Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  AN OFFER HE COULDN’T REFUSE

  Film buffs know that we have George Lucas to thank for Star Wars. We can thank him for The Godfather, too. In November 1969, Coppola had founded his own film company, American Zoetrope, and its first project was to turn his friend George’s student film, THX-1138, into a feature-length movie. Today it’s a cult classic, but it was such a dud when it was first released that it nearly forced American Zoetrope into bankruptcy. Coppola was so desperate to keep the studio’s doors open that when Ruddy offered him the Godfather job a second time in late 1970, he agreed to at least give the novel another look.

  This time Coppola read the book all the way through. He found more sections that he didn’t like, but he was also captivated by the central story of the relationship between the Godfather, Don Corleone, and his three sons. He realized that if he could strip away the lurid parts and focus on the central characters, The Godfather had a shot at becoming a very good film.

  Part II of the story is on page 354.

  Long distance: A hippo’s call can be heard from more than a mile away.

  BEULAH LAND, PART I

  Here’s a little-known slice of Americana: the story of how freed slaves changed the face of the American West.

  LAND OF OPPORTUNITY

  In 1865 the American Civil War came to an end and four million black slaves were free. But to what future? The South lay in ruins, its plantation economy shattered. Most slaves had been field workers or tenant farmers, and working the land was the only job they knew. Although they were now free to buy land to farm, few had the money. Even worse, a new terror was rising across the South as hostile whites, bitter in defeat, donned the white hoods of the Ku Klux Klan and began to terrorize the black community. But there was a way out…and it lay to the west.

  The Homestead Act of 1862 offered grants of 160 acres of public lands on the Great Plains to anyone who would farm the land for five years. Thousands of Southern blacks joined the flood of settlers heading west to what they called “Beulah Land”—the Promised Land—only their mission was slightly different. Yes, the promise of owning their own land was sweet. But sweeter still was the possibility of living independent lives untouched by fear and racism. So they banded together and developed all-black communities, with their own banks, their own newspapers, their own businesses, and their own schools and colleges.

  OKLAHOMA, THE ALL-BLACK STATE?

  Although blacks migrated to every state and territory in the West, the territory of Oklahoma quickly became the preferred place to settle: A sizable number of African-Americans already lived there, having come as slaves with the Cherokee and other tribes during the Trail of Tears in 1838. After emancipation they bought land in Indian territory (often with the help of the Indians, who, under fierce pressure to give up their land to new settlers, preferred to sell it to black Americans). A number of black leaders, such as Edward P. McCabe and Hannibal C. Carter, led the push.

  Carter established the Freedmen’s Oklahoma Immigration Association in Chicago in 1881 specifically to help blacks move to Oklahoma. They even convinced one U.S. Senator—Henry W. Blair of New Hampshire—to introduce a bill to make Oklahoma an all-black state. That legislation never passed, but the Land Run of 1889 opened up even more Oklahoma land to black settlers, leading to the establishment of scores of black towns. Using 360 acres won in the Land Run, McCabe founded the town of Langston, named after John H. Langston, a black congressman from Virginia. Dubbing it “The Only Distinctively Negro City in America,” McCabe used his newspaper, the Langston City Herald, to promote the town to black communities back in the South. Langston University, founded in 1908, is the only remaining historically black college in Oklahoma.

  The world’s longest movie, Cure For Insomnia (1987), runs 85 hours.

  BROUGHT LOW BY JIM CROW

  By 1910 there were 59 all-black towns across the west, 29 in Oklahoma alone. Their successes were hard won: As more and more whites came into the area, they brought with them the racist attitudes that prevailed in the rest of the country. The early 20th century was the era of “Jim Crow,” as discriminatory laws and practices designed specifically to limit and suppress the rights of black people were not only acceptable, but were the order of the day. (The name Jim Crow dates back to the minstrel shows of the 1830s, where white performer Thomas “Daddy” Rice blackened his face with burnt cork and danced a jig while singing the lyrics to a song called “Jump Jim Crow.” His parody of a dancing black man became so well known that by the Civil War, the words “Jim Crow” had become a racial slur.)

  In Oklahoma, the white majority-controlled legislature began passing laws blocking black immigration into the state and limiting where blacks could buy land. Black businesses and farmers were allowed to buy and sell their services and crops only within their own small communities. Worse yet, they could only borrow from black-owned banks, which made them vulnerable to even the slightest downturn in the economy. But the death knell of the black townships in Oklahoma sounded in 1921 in Greenwood, an all-black district of Tulsa.

  To read about the Greenwood Riots and other challenges to black towns in the West, turn to Part II of the story on page 344.

  India’s one-billionth citizen was born on May 18, 2000.

  Ever wonder how rock bands get their names? So do we. After some digging around, we found these origins.

  CHICAGO. They originally called themselves Chicago Transit Authority, but had to shorten it after the city of Chicago sued.

  ALICE COOPER. Lead singer Vincent Furnier claims to have gotten his stage name from a Ouija board, through which he met a spirit with that name.

