by Liliana Hart
“Nooooooooooooooo, absolutely not,” he huffed indignantly.
“So you do know what her job was.” I approached him and he backed away. Blue and pink flames whipped up my arms. I was pissed. He was my damn cat and he was supposed to let me know what was what. “Spit it out.”
“Gooooo to the basement. Youuuuuu will see.”
“There’s a basement?”
“There’s aaaaaaa baaaasement.”
There was definitely a basement and it was creepy. It was all cement cinderblock and it was lined with huge empty dog kennels. Did she raise Saint Bernards? I mean, what the hell? A family of four could have lived in each of the cages. There had to be at least twenty. A large rectangular metal table sat in the middle of the room stacked high with clean blankets and pillows. An array of clothing in every size imaginable was stacked in labeled bins beneath the huge table. Toiletries filled several more bins and one kennel was filled with winter coats, hats, gloves, and boots. Confusion didn’t even begin to cover what was running through my brain. Did she keep prisoners down here? Was she a mad scientist who experimented on humans and then dressed them warmly and sent them on their way?
I glanced around and looked for instruments of torture, but only found a couple of first aid kits. The pieces did not fit and I had no clue what this room was for. The cat was going to talk or he was going to lose his ‘nads.
Of course the cat was gone. I was going to kill him so dead when I found him. How was I supposed to figure out what I was supposed to do? There was no way I was going to let Bushy Yuba turn me mortal on Halloween…
A note—maybe Aunt Hildy had left me a note with instructions on it.
I ransacked the entire house for two hours and came up empty-handed. However, I did discover Aunt Hildy was anally organized and wore a size six. That kind of sucked because I was a four and she had some expensive shit. She did have a bizarre collection of tote bags. I grinned as I went through them, my favorite had to be the one reading You Only Get Out What You Put Into It. Weird. Depressed and no closer to knowing anything, I dropped down on the smooshy couch and cried. At least I was wearing awesome clothes. I didn’t think I could take it if I was still clad in orange. Glancing around through my tears, I realized Aunt Hildy didn’t have a TV or even a radio. I was tempted to wiggle my nose and conjure up a massive flat screen, but that would be using magic for my own gain and I was fairly sure that was a big no-no.
Exhausted from the drive and pissed at Fabio, I laid back on the couch and closed my eyes. I’d eat later. I needed to sleep. When my head was clear I’d kill the cat and figure out the mystery.
Sleep was impossible with all the racket the damn cat was making on the front porch. How did something so small sound like a herd of elephants?
I stomped to the porch, ready to let him have it. “Fabio, what the hell are you…”
Holy crap, it wasn’t Fabio at all. The porch was crowded with animals. Injured animals—bleeding, injured animals. WTF? They all looked at me with fear in their eyes and my stomach sunk to my toes. Shit, was Hildy a wild animal vet? I didn’t even really like animals that much. I’d killed my cat. I couldn’t take care of a bunch of smelly, bleeding animals.
“Go. Go home,” I said. “Aunt Hildy died and you guys stink. I have a very active gag reflex and this isn’t working for me,” I explained.
They looked at me like I had three heads and not one of them moved an inch. Shit. Fairly sure they weren’t going to eat me, I slumped down on the steps and dropped my head into my hands. A little wet nose nudged me and gently licked my face. The breath was horrid, but the gesture was sweet. He was a small baby raccoon with huge brown eyes and he was cute.
“Hi,” I whispered and scratched his head. He made little chattering noises and my stupid heart melted. “You guys should go. I have no clue what you want or need.”
I looked around to see all the other guests. There was a mother raccoon, a bear, a deer, a beaver and a skunk. I jumped up and backed away. There was no way I was going to get sprayed. I only had one set of clothing unless Fabio showed his bastard ass back up and I was not going to smell like skunk ass. Period.
“If you blow your stinker off, I will fry you where you stand. Do you understand me?”
The skunk nodded his little head and I almost passed out. Did the little stinkbomb maker understand me? Was that even possible? Was it because I was a witch? I’d never heard of that before, but what the hell did I know? I’d skipped most of my classes in magic school. I was too busy shopping and partying. Damn it, bad move on my part.
