Mother’s Only Child

by Anne Bennett

  Barney could scarcely believe it. ‘Please, Maria, for God’s sake.’

  ‘Don’t ask me,’ Maria cried. ‘Don’t look at me that way. Don’t you think I want it as much as you?’

  ‘Then why?’

  ‘It wouldn’t be right.’

  Barney’s frustration came out in anger. ‘Fuck that!’ he cried. ‘Leading a man on and then putting the brakes on. Fine way to show how much you love me and how much you like the ring I paid an arm and leg for. I got something for me to use as well, so it isn’t even as if you’d get pregnant.’

  That did put Maria’s mind at rest a little although she was hurt and somewhat angry at the way Barney had spoken to her. ‘I am pleased with the ring,’ she maintained. ‘I said so. I love it, Barney. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned, and I told you so already, but it’s just—’

  ‘Don’t just tell me, show me,’ Barney pleaded. ‘Show me how pleased you are. Show me how you love me?’

  He had the urge to throw her down and take her by force. But he didn’t have to, for Maria heard the hurt behind the anger. He had bought her the ring, which was his public way of showing her how much he loved her, and also what his intentions towards her were. Now he asked her for something in return. Small wonder he was frustrated and upset when she pushed him away. Surely it was all right now that they were engaged? Well, whether it was or it wasn’t, it was definitely what Barney wanted and expected, and it was Barney, the man she was promised to, that she had to please. So she drew him towards her and kissed him. That kiss told him plainly that she was willing to go as far as he wanted.

  Barney had to meet his brother that night at ten o’clock. After he’d gone, Maria tidied up and prepared for bed, too agitated to return to her mending. Once in bed she went over the encounter with Barney in her head. It was obvious to her that Barney expected sex now they were officially engaged every time they had the opportunity. He was that type of man. At least, she told herself, he took the time to ensure she enjoyed it as much as he did, which few man did if she were to believe some of the women at work.

  She knew whatever state her father was in when he came home, Sean would see to him. She could just go to bed and sleep the sleep of the just. She was bone weary. It was unfortunate, then, that the one night she could do just that, she lay wide-eyed, too keyed up to be able to drift off.

  Maria’s prediction was right and at every opportunity they could, Barney expected sex from Maria. She tried to explain how she felt about that, but he really didn’t want to hear and so in the end she put up with it. She had to admit she often wanted it as much as he did.

  Barney thought the ring worth every penny and told his brother so.

  Work dictated it was three weeks before Sean could visit again, which would be 4 December. As Maria looked at the calendar that morning, as she washed her father before she left for work, she realised she’d not had a period for two months. Her mouth went uncommonly dry and she stiffened.

  ‘What is it?’ Sam asked.

  ‘Nothing,’ Maria forced herself to say.

  She finished her father’s ablutions in record time, galloped up the stairs and, tearing off her jumper and brassiere, stood before the mirror. She saw with a sinking heart the slight darkening of her nipples and the way the blue veins on her breasts were much more prominent than they had been. Those signs, together with the sickly feeling she had woken up with the last two mornings, only pointed to one thing. She’d learnt that much from some of the talk with the women in the factory. It had shocked Maria at first, the way they could discuss the most intimate of things, but now she was grateful for the information.

  Almighty Christ, she was also scared—bloody terrified, in fact. She told herself she was engaged at least, and that Barney loved her. Hadn’t he shown her often enough? He would stand by her, she was sure of it.

  She was glad she had work to occupy her that day. That evening she decided she would pack Sean and her father off to the pub and ask Barney to stay behind a while. He’d be quite willing to do this, thinking she wanted sex, and he could have sex or any other damned thing he liked as long as he agreed to marry her

  Her plan ran like clockwork. Minutes after the door closed behind Sean and Sam, Barney was ensconced on the settee, Maria cuddled in to him as he liked her to do. In his other hand he held a large glass of whiskey.

  ‘Oh, Maria, you must be gasping for it tonight,’ Barney said, kissing her neck. ‘God, I can hardly wait myself.’

