The Swan Maid

by Dilly Court

  ‘I’m sorry. I was forgetting your suffering, but I have endured agonies that you cannot imagine.’ Lottie went to the table and poured a generous measure of brandy. She pressed the glass into Lady Aurelia’s hand. ‘I can see that you are in pain, but please tell me what happened to Gideon.’

  ‘My husband saw to it that Farrell was punished and humiliated, which is why I cannot mourn Dashwood’s passing. There was a hearing of sorts, and Farrell was given the choice of facing court-martial and dishonourable discharge or being dispatched to India. He was led to believe that I had died in the French hospital, and he accepted his punishment without question, or so Dashwood told me with obvious enjoyment.’

  ‘But what happened to Gideon? He’d done nothing wrong.’

  ‘He was deemed guilty by association. He and his comrade had given us shelter in the telegraph station, although they had no choice in the matter. Farrell was the superior officer and they had to obey his orders. Farrell left for India three months ago and your man went with him.’

  Lottie sank down on the nearest chair. It was too much to take in all at once. ‘That seems so unfair, my lady.’

  ‘If anyone was at fault it was I for encouraging Farrell to break the rules.’

  ‘He loves you, my lady. He would have done anything for you.’

  ‘And look where it led him. Disgrace and dishonour, and banishment from England for as long as the powers that be consider the suitable punishment for his crime of loving too much.’

  ‘They will come home eventually, my lady.’

  ‘I cannot wait for that, which is why I sent for you.’

  ‘You’re surely not thinking about travelling to India, are you?’

  ‘That’s exactly what I plan to do, and I want you to accompany me.’ Aurelia turned her head so that Lottie could see the full extent of her injury. ‘Do you think he will still love me when he sees this disfigured countenance?’

  ‘If you doubt him, why put yourself through such an ordeal? Why not wait until you are stronger and more able to stand the long voyage?’

  ‘You see, even you have your doubts. I need to test Farrell’s love for me. I want to know if it’s me he wants, or my money.’

  ‘How can you doubt him, my lady? He risked everything to be with you.’

  ‘I am doubly wealthy now. My husband left me properties and a small fortune, as well as his wretched pig. I was in half a mind to have her sent to join him in the afterlife. We could dine for weeks on salt pork and bacon.’

  ‘You wouldn’t do that, my lady.’

  A hint of a smile curved Aurelia’s full lips. ‘No, the poor thing is not to blame for his obsession. Hansford is going to take her to my estate on the outskirts of Bath where she will no doubt breed piglets by the dozen, and live out her days in comfort.’ Aurelia held out her empty glass. ‘Pour me another, Lottie. Brandy and laudanum help take the pain away.’

  Lottie did as she asked, only this time she was not so generous with the brandy. ‘When were you thinking of travelling, my lady?’

  ‘The ship bound for Bombay sails on Monday, New Year’s Eve.’ Aurelia snatched the glass from Lottie’s hand, and drank deeply.

  ‘But that doesn’t give me time to go home and see my family. I need to explain my sudden departure and I have to collect my things.’

  ‘You can put it all in a letter and I’ll have it delivered by a messenger. As to clothes, I have trunks filled with gowns of every colour and style more suitable to your position as my companion. You are welcome to pick and choose.’

  Lottie sat down again, staring at Aurelia in surprise. ‘Are you saying that you want me to be your travelling companion, and not your maid?’

  ‘I have no women friends. You and I have been through too much together to be servant and mistress, and I trust you. Didn’t I hand my child over to you?’

  ‘You did, indeed.’

  ‘Is she well?’

  ‘Molly is much-loved and thriving, my lady.’

  ‘She must be nearly a year old by now.’

  ‘She will have her first birthday in two months’ time,’ Lottie said, smiling proudly. ‘She has several teeth and she’s crawling and trying to pull herself up to stand. I don’t think it will be long before she can talk.’

  Aurelia sipped her drink. ‘She will call someone else Mama. It won’t be me.’

  ‘We can rectify that, my lady. You have only to say the word and I’ll fetch her from Whitechapel. It will break our hearts to lose her, but you are her mother and she should be with you.’

