Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader
Page 23
TO THE DRAWING BOARD
Of course, these skirmishes paled in comparison to World War I, which raged from 1914 to 1918. That war, which was precipitated by the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria, caught most of the belligerents by surprise. It also lasted longer and was far more costly in blood and treasure than anyone ever dreamed a war could be. None of the nations that fought in it wanted to be caught off guard again; many began planning for whatever war might be lurking around the corner. The American military drafted a whole series of color-coded war plans to cover just about every conceivable scenario: War Plan Black was a plan for war with Germany; War Plan Orange dealt with Japan, a rapidly growing power in the Pacific. Other colors included Green (Mexico), Gold (France), Brown (The Philippines), and Yellow (China). There was even a War Plan Indigo, in case the United States had to invade Iceland, and a War Plan White that dealt with civil unrest within America’s own borders.
Most people who are allergic to cats aren’t allergic to cat fur, cat dander, cat saliva, or cat urine…
SEEING RED
War Plan Red was America’s plan for going to war with the British Empire, in the unlikely event that Britain (code name: Red) decided to “eliminate [the United States] as an economic and commercial rival.” Since Canada (code name: Crimson) was part of the Empire and shared a 5,527-mile border with the U.S., much of the plan dealt with invading Canada and knocking it out of action before the British could use it as a staging ground for attacks on the U.S.
Here’s how an invasion of Canada would have gone:
• The United States (code name: Blue) would attack and occupy Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada’s largest Atlantic port. The attack would deny Britain access to the rail and road links it would need to land troops in Canada and disperse them across the country.
• Next, the U.S. Army would attack across the border along three fronts: Troops would attack from either Vermont or New York to occupy Montreal and Quebec City; from Michigan into Ontario; and from North Dakota into Manitoba. Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy would take control of the Great Lakes. The effects of these attacks would be to seize Canada’s industrial heartland while preventing similar attacks on America, and to further disrupt the movement of Canadian troops from one part of the country to another.
• Troops would cross from Washington into British Columbia and seize Vancouver, Canada’s largest Pacific port. The U.S. Navy would blockade the port of Prince Rupert, 460 miles to the north.
Once the crisis passed and relations between America, Canada, and Great Britain returned to normal, the U.S. troops would be withdrawn from Canadian territory, right? No—“Blue intentions are to hold in perpetuity all Crimson and Red territory gained,” the military planners wrote. “The policy will be to prepare the provinces and territories of Crimson and Red to become states and territories of the Blue union upon the declaration of peace.”
…they are actually allergic to sebum, a fatty substance secreted by the cat’s sebaceous glands.
THE FOG OF WAR(S)
So how seriously was the United States considering invading Canada? In all probability, not very. War Plan Red doesn’t go into nearly as much detail as War Plan Black (Germany) or War Plan Orange (Japan), which military planners correctly assumed were much more significant threats. The intent of the other color-coded plans may have been to make war plans involving Germany and Japan seem less controversial. Why the subterfuge? After the horrors of World War I, in which nearly 10 million soldiers died, many people concluded that planning for wars only made them more likely.
The U.S. military didn’t feel this way, of course, and one way they may have gotten around public opinion was to come up with all kinds of improbable war plans to make the real plans more palatable. A public that would not have tolerated the idea of the preparing for war with Germany and Japan would be less alarmed by the idea of the United States preparing for war with Germany, Japan, Canada, Iceland, Jamaica, Monaco, and Andorra.
WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE…
Any sting Canadians may have felt when War Plan Red was declassified in 1974 was offset by the knowledge that Canada had drafted its own plans for invading the United States, and had done so several years before War Plan Red was approved in 1930. “Defense Scheme No. 1,” as it was called, was created in 1921 by James Sutherland “Buster” Brown, Canada’s director of military operations and intelligence. In many respects it was the opposite of War Plan Red: In the event that an American attack was imminent, Canadian forces would strike first, attacking and occupying key cities such as Albany, Minneapolis, and Seattle.
