Coletti Warlords: Reality Bites

by Gail Koger

  “Me family.” Cokie chortled.

  “Yes, they are.” I clapped my hands. “Everybody off.”

  The kids swarmed up the walls.

  I linked with my jerk of a mate. “Sweetheart, our room is full of baby Tabors.”

  “They escaped from the nursery. I’ll let Kaylee and Tae know where they are.”

  Doing my best imitation of a dizzy Southern belle, I gushed, “Thank you, sugar pie. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have a big strong man take care of me. Love you oodles.”

  “I did what was necessary,” Jaylan snapped.

  “Gosh, you’re so thoughtful. My poor, fragile nerves weren’t up to dealing with all those scary warlords.”

  “You were injured and needed to rest.”

  “Yes, dear. A broken nose is a terrible, life-threatening injury.” I winced. That had come out a bit sarcastically.

  “We’ll discuss this later,” Jaylan practically shouted and broke the link.

  “You bet your ass we will.” I scrambled out of Jaylan’s huge bed and hurried into the bathroom. God, did I have to pee.

  The babies followed me.

  “Whatcha doing, Momma Bree?”

  “I’m taking a piss.”

  Cokie and about a hundred Tabors climbed on my lap and tried to look in the toilet. “What piss?”

  God, I really needed some aspirin and about a pound of chocolate.

  Plop! A baby took a header in the toilet. He squeaked in alarm.

  “Oh hell!” I fished the poor little guy out. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” I put him in the sink and washed him off. The others twittered excitedly.

  Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! All the kids jumped into the toilet and splashed wildly.

  “No! No! No! That is not a swimming pool.” I scooped them out and quickly closed the lid. The last thing I wanted to do was explain how a bunch of baby Tabors got flushed into space. I put them on the counter.

  Giggling, the babies took off, scrambling madly over the walls.

  Dear God, why me? “Get back here. Right now.”

  The crazy kids spat webbing, and did a wonderful impression of Tarzan on meth.

  “Bad babies. Knock it off. Now!” I didn’t even want to think about the mischief Rio was getting into.

  They totally ignored me. If anyone asked why they were wet, I was pleading the fifth.

  Cokie swung by. “Wheee.”

  “Swell.” I eyed the webbing hanging from the ceiling. I wasn’t cleaning that up either. “Okay, fine. I’m tellin’ your mom and Kaylee.”

  In a flash, the Tabor babies had disappeared under the bed. Cokie chirped gleefully.

  I quickly closed the bathroom door. They were up to something.

  “Momma Bree, let us in,” Cokie called sweetly.

  “No.” Did they think I was stupid?

  “You no fun,” Cokie huffed.

  Yeah, I was a regular party pooper. All I wanted was for Jaylan to treat me as an equal. But, hell no. The jerk had dumped me on the bed and popped off to deal with Radan. I wanted to spend some quality time with the murderous ass too. I would have followed my loving mate, but oh no. He let that sneaky medic slip me a mickey.

  One look in the mirror, and I let out a shriek. My hair was a rat’s nest of tangles. Bruises, dirt, and blood covered my face. I opened the shower door and climbed in. The control panel resembled something you’d find on the space shuttle. Dammit. Zarek hadn’t included instructions on how to use a shower in his download. It couldn’t be that hard, could it? I touched an icon.

  A thick, slimy goop rained down on me. Oh yuck. It was like bathing in green gelatin. I poked another icon. Wham! Jets of hot water pelted me. “Shit! That hurts.” I punched frantically at the controls. There had to be an Off button. Superhot air whipped over me. Throwing open the door, I jumped out, tripped over Tiko, and hit the floor hard. Just what I needed. More bruises.

  Tiko sniffed me. “You still stink.”

  “Thank you; you’re too kind.” I sat up. “How’d you get in here?”

  “The Overlord.”

  “Oh. I’m surprised you left Madal alone in sick bay.”

  “Zarek said I was becoming a distraction.” Her tail flicked angrily.

  “Did you try to eat someone?”

  “No, but I should have. Warriors kept coming into sick bay to look me over. They would stroke their swords and say things like what great prey I’d make or my head would look good on their trophy wall.”