  Maria leant forward and kissed Barney gently on the lips. ‘I do want you, Barney, but I need to talk to you first.’

  ‘Sod that, woman,’ Barney said. ‘We’ll talk after.’

  ‘No, please, Barney,’ Maria protested, struggling out of his embrace.

  ‘Oh, all right, but make it snappy,’ he said irritably.

  Maria snuggled back into the crook of Barney’s arm again and said gently, ‘This will probably be a bit of a shock to you, Barney, but I think I am pregnant.’

  Barney sprang to his feet as if he’d been shot, drained his glass with one swallow and poured himself another with hands that shook. It was the very worst news in the world. His senses were reeling.

  Maria watched him pacing the floor in an agitated manner, waiting for the news to sink in and for him to reassure her it would be OK, that he would stand by her and they would be married sooner rather than later, that was all. But when the silence had stretched out between them uncomfortably, she pleaded, ‘Say something, Barney?’

  ‘What would you have me say, congratulations?’ he asked sarcastically.

  ‘No,’ Maria said. ‘Come on. Don’t be like this.’

  ‘Like what?’ Barney demanded. ‘You hit me with the worst news in the whole bloody world and expect me to be happy about it?’

  Maria felt the first flickers of alarm. Surely to God he realised they had to marry? He couldn’t let her be disgraced in this way! She would have said she was sure of Barney, had known him years and understood him perfectly. Yet this Barney seemed like a stranger, one Maria didn’t know and was slightly nervous of. But she wasn’t going to let him see that.

  ‘What’s up with you, anyway? she said. ‘It isn’t as if we hadn’t intended to marry. I mean, we are engaged and all. That is really a prelude to marrying, isn’t it? All this means is putting the marriage forward a bit, that’s all.’

  ‘That’s all,’ Barney mimicked. ‘But I don’t want to get married yet.’

  ‘D’you think I do?’

  ‘Well, it’s what most women want.’

  ‘Eventually, maybe,’ Maria said. ‘But not now, not yet. I didn’t engineer this on my own, Barney. It does take two, you know?’

  ‘Don’t be so clever,’ he snapped. ‘As if I don’t know that.’

  Maria, hurt by Barney’s reaction, began to cry. ‘You must see that we have to marry. Please, Barney. Please, for pity’s sake?’

  She had no pride left. What price pride against the ultimate shame of bringing a bastard child into the world?

  ‘I can’t,’ Barney said. ‘Not just like that, anyway. I need time to think.’

  ‘Surely to God there is nothing to think about?’ Maria said, clutching at him,

  ‘Leave me alone,’ Barney snapped in panic, pushing her clawing hands away.

  Maria sank to her knees, tears streaming down her face, and watched Barney snatch his jacket from the hook behind the door. When the door banged behind him, she lay face down on the mat and cried out in anguish and despair.

  Barney tramped the roads, the tantalising word ‘pregnancy’ with him every step of the way. He thought how unfair life was because after that first time, the day that they took Maria’s mother away, he had always used johnnies. And Maria could never claim he forced her either. She had been like a different person, more than ready, asking him—more begging him—to go on. She was like a bloody harlot who knew the score. Only she didn’t know, not really. Christ, this news must have knocked her for six too. He tur
ned for the village, knowing he had to see his brother.

  He routed him from Raffety’s without been spotted by either Sam or Sean and they went to the green, deserted at that time of night. In a few minutes had told Seamus the news.

  ‘You bloody little fool, I told you—’

  ‘I did get johnnies, like you said,’ Barney protested, adding bitterly, ‘Little did I know it was too bloody late, because it must have happened the first time we did it, the day the mad woman was taken away. Maria was upset and I sort of comforted her and then…well, it was if she’d had a brainstorm. I mean we’d done no more than kiss before, but when I tried it on then, she didn’t stop me. I kept expecting her to, but she didn’t. It was incredible and she’s felt bad about it ever since.’

  ‘Well, it’s proper cooked your goose.’

  ‘I suppose I have got to marry her?’

