anytime you want a break to go for a hike or have dinner or something, you know where to find me.”

  He brushed the hair back from her face. “I’d like that. I’m going to miss you, Carm, much more than I’ll miss this place.” He bent down to kiss her again with more tenderness. She’d have preferred passion, but there wasn’t much time left for that. The vacation bubble was about to burst; she only hoped their bubbles weren’t about to drift apart on the wind.

  When he broke away, she thought she detected a similar sense of sadness in his eyes. “Want to join me in the shower before our Uber shows up?”

  “Actually, I was thinking a skinny dip might be refreshing.”

  He grinned and squeezed her ass with one hand. “I like how you think. Last one in is a rotten egg.” With that he started shucking off his running shorts, but he was no match for her. They cannonballed into the water at about the same time, surfacing and seeking each other out for another long kiss. His hand moved to her breast, cupping it while pinching her nipp
le. The urgency of their subsequent lovemaking was fast and furious, and all too soon, they were drying off.

  Carm watched him walk into the kitchen to make their final preparations to leave. She was going to have a post-vacation crash of monumental proportions. But they couldn’t stay in this vacation bubble forever. Time to return home and see if there was any hope for them to build on what they started this week.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Rafe asked Tony to hang around for the shift-change briefing between officers. Tony wanted to hit the road to Aspen as soon as possible. He was going to see Carmella for the first time since they’d parted at the airport nine days ago. The separation had been torture for him, although he’d been so busy Tony wasn’t sure when he would have fit in time for Carm anyway.

  Consumed by plans for the dive team, he’d lain in bed at night going over the day, but his thoughts always returned to Carmella. He’d never realized how lonely his bed could be. All they could do was talk on the phone late at night about their day and make plans for when they might see each other again.

  Sitting around the kitchen table, Tony waited to hear what the command staff had decided about his dive-team idea. His lieutenant took a sip from his own mug before delivering the verdict.

  “Basically, the fire chief’s completely behind you as long as you can find your own way to fund it without going to the county board of commissioners with hat in hand.”

  No big surprise.

  But Tony couldn’t hide the excitement bubbling up inside. They hadn’t nixed the idea. Over time, he could show the politicians that their community would benefit from having its own dive team.

  “Glad to see you excited about this, Tony,” Rafe began, “but don’t bite off more than you can chew. Give yourself enough time to do this thing right.” Always the big brother.