  “Well, that’s just rude.”

  Tiko bared her teeth in a toothy grin. “It was, and I let my displeasure be known.”

  “Roared, huh?”

  “And showed them my nice, sharp fangs.”

  “Both guaranteed to make them piss their pants.”

  “They did scatter like frightened prey.”

  “I would have paid good money to have seen that.” I opened the bathroom door and took a cautious look around.

  The Tabors were clustered on the ceiling.

  “Stay,” I commanded.

  They stared at me innocently.

  Like I was buying that act.

  A gray vortex appeared above the bed and spat out a furious Rami. “I’m not a piece of property to be bought or sold.”

  “Whoa. What happened?”

  “The Askoles offered Zarek a million units of their new armor in exchange for me.”

  “What assholes.” My radar went off. A few seconds later, the door slid open to reveal a heavily armed Askole warrior.

  He pointed his laser rifle at us. “Give me the Shani.”

  “Did you know your swell armor doesn’t protect you against psychic attacks?” I mentally grabbed his balls and twisted them viciously.

  The Askole bellowed in pain and dropped his rifle.

  Chitters of alarm sounded from the ceiling, and web balls struck the Askole repeatedly in the face. Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!

  Damn. Don’t mess with Tabors.

  The warrior clawed at the webbing covering his nose, mouth, and one eye.

  “Wonder how long he can hold his breath?”

  Rami cocked her head. “Five or six minutes?”

  The Askole went for his laser pistol.

  Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! The warrior’s hands were glued to his armor.

  “I think the poor fella is turning purple.”

  “Pity.” With one swipe of her massive paw, Tiko knocked him back into the hallway.

  “A tour of the Gansu swamp would do him a world of good, don’t ya think, girls?”

  “An excellent idea,” Tiko purred.

  “I agree.” Rami’s body vibrated with power, and a burring hum grew in volume. Crack! A churning vortex swallowed the Askole.

  “Wow, look at you. That ’port was perfect.”

  Rami puffed up proudly and let out a hissing growl. “Fear us.”

  “No it’s… We are females. Hear us roar!” I howled.

  A ferocious roar shook the room. “Now, that’s a proper challenge,” Tiko said evilly.

  I shuddered. It certainly got my attention.

  Giggling crazily, the babies dropped onto Rami and Tiko. “You fun.”

  Jaylan burst in with a laser pistol in his right hand. He surveyed the room and holstered his pistol. “Our sensors showed an Askole renegade in this section of the ship.”

  I shrugged. “We helpless females took care of him.”

  His mouth tightened. “Where is he?”

  I batted my eyelashes and simpered, “Gone with the wind.”

  Jaylan aimed an aggravated scowl at me. “Bree.”

  “He’s finding out how well his armor works in the swamp.”

  “Get dressed,” he growled.

  “Gee, I don’t seem to have any clothes.”

  Tilting his head back, Jaylan stared at the web-covered ceiling for a long moment. “I’m sure Detja or Kaylee can loan you something.”

  “If you hadn’t noticed, petite I’m not. Bu
t, don’t worry your tiny little brain about it. I can always make do with a sheet.”

  “Enough,” Jaylan thundered.

  Tiko swatted him, knocking him against the wall.

  Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Web balls hammered Jaylan, gluing him to the wall.

  Cokie chided, “Don’t yell at Momma Bree.”

  Sucking in a long breath, Jaylan closed his eyes and banged his head against the door frame. “Females.”

  “Don’t even go there.”

  “You need to apologize to Momma Bree,” Rami added.

  “I could eat him for you,” Tiko offered, licking Jaylan’s throat.

  Jaylan struggled wildly against the webbing. “Release me.”

  “Nah, I think you need a time-out.”

  Fury burned in Jaylan’s eyes. “Warlords do not get a time-out.”

  “Wanna bet?”

  “It’s my duty to protect you,” Jaylan bellowed in utter exasperation.

  “What a load of crap. I can take care of myself, and how many times have I saved your sorry ass?”

  Jaylan snarled. “That’s not the point.”

