Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  • Richard Diamond, Private Detective (NBC/ABC, 1949–53). This show about an NYPD cop turned private detective was written by Blake Edwards, who went on to direct the Pink Panther movies, as well as Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Days of Wine and Roses, and 10.

  • Queen for a Day (Mutual, 1945–57). A game show in which contestants compete for fabulous prizes by sharing their real-life hard-luck stories with the studio audience. The audience then votes, and the woman with the most miserable life gets crowned “Queen for a Day”…and then goes back to her miserable life.

  Belleville is the Unidentified Flying Object Capital of Wisconsin.

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

  News from the outer reaches of normal.

  HITTING THE HIGH NOTES

  “Mystery surrounds Ben Nevis, Britain’s highest mountain. Why? A piano was discovered near its 4,418-foot summit. The instrument was found by volunteers from the John Muir Trust, a conservation charity. ‘They couldn’t believe their eyes,’ said trust director Nigel Hawkins. ‘The only thing that that was missing was the keyboard—and that’s another mystery.’ He added that a cookie wrapper with an expiration date of December 1986 was found under the piano, giving a clue as to when it was taken there, but not why.”

  —The Guardian

  LAST FISH STORY

  “A Hungarian fisherman drowned while trying to catch a 150-lb. catfish. Gabor Komlosy was dragged into a river when he refused to let go of the line. The 53-year-old’s body was later pulled from the Szamos river still clinging to his rod. The 4-foot monster catfish was still hooked on the end. Police in Hungary believe he had been yanked down the river bank by the fish. It then pulled him through the water until he hit his head on a rock and drowned.”

  —Sky News

  HANDY

  “A man has been jailed on assault charges after a police officer, prosecutor, and courtroom bailiff became seriously ill after shaking hands with him. During a court appearance on a traffic charge, John Ridgeway pulled out a vial of an unknown liquid, rubbed his hands with the contents and insisted on shaking hands with the three people. All of them got sick within an hour, suffering from nausea, headaches, and numbness that lasted about a day. The FBI was running tests on the substance to identify it. Ridgeway, 41, told officials the vial contained olive oil.”

  —Associated Press

  The last Bonaparte, Jerome Napoleon Bonaparte, died in 1945 after tripping over his dog’s leash.

  ETHICALLY DISABLED

  There are few things more pathetic than people pretending to be disabled—and few things more satisfying than catching them.

  FUTBOL FAKERS

  Their dream was to watch their country’s soccer team play in a World Cup game in Germany in 2006, but the admission price was more than the three Argentinians wanted to pay. Determined to see the match, they found a loophole: Discounted seats were being offered to disabled people. So they somehow got themselves three wheelchairs and rolled into the match against Holland, claiming a handicapped viewing spot near the field.

  The ruse probably would have worked, too, if one of them hadn’t gotten so excited after a play that he jumped out of his chair with his arms raised in the air. “A person near us thought there was a miracle happening,” one of the fakers told reporters outside the stadium—which is where the three fans spent the second half of the game after security escorted them out (on foot).

  PARALYMPIC FAKERS

  The 2000 International Paralympics were a resounding success for Spain: The country won 107 medals overall, highlighted by the gold medal awarded to its developmentally disabled basketball team. A few months later, one of the players, Carlos Ribagorda, made the shocking admission that “of the 200 Spanish Paralympic athletes, at least 15 had no physical or mental handicap.” Ribagorda, a journalist for the Spanish magazine Capital, had joined the intellectually disabled basketball team to expose the corruption. In the two years Ribagorda played for the team, no one ever tested his I.Q. Not only that, says Ribagorda, the team was told to slow down their game so they wouldn’t attract suspicion.

  A subsequent international investigation concluded that only two members of the basketball team were intellectually disabled. In addition, as Ribagorda had discovered, some members of Spain’s Paralympic track, tennis, and swimming teams were found to be only…morally handicapped.

  Old English word for “sneeze”: fneosan. (Gesundheit!)

