“I know, but―” Leah threw the basil to the counter and wiped her hands on her apron. She couldn’t deny that she loved him, even if they hadn’t said it out loud yet.
“You don’t look very happy about it.” Peyton laid a hand on Leah’s shoulder.
To her chagrin, Leah burst into tears at the gesture. “I’m sorry. I―” She picked up the basil again, but Peyton pulled her into a hug.
“Did something happen?”
Leah shook her head and wiped her eyes, laughing at herself. “That’s the thing. I don’t want to get my hopes up. In case nothing does. Happen. Because what if I’m expecting it and then―nothing?”
Peyton patted her back, then pulled away to fill another piping bag. “I know this is hard for you because you like to be in control, but―”
“Are you calling me a control freak?” She sniffled through her half smile.
Peyton raised an eyebrow. “You’ve always had your whole life planned. You like to know how everything is going to go. You thought you were going to stay single. You planned for it. So now that things are changing, you’re scared.”
Leah searched for an argument. But she had nothing.
“But you’ve never been in control,” Peyton continued. “You know that. That’s God’s job.”
Leah nodded. She knew that.
And yet . . . did she?
What if remaining single wasn’t God’s will for her? What if she’d only told herself that so she wouldn’t have to risk getting hurt?
“You need to submit it all to God, Leah.” Peyton examined her handiwork on the cake. “Trust he’s got this. He’s got you.”
Leah nodded.
But she had a feeling that was going to be harder than it sounded.
“You good?” Dan didn’t break his stride, but Austin caught his glance.
“I’m good.” Austin huffed the words out. He knew Dan was probably used to running at a faster pace than this, but he felt good about holding his own this morning.
After how cold November had been, the days this week had warmed into the thirties, and there were only a few patches of brownish snow left at the sides of the road.
Much as Austin hoped Leah would get her white Christmas, he was grateful that the sidewalks were clear and dry enough to run again.
They pushed it hard for the last mile, and by the time they slowed to a walk in the church parking lot, Austin’s lungs burned.
But he felt good.
“So, Leah tells me you hope to redeploy.” Dan lifted his hands behind his head as they walked it off.
He should have known this was coming when Dan had invited him on a run this morning. But he’d agreed to it because he had something he wanted to ask Dan too.
“Yeah.” He tried to gauge Dan’s level of overprotectiveness. “It won’t affect my relationship with Leah, though, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Dan stopped at the sidewalk that led from the parking lot to his house and gave Austin a long look. “Of course it will. But she’s strong. She can handle that. Can you?” Dan leveled a look at him, but Austin met it full on.
His love for Leah was one thing he had no doubts about. “I can. In fact, I wanted to talk to you about that.”
Dan nodded, and Austin took it as an invitation to continue. “I’d like to ask Leah to marry me.”
Another nod. Either the guy had the best poker face in the world, or Austin’s declaration hadn’t surprised him.
“I know your dad passed away last year,” Austin continued. “So I was kind of hoping you’d be willing to give me your blessing.”
Dan studied him, and Austin forced himself to stay still and not look away.
“You should know that Leah has a strong faith,” Dan said finally. “It’s important to her.”
It was Austin’s turn to nod. He did know, and it was one of the things he loved about her.
“She’s not going to be content with someone who only goes to church to please her.” Dan regarded him. “Who doesn’t have a genuine faith.”
Austin swallowed. He knew that too. And although he’d once sworn to himself that he’d never believe again, over the past few weeks, as he’d sat at her side in church, as he’d listened to God’s Word, he’d almost wondered if he could believe again.
It was taking more and more work not to, especially after the way they’d found Jackson unharmed last week. It was hard to believe that was a coincidence.
Which meant God had answered that prayer.
Now if he’d just answer Austin’s prayers for Chad’s safety and his own redeployment, he might be convinced.
“So I don’t have your blessing?” Somehow the words found their way out.
Dan clapped a hand to his shoulder. “You have my blessing. And my prayers. That you see how much God loves you, no matter how things turn out.”
That wasn’t exactly the vote of confidence he was looking for.
But at least Dan hadn’t said no.
Chapter 34
As Leah gazed around the table at Austin and Jackson, one verse kept running through her head: My cup runs over.
It was the only way to describe how she felt right now.
Surely God had blessed her and made her heart run over with joy.
For the past week, she’d been unable to stop thinking about her conversation with Peyton. The one about giving over control of her life to God.
At first, she’d been annoyed and tried to force her thoughts to something else every time it came to mind. But over the past couple of days, she’d found herself softening to the idea.
And last night, as she’d lain in bed, she’d finally prayed the prayer she’d been putting off maybe her whole life. Lord, you made me, and you know me better than anyone else in this world. You know I like to be in control. Because I feel like if I’m in control, I can’t be hurt. But the truth is, Lord, I need you to be in control. Because you love me and know what’s best for me. Help me to trust that. And help me, if it is your will, to be open to a future with Austin.