Unlike with War Plan Red, these cities wouldn’t be annexed or even occupied for any longer than was absolutely necessary. The idea was to knock the U.S. off balance, then retreat back into Canada, blowing up bridges and destroying roads and railroads along the way in the hope of delaying the inevitable American counterattack until British reinforcements arrived. The plan received mixed reviews from the Canadian military: One general called it a “fantastic desperate plan that just might have worked”; other officers thought Brown was nuts. It remained on the books until 1928, when it was scrapped as impractical.
What’d they use before that? The English alphabet is about 700 years old.
CLASS ACTS
College isn’t only about really rigorous science classes, thick textbooks, and late-night studying. As one of Uncle John’s teachers put it, “College is hard—there should be some classes where you can get an easy A.” That could be why most schools have “cream-puff” classes like these.
Elvis as Anthology.
“Redefining the music of other performers through listening to Elvis, and watching video and movie clips.” (University of Iowa)
Art and Science of Beer.
“We will explore the place of beer in ancient as well as modern life, and the role beer has played in important achievements in microbiology, biotechnology and physics.” (Indiana University)
Sports for the Spectator. “A study of the great American spectator sports including football, basketball, baseball, ice hockey, golf, tennis, and any others which meet the interests of the class.” (Ohio State University)
Witchcraft and Politics.
“Explores witchcraft, spirit possession, and cults of the dead as idioms of power and as vehicles for protest, resistance, and violent social change.” (Bucknell University)
Shopping: Desire, Compulsion, and Consumption. “First we will explore the manufacturing of desire. We will then turn to historical analysis, contrasting the experience of shopping in traditional bazaars and contemporary malls. Finally, we will explore the place of shopping in our collective imaginations.” (Williams College)
How to Be Gay. “Examines the notion that homosexuality is not just a desire, but a set of specific tastes in music, movies, and other cultural forms.” (University of Michigan)
Star Trek and Religion. “This popular science-fiction series is set in the future, but the ideas and conflicts come from past and present debates.” (Indiana University)
Campus Culture and Drinking. “The cultural understandings that motivate and shape undergraduate drinking.” (Duke University)
Just add water! May 16th is International Sea Monkey Day.
Awareness. “Students will begin their work by designing independent learning projects, which can be anything (community service, sailing, midwifery, gardening, reading, etc.). We will answer these questions: What do you want to learn? How are you going to learn it? How are you going to know when you have learned it?” (Evergreen State College)
International Beverage Education. “The history of beverages such as wines, distilled spirits, and beers. Prerequisite: must be 21 years of age.” (Oklahoma State University)
Daytime Serials: Family and Social Roles. “Analysis of the themes and characters that populate daytime serials and investigation of what impact these portrayals have on gender roles in the family and workplace.” (University of Wisconsin)
Th
e Cheerleader in American Culture. “Cheerleading is an ambiguous cultural icon. In this course we challenge the stereotypes of cheerleaders and provoke both supporters and critics to view cheerleading in a more multi-faceted light.” (University of Alabama)
A FEW MORE:
• American Golf: Aristocratic Pastime or the People’s Game? (Carnegie Mellon University)
• Quarterstaff, Broadsword, Rapier, and Dagger Combat (Northern Kentucky University)
• Introduction to Leisure (Kent State University)
• Black Hair: The History of African-American Hairstyles (Stanford University)
• Underwater Fire Prevention (University of Louisiana-Monroe)
• Pranks: Culture Jamming as Social Activism (St. Mary’s College)
• Relaxation Techniques (University of Iowa)
• History of Tupac Shakur (University of California, Berkeley)
• Juggling (I and II) (University of Oregon)
• Frisbee (Western Connecticut State University)
• The Social Significance of The Dukes of Hazzard (University of Alabama)
Humans are responsible for the deaths of 30 to 70 million sharks every year.
I’LL TRADE YOU A…
In this eBay world, where it seems like everything is for sale, it’s nice see that there’s more to life than money.