  LAWSUIT FAKER

  In 2006 Las Vegas authorities suspected that wheelchair-bound Laura Lee Medley was taking them for a ride. After four separate lawsuits against four California cities over faulty handicapped access to public buildings, investigators smelled fraud. They tracked Medley to Las Vegas, where they arrested the 35-year-old woman—who was sitting in her wheelchair. Medley immediately began complaining of pain and begged for medical attention. Skeptical—but not wanting to doubt her if she really was in pain—police officers drove her to a nearby hospital. But moments after she was wheeled through the entrance, the “paralyzed” woman got up and started sprinting through the hospital corridors. She was quickly apprehended and cuffed. Medley was charged with four counts of fraud and resisting arrest.

  BEAUTY PAGEANT FAKER

  Dee Henderson was crowned Mrs. Minnesota International in a 1999 beauty pageant, thanks in part to the aerobic exercises she performed for the talent competition. Henderson owned and operated two businesses selling beauty pageant supplies, and was the director of three Midwest beauty pageants. Those are amazing accomplishments, especially considering the fact that at the same time, she was getting disability payments from the government. Henderson claimed she couldn’t work, couldn’t sit for more than 20 minutes at a time or lift anything heavier than her mail. She also had difficulty with “walking, kneeling, squatting, climbing, bending, reaching, and personal grooming.” The injuries, she said, stemmed from a 1995 car accident. From 1996 to 2003, Henderson received Social Security benefits totaling $190,000.

  But her case unraveled when a video taken by a private investigator showed her doing activities such as snorkeling and carrying heavy luggage (not to mention the aerobics). More damning evidence: an email in which Henderson claimed she would “keep going and going and going and going” like the Energizer Bunny. She did keep going…to prison for 46 months.

  * * *

  If I die, I forgive you. If I recover, we shall see.

  —Spanish proverb

  The average child eats over 15 pounds of cereal in a year.

  TALK TO THE SWORD

  Dutch Schultz was a notorious New York mobster who made his name in bootlegging and numbers rackets. But Schultz had another claim to fame: the grisly story of his death and bizarre last words.

  BACKGROUND

  On October 23, 1935, 33-year-old Dutch Schultz (real name: Arthur Flegenheimer) was dining at the Palace Chop house, a restaurant in Newark, New Jersey, that also served as a mob hideout. Schultz was in the bathroom when three Murder, Inc. hit men working for a rival gang burst in—“Charlie the Bug” Workman, Emanuel Weiss, and a third man known only as “Piggy.” They went into the back room and shot Schultz’s associates Otto Berman, Abe Landau, and Lulu Rosenkrantz. Schultz heard the shots but couldn’t stop urinating fast enough to flee.

  While he was still peeing, the hit men came into the bathroom. Schultz turned around and they shot him in the stomach. The bullet pierced his liver, colon, and gall bladder, and exited out his back.

  Not wanting to be found dead with his pants unzipped in a men’s room, Schultz stumbled into the restaurant; Rosenkrantz, still alive, called an ambulance from a phone booth and then collapsed. The police arrived first and loaded Schultz up on brandy to numb the pain. It didn’t work. When they finally got to the hospital, Newark police sergeant Luke Conlon interrogated Schultz. In a state of physical agony, high fever, drunkenness, and morphine-induced euphoria, Schultz babbled on for nearly two hours. What follows is an actual transcript of Schultz’s talkfest.

  LAST
WORDS

  Schultz: George, don’t make no bull moves. What have you done with him? Oh, mama, mama, mama. Oh stop it, stop it; eh, oh, oh. Sure, sure, mama? Has it been in any other newspapers? Now listen, Phil, fun is fun. Aha…please! Papa! What happened to the sixteen? Oh, oh, he done it? Please…please…John, please. Oh, did you buy the hotel? You promised a million sure. Get out. I wish I knew. Please make it quick, fast, and furious. Please. Fast and furious. Please help me get out; I’m getting my wind back, thank God. Please, please, oh please. You will have to please tell him, you got no case? You get ahead with the dot dash system. Didn’t I speak that time last night. Whose number is that in your pocketbook, Phi1? 13780. Who was it? Oh, please, please. Reserve decision. Police, police, Henny and Frankie. Oh, oh, dog biscuit and when he is happy he doesn’t get snappy please, please do this. Henny, Henny, Frankie! You didn’t meet him; you didn’t even meet me. The glove will fit what I say oh, kayiyi, kayiyi. Sure, who cares? When are you through! How do you know this? How do you know this? Well, then, oh, Cocoa; no…thinks he is a grandpa again and he is jumping around. No Hoboe and Poboe I think mean the same thing.