Peace had enveloped her as she prayed. Not the peace of knowing she and Austin would marry―that she was still completely unsure of―but the peace of knowing that whatever happened with Austin was in God’s control. And that no matter what, she would always have the agape love of her Heavenly Father.
“What’s up with you?” Jackson asked around a bite of spaghetti. Leah couldn’t help the surge of happiness she felt every time he talked to her voluntarily.
Dan had been counseling the boy for the past couple weeks, and it seemed to be making a huge difference. It was such a blessing that her brother could not only help Jackson deal with some of the trauma of his past but could also share God’s Word with him in the process. The other day, Jackson had come home and told her that he thought he might want to be a pastor someday. Or a soldier.
“Nothing. Why?”
“You’re smiling really weird.”
“Am I?” But Leah already knew she was. And she couldn’t stop.
“What about me? Am I smiling weird?” Austin stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth and crossed his eyes.
Jackson pushed away from the table, picking up his empty plate. “And adults think kids are weird.”
“But you love us.” The words rolled off Leah’s tongue. Jackson hadn’t yet gone so far as to say it, but Leah could tell his heart was changing―and if he didn’t love her yet, he at least didn’t seem to hate her anymore.
“Whatever.” As Jackson fled the room, Leah could feel Austin’s eyes on her.
He reached across the table and laced his fingers through hers. “Before we clean this up, there’s something I want to tell you.”
A shiver of anticipation went up her spine. They hadn’t said “I love you” to each other yet. But Leah didn’t need to hear the words to know that was what this was.
Which wasn’t to say she’d mind hearing the words―or saying them.
“There’s something I want to tell you to
o.”
“Yeah?” His grin was slow and sweet, and she leaned closer to kiss him.
But as their lips met, his phone blared a sharp ringtone. He pulled back with a quick apology, then snatched the phone off the table and lifted it to his ear.
Leah worked not to be disappointed. He’d been jumping at every phone call lately, hoping it would bring news about his brother.
She couldn’t imagine how agonizing this must be for him, not knowing if Chad was safe.
It was agonizing for her to watch him go through it.
She squeezed his arm, then got up to clear the dishes. She hummed a hymn under her breath as she worked, and it took her a second to realize that Austin had called her name.
“Hmm?” She looked over her shoulder with an easy smile, but the moment she saw his white face and shaking hands, she dropped her rag and rushed to him. “What is it?”
He pulled the phone away from his ear and hit the speaker icon.
“We’re still looking, Austin. And I have no doubt he’ll show up any day. But I wanted you to hear it from me first.”
Austin stared at the phone, not blinking, not moving.
Leah reached to put her hand in his, and he gripped it as if afraid she’d disappear if he let go.
“I’m sorry.” She directed her comment toward the phone, even as her eyes remained on Austin. “Is this about Chad?”
“Sorry, who is this?” The man on the other end of the line sounded confused. “Where’s Austin?”
“I’m here.” Austin’s voice was rough, as if someone had scraped sandpaper over his vocal cords. “This is my―” He broke off, staring at their linked hands.
“I’m a friend.” She couldn’t worry about labels right now. And no matter what else they were―what else they might become―they were friends first.
“Did I understand you correctly? Are you saying Chad is missing in action?” Even though her voice was barely above a whisper, the words seemed to blare across the kitchen, and Austin’s arm convulsed under hers. She gripped his hand tighter.
“No ma’am. Not officially. But he was on an intel assignment, and he’s missed a couple of check-ins. I was just calling to prepare Austin. In case . . .”
Thankfully, he left the rest of the sentence off.
Austin asked a few more questions about people and places Leah had never heard of, then hung up the phone. As the room fell silent, Leah turned to wrap her arms around him. He returned the hug briefly, then slid back from the table.
“I have to make some calls.”
“Of course.” She told herself it was ridiculous to be upset by his abrupt tone. “You can use the living room. I’ll stay out of your hair. Unless you want me to―”
“I think I’ll go home. I’ve got some info on my computer.” He’d already moved to the front door and was pulling on his sweatshirt and hat.
Leah followed him, a wave of helplessness washing over her. She grabbed his arm as he reached for the door.
He lifted his head but refused to meet her eyes.
Pushing past her own hurt, she offered him the same comfort he’d given her when Jackson ran away. “We’re going to get through this. Together.”
With a nearly imperceptible nod, Austin pulled his arm away and left.
Chapter 35
Austin slammed his phone to the table.
Twenty-four hours of phone calls had gotten him no closer to answers.
What he really needed was to get his own boots on the ground. If he were there, at least he’d feel like he was actually doing something. Instead of being stuck here, useless.
He scrubbed his palms over his face. His eyes begged for sleep, but there was no way his mind would allow it.
His gaze went to the front window. The mail truck was just pulling up to his house.
Feeling as if he’d aged ten years in the past day, he forced himself to his feet. Maybe his reinstatement letter was in there today. Then he could get where he needed to be to help his brother.
Yeah, because your life always works out that way.
But he pushed the thought aside. God had taken enough from him. It was about time he cut Austin a break.