  ‘I have no maternal feelings. I don’t want to be burdened with a child, but I will send money to support her. You and your friends should not suffer for my mistakes.’

  Lottie jumped to her feet. ‘She was not a mistake. Molly is a beautiful little girl and she deserves to know her own mother.’

  ‘Sit down, Lottie, please. I am not strong enough to face an argument about the child. Suffice it to say that I am happy to know that she is well cared for and loved. Before we leave I will instruct my lawyer to make funds available for her upkeep.’

  ‘She has a name,’ Lottie said angrily. ‘She is a person in her own right, and she is your flesh and blood.’

  ‘So you keep telling me, but motherhood is not for me. If you are truly my friend you will do as I ask, and stop questioning my motives.’

  ‘I am your friend, and I do want to see Gideon again, but I would like to tell my family in person.’

  ‘Impossible. If you go back to Whitechapel you might be persuaded to stay there, and then what would I do? I cannot travel all that way on my own, and I need you with me. If you love Ellis, you will agree to my terms.’ Aurelia put her head on one side, eyeing Lottie thoughtfully. ‘Didn’t you tell me once that you were born in India, and that your father served with the Bombay Sappers and Miners? You must surely want to see him again.’

  Lottie was silent for a moment, torn between loyalty to her adopted family and her desire to see Gideon. Her father was a shadowy figure from the past and she could hardly remember what he looked like, but the mention of him brought back happy memories from long ago, making it almost impossible to refuse, and she nodded slowly. ‘All right. I will come with you, and I accept your offer to support Molly while I am away. I think they can manage the eel pie and mash shop without me.’

  ‘An eel pie and mash shop? What is that exactly?’ Suddenly alert, Aurelia stared at her, eyebrows raised. ‘It sounds disgusting.’

  ‘Eels are the food of the poor, my lady. I wouldn’t expect you to know about such things.’

  ‘I can see that you and I will have many lively conversations now that you are to be my companion. I didn’t think you had it in you to stand up to me.’

  Lottie reached out and took the empty glass from Aurelia’s hand. ‘If you really want us to be equals you’ll find out all sorts of things about me that you didn’t know.’

  ‘I think I need another drink.’ Aurelia eased herself back against the cushions. ‘My head aches.’

  ‘An excess of brandy is bad for you. Why don’t I ring for Tilda and order a tray of tea and some bread and butter or cake? I doubt if you’ve eaten today.’

  ‘I said I wanted a friend and companion, not a governess. I am grown up enough to know what I want.’

  Lottie moved to the mantelshelf and tugged at the bell pull. ‘Tea it is, then.’

  Once again they were at sea, only this time the ship was bound for India. Tom Bonney accompanied them as far as Gibraltar, where he disembarked and joined a screw steamer bound for Balaklava. Lottie did not envy him his return to the battlefield, although he assured her that the war was virtually at an end and it was only a matter of time before a treaty was signed. She had enjoyed Tom’s company but now he had gone she was left to face the rest of the voyage with Aurelia, who kept mainly to her cabin, insisting on having her meals brought to her and refusing steadfastly to join their fellow passengers in the dining saloon. If she did venture out on deck she was heavily
veiled, despite Lottie’s assurance that the scar on her face was barely noticeable.

  ‘Are you going to be like this when we reach Bombay?’ Lottie demanded one day when Aurelia tried her patience to the limit. ‘Lieutenant Gillingham risked everything for you. His career is ruined and he is in exile because of his love for you. Do you really think him so shallow that a scar will make a difference to the way he feels?’

  ‘Don’t nag me, Lottie. I will know by the way he looks at me. If I am repulsive to him I will see it in his eyes. Farrell cannot keep anything from me.’

  Lottie snatched up a silver-backed hand mirror and held it in front of Aurelia’s face. ‘Look at yourself. What do you see?’

  ‘Don’t be cruel.’ Aurelia raised her hand to shield her eyes. ‘You know very well that I am not the woman I was.’

  Lottie pulled her hand away. ‘The scar is only a tiny part of you. Where is the spirited woman I served a year ago? Where is the smile that captured men’s hearts? You are still the same person, Aurelia de Morgan Dashwood. The attraction you exuded was not simply due to a pretty face.’