  I cocked a disbelieving eyebrow. “Really? Oh, I get it. You were worried about appearing weak in front of the other warlords.”

  “No. I’m proud to have you as my mate.”

  “So why did you dump me like yesterday’s trash?”

  “The medic told me your energy levels were dangerously low after healing Madal. I will not risk your health.”

  “Oh.” Now I felt stupid.

  My cousin Kaylee popped into the room with an adult Tabor perched on her shoulder. Her black tunic accentuated her gorgeous auburn hair.

  A gasp broke from me when I noticed her bulging stomach. “Oh my God. You are so pregnant!” I clapped a hand over my mouth. “Sorry. That was rude.”

  She patted her belly. “Don’t apologize. I’m growing a warlord here.”

  “When is the baby due?”

  “Anytime now.” Kaylee’s gaze fastened on Tiko. “You are one big, beautiful tiger.”

  Tiko preened. “You honor me.” She padded over and sniffed Tae. “The little warriors are your children?”

  “What has my adventurous brood done now?”

  “They disabled an Askole warrior in less than thirty seconds,” I answered.

  “Another SWAT team in the making.” Kaylee laughed.

  “My mate and brother will be pleased.” Tae chuckled.

  “Release me!” Jaylan barked.

  Kaylee turned and grinned. “Pissed them off, did ya?”

  Cokie climbed up on my shoulder. “Daddy Jaylan yelled at Momma Bree.”

  I stroked her head. “My children are very protective.”

  “As they should be,” Tae said.

  A petite woman in a moss-green tunic appeared next to Kaylee. She had long silver hair that emphasized her delicate pointed ears.

  Shit, it was Detja! What a great first impression I was making. Not only was I buck naked, I looked like something the dogs had dragged home. I quickly wrapped a sheet around me, plastered a smile on my face, and held out my hand. “You must be Detja. I’ve heard so much about you.”

  She took my hand in a surprisingly strong grip. “Welcome, daughter. Your mate is not taking proper care of you.”

  “Uh. Well. Shit happened and—”

  Detja cut me off. “Shit happened?”

  I suppressed a groan. That hadn’t come out right. “What I mean is—”

  Jaylan broke in. “The fault is mine.”

  My grandmother nodded. “It is. Where is her ownership band?”

  “On my ship.”

  “If you think I’m wearing an ownership band, you’re out of your mind.”

  “No ownership band, and every unmated male will challenge Jaylan for you,” Detja stated coldly.

  “But we’re mated,” I protested weakly.

  Detja shot back, “Did that stop Radan from trying to claim you?”

  “No. You’ve made you point. I’ll wear the band.”

  “Good.” She ran a disapproving eye over me. “You are a mess.”

  My temper flared to life. “I was too busy surviving to worry about my hair and nails.”

  A smile lit Detja’s eyes. “You’ll do.”

  Whoopee.

  Kaylee jumped in. “Don’t worry. Detja’s a miracle worker. She’ll get the blood, bugs, and dead stuff out of your hair.”

  Dead stuff? I cautiously touched my hair. Something slimy fell on the floor. Oh my God. Was that an eyeball?

  My grandmother stared at the eye. “I do love a challenge, but the ceremony is in four hours.”

  I dragged the sheet higher. “Ceremony? What ceremony?”

  “The Overlord is performing your bonding ceremony.”

  A pleased smile curled Jaylan’s mouth. “We are honored.”

  “So basically, Gramps is marrying us?”

  “Yes, and you will address your grandfather as Overlord,” Detja ordered, steel in her voice.

  “Yes, ma’am.” I twitched as Rami slid under the sheet and slithered up my leg.

  Detja looked at Cokie. “Your child will go with Tae.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Cokie clutched my neck. “Want stay.”

  “Go with Tae, sweetie. Daddy Jaylan and I need to talk.”

  Rami asked in disgust, “Is he going to poke you with his thingy again?”

  “No.” Oh God. Could I make a worse impression?

  Kaylee laughed. “Out of the mouths of babes.”

  Even Detja smiled.

  I scooped Cokie off my shoulder and put her on the floor. “Behave yourself.”

  “Yes, Momma.” She scurried after Tae and the babies.