Outside, he couldn’t keep his eyes from going to Leah’s house. She’d stopped by three times already today, and each time he’d reassured her that he was fine and there was nothing she could do. He’d had to look away from the hurt in her eyes when he’d declined her offer to stay with him.
He had to be alone right now. He couldn’t have any distractions as he tried to figure out how to find his brother from seven thousand miles away.
He reached into the mailbox, pulling out a stack of envelopes. An electric bill, a Christmas card, two credit card offers, and, at the bottom of the stack, an envelope marked Department of the Army.
His heart roared, and the world moved in slow motion as he ripped the letter open, slid the single sheet of paper out, and unfolded it. He gulped in a quick breath before letting his eyes skim the letter.
The shaking in his hands intensified as he scanned the page. He couldn’t seem to focus. But four words stood out to him: permanent disability retired list.
He rubbed at his eyes and tried reading it again.
He had to be seeing it wrong.
But as he read the words more slowly this time, making himself absorb each one, his chest grew tighter and tighter, until he wasn’t sure he was breathing anymore.
His eyes caught on more phrases now: condition has stabilized, not fit for active duty, right to appeal the decision.
Darn right he was going to appeal the decision.
He tilted his head up, squinting into the brilliant blue of the winter sky. “Guess you don’t care after all.”
Chapter 36
The scent of garlic and herbs made Leah’s mouth water. She may have gone a little overboard, experimenting with four new recipes today. But she hadn’t known what else to do, when Austin kept pushing her away.
She understood, she really did, that he wanted to be alone. But that didn’t make her any less heartsick.
Heartsick not only for herself but for him and what he was going through and for his brother and whatever might have happened to him.
Please be with him, she prayed, trusting that God understood that by him she meant both Austin and his brother.
“Jackson, come help me carry some of this food over to Austin’s.”
It was too much to expect that Austin would come over for dinner. But the man still had to eat.
Jackson appeared in the kitchen. “Austin’s not coming over?” Lines of worry puckered the boy’s brow.
“I don’t think he’s up for it.” She’d already explained to Jackson what she knew of the situation, and her heart had nearly burst when he’d volunteered to pray for Austin.
“Here, you take that plate and this container, and I’ll take the pie.” In truth, she probably could have carried it all herself. But she hoped seeing Jackson might help Austin. And it might make things less awkward between the two of them.
Not bothering to make the boy put on a coat, Leah followed him out the door and across the now snowless yards.
Austin’s bloodshot eyes and haggard skin told her what she already knew―he hadn’t slept since he’d gotten that call yesterday.
“Hope you don’t mind being a guinea pig.” She worked to keep her voice cheerful. “I tried a bunch of new recipes today and had way too much food, so here you go.”
Austin gestured for them to come in. Jackson headed straight for the kitchen with his load, but Leah stopped to greet Austin with a kiss.
His lips were stiff on hers, and he pulled away after a quick peck. Leah stumbled slightly at his abrupt retreat but regained her footing and followed him to the kitchen.
“Any news?”
“No.”
She set the pie she’d been carrying on the counter and reached for him. But he flinched away.
Blinking back the moisture that threatened, she busied herself d
ishing food onto a plate for him.
“I know what I forgot to tell you.” She reached for the thin book she’d brought along with the food. “Dan did some digging, and he found out that your parents did go to Hope Church. There’s even a picture of them.” She paged through the book until she came to it. “This must be before you and your brother were born.”
Austin’s eyes flitted to the book, then jumped away. He pressed his lips together. “Thanks for dinner.”
Leah blinked at the clear dismissal. Maybe he wanted to be alone. But too bad.
They were in this together.
“I know this is hard, Austin.” She kept her voice low. “But we’re just trying to help. To be here for you. I wish you’d talk to us.”
“You want me to talk?” The words exploded out of Austin, and she had to stop herself from taking a step back. “Okay, what should I talk about? The fact that my brother is missing? And that there isn’t a single thing I can do about it since the army has found me unfit to serve my country?” His chest heaved.
“What?” Leah dared to take a step closer, but Austin paced out of her grasp.
“Don’t act all shocked. It’s what you said would happen. What you wanted to happen.”
“Austin, I never―” She reached for him again, but again he sidestepped her. “Can we talk?”
“Stop trying to fix me.” Austin’s voice lashed into her. “All your talk about going along with whatever God’s will is. Well, God’s will may have cost me my brother.”
“Don’t talk to her like that.”
Leah’s head lifted in surprise. Jackson had been so quiet on his perch at the breakfast bar that she’d almost forgotten he was there.
But now he jumped off his stool, facing Austin head-on.
“It’s all right, Jackson.” Leah moved toward the boy. “Why don’t we give Austin some space? Come on.”
Jackson stared down the larger man for another few seconds, then walked to the front door.
Leah followed more slowly, not quite sure how her heart was staying in one piece when it wanted to break for him.
Not Until Christmas Morning (Hope Springs Book 5) Page 19