BEER FOR A PITCHER: Pitcher Nigel Thatch of the Schaumburg Flyers of the Northern League, a professional baseball league in the northern United States and Canada, was traded in May 2006. The Flyers, according to the official league announcement, “assigned the contract of RHP Nigel Thatch (Rookie) to Fullerton of the Golden Baseball League in exchange for one pallet (60 cases) of Budweiser beer.” Not to be confused with…
BEER FOR A HORSE: A pub in Dunedin, New Zealand, caused an uproar in 2003 when it ran a “Beer for Beasts” promotion in which participants could trade animals for beer. Bringing a horse to the pub earned traders 20 pints, four cats brought four pints, and a live duck from the local botanical gardens earned one pint. After protests from animal-rights groups, the promotion was quickly cancelled.
ANNOUNCER FOR A CARTOON CHARACTER: In 2006 NBC took over the Sunday night TV broadcasts of NFL games. They wanted Al Michaels, who had been with ABC for 26 years and the announcer for Monday Night Football for 10, to host the show. Who owns ABC? The Walt Disney Company. What did they want in return for Michaels? Something unusual: 26 Oswald the Lucky Rabbit cartoons that Walt Disney made in 1927. He’d done them for Universal Studios, so he never owned the rights to them, which is why he created Mickey Mouse (the two characters look very similar). Disney had always wanted the rights back, and NBC now owns Universal, so they agreed to trade the rights to Michaels…for the rights to Oswald.
HOUSE FOR A PAPER CLIP: In July 2005, aspiring author Kyle MacDonald, 26, of Montreal set out to get a house…for a paper clip. He posted a notice on the Craigslist Web site offering to trade a large red paper clip for something bigger or better. He got a fish-shaped pen. He traded that for a ceramic door knob. And then traded that for a camping stove. This went on for a year, and included trading up to a beer keg, a snowmobile, a trip to British Columbia, and a recording contract. In the meantime he’d become a celebrity, doing talk shows all over the world, which led to him trading for a movie role (he got it for a KISS snow globe from a movie producer/snow globe collector). In July 2006 he made his last trade: He gave the movie role to the mayor of the town of Kipling, Saskatchewan, who presented him with the keys to a 1,100-square-foot, 3-bedroom house. (The tiny town wanted the publicity to increase tourist trade, and announced that they’d be holding an American Idol–like contest to give away the movie part.) MacDonald is now living in the house and writing a book about the adventure.
Seeing is believing: The bubbles in Guinness beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top.
CATCHER FOR HIMSELF: Harry Chiti was a journeyman catcher who played for the Chicago Cubs, Kansas City Athletics, Detroit Tigers, and New York Mets in the 1950s and 1960s. His career statistics are unimpressive, but he does hold claim to one fascinating piece of baseball history. In 1962 the New York Mets bought the rights to Chiti from the Cleveland Indians. The Mets then traded him back to Cleveland for a “player to be named later in the season.” The player the Mets ended up getting later in the season: Harry Chiti.
BALLS FOR A BALLPLAYER: In 1989 pitcher Tim Fortugno was traded by the minor-league Reno Silver Sox to the Milwaukee Brewers organization for $2,500…and 144 baseballs.
LOVE FOR PEACE: In April 2006, Italian porn star Cicciolina offered to have “a private encounter” with al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in exchange for his halting all terrorist attacks. “I am ready to make a deal,” she announced at a festival in Budapest, Hungary. “He can have me in exchange for an end to his tyranny.” Cicciolina, whose real name is Anna Ilona Staller, reminded the crowd that she had made the same offer to Saddam Hussein in the 1990s, saying “who knows what might have happened” if he had taken her up on the offer.
Scientists have discovered that dogs can “smell” the presence of autism in children.
LEBOWSKI 9:29
Lots of movies have inspired their own fan conventions. Let’s see, there’s Star Trek and Star Wars and…The Big Lebowski?