  EURYTHMICS. An 1890s system of music instruction that emphasized physical response.

  METALLICA. Drummer Lars Ulrich was helping a friend name a heavy metal magazine. Ulrich’s two suggestions: 1) Metal Mania (which the friend used), and 2) Metallica.

  THE REPLACEMENTS. They were filling in for another band at the last minute. When the MC asked who the band was, singer Paul Westerberg replied, “The replacements.”

  WHITE STRIPES. While the band members are named Jack and Meg White, the band is named for Meg’s love of red-and-white-striped peppermint candies.

  WEEZER. Lead singer Rivers Cuomo got this nickname in grade school. He had asthma.

  THE SMITHS. They wanted a generic name that wouldn’t suggest anything about the band’s kind of music.

  XTC. Singer Andy Partridge saw an old movie in which Jimmy Durante said, “That’s it, I’m in ecstasy!”

  BLACK SABBATH. From a 1963 Boris Karloff horror movie.

  DEF LEPPARD. Singer Joe Elliot once drew a picture of a leopard with no ears—a “deaf leopard.”

  Keep trying! At last count, Ozzy Osbourne has been in rehab 14 times.

  MOODY BLUES. They named the band in honor of one of their favorite songs—Duke Ellington’s “Mood Indigo.”

  BADFINGER. They were originally called the Iveys. When they signed with the Beatles’ Apple Records label, Paul McCartney gave them this name. It was the original title of the Beatles song “A Little Help from My Friends.”

  FALL OUT BOY. In their early years, they asked an audience what their name should be. Somebody yelled “Fall Out Boy.” They liked it and took it, unaware that it was the name of a character on The Simpsons. When they found out, they feared they’d be sued. But The Simpsons’ producers thought the band had the name first, and that they were going to be sued. (Neither was.)

  DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. Named after a song written by Monty Python collaborator Neil Innes for his 1960s psychedelic group, the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.

  TLC. It’s not what you think. It comes from the first letters of each of the group’s first names: Tionne, Lisa, and Chilli.

  EMINEM. The rapper gave himself this stage name using his initials—M and M (for Marshall Mathers)—spelled out phonetically.

  NINE INCH NAILS. Nine-inch nails are used in coffins. Singer Trent Reznor made a list of potential band names and settled
on this one because “it still sounded good after two weeks” and could be easily abbreviated.

  WINGS. Paul McCartney came up with it while waiting in a hospital wing as his wife Linda was giving birth to one of their children.

  EVERCLEAR. Named after an extremely strong (190 proof) grain alcohol.

  COLDPLAY. They stole it from another band that broke up. The original band got the name from a book by poet Philip Horky, entitled Child’s Reflections, Cold Play.

  What? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention: Aprosexia is the inability to concentrate.

  On a recent trip to Ireland, Uncle John spent many an evening going from pub to pub collecting traditional toasts (and many a morning after, begging for aspirin). Here are some favorites:

  May you have food and clothing, a soft pillow for your head;

  May you be forty years in heaven, before the devil knows you’re dead.

  For every wound, a balm.

  For every sorrow, a cheer.

  For every storm, a calm.

  For every thirst, a beer.

  May the roof above us never

  fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

  Here’s health and prosperity,

  to you and all your posterity, And them that doesn’t drink with sincerity, That they may be damned for all eternity!

  Gentlemen, start your livers!

  May we live to learn well,

  and learn to live well.

  May your right hand always

  be stretched out in friendship and never in want.

  Here’s to warm words on a cold

  evening, A full moon on a dark night, And the road downhill all the way to your door.

  Success to the lover, honor

  to the brave, health to the sick, and freedom to the slave.

  May the Lord keep you in

  His hand, And never close

  His fist too tight on you.

  Old wood to burn, old books

  to read, old wine to drink, old friends to trust.

  May misfortune follow you

  the rest of your life, but never catch up.

  Champagne to our real

  friends, and real pain to our sham friends.

  May you live as long as you

  want, and never want as long as you live.

  May I see you gray, combing

  your grandchildren’s hair.

  May the people who dance

  on your grave get cramps in their legs.

  Health and long life to you,

  The woman of your choice to you, A child every year to you, Land without rent to you, And may you die in Ireland.

  In Italy, Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino.”

  Save these classic curses to use against people who refuse to toast you.

  May the curse of Mary Maline and her nine blind children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself won’t find you with a telescope.

  May your daughter’s beauty

  be admired by everyone in the circus.

  May the devil cut the head

  off you and make a day’s work of your neck.

  Six horse-loads of graveyard

  clay upon you.

  May I live just long enough

  to bury you.

  May you be afflicted with

  the itch and have no nails to scratch with.

  All your teeth should fall

  out except one, and you should have a toothache in that one.

  May the seven terriers of hell

  sit on the spool of your breast and bark in at your soul-case.

  May you be transformed into

  a chandelier, to hang by day and burn by night.

  May you win a lottery and

  spend it all on doctors.

  May the devil swallow you

  sideways.