  Reluctantly, Aurelia took the mirror and gazed at her reflection. ‘I fear that woman is gone.’

  Lottie grabbed her shoulders and shook her. ‘Stop it. Stop behaving like a spoiled six-year-old. You are hiding behind that scar, and if you don’t find the old Aurelia you will lose Gillingham. Show him that miserable expression and self-pitying attitude and he’ll run a mile, or he will if he’s got any sense. Who would want to live with a woman who was permanently wallowing in misery?’

  Tears ran unchecked down Aurelia’s pale cheeks. ‘Why are you being so cruel? I thought you were my friend.’

  ‘It’s because I care for you that I’m saying these things.’ Lottie sank down on the bunk, shaking her head. ‘I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself. You have to take control of your life again. Stop dulling your senses with laudanum and brandy and be as you were before all this happened.’

  Aurelia held her hand to her head. ‘I know you’re right, Lottie. The woman you speak of is buried inside me, afraid to show herself.’

  ‘The women I knew wasn’t afraid of anything,’ Lottie said softly. ‘She is still here. You are still the same, if only you could make yourself believe it. Don’t wait until we reach Bombay to find yourself.’

  ‘I don’t know how.’

  ‘You can start by joining me for dinner in the saloon.’

  ‘I can’t face meeting strangers.’

  ‘I sit at a table with two elderly missionary ladies who are joining their brother in Delhi, and three clerks who work for the East India Company and their extremely plain wives, and also there are a couple of very dull government officials. You have nothing to fear from any of them.’

  ‘But I’ve been confined to my cabin for three weeks. What do I say to them?’

  ‘I told them you were a martyr to mal de mer. They understood perfectly, and I took the liberty of telling them that you had suffered terrible injuries in the Crimea, where you were bravely supporting your husband.’

  ‘So they’re expecting to see a disfigured hag.’

  ‘No, they’ll welcome you into their midst as a heroine, and, anyway, what does it matter? We’ll be in their company for the next few weeks and after that we’ll never see them again. Consider this as practice for when you take your place in society, whether it’s in Bombay, Poona or London. You are Lady Aurelia Dashwood, an earl’s daughter, as you used to keep telling me.’

  A faint smile lit Aurelia’s blue eyes. ‘I wasn’t a very nice person, was I?’

  ‘You had your moments, but you were good to me and your smile could light up a room. I won’t allow you to dwindle away like a guttering candle.’

  ‘You make me ashamed of myself, Lottie. I will accompany you to the dining saloon and be damned to those who look at me askance.’

  ‘I think you underestimate your fellow human beings. People are much kinder than you imagine.’

  ‘Help me dress, Lottie. You’ve put me in a fighting mood, and I’ll test out your theory this evening at dinner. We’ll see how these colonial worthies react to me.’

  Aurelia’s reintroduction into society was not seamless, but gradually, day by day, she became easier in company and by the time they reached Bombay she was the queen of the dining saloon and the darling of the crew. She had the sympathy of all who came into contact with her and they listened avidly to her accounts of war in the Crimea, but Lottie knew that Aurelia’s outward show of confidence was a façade to hide the fears that beset her. It was one thing to travel hopefully, but as they stepped ashore in Bombay, Lottie was conscious that this was just the start of what might prove to be a triumph or a terrible disaster.

  Aurelia stood on the dock, heavily veiled and seemingly at a loss as to what to do next. Her former ability to command had deserted her and Lottie realised that she would have to take charge. She hailed a coolie, giving him instructions in the few Hindi words that she remembered from her childhood, and he piled their luggage onto a trolley, beckoning to them to follow him. They edged their way through the throngs of newly arrived visitors, seamen and dockyard workers to where a line of tongas were waiting to transport passengers to their final destination.

  ‘Railway station – we want to go to Poona.’ Lottie spoke slowly, enunciating each word.

  The coolie repeated their destination and the tonga wallah responded. ‘Bori Bunder station,’ he said proudly.

