Culture War

by Walter Knight

  “Skateboarding is good wholesome fun,” said the trucker. “It’s as American as mom’s apple pie. It’s almost as fun as video games.”

  “I see,” said the spider commander, now getting angry. “Place this skateboard-pushing miscreant under arrest and impound his truck and the contraband in question. This is a clear violation of the Prohibited American Contraband Act. Good work. Let this be a lesson to all who would try to corrupt and endanger our youth.”

  “The Teamsters Union will hear about this!” said the trucker, loudly protesting. “I’m a personal friend of Carlos O’Neil and Mr. Kennworth. Do you know who they are? You both will be out of a job within a week. I want to speak to your supervisor! I know a lot of important people. I even know Colonel Czerinski and James Grigg!”

  “Who is James Grigg?” asked the spider commander.

  “You know,” said the trucker. “He’s that Walmart dude.”

  “Lock this fool up and throw away the key,” ordered the spider commander. “Put him in a sound-proof room so we don’t have to hear his drivel.”

  The spider commander took a skateboard and a bag of accessories home with him for study. It was possible these dangerous banned items might have military applications. The human pestilence were so devious that way.

  * * * * *

  As the spider commander walked back to his office, a group of spider teenagers that had been playing basketball at the city park fell in alongside him. Clearly they had mischief on their puny little minds. “Hey Pops!” called out one of the teenagers. “Where are you going with that skateboard?”

  “This skateboard is American contraband seized at the border checkpoint,” replied the spider commander. “Are you familiar with skateboards?”

  “That skateboard is the latest model Cowabunga,” said the teenager. “Why did you take it? Are you a cop?”

  “I am the Supreme Commander of the Marine Task Force for the New Gobi Desert Sector,” said the spider commander. “I am responsible for keeping you safe from the human pestilence hordes to the South.”

  “Where’s your gun?” asked the teenager. “Don’t you know this neighborhood is riddled with hooligans who might want to steal your expensive skateboard?”

  “I welcome any attempt,” said the spider commander. His gun was concealed under his dress uniform coat. Not that he would need it against the likes of these punks. “This skateboard was confiscated to prevent the moral decay of our society through our youth. Obviously I was not a moment too soon.”

  “Are you saying that skateboard will cause me brain damage if I ride it?” asked the teenager. “And you are protecting me by seizing it?”

  “Only if you don’t wear a helmet,” joked another teenager. “The way you skate, I guarantee massive brain damage from a crash.”

  “This skateboard and other products like it are at the forefront of a plot to Americanize our youth,” said the spider commander. “The Emperor has ordered a halt to this dangerous encroachment on the Arthropodan way of life.”

  “I am proud of my Arthropodan heritage,” said the first teenager. “But I do not need thought-police like you breathing down my neck, telling me what I can or can’t buy for recreation. Who do you think you are?”

  “I am the sword of my Emperor,” said the spider commander.

  “Do not use His Majesty as an excuse for your lame argument,” said the teenager. “I don’t need or want you to protect me from American ideas. Are you going to shut down the database, too?”

  “No, of course not,” replied the spider commander. “That would be impossible anyway.”

  “I bet you would if you could,” sneered the second teenager. “Just like you took away all our satellite TV dishes. You’re a read dickhead.”

  “I should arrest you for insulting an Imperial officer,” said the spider commander. “Only your juvenile status restrains me.”

  “I can learn or read anything I want about America on the database,” said the first teenager. “But you try to protect me from America by confiscating skateboards? You are just an old fool. I’ll let you in on a little-known secret. America invented skateboarding, but we spiders are better at it. We take top prizes at all the open skateboarding tournaments. I have trophies at home to prove it.”

  “I am glad you are skilled at something,” said the spider commander. “If you put half the energy you put into skateboarding into positive directions, you could someday make something out of your life.”

  “What would you know of positive directions?” asked the teenager. “I am not just good. I am the best. Let me show you what I can do with a skateboard.”

  The spider commander handed the teenager the skateboard.

  “You don’t want me getting brain damage,” explained the teenager, as he put on the helmet, pads, and a jacket.

  The teenager soared over steps, up on a cement railing, and down to the next street level. Like a flash he rode the skateboard down the street and around the corner. They waited for the teenager to return.

  “Is he coming back?” asked the spider commander.

  “Not likely, dude,” said one of the teenagers, grabbing a Cowabunga tee-shirt and running down the street. The rest of the teenagers quickly dispersed in different directions, carrying other skateboard accessories they’d taken from the spider commander.

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  Chapter 9

  Highly decorated Corporal George Rambo Washington, the first spider to enlist in the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion, was ordered by General Daly to attend Officer Candidate School. Washington returned to New Gobi City as a second lieutenant.

  Lieutenant Washington became a media sensation on both sides of the MDL. Everyone in the spider community knew of Lieutenant Washington. Most were proud. If the position of Emperor were an elected office, Lieutenant Washington could have won easily.

  I sent Lieutenant Washington with Military Intelligence Officer Major Lopez to the public high schools as a recruiter for the Legion. Lieutenant Washington particularly disliked public speaking and generally despised snotty high school kids, but followed orders and went anyway.