  May you live in a house of

  100 rooms, and may each room have its own bed, and may you wander every night from room to room, and from bed to bed, unable to sleep.

  May you go stone-blind so

  that you can’t tell your wife from a haystack.

  Your nose should grow so

  much hair it strains your soup.

  May fire and brimstone never

  fail to fall in showers on you.

  May you have devoted

  children to chase the flies off your nose.

  May you back into a pitchfork

  and grab a hot stove for support.

  May those who love us love

  us. And those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.

  Every American space-flight menu has included chocolate. So has every Russian space menu.

  BAMBOO: ONE INCREDIBLE PLANT

  And not just because the Professor can make a Geiger counter out of it, Gilligan.

  BIG BAMBOO

  To many people in the Western world, bamboo is an exotic plant, one most often used by landscapers for aesthetic reasons. In the Eastern world, however, it is very different. More than a billion Asians live in houses made of bamboo, and there are more than 37 million acres of bamboo reserves—an area about the size of Illinois—in India and China alone. Bamboo is used to make such diverse products as boats, furniture, musical instruments, chopsticks, scaffolding, and even food and medicine. Use of the versatile plant has been spreading west slowly for more than a century, but now, with modern technology improving and expanding its uses, and because it is so fast-growing and quickly renewable, some experts say that bamboo is poised to become one of the most important plant species of the 21st century.

  LATE BLOOMER

  So, what is bamboo? It’s a member of the Poaceae family—the grasses—which includes the grass in your lawn, along with all the grains, such as wheat, corn, and rice. And several species of bamboo make up the largest members of this family. Grasses are relatively “new” plants on Earth, not having appeared until around the time of the disappearance of the dinosaurs, about 65 million years ago. Bamboo, experts say, didn’t appear until 35 million years ago. Because of grasses’ ability to survive in a great variety of climates—dry plains and savannahs, marshes, and mountains—they have become one of the most successful types of plant life on Earth. There are about 9,000 different species of grasses; 1,200 of them are bamboo.

  Bamboo can be found in temperate and tropical regions around the globe and is native to every continent except Antarctica and Europe. More than half of all bamboo species are found in Asia, most of them in China. But several also exist throughout India and Southeast Asia, down to northern Australia, all across sub-Saharan Africa and into Madagascar, and in the Americas. Over time, bamboo spread not so much by natural forces, but, just like the grains so vital to the development of civilization, by its close relationship to humans.

  Did they put skates on their barrels? Niagara Falls froze solid in the winter of 1925.

  MAN-BOO

  The oldest existing bamboo artifacts, plaited mats found in China, date back more than 7,500 years. In China, especially, the plant is deeply interwoven into the culture of the people. Bamboo tubes and bamboo waterwheels were integral to the development of agriculture in China, as they provided a means to irrigate the land for another useful grass—rice. Bamboo bridges were built by the thousands—some of them so long they still confound engineers—promoting travel, trade, and the unification of disparate peoples.

  The uses derived from bamboo expanded greatly over the centuries, and spread—or sprang up independently—wherever the plant grew. Baskets, drinking cups, weapons, fencing, paint brushes, rafts, and numerous other products were developed, affecting civilizations from Japan to the Congo, and from the Andes to Alabama.

  BAMBOOZLED

  The physical qualities of bamboo are surprising. It is harder than maple or oak, and has a much greater dimensional stability than either of these hardwoods (it doesn’t shrink or
expand as much as wood, which explains, in part, its current popularity for flooring). Its tensile strength—the amount of pulling force it can withstand before it breaks—is greater than steel’s. Bamboo’s compressive strength is comparable to concrete; its weight-to-strength ratio is greater than graphite. And it has sustainable qualities that make it even more remarkable.

  Bamboo is the fastest-growing plant on Earth: Recorded growth rates have been clocked at two inches an hour. Huge shoots can attain maximum height in less than two months. Maximum height? A world-record giant bamboo was found in 2003 by researchers at Yunnan University in southwestern China. The culm (the tubelike stem) was 150 feet tall, weighed 990 pounds, and was 14 inches in diameter. The rapid growth rate has obvious economic advantages:

  Nerd…or prodigy? Bill Gates started programming at the age of 13.

  A bamboo plantation can be harvested in 3–5 years, compared to a 10–20 year cycle for most softwood trees. And because it’s a grass, bamboo can be harvested without killing the plant. Most of the biomass of bamboo is underground, so it will just send up shoots the following year—more and progressively bigger ones.

  ECO-FACTS

  • Bamboo leaves contain up to 15% protein, providing high-nutrition fodder for several species of animals (not just pandas!).

  • Growing on otherwise unsuitable or degraded land, the dense and fibrous root system of bamboo retains moisture, prevents erosion, and helps to rebuild the soil.

  • You’ve heard that plants “breathe” for the Earth? Well, bamboo breathes better than trees do. Bamboo absorbs more carbon dioxide from the atmosphere than an equal area of trees, and produces about 30% more oxygen.