“Look guys,” I said as I walked back to the front door. “I can’t help you. You smell bad and you’re animals. I have to figure out how my aunt died and probably who killed her. You dudes have to go.”
The tiny raccoon chattered and scampered around my feet. Blood dripped from a wound on the back of his head.
“Shit,” I muttered. “All right…all you fuckers line up in a straight line and I’ll fix you a little.”
They quickly formed a line, further evidence that they could understand me. This of course freaked me out so I decided to ignore it.
Sucking in a cleansing breath I let the magic take me. Again, as it happened earlier with Fabio the nut licker, purple flames engulfed my upper body. I giggled as they tickled my nose. I wanted to hold on to the flames and bask in them, but there were a bunch of odiferous wounded furry things staring at me with wonder. Shit. Being good sucked. Grudgingly, I let go and let the purple mist bathe the hairy bodies of my visitors. The sighs, chattering, yips and happy growls actually made me feel kind of nice, but not nice enough to hang out with the zoo on my porch.
“Okay, outta here. I did my thing—now you have to go,” I told them as I walked into the house. I didn’t look back. If that damn little raccoon made eye contact I was liable to invite them all in and that was so not happening. “Have a good life,” I muttered as I shut the door firmly behind me and locked it.
I was tired and hungry. I had also depleted myself magically. For not having used magic in nine months I’d used a ton today fixing the hairball brigade. All I wanted to do was fall asleep in front of the TV watching Project Runway but I couldn’t even do that. How in the hell did someone live in this day and age without a damn TV?
I skipped eating, climbed the stairs and threw myself down on the first bed I came to. Tomorrow would be a new day. I could figure out what I was to do and if Fabio came back, maybe I could trick him into conjuring up a TV. I smiled as I snuggled into the fluffy comforter. I’d solve all the world’s problems tomorrow.
Chapter Five
Bright morning sunlight poured through the window and singed my half-shut eyeballs. I rolled over with a grumpy moan only to come face to balls with Fabio.
“Is there a reason your scrotum is in my face?” I spat as I sat up quickly and moved to the other side of the bed.
“Gooooood morning to youuuuu too,” Fabio said as he stretched his skinny kitty frame.
“It’s not a good morning and where the hell did you go last night?”
“I had a feeew errands to run and theeen I wasssss checking the area for femaaaale cats,” he informed me.
“And did you find any?” I asked a question I had no desire to have answered.
“Niiiiine.” He was positively giddy and I was positively nauseous.
All the things I considered saying were so foul and rude, I actually held my tongue for ten seconds. “Well, I hope you used protection. The last thing we need is a bunch of little ball-licking Fabios running around,” I muttered as I rolled out of bed and landed in a pile of the most fabulous clothes and shoes I’d ever seen. “Oh my Goddess,” I squealed, “are these for me?”
“Do youuuuu liiike?” he asked excitedly.
“Oh my hell, I love!”
There had to be at least six pairs of low rise Max Midnight jeans and a Max mini skirt. Loads of camisoles, sheer tops, vintage t-shirts and gorgeous cashmere sweaters with the price tags still
on them exploded out of designer bags. And the shoes…platform Pradas and kick ass motorcycle boots. I was in heaven. Not to mention the cat hadn’t skimped on the undergarments either–Fleur of England panties, thongs and bras in every color imaginable. If the feline kept this up I might end up loving him after all. Shallow? Yes, but at the moment I didn’t care.
“You did this for me?”
“I want you to be haaaapy, and you are sooooo pretttty you deserve loooovely things,” he said quietly.
His words hit me hard and I sat back and stared with dismay at the beautiful clothes. “I don’t deserve any of this. You seem to have forgotten I smooshed you with a car. I’ve been shitty to you and you insist on being nice. It makes me feel horrid.” I fingered a camel-colored cashmere sweater longingly, but I knew what I had to do. I dropped my head between my knees and gulped in air so I didn’t puke. Doing the right thing sucked ass. Big time. “Take them all back. I’ll just wear the clothes I have on,” I gasped out in pain.
