by Ivy Knight
In simple words, it hurts. It hurts to not get what you want and it hurts to be rejected by the one thing you need most.
Licking my lips nervously, I look up at him. My eyes watering, I try my best to keep them from dripping with tears and display a small smile.
"I lost my mom the day I was born, I grew up in an all-boys house and I hardly ever talked to anyone else. My brother, Vincent, blames me for our mother's death, Anthony was always over protective and Dean was more of a friend than anything to me. My family gave it all to protect, love and care for me, but sometimes, even everything isn't enough."
"I can't justify anything I did to insure my own survival for the past three years, because I know everything I did came at a price most would never be willing to pay. In that process, I cost many people their lives, physically left many disabled and left countless with emotional scars, but not once, did I ever look back. I kept moving on, because I knew that it was the only way I could stay hidden. Then, you came along," I take a deep breath as a single tear escapes from the bottom of my eye.
"You were dominant, demeaning and cruel. An exact reflection of your brother and I felt it inside of me the moment I saw you in that classroom for the first time. I felt this aura around you and I knew it was dangerous, but I was intrigued. I couldn't help but dive in to test the waters. Little did I know, that knowing how to swim wasn't going to be enough to climb back out."
"The thing is, from day one, we both did everything wrong, but in the midst of all this chaos, there must've been a moment where we did it right. I wanna find that moment. That exact moment, so I can just pause time and stay there forever. I just want to love you and not feel guilty."
Not knowing what else to say, I stand there as Kai's eyes roam around avoiding my sight. I wait patiently until he has enough courage to look at me and say what he needs to. Finally, he brings himself to meet my gaze.
"We both did something that we knew was forbidden, but we're both strong enough to live with the consequences of it. You love someone who's not worth loving, and I love someone who doesn't want to be loved. Since we have this one night to ourselves, I want you to know that I've never loved anyone. I don't know how it works, but if we were normal and it were just you and I, I'd want to figure it out with you."
"You've got your flaws, but none of them overpower my desire to love you for the rest of my life. Our story has been short and there's only a bit more of it left. After everything we've been through, I don't think there will ever be a moment where I'll wake up not wanting to see your face first thing in the morning. I want you so fucking bad, but like you said, I'm an exact reflection of my brother. I don't deserve to be loved."
His eyes watering, I feel the depth of each word he spoke.
"Run away with me," I tell him. His eyes focused on me, he looks surprised by my words.
"I don't want any of this as much as I want you," I take a step forward only standing inches away from him.
Say yes, Kai.
Please, say yes.
"If that were true, we wouldn't be here today," he replies. "I love you Summer, but we can't give each other what we need."
No. Please, Kai.
"Why are you like this? I'm giving you my all, but you don't want any of it. Why?" I question desperately feeling the rage boil within me.
"Because it's not mine to take. You can hand it all to me, but I know you'll regret it one day, we both will."
"But that's not for you to decide!" I yell losing my composure. I take a deep breath and collect myself before continuing in a lower tone.
"It's my decision, I wanna give it all to you because I know you can handle it. I – I just need you, Kai. You don't know what it's like to live like I do every day, knowing the things I know and not being able to say or do a damn thing about it. I need us away from this place. From this life," I plead.
"I don't love, Kai. I don't know the definition of the word because I've never truly felt it, but what's inside of me, it's foreign and I'm fucking terrified of it. All I know is that I've felt everything: fear, rage, sorrow, happiness, loss, hope every emotion you could ever name except for love and this feeling, it feels pretty fucking close to it. If I wasn't so sure, I'd never say it, but I'm saying it."
"I love you and I need you. Only you."
Without a single word, his arms wrap around me pulling me into a warm hug allowing me to sob freely in his arms. For who knows how long, we stay in the same position not uttering a single word. He doesn't say a word until I regain control over my breathing and calm down.
"I wanna give you everything I have, Summer. I do, but there's so much more at play. So much more than you and I, you know that better than anyone," he says. Unhooking his arms from around me, he takes a step back. His calloused palms find a place on either side of my face lifting my head and I look into his eyes.
"We have this night – this weekend, Summer and maybe this is all we'll have, but if you’re willing to test this. To test us, then I want these hours to be our best. People never know how long forever will last, but we can make this weekend our forever. Just you and me for the next couple of hours," he offers.
I close my eyes and my father's words play in my mind.
If destroying ourselves means destroying our enemies, then understand that we're only as important as them.
Nothing is off the table, Summer. You have to do this.
I remind myself.
I open my eyes and give him a slight nod. A smile grows on his face, one that I wish could stay on his face forever. His eyes light, his smile lines deepen as his smile stretches. It's a sight I'll never forget. He's actually smiling and just looking at him this happy makes a smile appear on my face just before he pulls me closer kissing me.
His lips aren't as soft as they usually are, but he knows how to make up for it. See, it's not the kiss that always leaves me wanting more from him, it's everything else he does. His hands on my face, I know he's not dwelling in the thoughts of my naked body, that might or might not come after this, but just in the moment of being here with me and being able to touch me wherever that might be.
His hands calloused, he knows they're rough but his thumb gently caresses my jaw making me shiver.
