Black Number Four

by Kandi Steiner

  It’s awkwardly quiet now, not even the sound of the TV to distract any of us. I shake my head and smile, faking it as best I can. “The real issue at hand is that we need to get my Little out of this damn house. She needs a date. When is the New Member Bonfire?”

  “It’s Thursday, the day before Valentine’s Day.”

  “How convenient,” I mumble under my breath. “Well, that’s perfect. Little, get your homework done because we are getting you laid.”

  “Yes!” She thrusts her fist into the air triumphantly. “No Violet Vulvas for me!”

  “You’re so lucky I’m out of pillows,” Jess says, glaring. We all laugh and I unmute the television, each of us snuggling into the covers as The Backup Plan starts playing again. As much stress as I feel from Erin and the girls to keep my shit in line, I also feel a sense of relief. I’ve spent the last week tearing myself apart thinking Kip was mad at me – and not because of Erin or her stupid plan, but because of my own selfish reasons. Now that I realize he’s probably just at his initiation retreat, I feel my chest loosen, my breaths come easier. I have the girls’ voices telling me to back off my feelings in one ear and my heart screaming loudly to let go in the other. My head is swimming with thoughts and I have no idea how to sort through them.

  I sigh, pulling the covers up and over my shoulders. Cassie leans her head on my shoulder and I drop mine onto her head. At the end of the day, there’s nothing to sort through. I can’t have Kip. Period. End of story. I need to repeat it.

  I can’t have Kip Jackson.

  I can’t have Kip Jackson.

  I feel my eyelids grow heavy, Jennifer Lopez’s voice lulling me to sleep.

  I can’t have Kip Jackson.

  I can’t have Kip Jackson.

  Just before I drift off to sleep, the words morph on their own.

  I will have Kip Jackson.

  After Writing for Television class, I make up a bogus story about Kip having mono as an excuse for his absence last week and today. I tell Dr. O’Neal I can give Kip my notes but that he obviously wasn’t here to turn in his paper and I know he loves this class and that he probably has it done but just can’t bring it in. I’m scrambling, I know I sound like an idiot, but screenwriting is important to Kip and I don’t want his grade getting fucked up over a frat trip.

  Dr. O’Neal smiles and shakes his head. “It’s okay, Miss Thorne. Kip turned in his paper via email. And I’m perfectly aware of his… illness. I was a Greek once too, you know.” He winks and I offer a shy smile.

  “Thanks, Dr. O. I didn’t know that, actually.”

  “I know, I know,” he says, looking down at his eccentric clothes – blue bow tie, bright yellow suspenders – now that I think about it, it is kind of fratty in a way. “I don’t exactly dance to the same drum as most fraternity brothers, but that’s what my frat liked most about me, I think. Sometimes it pays to be different.”

  I smile at that last line, thinking that Kip would completely agree with him. He nods once more before gathering the last of his things and leaving the class room. I pull out my phone, debating whether or not to text Kip. I type out a few different options, erasing them all and finally deciding to just shove my phone back in my bag. The New Member Bonfire is tonight and I know the drill – he won’t be allowed to have his phone until the fire is lit.

  My stomach is in knots thinking about the fire – what he’ll say to me, what he’ll look like, if he’ll even look at me, if he’ll be different, if he’ll ask me to the dance. That last one is what bothers me most. I want to go to the dance with him, which is what makes it so hard because if nothing has changed, then I know he’ll probably ask me, which is what I want but what I actually don’t want at the same damn time. Because if he asks me, that means I’ll have tomorrow to get my story together on why we can’t be together. I’ll have to end everything for good so he can run into the willing arms of Erin, which I know won’t happen anyway.

  Will it?

  He says Erin is in his past, but if I ditch him, will that change? Erin makes what they had back then sound so amazing, so maybe he will be tempted to go back to that – to find it again with her.

  My head swims and my stomach turns at the thought of watching them be together. That’s the end goal, that’s what I’m supposed to be working for, and yet it literally makes my skin crawl. I don’t know if I could be around them.

  Snap out of it, Skyler.

  I have to let him go. I have to not care. There isn’t another option in this game, no matter how badly I wish there was.

