Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  —New York Post

  WHAT A SHOCK

  “A British policeman lost his stun gun after leaving it on his police car roof and driving off. The officer only noticed the weapon, which gives a 50,000 volt electric shock, was gone when he got to his destination. He retraced his route, but there was no sign of the pistol. ‘We are concerned that it could fall into the wrong hands,’ police chief Paul Pearce said. ‘If anyone has seen it at the roadside, we ask them to notify the police.’”

  —The Mirror (U.K.)

  It would take a manned rocketship 70,000 years to reach the next closest solar system.

  BILLY MITCHELL’S BATTLE, PART I

  History often shows us that radical ideas which upset the status quo are simply ahead of their time. This is the story of a bold man whose forward thinking eventually helped the Allies win World War II.

  AN AMERICAN IN PARIS

  In April 1917, 37-year-old Major William “Billy” Mitchell arrived in Paris to assist in coordinating America’s entry into World War I. The war had been raging since 1914, but the United States was only entering the conflict now, having just declared war against Germany.

  Mitchell was attached to the aviation section of the Army Signal Corps, then the branch of the military in charge of aviation. His job was to integrate American planes into the Allied war effort. There weren’t many planes to integrate—the Army had purchased its very first plane (from the Wright Brothers) only eight years earlier; by 1917 the U.S. air fleet had grown to 55 planes, piloted by the only 35 officers who knew how to fly. Fifty-one of the 55 planes were already obsolete and the remaining four weren’t much better. This was compared to thousands of combat aircraft fielded by England, France, Italy, and Germany.

  Airplanes weren’t a high priority for the U.S. military: When Mitchell first arrived in Paris, he had to use his own money to set up an aviation office (in space borrowed from an American-owned company). When he asked the Army for $50,000 to staff and fund it, his request was denied.

  AERIAL ADVANCES

  In addition to lacking planes, the U.S. military needed to catch up with European aviation. Aerial warfare was still in its infancy but it was evolving quickly: When the war started in 1914, aircraft were used only as unarmed spotters for the artillery. These planes were so effective in helping cannons pound enemy targets that both sides started sending their pilots up with pistols, rifles, and shotguns to shoot enemy spotters out of the sky. By the time the U.S. entered the war, both sides had begun building fighter planes with built-in machine guns synchronized with the plane’s motor so they could shoot through the spinning propellers without striking the blades.

  Got a favorite? The seven deadly sins are lust, pride, anger, envy, sloth, avarice, and gluttony.

  Bombers had made even more progress since the start of the war: In 1914 zeppelins, not airplanes, had been used as bombers. Although they dropped 100-pound bombs, they were too slow and too easy to shoot down to be very effective. But within a few years, giant twin-engined German Gotha biplanes began crossing the English Channel to drop 1,100-pound bombs on targets in England.

  QUICK STUDY

  Mitchell spent ten days touring the front, then flew over the battlefield in an airplane. If he’d had any doubts about the importance airplanes would have in future conflicts, they ended when he went over the frontline trenches. “We could cross the lines in a few minutes in our airplane,” he later wrote, “whereas the armies had been locked in the struggle, immovable, powerless to advance, for three years.”

  Mitchell spent the next year and a half learning as much as possible about aerial combat from the more experienced British and French pilots. Then, as the American Expeditionary Force prepared to launch its first major attack near Saint-Mihiel, France, on September 12, 1918, he organized what became the largest air offensive to date: nearly 1,500 British, French, Italian, and American planes, operating in waves of 400, flew across the front lines and tried to destroy the German fleet of 2,000 aircraft on the ground before they could join the battle.

  The strategy paid off: Those planes that weren’t destroyed were put on the defensive, giving control of the skies to the Allies and helping them clear the Germans out of a part of France that they had occupied continuously since 1914. General John J. Pershing was so impressed that he promoted Mitchell to brigadier general.

  ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

  Mitchell had big ideas for how air power could be used in the battles to come: He thought that a good way to break up the stalemate of trench warfare would be to give soldiers parachutes and start dropping them behind enemy lines, bypassing the trenches altogether. In addition to making tactical use of airplanes—having them attack enemy soldiers and airplanes—he thought they should also be used strategically—they could fly deep into enemy territory to destroy factories, military installations, and transportation networks.

  King Louis XIV is credited with being the first person to add sugar to coffee, in 1715.

  But before Mitchell could put any of his ideas to use, the war ended. Germany signed an armistice on November 11, 1918, just two months after the giant air offensive at Saint-Mihiel.

  BRAVE NEW WORLD

  The First World War was over, but the struggle over the future of the U.S. military was just beginning. Mitchell knew that air power had profoundly changed the nature of warfare. In the past, whether armies and navies won or lost depended largely upon how well their ground strengths measured up against the opponents’. But in the future, Mitchell believed, the deciding factor would be who controlled the skies over the battlefield.

  Unfortunately, not many other American military leaders understood this, and it worried Mitchell. Saint-Mihiel was only one battle—would the officers who hadn’t been there realize its significance? When the next great war came, other countries might have air forces capable of inflicting great damage upon American forces on land and at sea. The United States would need to develop air power to defend itself. Yes, it had prevailed in World War I, even though it was way behind in the air race. But that was only because it had allies, and because aerial warfare was so new. What about the next war—would America be ready?

  What happened next may surprise you. For Part II of the Billy Mitchell story, fly over to page 399.

  * * *

  FOUR THINGS MICK JAGGER—BORN IN 1943—IS OLDER THAN

  The transistor (1947)

  Israel (1948)

  Velcro (1948)

  Cake mix (1949)

  Radiation from the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear accident was detected as far south as Italy.

  CUTE…AND EVIL

  Think they’re cuddly? They’ll bite your face off if you let them.

  A78-YEAR-OLD AUSTRALIAN man was hospitalized after being attacked by a koala. He approached the dazed animal after hitting it with his car. “He fooled me,” said Jack Higgs. “I went to grab his back legs to sort of drag him off the road; he turned around and struck me.” Higgs was treated for deep scratches on his legs. The koala was released back to the wild.

  A BOCA RATON, FLORIDA, woman was walking her pet Chihuahua when a river otter jumped out of a canal, grabbed the dog, and dragged it into the water. “The otter starts dunking him to drown him like they do to fish,” said Leah Vanon. “I started punching the otter in the face, which I felt really bad about because it’s cute. But it was killing my dog.” (She saved the pooch.)

  DOUG BOWES OF SANTA ROSA, California, was walking in a field near his home in 2002 when a small jackrabbit bounded toward him. “I thought, ‘Gosh, this is somebody’s pet,’” he later told reporters. He reached his hand down to pet the bunny—and it bit him. Bowes had to get six rounds of rabies injections. And the best part: It was Easter.

  IN THE 1970S, ACTRESS Susan Sarandon took part in a study on human interaction with dolphins, during which she became friendly with a dolphin named Joe. All was going well until Joe’s mate, Rosie, suddenly attacked Sarandon, biting her on the hand and nearly breaking her wrist. “Apparently
, an enraged, jealous dolphin is incredibly dangerous,” Sarandon said.

  CAN FINCHES BE KEPT with parakeets? That’s what a reader of bird expert Myra Markley’s Web site asked. Markley’s answer: “I have been called to many homes where parakeets have been added to the aviary. The owners want to know why the finches keep dying. I stand quietly and watch the birds interact and force the owners to do the same. In most cases I’ve only needed to wait a few minutes. A parakeet grabs the finch and either rips out a beak full of feathers or crushes the tiny finch’s head or neck.” In other words…no.

  Winged winos: Butterflies can get drunk on the juice of rotten fruit.

  HE’S A CURLY WOLF

  Real cowboy slang of the late 19th century was a lot different from the way it’s been depicted in movies and on TV. Some examples:

  Coffee boiler: A lazy person who sits around the coffee pot instead of helping with the work.

  Big bug: Important person; big shot.

  Bone orchard: Cemetery.