  “I am here to talk to you about the Legion,” said Lieutenant Washington, addressing an auditorium full of young kids. “If you want fun, travel, and adventure, join the Legion. Any questions?”

  “Have you ever killed anyone?” asked a human teenage girl seated in the front row.

  “Lots,” said Lieutenant Washington.

  “What’s it like?” she asked.

  “Some gurgle when you shoot them in the chest,” said Lieutenant Washington. “Others cry in agony for their mama. My favorite was an insurgent hiding in a spider hole. I tossed in a grenade and he just went poof!”

  “Do you ever feel like a traitor fighting for the Legion against fellow spiders?” asked a spider student in the back.

  “I have fought both human and spider terrorists,” said Lieutenant Washington. “I enjoy killing both.”

  “But you fight mostly spiders,” insisted the spider student. “Have you no shame or remorse at having to kill your own kind?”

  “Would you please come up here to the stage?” asked Lieutenant Washington, politely.

  The spider student boldly came up on stage with Lieutenant Washington. The student waved to his friends, clearly enjoying his newfound notoriety and the applause. As he stood next to the legionnaire, Lieutenant Washington smashed a chair on the student. Unconscious, the spider student was taken away by ambulance.

  “There is no shame in fighting for freedom,” said Lieutenant Washington, to a stunned audience. “That is particularly true for us Green spiders. Any more stupid questions?”

  Being in a high school, they got many more stupid questions. Major Lopez, concerned about student safety and bad public relations, advised Lieutenant Washington to use more restraint. “These kids are very impressionable,” whispered Major Lopez. “Many live in trailer parks.”

  “I think you are so awesome and hot,�
�� exclaimed a giggly female spider student. “Are you married?”

  “I have two wives,” answered Lieutenant Washington. “You are so lucky they are not present to hear you.”

  “You have been in so many battles,” commented a young human student. “It seems scary. Aren’t you afraid of being killed?”

  “One of your famous philosophers from Old Earth said it best,” recalled Lieutenant Washington. “I am not afraid of dying; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

  “Don’t you feel like you’re just the token spider officer in the Legion?” asked one of the teachers.

  “Someone always has to be first,” said Lieutenant Washington. “I was the first spider to enlist into the ranks of the Legion. I got into a confrontation the day my commanding officer introduced me to my unit. Now I am the first spider lieutenant in the Legion. It’s no big deal for me now. I expect more of my species will follow me without incident because I led the way. I am proud of my accomplishments.”

  “But don’t you feel like you are being used by the Legion?” asked the teacher. “You are just a publicity stunt for the military industrial complex. You will never be given command. Even now, I see Major Lopez lording over you.”

  “Would you please come up here on stage?” asked Lieutenant Washington.

  “No way,” said the teacher, startled.

  “I guess you are not as stupid as you sound or look,” commented Lieutenant Washington. The audience laughed, then slowly stood up and applauded.

  “One of the most difficult adjustments for spiders entering the Legion is the cultural differences between humans and spiders. We spiders are very volatile and do not handle provocations very well. Call me a traitor and I am apt to kill you, regardless of the consequences. Minutes after a confrontation, I am over it. Humans, on the other hand, seem to hold grudges forever. That’s just my personal observation. You may have similar experiences here in school. Where did that lame-ass teacher go?”

  “He left the building,” someone called out. A few students laughed out loud. “Don’t come back, dude!”

  “Why should any of us give up a comfortable life for the hardships of the Legion?” asked another student. “Is it worth it?”

  “If you have a good life, stay where you are,” advised Lieutenant Washington. “But if you want to change your life, go talk to the ATM and try to negotiate an enlistment contract. If you are qualified, you might make some serious money. The worst of the wars on New Colorado are probably behind us. I would not be surprised to see the Legion leave New Colorado soon for the Coleopteran Frontier. However, the Legion is still interested in recruiting from the local population. Many of you may have relatives who died fighting in the wars, so that you could be free. Now might be the time to repay the debt you owe them.”

  “You don’t think the Arthropodan Empire and the insurgency will continue hostilities?” asked a spider student.

  “For a few years maybe,” said Lieutenant Washington. “But as the next generation takes over on both sides, I hope for better understanding and better leadership. Humanity and spiders are more similar than not. We need to unite. The galaxy is full of nasty species that will eventually come our way and find us. The war with the Formicidaen Empire was a wake-up call – just the tip of the danger that is out there across the galaxy. Only when our two species stand together, will our part of the galaxy be safe.”

  “How do you get along with Colonel Czerinski?” asked another student. “Does he deserve his ‘Butcher of New Colorado’ reputation I have read so much about on the database? In light of his mega hero status, I think he often gets a bad rap in the press.”

  “Colonel Czerinski is worse in person than any story you have ever read,” said Lieutenant Washington. “Don’t ever mess with Colonel Czerinski. He is the Legion’s junkyard attack dog.”

  “Do you see a parallel between the United States Galactic Federation and the Roman Empire?” asked another human student. “The end came for Rome when she relied too much on German mercenaries to replenish her legions for defense of the Northern Frontier. Might the United States Galactic Federation depend too much on you aliens in its Foreign Legion to defend its frontiers? Might history be repeating itself?”