  In the end they had to hire two tongas, one for themselves and the other to take the amount of baggage that Aurelia considered the bare minimum. She sat stiffly beside Lottie as they drove at a snail’s pace through the packed, dusty streets where cows wandered freely, as if they were in an English meadow, and elephants carrying howdahs lumbered amongst them. The smells of animal dung and human excrement mingled oddly with the more fragrant scent of exotic spices. Baskets of bright- yellow marigolds spilled petals into the dust, and the vibrant colours of the women’s saris glowed like jewels in the sunlight. All this was in startling contrast to the drabness of London streets in winter. Memories came flooding back to Lottie with a wave of sadness as she thought of her mother and her small brother and sister, taken from her too soon.

  Aurelia held her handkerchief to her nose. ‘This place is worse than Balaklava,’ she said in a low voice as the tonga jolted over ruts in the road. ‘I hope Poona proves to be more salubrious.’

  ‘Are you certain that’s where they were posted? I know it’s a bit late to worry about it now, but India is a big country.’

  ‘That was the information Tom gave me, and he should know. I’m acquainted with the camp commandant at Poona, Major Tressillian; we met once in London and he was very taken with me. His wife, however, did not approve. No doubt she will take great pleasure in my misfortune.’

  Lottie sighed. ‘There you go again, Aurelia. You must stop thinking like that. Mrs Tressillian would have to be a very mean woman to take pleasure in your misfortune, as you call it. Remember how popular you were on board ship. You charmed everyone.’

  ‘That may be the problem. I was a flirt, I admit it, and I dislike most of my sex, apart from you, of course.’

  ‘Perhaps you didn’t give other women the chance to befriend you. I think you’ll find things will be different from now on.’

  ‘You mean that the army wives will pity me.’

  ‘Not at all. I think they will admire your bravery, and if you are a little less charming when in the company of their husbands, the women will warm to you.’

  ‘It’s going to be hard,’ Aurelia said, sighing, ‘but I’ll try.’

  ‘I think we’re approaching the station.’ Lottie leaned forward, peering through the cloud of dust thrown up by the horse’s hoofs. ‘I can smell smoke and engine oil. It reminds me of London.’

  The tonga wallah drew his horse to a halt and they were immediately surrounded by coolies offering their services. Lottie paid the fare, and their luggage was seiz
ed by willing hands. The clerk in the ticket office spoke English and he announced proudly that the line to Poona had only recently been opened by the Great Indian Peninsular Railway Company. There would be a train in an hour and if the memsahibs would like to pass the time in the newly built ‘Ladies Only’ waiting room, they would be more comfortable.

  ‘The local people are very polite and helpful,’ Lottie whispered as they followed the coolies to a wooden building adjacent to the platform.

  ‘They only want our money,’ Aurelia said tersely.

  Lottie sighed, shaking her head. ‘I thought you had turned over a new leaf.’

  ‘I have,’ Aurelia said hurriedly. ‘Of course you’re right. He was being very polite and helpful.’ She swept into the tiny room and sank down on the wooden bench. ‘Are you going to keep pulling me up every time I slip back into my old ways?’

  Lottie dismissed the coolies with a smile and a generous tip. ‘Yes,’ she said, smiling. ‘One day it will come naturally to you.’

  ‘A year ago I would have dismissed you without a character for your impertinence.’

  ‘Yes, you would, but I’m not in your employ now.’

  ‘Oh Lord! I never thought to offer you a wage for being my companion.’

  ‘You can’t put a price on friendship,’ Lottie said, chuckling. ‘Don’t even think about it, Aurelia. You’ve brought me home. My family are here, as well as the man I hope one day to marry. What more could I ask?’

  Aurelia pushed her veil back from her face, fanning herself with her hand. ‘Oh, well, if you’re happy to go on as we are I shan’t argue with you. This place is like an oven. For heaven’s sake open the door.’ She hesitated, eyeing Lottie warily. ‘Please.’

  They waited for over an hour in the heat of midday, refreshed by cups of tea from the chai wallah, who fortuitously turned up when he was most needed. The platform remained empty until the rumble of the approaching engine made the wooden building shake to its foundations, and suddenly people appeared seemingly from nowhere, pushing and crowding round the carriage doors as the train came to a screeching halt. Lottie and Aurelia stepped into the seething mass, which parted instantly on the arrival of the coolies with their luggage. Within minutes they were ensconced in the first-class compartment, which was basic but clean and moderately comfortable.