  ‘If you want to stay in Moville you do,’ Seamus said. ‘I reckon half the village would lynch you if you let her down and they got news of it, and that uncle of hers would beat you to pulp. It isn’t as if you weren’t crazy about her for years, anyway. If you have to go down this road it is surely better to go down it with someone you are halfway fond of.

  ‘I suppose,’ Barney said. ‘And I do still fancy her like crazy.’

  ‘Count yourself one lucky bloke then,’ Seamus said. ‘Many go down the aisle for the same reason, with a woman they are tired of, can’t bear the sight of in some cases. Pity about the smuggling, the cards and that, though.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, Maria isn’t stupid. She isn’t going to believe that you’re going out on legitimate business at ten o’clock at night. What about the times we don’t come home till the next morning? No, brother, you will have to get a proper job, slaving away in some factory, for soon you’ll be a husband and a daddy.’

  Barney felt sick. He had no wish to give up his easy way of life. He was going to marry the woman and that should be enough for her. There was no way that she was going to dictate to him. ‘Maria,’ he said, ‘will do as she is told and keep her mouth shut when I tell her so.’

  Seamus was very glad to hear that. He thought wives were an utter waste of time and he had no intention of taking up with one himself. He only had to remember his parents’ marriage to realise what a hell on earth that had been. They had seemed to do all in their power to make each other miserable.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

  ‘Aye,’ Barney said resolutely, ‘I am sure,’

  ‘Well, start as you mean to go on, brother,’ Seamus advised. ‘And now, if I were you, I’d go and put the woman out of her misery.’

  ‘I’ll do that,’ Barney said, ‘and you get the first round in at Raffety’s because tonight I am going to get rip roaring drunk.’

  ‘And I’ll help you,’ Seamus promised.

  Maria was awash with tears. She had cried until she could cry no more. Her face was wet and her eyes so puffed up she could barely see. She still lay face down on the mat, feeling desperation and panic seeping out of the very pores of her skin. Barney, letting himself in the door, felt immensely sorry for her and sorry for the way he had behaved earlier that had upset her so much. ‘Get up out of that,’ he said gently, drawing her to her feet and into his arms. ‘Don’t worry. I was shocked and panicked, that was all. I didn’t know the things I was saying. I needed to think it all through. But surely you knew I would never let you down. Haven’t I told you I love you and shown you often? I know we need to be married. As it had better be done speedily, we will see the priest in the morning.’

  Sheer and utter blessed relief, caused Maria’s legs to buckle under her. She would have fallen, but for Barney’s arms encircling her. He sank back on to the settee, pulling Maria with him so that she sat on his knee. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him with all the passion she had in her.

  ‘Thank you, Barney. Thank you,’ she said fervently.

  She was so grateful to him. The alternative, for a girl finding herself pregnant and single, was very grim indeed, not just for herself, but for the whole family.

  ‘There are better ways than words for showing a man how full of gratitude you are,’ Barney said.

  Maria pulled the jumper from her head and said, ‘Come on then. What are we waiting for?’

  Father Flaherty was no fool. ‘Is the any reason for such a rush?’

  Barney met his glance levelly. ‘None other than Maria needs help sooner rather than later, and we have the house and all and see no reason to wait.’

  It was the same reason they had given to Sam and Sean—and Bella and Dora too. If the two women thought there might be another reason for rushing into marriage they didn’t give voice to it. The priest, however, wasn’t satisfied.

  ‘Maria is still very young.’

  ‘Aye, Father, which is precisely why she needs the help now,’ Barney said. ‘I know there is not much to Sam, but he is still a weight for Maria to lift on her own. I do what I can, but could do more if I was in the house.’

  The priest could not argue with Barney’s logic. He’d called to see Sam many times and lately he had often found him drunk or very near it, even by mid-morning. He knew the man would be no measure of support or help to Maria, and in the state he was often in, he would be a dead weight to deal with.

  ‘He has given his permission, your father?’ the priest asked Maria.

  ‘Oh, aye, Father. Daddy is all for it. He thinks the world of Barney here.’