  The boss: The best.

  He only gave it a lick and a promise: He did a poor job.

  Crow bait: A poor-quality horse.

  Shin out: To run away.

  Clean someone’s plow: To beat them up.

  You’re all down but nine: You don’t understand—refers to missing all the pins in a game of nine-pin bowling.

  Coffin varnish: Bad coffee.

  Grub-line rider: Someone who travels from ranch to ranch looking for work.

  Curly wolf: A very tough, very dangerous person.

  Flannel mouth: A smooth talker.

  California widow: A wife who lives apart from her husband because he has gone West to seek his fortune.

  Gospel sharp: A preacher. (As skilled with the Bible as a card sharp is with cards.)

  Indian haircut: A scalping.

  Quirley: A cigarette you roll yourself.

  Cowboy change: Bullets (sometimes used as quarters or dimes when coins were short).

  Fightin’ wages: Extra money paid to cowboys for fighting Indians or cattle rustlers.

  Take French leave: To desert, or leave without permission.

  Dude: An Easterner or well-dressed person (they wear “duds”).

  Someone to ride the river with: Someone dependable.

  Beat the Devil around the stump: To procrastinate.

  Honda: The eyelet at the end of a lasso that’s used to make the loop.

  On average, a movie makes about five times more from its video sales than its ticket sales.

  SPICY STORIES

  In our quest to not cook up a bland book, our seasoned researchers spiced things up with a dash of tasty origins.

  ALLSPICE

  Allspice grows naturally in the West Indies and Central America, where Spanish explorers discovered it in the 16th century. They thought the shrubby tree’s fruit looked like peppercorns, so they called the plant pimienta, Spanish for “pepper.” But it isn’t pepper—its pungent aroma has been described as a mixture of cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, and black pepper. For that reason, English traders who brought it back from Spain gave it the name allspice. Fun fact: Seventeenth-century pirates put allspice on meat to preserve it for long sea voyages—a French process known as boucan, which gave the pirates the name boucaniers, or buccaneers. Today, allspice is an ingredient in sausage, pickles, and curry.

  ROSEMARY

  One legend says that as the Virgin Mary fled King Herod’s soldiers (given orders to kill all first-born babies), a thick bush miraculously parted to allow her to hide behind it. She remained there for several hours. She draped her blue cloak over the bush’s white flowers, and in the morning the flowers had turned blue. The bush became known as “the rose of Mary.” Medieval monasteries, known for herb and plant cultivation, grew the sacred herb for medicinal purposes, to spice food, and to be used as incense at weddings.

  VANILLA

  Most spices originated in Asia, where they grow wild and have been used for centuries. But vanilla, the beanlike fruit of an orchid, is native to North America. The Aztecs used it to flavor chocolate drinks that Spanish conquistador Hernando Cortés brought back to Europe in the 1500s. Aristocrats and royalty throughout Europe loved the exotic beverage, but it wasn’t until 1602 that vanilla was used without chocolate, when a chemist working for Queen Elizabeth I of England discovered that vanilla made a good flavoring agent by itself.

  About a fifth of France’s population lives in or around Paris.

  BASIL

  A native of Asia and Africa, basil was sacred in ancient India, and believed to be the disguised form of Lakshmi, wife of the Hindu god Vishnu. Anyone who broke basil twigs was said to have their prayers go unanswered. Leaves, however, were allowed to be plucked and placed on the dead to assure admittance to heaven. Ancient Greeks brought the herb back from Persia and also treated it with reverence. They called it basilikon, which means “royal.” Only kings were permitted to cut basil, and only with a golden sickle. Long used as a cooking ingredient in Asia and the Mediterranean, the sweet herb became popular in western Europe in the 16th century after British explorers brought it back from India.