“Noooo can doooo,” Fabio said as he whipped up a little magic and all the price tags disappeared from the garments. “The taaags are gone and I peeeeed on the receipt. Smeeeelllls awful. You willl have to keep these things or I will get arrrrrrrrrested.”
“Did you steal them?” I asked, watching him closely.
“Not exxxactly,” he hedged. “I’m juuust unsure if the credit card I used was cooompletely legal.”
“Wait.” I shook my head and tried to figure this out. “Did you go to a store as a cat and buy this stuff?”
“Um, no. I speeellled a woman in Paris and she bought them for meeeeee,” he explained as if it was the most logical thing in the world.
“You went to freakin’ Paris last night? How in the hell did you get to Paris and back? Not to mention the little fact you defiled nine cats in eight hours?” He was so full of shit.
“I transsssported.”
“Familiars can’t transport without their witches.” I raised my eyebrows and waited for his next line of crap.
“I caaaaaaan.”
I narrowed my eyes and stared him down. What kind of familiar was he? Was he even a familiar at all? Did he gain super powers when he came back from the dead? Was he a spy for Bundtcake Yaga? Did I pursue this line of thinking or did I enjoy my windfall? Goddess, decisions were hard.
I sucked in another huge breath and made my choice. I was absolutely positive it was the wrong choice, but I decided to stand by it. “Because I don’t want you to get arrested I will keep the clothes. I’d like to go on record and say I don’t buy your story, but I will be bitchier than normal if I have to wear the same outfit for a month. So again, I am keeping the clothes for your safety.”
“Woooonderful,” he purred and rubbed his stubbly little head along my arm. “Gooooo and shower and I will whiiiiip up some breakfaaast.”
“Ooookay,” I said as I grabbed some barely-there undies, jeans and a t-shirt and made my way to the bathroom. He was going to have limited supplies considering all we had was ice cream, frozen pizza and canned spaghetti. “Good luck with that.”
“Hey Fabio, I am lookin’ good today,” I sang as I ran down the stairs in my new fabu ensemble. I still felt a little bad about keeping the clothes, but one glance in the mirror and I shoved that guilt to the compartment in my head I called “denial”.
The smell of bacon and eggs wafted from the kitchen. Craptastic, did he rob a grocery store too? We were going to have to talk. Magic was one thing, but bad credit cards were another.
“Cooooome and eattttttttt,” he yelled from the kitchen.
We’d talk later. My stomach was empty and my mouth was watering.
“Dude, I…” I stopped short and stared in shock. Seated around the table and eating off of china were my zoo friends. WTF? The skunk, bear, deer, beaver, mamma raccoon and baby raccoon all slurped happily from plates. This was so not happening.
“Um...no. This is not good. Animals do not sit at the table and eat bacon and eggs,” I said.
“And paaaancakes,” Fabio added.
“Not helping, cat. We’ll discuss where you got the ingredients later,” I snapped as I tried to pull the bear out of his chair. I wondered briefly if Fabio had gone back to the grocery and if Hot Ass Guy was there. No time to think about sex when I had a fuzzy menagerie in my kitchen. The damn bear had to weigh five hundred pounds and was going nowhere fast.
What was I thinking and why wasn’t I afraid of these intruders?
They all started yipping at once. I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled a loud breath. My body started to glow and I knew I was seconds away from incinerating the house. Worst of all I was almost positive I was hearing actual words amidst the noise.
“Enough,” I shouted and sat down next to the bear. “You guys are supposed to live in the fucking wild,” I explained. “Not in my house.”
I noticed I’d missed a few wounds on the bear and beaver. Maybe if I fixed them all up they would go.
“You’re noooot being veeery hospitable,” Fabio chastised me.
I groaned and banged my head on the table. “Okay, here’s the deal. Finish your breakfast and then I’ll do a little voodoo on your wounds and then you’ll leave. And if any of you even chip a piece of china I will shove it up your ass. Understood?”
They all nodded happily and went back to their meals. Fucked up had just become my new normal.
“Uh ohhhhhh, I smell old laaaaady crouch,” Fabio hissed.
“What?” I choked out as a large piece of pancake lodged in my throat. “You know what old lady crouch is?”
“Doesn’t everyoooone?” he asked.
He was definitely my cat.