The kiss itself might not be perfect and neither Kai himself, but it's more than I could have asked for. Actually, it's everything I could ask for in this moment and it couldn't be more perfect.
As soon as our lips part, my eyes remain closed. Feeling his breath on my face, we lean our foreheads against each other’s. Smiling like a lunatic, I'm the first to break the silence.
"I love you."
"I love you," he says as we both look up at each other.
"Come," he instructs pulling me back to the crackling fire. I stand at the side as I watch him lay down a blanket and grab another. Putting it on himself, he takes a seat against the log. "Sit down."
"Okay," I say a little confused. Once seated next to him, he puts the blanket on me and I get more comfortable leaning my head on his shoulder as we stare at the fire.
We remain silent for a few minutes just watching as the fire ignites brightness through the dark night.
"I wanna know you," I tell him. "If we have these hours to ourselves, I wanna love you for you. I know what you show yourself to be, but I wanna know you as a person outside of this life."
"Okay," he says. "What do you wanna know?"
"You're favourite colour."
"Blue, it reminds me of the sky. What about you?"
"Black, because it's the most dominant."
"You're favourite animal? Mine are Killer Whales."
"Why?"
"They look cool," he shrugs.
"Cheetah's, they're stealth is something I hope to achieve one day."
"If only you were born an animal," he jokes.
"If only, but... uh... you're favourite actor or actress?"
"Selena Gomez, you?"
"Haven't watched a lot of movies or shows, but Ryan Reynolds."
We end up talking for hours on end, about everything that we could possibly think of, our favourite memories, tv shows, movies and even harder things such as our families and enemies until both of us fall asleep in each other's arms under the night sky.
...♛...
"Hey," Kai's voice wakes me up. "Get up."
My eyes flutter open, taking a few minutes to adjust to the bright sun.
"What?" I speak groggily.
"Let's go before the others wake up," he says.
"Where?" I question.
"It's a surprise."
"We're out, in the middle of nowhere. Where could you possibly take me?" I question.
"Just give me your hand," he says extending his arm. Clicking my tongue, I extend my arm and we cup our hands as Kai pulls me up. I stumble a bit, but he catches me.
"Thanks," I speak lightly rubbing my eyes.
"Yeah, now come on," he says making his way to the car. He's seated in the driver's seat before I even start to make my way to the car.
When I get in, Kai starts the car and starts driving.
"You might wanna clean yourself up a bit," he says sneaking a look at me.
"Why, are there hot guys there?" I question teasingly. Annoyed by my response, his smile drops into a sarcastic hard look. I laugh, "Calm down, I was just kidding."
I pull down the mirror, and pull out the leaves stuck in my hair and dust off my clothes trying to get rid of any blotches of dirt.
As the ride goes on and my stomach starts to growl, I blast the radio and start to sing to hide the noise.
"Baby, I promise I won't tell nobody Just long as you let me hit it like every night I could give a fuck 'bout the club, 'cause that püssy tight
Do a split on it, drop it, baby, show you right
I'm a split your weave and you askin' me to stay the night Whipped cream on your tìtties, then you suckin' on my dïck with ice Oh my God, oh my God, my bitch get me right Ain't gotta pay for that püssy, my dïck can change your life I'm tired of missionary, wan-na - hey! That was my favourite part," I complain as Kai changes the station.
"I can tell, you knew every single lyric," he says, sounding unimpressed.
"Oh! I know this song," I say and wait for my favourite part to sing it, "Phone lit, past three, see you say what's up Fuckboy, thought I told you not to hit me up I got a problem and it sucks, boy O.T., I'm in love with the fuckboys I'm just bein' real, can I keep it real? Way too many feels, way too many feels Chanel bag, cop it, I don't fuckin' want it I don't need that bullshit in your wallet Whippin' in the car with you, you, you Whippin' in the car with you, you, yo- what are you smiling about?"
"Oh, nothing," Kai shakes his head as he laughs.
I lower the volume and ask again.
"No actually, what's so funny?"
"Well, the last time you were singing and in the same car as me, you were pretty drunk, wet and grinding on me."
"What? No way!"
"You were," he says. I stare at him for a few minutes trying to see if he'll break under the pressure if he's lying, but he just sits there smiling like an idiot.
"Oh, my God, that happened."
"It did," he says.
"But it must've been good then. Since you remember it, ya know?"
"It was alright, I've gotten better," he admits.
"Well, I can't argue with that. Sorry, I'm not a professional," I roll my eyes.
"Don't worry, you don't need to be," he smirks.
"Oh, don't worry, I know," I smirk back. We both look at each other before bursting into a fit of laughter.
"We're so fucking weird," I comment.
"I know," Kai laughs.
It takes a few minutes, but we finally sober up. On our way to wherever we're going, we stop at a gas station and grab food to eat and talk for almost an hour before we reach our destination.
"We're doing a mud race!"
"Yup," Kai bobs his head pulling into a parking stall.
"Holy fuck, these seem so fun. I've always wanted to do one!" I yell in excitement as I jump out of the car.