  Dark-roasted coffee is “weaker” than medium roast. Roasting burns off caffeine.

  Conlon: Who shot you?

  Schultz: The boss himself.

  Conlon: He did?

  Schultz: Yes, I don’t know.

  Conlon: What did he shoot you for?

  Schultz: I showed him, boss; did you hear him meet me? An appointment. Appeal stuck. All right, mother.

  Conlon: Was it the boss shot you?

  Schultz: Who shot me? No one.

  Conlon: We will help you.

  Schultz: Will you help me up? Okay, I won’t be such a big creep. Oh, mama. I can’t go through with it, please. Oh, and then he clips me; come on. Cut that out, we don’t owe a nickel; fold it; instead, fold it against him; I am a pretty good pretzeler. Winifred—Department of Justice. I even got it from the department. Sir, please stop it. Say listen, the last night.

  Conlon: What did they shoot you for?

  Schultz: I don’t know, sir. Honestly I don’t. I don’t even know who was with me, honestly. I went to the toilet and when I reached the…the the boy came at me.

  Conlon: The big fellow gave it to you?

  Schultz: Yes, he gave it to me.

  Conlon: Do you know who the big fellow was?

  Schultz: No. See, George, if we wanted to break the ring. No, please I get a month. They did it. Come on. (Unintelligible) cut me off and says you are not to be the beneficiary of this will. I will be checked and double-checked and please pull for me. Will you pull? How many good ones and how many bad ones? Please! I had nothing with him. He was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fight. No business; no hangout; no friends; nothing; just what you pick up and what you need. I don’t know who shot me. Don’t put anyone near this check—you might have—oh, please, please do it for me. Let me get up, sir, heh? In the olden days they waited and they waited. Please give me a shot. It is from the factory. Sure, that is a bad. Well, oh good ahead that happens for crying. I don’t want harmony. I want harmony. Oh, mama, mama! Who give it to him? Who give it to him? Let me in the district-fire-factory that he was nowhere near. It smoldered. No, no. There are only ten of us and there are ten million fighting somewhere in front of you, so get your onions up and we will throw up the truce flag. Oh, please let me up. Please shift me. Police are here. Communistic…strike… baloney. Please, honestly this is a habit I get; sometimes I give it and sometimes I don’t. Oh, I am all in. That settles it. Are you sure? Please let me get in and eat. Let him harass himself to you and then bother you. Please don’t ask me to go there. I don’t want to. I still don’t want him in the path. It is no need to stage a riot. The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears were in trouble and I broke it up. Please put me in that room. Please keep him in control. My gilt-edged stuff and those dirty rats have tuned in. Please mother, don’t tear, don’t rip; that is something that shouldn’t be spoken about. Please get me up, my friends. Please, look out. The shooting is a bit wild, and that kind of shooting saved a man’s life. No payrolls. No walls. No coupons. That would be entirely out. Pardon me, I forgot I am a plaintiff and not defendant. Look out. Look out for him. Please. He owes me money; he owes everyone money. Why can’t he just pull out and give me control? Please, mother, you pick me up now. Please, you know me. No. Don’t you scare me. My friends think I do a better job. Police are looking for you all over. Be instrumental in letting us know. They are Englishmen and they are a type I don’t know who is best, they or us. Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing. You can play jacks and girls do that with a softball and do tricks with it. I may take all events into consideration. No. No. And it is no. It is confused and its says no. A boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kin. Did you hear me?

  In 1908 New York City passed a law forbidding women to smoke in public.

  Conlon: Who shot you?

  Schultz: I don’t know.