“Is it here?” I sniffed the air as I stood and started yanking animals from their chairs.
“Incooooooming. I’d say about ten minutes till shooowdown.”
“Shit,” I shouted. “You dudes need to skedaddle.”
“Zeeeelada, they’re injured. Weeee can’t put them out,” the damn cat reasoned.
“Fine,” I ground out. He was correct and I was an ass. I had no clue why, but I didn’t want Baba Yogo and her entourage to see a National Geographic show in Aunt Hildy’s kitchen. They already thought I was partially unhinged. This would prove it. “You all will hide in the…”
“Baaaasement?” Fabio volunteered.
“Yes, the basement. Follow me.”
Hustling the zoo to the basement took approximately one minute. The bastards could move and they seemed to know their way. They all grabbed blankets and pillows and went to cages.
“Um, you guys don’t have to get into those things. You can just hang out and–you know, play or something. Quietly,” I added.
They either didn’t understand, which I found hard to believe, or they were just ignoring me. Whatever. If they wanted to sleep in the kennels who was I to complain? Everyone laid down and snuggled into their blankets except the bear—who squatted.
No freakin’ way. I marched over to his cage and got up in his face. “This is not the woods and you are not going to take a shit. Do you understand me?”
He shrugged, grunted and flopped onto his back. If he took a dump he was going to eat it. Period.
“I’ll be back as soon as I get rid of Baba Yomamma and her warlock buddies. Stay here and don’t make noise.”
I ran back to the kitchen to clean up the evidence of the breakfast, but Fabio was two steps ahead of me. He’d cleaned the kitchen and was now cleaning his nuts. I looked away and let him have at it. He did warn me so I supposed he deserved a little cleansing time.
“Hello, Zelda,” Baba Yaga purred as she and her idiot cronies appeared in a cloud of crouch smoke.
“Baba Yaga,” I muttered and gave her a quick hug. She was sporting a sparkly green spandex body suit and a blue sequined headband. Someday I was going to have to do a style intervention, but today was not that day. Her eyes roved over me and my stomach clenched in terror. Crap, I was wearing designer duds. “I didn’t do it,” I
shouted frantically. “Fabio thought I looked shitty in orange, which I do, and he wanted me to have something decent to wear so he went to Paris and…”
“Your familiar went to Paris without you?” a little crinkly warlock demanded in a nasty tone. “Impossible.”
“He did,” I insisted. I was not going back to jail for a crime I didn’t commit. “I’m guessing since he rose from the dead, he developed wondrous, mindboggling, kick ass super powers. “
Everyone looked over at my cat who was getting down on his balls. “And clearly a need for squeaky-clean genitals,” I mumbled as the entourage gaped in disgust.
Fabio, uncaring that his grooming was being watched, looked up, yawned and coughed up a mother of a hairball. I couldn’t have been prouder than if he was my own child. The gasps and appalled huffs were music to my ears. I knew Baba and her bunch weren’t long for my house. My cat was awesome.
“Well Zelda, he is quite a charmer,” Baba Yaga noted dryly. She tossed her hair, which she’d had cut into a heinous mullet right out of the 80’s as she wandered the room and examined the knickknacks. “Have you noticed anything unusual here?”
“Um…define unusual.”
She eyed me critically and then gently began to pet a very happy Fabio. “You tell me. Anything odd? Ghosts? Attacks? Waves of strange magic? Fairies or Vampires? Love?”
“No. Nothing like that,” I answered, relieved. Crap, was that what was coming? And how exactly did love fit into that fucked up mix? “Is that what my mission involves?”
“I certainly hope not,” she said as she rounded up the arrogant warlocks to make her always dramatic exit. “You seem to be doing well. I shall leave you to your duties.”
“Wait,” I shouted. Everyone froze and tense magic swirled through the room. Yelling at three-hundred-year-old witches and warlocks clearly wasn’t the norm. “Do you want to give me any hints?”
Baba Yaga approached me and I shrank a little. What kind of idiot was I? Baba Yogicrazy could turn me into a goo pile with a flick of her pinkie. She placed her manicured hand on my face and looked me right in the eye. “You will be fine, Zelda. I believe in you.”