  ‘Well, we are all set then,’ the priest said, drawing a calendar towards him. ‘If I call the banns tomorrow then the earliest you can be married will be the second of January, if you want a Saturday, because I wouldn’t marry anyone on Boxing Day.’

  Maria quite understood that. ‘The second of January sounds just grand, Father,’ she said. ‘It will be good to start the New Year together.’

  She squeezed Barney’s hand as she spoke. Barney didn’t squeeze back, for going through his mind was the realisation that he had just a few scant weeks of freedom left to him and, by God, he intended to make the most of them.

  The following Saturday afternoon, with the post office shut, Bella said Maggie could manage the rest and went to Letterkenny with Maria to get patterns and materials to make her wedding dress.

  For the first time, Bella saw the Maria that Sarah had described the day she’d got the news she’d won the scholarship. She watched the almost reverent way the girl stroked the material as the bales were laid before her.

  She chose white, although she really had no right to wear it, but it would have caused comment and speculation if she had chosen any other colour. When she made her choice, she then scrutinised the lace for the petticoats, neckline and sleeves, and bought decorative buttons and tiny rosebuds and seed pearls She even took time to decide on the cotton thread to use and confessed to Bella, as the assistant wrapped it all up, that she itched to get home and get started on it.

  This was what Philomena Clarke saw, Bella told herself. Sarah had acknowledged the gift but didn’t see its significance. Maria had a love of material and making clothes, right enough, and had things been different it could have been developed further.

  But there was no good thinking that way, Bella chided herself. Maria’s life has gone on a different tack altogether. Regret and wishing that things were different was worse than useless.

  CHAPTER NINE

  On the morning of the wedding, Bella helped ease the wedding dress over Maria’s slim frame and fixed the veil in place. Maria swung around in front of the mirror and studied it critically. The scalloped neck showed the merest hint of cleavage and was trimmed with lace, like the wide full sleeves, caught in at the elbow. The dress was fitted to just past the waist and from there it stood out with the starched lace petticoats and the skirt was caught up at intervals with blue and pink rosebuds to match the headdress.

  Maria wished for a moment that she could have invited Joanne to the wedding, but she liked to keep
her work life and home life separate. She would have hated Joanne to see the state her father would be in by the time this day was over. He had started, and with gusto, the night before. She had heard him shouting and swearing and singing snatches of rebel songs, Sean trying to quieten him. Her toes had curled in the bed with shame and she felt dread like a large stone filling her stomach.

  She didn’t want to show her friend that side of her father. Yet when Joanne had said wistfully, ‘I’d love to be there to see you in that fantastic dress that you have told us so much about,’ Maria had had the urge to say, ‘Come, why don’t you? You can stay with me in the house. I have the room.’ However, what she’d ended up saying was, ‘I’d like you to be there too, Joanne, but it has to be a quiet wedding, you see, with Daddy so ill and all. But Bella has a camera and I imagine that she won’t be the only one. I’ll have plenty of pictures, don’t worry.’

  Joanne, who knew more about Maria’s life than most, accepted that. She was the only one in the factory that knew the real reason for the rushed wedding. When Maria had displayed her engagement ring first, there had been exclamations of delight from the girls. It truly was a magnificent ring and more than one person had looked ruefully at the rings they had been bought. They all advised her, however, to take her time settling down and to remember it was for life. She had replied airily that neither of them was in a hurry to wed.

  When she had to tell them how things had changed and that the wedding had to be sooner rather than later, she gave the same reason for haste as Barney had to the priest. Only later when they were alone did Joanne ask, ‘Was that the real reason?’

  The crimson flush gave Maria away. Joanne nodded. ‘I thought as much.’

  ‘It must have been the day they took Mammy away,’ Maria said. ‘I was so upset and Barney took me for a walk and comforted me and…‘

  ‘You don’t have to justify yourself to me,’ Joanne said. ‘I know just how hard it can be saying “no” and you wouldn’t be feeling yourself that day. You weren’t right when you came to work, and I thought it strange then. I mean, I expected you to be full of tears all day, but instead you were odd. It’s hard to explain it, but you didn’t look too unhappy.’