BIG FLOPSKI
When The Big Lebowski hit theaters in 1998, it didn’t make much of a splash. Though it met with critical acclaim and was well received by loyal fans of Joel and Ethan Coen, the film’s director, producer, and co-writers, it barely broke even at the box office. Following on the heels of Fargo, the Coens’ most successful film to that point, Lebowski’s modest earnings came as a disappointment. But then in 1999 it went to video and became a cult classic.
As Lebowski fans will tell you, this is a movie that gets better with repeat viewings. There are so many threads woven into the complicated plot, and so much dry humor and memorable dialogue, that the film simply can’t be taken in at a single glance. The Big Lebowski is one of those movies where you catch something new every time you watch it.
Here’s the basic plot: In a case of mistaken identity, Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski—a lazy, unemployed, hippie bowler—is assaulted by thugs who are actually looking for a paraplegic millionaire named Jeffrey Lebowski, whose trophy wife “owes money all over town.” During the course of the assault, the assailants pee on The Dude’s living room carpet. Deciding to seek restitution from the real Lebowski (because “the carpet really tied the room together, man”), The Dude and his two bowling buddies, Walter and Donny, are drawn into a web of intrigue involving kidnapping, pornographers, and nihilists; Lebowski’s avant-garde daughter, Maude; a high-school student whose father used to write for the TV western, Branded; and intricately choreographed bowling-dream sequences. There’s a lot more, but you’ll have to watch the movie a few times to figure it all out…which is exactly what thousands of devoted fans have been doing for nearly a decade.
WHY NOT?
Three years after the movie’s release on video, two Lebowski fans, Will Russell and Scott Shuffitt, were killing time while manning a T-shirt booth at a tattoo convention in Louisville, Kentucky. Business was so slow that the two friends began entertaining themselves by quoting lines from Lebowski. The people at the next booth turned out to be fans as well, and soon joined in. Eventually, Russell and Shuffitt’s booth became the most popular spot in the convention hall, with bored vendors congregating to repeat their favorite bits of dialogue from the film. At some point, according to Russell, “Scott and I were like, man, if they can have this goofy tattoo convention, we should have a Big Lebowski convention.”
If the heads on Mt. Rushmore had bodies, they would be nearly 500 feet tall.
BOWLING AND WHAT-HAVE-YOU
Because bowling is a central theme in the movie, they decided the event should be held in a bowling alley. Unfortunately, the only alley in Louisville that they could afford was a Baptist-run establishment that prohibited both drinking and bad language�
��a problem because it’s hard to quote lines from the film without cursing, and because The Dude is rarely seen without a White Russian in hand (at one point he can’t find any half-and-half, so he mixes his White Russian using powdered nondairy creamer). Nevertheless, the alley was rented and, with a $42 advertising budget, the “First Annual Big Lebowski What-Have-You Fest” was scheduled for October 2002. They expected a handful of their friends to show up and were surprised when 150 people—dressed up as their favorite characters from the movie—arrived for a night of bowling and a screening of the film.
Russell and Shuffitt immediately began making plans for the second festival. Word got around on the Internet, and it proved to be almost too successful: 1,300 devotees showed up to a venue that could only hold 800. The following year 4,000 fans came…and the event’s organizers have never looked back—they’ve added festivals in Las Vegas, New York, Los Angeles, and Austin, Texas.
THE DUDE ABIDES
The event has taken on a life of its own. A few years ago, strange signs began appearing in the crowds at concerts and sporting events. Back in 2003 they read, “Lebowski 7:19.” The next year: “Lebowski 6:19.” These are not references to some book of cinematic scripture, they are the dates of the next annual Lebowski fest in Louisville. Keep your eyes peeled—in 2006 they read “Lebowski 9:29.”
First woman to drive across the United States: Alice Ramsey, in 1909. It took her 59 days.
FAMILIAR PHRASES
Here’s one of our regular features—the origins of some common terms and phrases.