  When I reach my room, Jess and Ashlei are browsing through my closet.

  “Oh good, you’re home. Try these on.” Ashlei tosses a handful of hoodies in my direction, some mine and some I’ve never seen before. Everyone in the Greek community goes to the New Member Bonfire. It’s the first time the pledges, now new members, get to wear double stitched letters. Everyone else wears their letters, too – it’s similar to rush but with a completely different feel.

  “Are you seriously dressing me up for the bonfire? It’s a bonfire… like, outside, in the dirt.”

  “And? You need to look fucking hot, Sky. Try these on so we can see which one flatters you more and then we can pick accessories. And you’re lucky it’s in the dirt. We’ll settle for cute boots, though wedges would look much better.”

  “You’re not freezing my toes off to look cute at a New Member Bonfire.”

  “I said we’ll settle for boots, grumpy pants,” Jess reiterates. “Did you forget that Kip is going to be there and you haven’t talked to him or seen him in over a week?”

  “Oh! Kip is going to be there? Well I’ll be damned. Must have slipped my mind.” I roll my eyes, pulling the first hoodie option over my head. They both shake their head in unison and I move to the next.

  “We’re just trying to help,” Ashlei says.

  I sigh, showing the next option – a light blue zip up hoodie with bright pink KKB letters.

  “Oh, I love that one! Brings out the blue in your eyes and you could show some cleavage. Put that one in the maybe pile.”

  “I know you’re just trying to help,” I say, unzipping the hoodie and throwing it to the side. “I appreciate it, I do. I’m just…”

  “Nervous? Scared?”

  “Yes,” I mumble, my eyes on the ground. “I just really need to push him away tonight while also making him think I’m still completely into him. It’s a mess… I’m a mess.”

  “You’ve got this, Sky,” Jess says encouragingly. “Who has the best poker face in the game? Who can bluff their way out of a speeding ticket? Who can play every single boy for a complete fool and leave them begging for more?”

  I don’t answer, so Ashlei moves over, grabbing another hoodie option and placing it in my hands. “You, that’s who. I’ve never seen a girl who can play the dating game as well as you do. You get to have the fun you want without all the drama because somehow you keep every guy at just the right distance. Don’t let this kid get under your skin. You’re so close to being done with this stupid game and then you can focus on your tournament in May and more importantly, Spring Break.” We all laugh a little at that and I can’t help but feel inspired by their words.

  “You girls are right. I do this all the time, I don’t know why I’m letting him get to me.”

  “Just brush him off. Pick out a pair of ripped, tight-as-fuck jeans and a hot sweater and we’ll do your hair and makeup. You’ll look and feel sexy and invincible and before you know it, you’ll be breaking his heart and moving on. End of story, next book.”

  I nod, though the thought still makes me feel sick. “Okay, let’s do this. Make me pretty.”

  Ashlei shakes her head. “You’re already pretty, we’re just going to make you feel it.”

  Jess and Ashlei smile and I pause for a second before pulling them both into a hug. It’s overwhelming sometimes how much they do to help me. I could never put an outfit together without them unless it was jeans and a t-shirt. They d
on’t have to do this for me, but they do it because they love me. And regardless of us masking it under making me “look hot”, it’s more than that – these girls, my sisters - they know the key to making me feel my best. And when I feel my best, I play my best. And when I play my best, I win.

  I need to win tonight.

  I have to win tonight.

  No more falling, no more letting my guard down – it’s poker face time. Put on a show, leave him begging for more. Bing, bang, boom – done.

  The girls finally agree on the blue zip up and the tightest pair of jeans I own. They frame my ass nicely and have small rips down the front, exposing my thighs. It’s still early, so we head downstairs to make lunch, Jess and Ashlei still arguing about whether my hair should be up or down tonight.

  “Are you ready for this?” Jess asks as we reach the kitchen.

  I nod, feeling the confidence settling inside me again. I don’t want to hurt Kip, but this is the only way. It’s like a band-aid I’ve been peeling at slowly and now I’m finally ready to rip it off and get it over with. Poker face on, walls up – game time.

  “I’ve got this.”