  Conlon: How many shots were fired?

  Schultz: I don’t know. None.

  Conlon: How many?

  Schultz: Two thousand. Come on, get some money in that treasury. We need it. Come on, please get it. I can’t tell you to. That is not what you have in the book. Oh, please warden. What am I going to do for money? Please put me up on my feet at once. You are a hard-boiled man. Did you hear me? I would hear it, the Circuit Court would hear it, and the Supreme Court might hear it. If that ain’t the payoff. Please crack down on the Chinaman’s friends and Hitler’s commander. I am sore and I am going to give you honey if I can. Mother is the best bet and don’t let Satan draw you too fast.

  Turkish turkeys don’t gobble—they say gloo-gloo.

  Conlon: What did the big fellow shoot you for?

  Schultz: Him? John? Over a million, five million dollars.

  Conlon: John shot you, we will take care of John.

  Schultz: That is what caused the trouble. Look out. Please get me up. If you do this, you can go on and jump right here in the lake. I know who they are. They are French people. All right. Look out, look out. Oh, my memory is gone. A work relief police. Who gets it? I don’t know and I don’t want to know, but look out. It can be traced. He changed for the worse. Please look out; my fortunes have changed and come back and went back since that. It was desperate. I am wobbly. You ain’t got nothing on him but we got it on his helper.

  Conlon: Control yourself.

  Schultz: But I am dying.

  Conlon: No, you are not.

  Schultz: Move on, Mick and mama. All right, dear, you have got to get it.

  (Schultz’s wife, Francis, arrives.)

  Mrs. Schultz: This is Francis.

  Schultz: Then pull me out. I am half crazy. They won’t let me get up. They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes. Give me something. I am so sick. Give me some water, the only thing that I want. Open this up and break it so I can touch you. Dennie, please get me in the car.

  Conlon: Who shot you?

  Schultz: I don’t know. I didn’t even get a look. I don’t know who can have done it. Anybody. Kindly take my shoes off. (They’re already off.) No. There is a handcuff on them. The Baron does these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers. It isn’t worth a nickel to two guys like you or me but to a collector it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to—turn you back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now. The police are getting many complaints. Look out. I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, Jim, come on. Okay, okay, I am all through. Can’t do another thing. Look out mama, look out for her. You can’t beat him. Police, mama, Helen, mother, please take me out. I will settle the indictment. Come on, open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please come help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.

  Schultz died two hours later, without saying another word.


  NASDAQ is short for National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotations.

  “THE GREATEST CANADIAN”

  Today, Canada has free universal health care. The man who made it happen: former Saskatchewan premier Tommy Douglas. Here’s his story.

  LIFE AND DEATH

  In 1910, when Tommy Douglas was six years old, he injured his leg and it never healed properly. Four years later he developed a life-threatening bone infection, and because his family couldn’t afford a specialist to treat it, the doctors wanted to amputate the leg to stop the infection from spreading. Tommy’s leg was saved only by chance—a teaching surgeon took an interest in the case and offered to operate on Tommy for free, provided that his students could watch the procedure and learn from it.

  Tommy never forgot the experience. A medical crisis could affect anyone—what would happen to the people who weren’t as lucky as he had been? His situation wasn’t at all unusual in the early 20th century. In most industrialized nations, there were few options if you were poor and happened to get sick. Hospitals would occasionally admit “charity cases,” but only rarely. For the most part, if you needed life-saving surgery and couldn’t pay for it, you died.

  HUMAN RIGHTS

  After spending his teens at a variety of jobs (printer, whiskey distiller, actor, boxer), Douglas became a Baptist minister and in 1930 took a job as a preacher at Calvary Baptist Church in Weyburn, Saskatchewan. The rural, blue-collar town was devastated by both a drought and the Great Depression. Even if families had money for food, there was none left over for medicine. It reminded Douglas of his own near-tragedy from childhood. “I buried two young men in their 30s with young families who died because there was no doctor readily available and they hadn’t the money to get proper care,” he wrote. Douglas came to believe that medical care was a basic human right and should be available to everyone.