  “What?” asked Lieutenant Washington. “Do I even remotely look German?”

  “What is your ultimate goal in the Legion?” asked a student as the session ended. “How do you want your Legion career to end? Do you hope to be the first spider general someday?”

  “I just want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery,” concluded Lieutenant Washington. “I want to be buried with my mates.”

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  Chapter 10

  All activity stopped for the time-honored and sacred American tradition of watching Monday Night Football. Technology advanced as humanity marched across the stars, but as long as American traditions endured, there would be the NFL and Monday Night Football. To hell with soccer – everyone knows soccer sucks.

  Guido set up his satellite dish TV for the Arthropodan marines. American satellite TV reception was still banned on the spider side, and satellite dishes were still being confiscated. Set on a card table at the MDL, the big screen TV pointed to the spider side. Guido was also busy taking last-minute bets. The recent Arthropodan prohibition actually increased Guido’s business among the spiders, because they could no longer make sports bets electronically through New Memphis.

  The gathering of spider guards was larger than usual because of the increasing amounts of money being bet on the game. Most of the spiders favored the Seahawks over the Steelers. Even spider team leaders and the spider duty officer checked in for score updates, and to disperse the troops back to their responsibilities. Guido set up a snack bar and beer garden for those spider marines off duty or on their lunch break.

  Meanwhile, Lieutenant Washington was leading his first commando mission. Intelligence gathered during his school recruiting tour indicated school kids on the spider side of the MDL were griping about a large confiscation of Cowabunga skateboards by Arthropodan border guards. It had become a major issue. The truck full of skateboards was being stored at an unguarded impound yard just across the border in North New Gobi City.

  The Legion already had a secret tunnel in place to cross the MDL. Lieutenant Washington led Sergeant Williams, Corporal Valdez, Private Camacho, and Private Wayne through the tunnel. They met up with waiting spider teenagers, who drove them to the impound yard.

  As a diversion, Pastor Jim set off aerial fireworks from his church on the hill overlooking New Gobi. Legionnaires cut through the impound yard fence and broke into the truck trailer. Quickly they loaded crates of skateboards and accessories into the spider teenagers’ cars. Caught up in the emotion of the moment, a teenager extended a claw to Lieutenant Washington in respectful appreciation of Legion help.

  “Dude, thank you so much,” he said, shaking claws with Lieutenant Washington. “The Legion rocks!”

  “You are most welcome,” responded Lieutenant Washington. “If you can’t come to America, then America will come to you.”

  Eyeing the other spider legionnaire, the teen ran up to Private Wayne to shake claws. “Dude you rock, too!”

  “Call me ‘dude’ one more time, and I’ll cut you into little pieces and feed you to my favorite human pestilence for midnight snacks,” warned Private Wayne, as he pushed the teenager back.

  “He’s not much on public relations and touchy-feely emotions during combat missions,” explained Sergeant Williams. Williams let out a rebel yell and gave the spider kid a high five. “We all rock tonight!”

  Emboldened, the teenager ran up to Private Camacho to give him a high five to show gratitude. Startled by a spider rushing up behind him, Private Camacho dropped the crate he was loading and drew a large jagged combat knife, taking a swipe at the youth. The teen ducked back just in time. More cautious now, he settled for giving Corporal Valdez a wave and a ‘thank you’ from a few feet away. Corporal Valdez
responded to the gesture with a chin nod and a thumbs-up. All the spider teenagers picked up on that and returned the thumbs up and tried to imitate the chin nod. Because of their rigid exoskeletons, the spiders had difficulty with the chin nod. They could only manage what looked more like odd mandible twitching. However, their heartfelt intent was successfully conveyed. Even Private Camacho returned the thumbs up and a nod.

  In the next few days, spider youth all across the New Gobi Desert got an early Christmas present. To the consternation of Arthropodan authorities, each contraband skateboard distributed bore a stamp in large lettering that read, ‘MADE IN USA.’

  * * * * *

  The New Gobi City Walmart was purposely built straddling the MDL so that both humans and spiders could shop at the same store. The MDL was painted in red and yellow down the middle of the highly waxed floors. The success of this business model had been expanded to other Walmarts and businesses in the DMZ.

  Although the spider Governor of the North Territory tolerated trade between the North and South as a necessary and inherent evil, he was not going to allow the infamous annual Black Friday sale at Walmart to continue another year. Black Friday was the day after the American Turkey Holiday & Feast when Walmart held a huge pre-Christmas sale on all items in the store when the doors opened at the stroke of midnight Thursday.

  Thousands of Arthropodan citizens lined up waiting for Walmart’s doors to open. In years past, stampedes resulted in injuries, fights, and heart attacks. Last year there had even been a death by trampling. The governor’s problem with Black Friday was not the good sales at an American store, or the rowdy crowds, or even the mixing of the species at an American-inspired event. His problem was that Arthropodans would be Christmas shopping. It appeared to the governor that, once again, the insidious human pestilence had manipulated Arthropodan habits and culture with American decadence.