  I have to admit, after the exchange I had with Adam a couple weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if joining a fraternity was the right move. I started to question myself, to wonder if all I was doing was distracting from Skyler and what I have to do here. But now, wearing the double-stitched Alpha Sigma letters and sitting around the bonfire with my new brothers, I know with absolute positivity that I made one of the best decisions of my life.

  When I showed up to the fraternity house a week and a half ago after Skyler left my place, I had no idea what to expect. The text was vague – just demanding that all pledges report. On the way to the house, I ran through the notes from my new member book in my head, reciting founders, dates, principles and values. I expected a quiz, another ice bath, hell an obstacle course – but I would never have guessed what actually waited for me.

  When I arrived, I stepped through the door to an empty house. Once the door closed behind me, a bag was thrown over my head and I was taken to our secret initiation location.

  I was scared shitless, not only of initiation but of leaving things with Skyler the way they were. The older brothers took our phones and we only had one day with internet to turn in our school assignments and one phone call to our parents. They watched over our shoulders the entire time, I had no chance to reach out to her.

  I have no idea what’s going through her head right now, and that scares me more than having a bag thrown over my head ever could.

  “You’re gripping that cup a little tight there, bro,” Kade says, motioning to the red plastic cup now slightly dented in my hand. I switch hands and stretch out my fingers, trying to loosen up and let the tension out. More and more people are showing up to the bonfire, dressed in their letters and already getting buzzed. I scan the crowd for Skyler, maybe a little too eagerly, but I’m past caring about how I look at this point.

  “Sorry. I’m just nervous to see Skyler tonight,” I say, a little more openly than I expected. I guess after spending almost two weeks together learning everything there is to know about each other and our fraternity, shit like that comes out easier than before. Of course, I didn’t exactly tell my brothers everything about myself.

  Some things are just meant to be kept secret.

  “Why? Afraid she’s found someone else to bone in the week you’ve been gone?”

  I punch his arm. “No, dick, I’m not. I just… when I got the call to go to the house, we were on weird terms. Things were just kind of left hanging while I was gone and I don’t like it. I don’t know what she’s thinking.”

  “Well, hopefully for you she’s thinking about how badly she wants to get you out of here tonight,” he says, winking. I roll my eyes.

  “You can’t think of anything except sex right now, can you?”

  “Hey,” he says defensively. “We’ve been cooped up with a group of fifty guys for over a week. If you’re not thinking about getting laid, I think it’s you that’s the odd one.”

  Kade laughs and claps me on the back, standing to grab another beer. I sip on mine, torn between the want to chug it down and ease my nerves and the need to stay sober enough to not make a fool of myself when Skyler gets here. My leg bounces anxiously and I find myself gripping the cup again but I don’t try to correct it.

  By eleven, I’ve given up on trying not to drink and the hope that Skyler will show up. Kade and I are playing beer pong against two Delta Beta Gamma girls and I’m slamming back the cups without hesitation now. I’m pissed, I’m confused, and most of all I’m scared I fucked up the entire reason I’m here. Might as well get drunk.

  The chesty brunette sinks a cup and I grab it before the ball has even settled in the beer and throw it back. When I finish and set the empty cup down, fishing out the ball to take my shot, I’m met with a pair of baby blue eyes just behind the girls.

  Skyler, Erin, Skyler’s Little and a couple other girls are grouped together, drinking and talking, but Skyler stares directly at me. She’s dressed in a zip up hoodie and I assume there’s nothing underneath because I can see her cleavage from here. It makes me want to walk straight up to her and zip it up to her neck and yet at the same time I consider yanking the zipper down instead so I can take her right here and now.

  She stares at me curiously and I can’t for the life of me decipher what those blue pools are trying to tell me. She’s not quite smiling, but her face is calm as she appraises me. Her chestnut hair is gently blowing around her face, catching on her lip gloss every now and then. A hint of a smile starts to play at her lips and she turns away, walking with the girls to the other side of the fire.

  What the actual fuck was that?