  SESAME SEED

  Cultivation of sesame seeds—believed to be one the first crops grown specifically for their taste—dates back at least to 3000 B.C. in India. Egyptians imported it, and the plant flourished in the Middle East, where it inspired the phrase “open sesame,” a magical incantation that opens an entrance in the book 1,001 Nights. Reason: Hundreds of sesame seeds are encased in every pod. When the plant is ripe, the slightest touch causes the pod to explode open. Sesame seeds came to Europe in the first century through the spice trade. The trade route gradually extended into Africa, where, via the 17th-century slave trade, the seeds made their way to the western hemisphere.

  FENNEL

  Fennel was one of the first herbs to be cultivated in the Western world. It was sacred to ancient Greeks; according to mythology, Prometheus used the stalk of a fennel plant to steal fire from the gods. And in 490 B.C. Athens defeated Persian invaders on a battlefield covered in fennel. The plant was considered such good luck that the adjacent village was named Marathon, meaning “place of fennel.” In ancient Rome, fennel was used for medicinal purposes (Romans thought chewing on it prevented obesity). In medieval times, the herb was hung from the rafters of homes to keep out ghosts and witches, a practice that may have sprung from fennel’s effectiveness as an insect repellent.

  The U.S. death toll from the 1918 flu epidemic was so high that it created a coffin shortage.

  BENNIES FROM HEAVEN

  In this age of corporate scandal, it’s nice to know that some companies go out of their way to let their employees know they’re appreciated. Here are some fantastic—and unusual—job perks.

  • At a New York consulting firm called Inlumen, employees get a cash award of $50 a month to spend on “someone they love.”

  • Boot manufacturer Timberland offers a $3,000 subsidy to any employee who buys a gas/electric hybrid car.

  • Workers at New Belgium Brewing in Colorado get a free bike on their one-year anniversary with the company (they make Fat Tire beer). And after five years, they get a free trip…to Belgium.

  • BMW Financial Services pays all healthcare costs for workers and their families. And if the employee doesn’t have a family, the company will help out there, too, with $30,000 toward fertility treatments.

  • Acuity Insurance has a well-stocked fish pond on the company campus. Workers get to keep what they catch. Another perk: Acuity pays for Weight Watchers—but only if the employee meets his or her goal weight.

  • Outdoor supply company Patagonia will pay for employees to go on a two-month “environmental crusade.”

  • The OhioHealth hospital system provides free concierge service to its 15,200 workers. Everybody, from doctors to janitors, has someone to run any errand, such as feeding pets, meeting repair workers at their home, or waiting in line for concert tickets.

  • At the Univers
ity of Notre Dame, children of staff and faculty get four years of free tuition. And if they don’t want to go to Notre Dame, the college will pay 30% of the cost to attend another college.

  • In addition to regular sick days and vacation time, the Calvert Group, an investment firm in Maryland, provides workers with an extra 12 paid days off per year to do volunteer work.

  Sing Sing was the first prison to use fingerprinting for identification purposes, in 1903.

  DIVA OF THE DESERT

  This unique performer craves the spotlight…but doesn’t much care about the size of the audience.

  IF YOU BUILD IT…

  In the scorched wasteland of Death Valley, California, lies one of the most unusual theaters in America: the Amargosa Opera House. The quirk is that no opera is ever performed there—only ballet. And there is only one performer: a prima ballerina named Marta Becket, who at 79 years of age still performs her solo show in the desert, as she has for the last 38 years.

  In 1967 Becket, a dancer and artist from New York, was on a camping trip in the desert with her husband. When they had a flat tire on their trailer, a local park ranger told them they could get it fixed in Death Valley Junction. The town had been built in the 1920s by the Pacific Coast Borax Company to house its mine workers. While her husband stayed at the gas station with the trailer, Marta poked around the small compound of adobe buildings. Aside from the old company offices, there was a 23-room hotel with a lavishly painted lobby, still open for business, and something that really caught her eye: a rundown community center known as Corkhill Hall.

  Peeking through a hole in Corkhill’s door, she saw a small stage with tattered cotton curtains. Trash was strewn between the wooden benches that faced the stage. Marta said later, “Peering through the tiny hole, I had the distinct feeling that I was looking at the other half of myself. The building seemed to be saying, ‘take me…do something with me…I offer you life.’”