"Good," he says as he walks to the trunk. He pulls out a bag and throws it to me. "I packed you some clothes and your registration information is in the bag too."
"How'd you know this was happening here?" I query as we walk towards the entrance along with many others.
"I googled it this morning. I did say we have a couple of hours to ourselves and I thought this would be fun."
"Looks like it will be," I say as we approach the desk area.
Once we get our registration completed and get our numbers, we separate to change into our clothes and meet again at the starting.
"Ladies and gentlemen! The race is starting and all of you have been briefed about the rules by most of our volunteers, but I'll just go over them again. This is a six kilometer course with many obstacles, try not to push someone hard enough to injure them and do keep the tracking chip in your shoe at all times, so we know that you have completed the full course. Most importantly, remember to have fun! It is a beautiful day today! So, racers, on your marks, get set, go!"
The horn blares and before I know it, Kai sprints in front of me.
"Hey!" I yell. "What happened to helping each other!"
I hear him snicker in the distance as he picks up his pace. Doing the same, I increase my speed and enter the first pool of mud. Immediately, my legs sink in and I slow down as the mud weighs me down, but because I'm lighter, I'm still able to go fast enough to catch up to Kai. Exiting the mud only seconds after him, I start to sprint and run past him.
"What the!" I hear him yell behind me. I run past many of the runners and when I see the rock wall, I jump up gaining almost a two-meter advantage but a pair of hands find a place around my waist pulling me down and throwing me on the ground.
"Holy! Fuck you, Kai!" I get up and jump grabbing his foot.
"Summer! What the fuck? Let go!"
"No!" I yell as yank down on his foot making him lose his grip. I use this moment and start climbing next to him. I'm at the same height as him when he regains his grip and we both start to climb over and off the wall where we're greeted by columns of hurdles.
"Fuck my life," I groan before deciding to just go for it. I jump over the first one, but the mud collecting on my feet makes it harder, so I decide to slowly climb over the rest. Kai does the same, but he's able to do it with a bit more speed than I am.
"Come on, Summer! You're not even putting up a fight!" Kai taunts me standing at the end of the hurdles.
"Ugh! It's hot!"
"So!"
"So I'm dehydrated," I make up an excuse.
"Says the girl who drinks nine cups of water a day," he retorts. Instead of replying, I just shake my head and climb over the rest of the hurdles calmly.
"There, happy?" I question.
"Beat you to the next obstacle," Kai grins before pushing me back into the mud. I land flat on my back and sink right in. The mud all over my face, I wipe it off disgusted at the fact that some of it went in my mouth.
"Kai, I'm gonna kill you!" I yell when I see him laughing.
"You gotta catch me first," he says running away.
...♛...
"I'm so tired, but honestly, that's the most fun thing I've done... ever," I admit getting into the car.
"Fuck, same. It was nasty as fuck, but it was so worth it especially watching you fall every five minutes."
"Okay, first of all you fell just as much as I did and second of all, I wasn't the only one struggling to get through the barbed wires."
"I seriously thought I was gonna have to cut your ponytail. Can't believe it got stuck in the wires. It took me half an hour to take your hair out of it," he groans.
"If you had fucking cut my hair, I would've shoved those same barbed wires down your throat."
"Well, I guess we're both lucky. You got to keep your hair and I got to keep my life."
"If you call that lucky... just kidding, I like that you
're still alive, I guess... " I roll my eyes jokingly pissing me off.
"You're so annoying sometimes."
"Sometimes?"
"Actually, you're right. Always," he corrects himself.
"I know I know, but where are we heading to now?"
"There's a motel just a couple of kilometers down the road and I thought we'd stay there for the rest of the day. We can head back later tonight, because I'm sure the rest of them are wondering where we are."
"You never texted them?"
"I left a note and I forgot my phone because I was in such a hurry," he says.
"Oh, whatever. Ad long they know we're alive."
"Yup," he says.
"Hey, Kai?"
"Yeah?"
"Pullover."
"What? Why?"
"Just do it."
"No? Why?"
"Pullover!"
"Fuck, woman! Okay," he says as he pulls the car over on the side of the road. "What is it?"
"I wanna show you something," I acknowledge as I exit the car.
"Where are you going?"
"Come to the back, I'll show you."
"What?" he sounds bewildered but exits the car and enters the back with me.
"Okay," I say as I sit on the seat, with my hands on my thighs as I sit on my legs. "I've never been as happy as I've been in these last few hours than my whole eighteen years of existence, Kai. And this smile on my face, probably says it all, but I need to say it again. I love you."
"I know this isn't what our relationship is, but I need it. I need this before our forever ends and I want you to know that I was the girl – not because my family wanted me to be, but because I wanted to be – I was the girl who wanted to wait before she lost her virginity. And if that girl was still alive today, as sketchy as this scenario will sound to anyone else, she would choose this exact moment with the exact same person sitting in front of me right now and -"
Before I can finish, Kai cups my face and kisses me passionately. It starts off slow as his hands teasingly make their way down the side of my body and he gradually pushes me back getting on top.
Our lips part.
Everything is silent except for our rapid breathing. His eyes dark, I know he's asking for permission.