  I know she saw me – hell, she looked straight at me. But she didn’t come say hi, she didn’t wave, she didn’t even fucking smile. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

  My stomach is in even worse knots now. Although I was nervous about her showing up, the bigger part of me knew everything was fine and we’d fall right back into our rhythm we had before I left. But apparently I was wrong. She’s pissed, or hurt, or sad, or whatever the fuck that face meant and hell if I know the first thing to do to figure it out.

  Chesty brunette clears her throat. “It’s your turn, hot shot.” She leans suggestively over the table, pushing her boobs up even more. “Hope you don’t mind a little distraction.” She winks.

  I pull my eyes from Skyler and throw the ball, sinking it into the back right cup. Kade gives me a high five and within the next four turns, I make the remaining cups and the game is over. I’m not as drunk as I’d like to be right now, but I’m done playing games. I need to find Skyler.

  Kade and I fill up our cups at the keg and walk closer to the fire, my eyes scanning for the light blue hoodie. There’s at least three hundred people here now and we’re in a sea of letters. Kade stops several times as we walk, chatting with our brothers and various groups of girls. When I finally spot Skyler again, my feet stop along with my heart. She’s sitting on a bench on the other side of the fire with her Little.

  And Adam.

  My jaw clenches with my fist following suit and I crush the red cup in my hand, splashing beer all over Kade’s jeans.

  “What the hell, man?” Kade yells, wiping at his pants just and making Skyler look our direction. Her eyes catch mine, Adam still talking in her ear as we stare across the flames. I swear I can feel them burning the air between us, burning my skin and branding me with her gaze. An infernal tattoo.

  I don’t even apologize, tossing the remnants of the cup in the nearest trash bin and heading straight for the keg. Kade follows.

  “What’s going on?”

  I grab a new cup and fill it, my eyes still locked on Skyler. Kade follows my gaze just as Adam says something that makes both Skyler and her Little laugh. My jaw clenches again and I have to use all my focus not to crush a second cup.

  “Shit,” he
says, drawing out the word as he turns back to me. “Well that complicates things.”

  “A little,” I agree, my voice hard.

  Kade looks back at them once more before shaking his head. “Whatever man. Brush it off. Come on, let’s go get drunk and see if we can get those DBG girls from the pong game to show us a good time tonight.”

  I follow him, drinking the beer from my cup a little too quickly. I don’t give a fuck about those girls but right now I need something to distract me before I do something I’ll regret.

  Forty three minutes pass. And yes, I’m counting. I check my phone between entertaining the airhead brunette from the pong game. Kade is enjoying himself, but dear God I think I might start faking my intoxication level just so I have an excuse to pass out. I’ve had more fun writing a school paper than I have listening to this girl talk about herself and pretending I give two fucks.

  Finally, Adam leaves Skyler and her Little and heads for the portable bathrooms set up on the other side of the pit. I’ve watched him edge his way closer and closer to Skyler every minute, his legs touching hers eventually. She gripped tight to her cup with both hands as if it were hot chocolate and not beer, but he had one free hand that somehow seemed to always find her knee, or move her hair out of her face, or tug on the strings of her hoodie.

  My blood is boiling.

  “I’ll be right back,” I say quickly to Kade, cutting off Chesty McTitternips in the middle of a sentence. Kade grabs my arm and tries to stop me from going, saying something about keeping my cool or thinking it through, but my eyes are zeroed in on her now and my feet move whether I want them to or not. Before I know it, I’m standing over Skyler, her baby blue eyes looking up at me while everyone else stares at us, waiting. Erin has since taken Adam’s spot on the bench next to Skyler and I feel her eyes boring into me, waiting for me to look at her, too, but I keep my gaze focused on Skyler.

  “Everything okay, Kip?” One of my brothers asks from nearby but I barely hear it.

  “I know I’m probably supposed to say I’m sorry right now, but I’m not going to. I’m not sorry about what happened between us last Sunday, Skyler.” I see Erin’s eyes grow big in my peripheral, her attention turning immediately to Skyler, but I continue anyway. “I am sorry that I had to leave, that I couldn’t talk to you afterward, but you left me first. Remember that. I woke up and you weren’t there. I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry that I didn’t chase after you or call you or make sure you were okay, but I’m not sorry about what happened. I don’t regret it. I want to do it again. Right now, actually.”