  Tiko asked politely, “Am I allowed to attend Bree’s bonding ceremony?”

  “You are, but the blood must come off,” Detja replied.

  “Pantos take pride in wearing the blood of their enemies,” Tiko countered.

  “As do the warlords, but it’s not proper at a bonding ceremony,” Detja stated.

  Tiko bowed her head. “I will follow your customs.”

  “Good, let’s get started.”

  “Cut me loose,” Jaylan commanded.

  My grandmother just smiled. “Your mate is correct. You do need a time-out. Come.” She stepped into the corridor.

  I grinned at Jaylan’s stunned expression and followed Detja.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I stared at myself in the full-length mirror. Yay! I no longer looked like a refugee from a gory slasher movie. The swelling in my nose had gone down, and my hair was free of body parts.

  To celebrate my warrior status, Detja had woven bronze chains into three braids on the left side of my head. They looked pretty cool. My grandmother was a genius at makeup. She had skillfully covered the bruises decorating my face and made me look like a movie star. No small feat.

  My ceremonial tunic and leggings were a deep chocolate brown with a gold-and-bronze design etched into the fabric. I stroked the material. It felt like a blend of silk and velvet. I loved it. Even more awesome were the knee-high boots complete with jeweled daggers.

  Tiko padded into the room and sniffed me. “You no longer stink.”

  “And you’re no longer a bloody mess.” I did a double take. Tiko was wearing a thick gold collar with etching similar to the ones on my tunic. “Where did you get that?”

  “Your grandmother.” Tiko pushed me away from the mirror and admired herself. “She said I needed some bling for the ceremony.”

  “Excuse me, but did you say bling?”

  “I did.”

  “Huh.”

  Rami slithered out of the bathroom in a huff, wearing a matching collar around her neck. “Our bling tells the universe we belong to the Overlord.”

  “Now only a suicidal fool will attempt to kill or capture you,” Detja added from the doorway.

  Was that meant to reassure us? ’Cause, I seemed to a
ttract a lot of suicidal fools.

  Tiko let out a furious roar. “I belong to no one.”

  My grandmother raised an eyebrow in inquiry. “You want to keep your son safe?”

  “Yes,” Tiko answered; her tail lashed angrily.

  “Then you will abide by our rules,” Detja stated, an implacable note in her voice.

  “Easy, girl. You can’t eat her. Madal needs another day in the regen tube, and pissing off the Overlord is never a good idea,” I advised on a private link.

  With a low growl, Tiko rolled over on her back, exposing her stomach. “As you command.”

  “Good. Follow me. Voss has procured food for Rami and you.”

  Rami asked hopefully, “Did he catch any sand rats?”

  Detja picked her up. “He did. Nice fat ones, and he brought down a skidu for Tiko.”

  I scratched Tiko’s ear. “See? Belonging to the Overlord has its perks.”

  A purr rumbled in Tiko’s chest as she angled her head so I could pet both ears. “Skidus are tasty.”

  “What kind of goodies do I get? It is my big day.”

  “There will be chips, salsa, tacos, beer, and chocolate,” my grandmother said.

  “Yum, let’s go.”

  “All in good time. You have a visitor.” Detja touched the control panel. The door slid open to reveal my father, dressed in a spiffy black tunic and knee-high boots.

  My jaw dropped in astonishment. “Pops!”

  A big smile on his face, he opened his arms. “Give an old man a hug.”

  I threw my arms around him. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  “The ceremony begins in thirty minutes. Do not be late,” my grandmother warned in perfect English.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Come, Tiko.” She stepped into the corridor, and the tiger followed obediently behind her.

  The minute the door closed, I scanned Pops. “Are you okay? Did they hurt you?”

  “I’m fine. Zarek and I came to an agreement.”

  “Uh-huh.” I studied his face. Shit! His eyes had an amber tinge to them, and were those fangs? “Dear God, what have you done?”

  Pops grimaced. “I saved my troops and kept you in my life.”

  “The bastard had no right to demand this of you.”

  “It was my choice.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. “To become Coletti? You hate them.”

  “You’re Coletti, and I love you.”