Just a Little Junk

by Stylo Fantome

  “Sorry, officer,” he said, and she was shocked to hear a twangy accent come out of his mouth. “I just can’t help myself around her. I mean, could you?”

  Jo felt herself blush and she wiped at her lips, glancing nervously between the cop and Archer.

  “It’s illegal to pull over to the shoulder unless it’s an emergency,” the officer informed them.

  “We’re so sorry, we -” Jo began babbling when Archer pinched her side.

  “Oh, it was an emergency, Officer,” he said in that ridiculous accent. “You see, I’m out here on leave, I’m stationed over in Arkansas. We just got married over there in Vegas, and we’re on our way to see my mama-in-law, and well, my sweet little bride just informed me that we got a little critter coming our way.”

  Jo almost gasped, but she managed to swallow it down. She turned to stare at Archer, to give him the “are you fucking crazy!?” look they often shared with each other, but he was gazing up at her as if he was completely head over heels in love with her. She froze as he reached up a hand and brushed some stray locks of hair behind her ear.

  “Congratulations,” the officer sighed, then he glanced up the freeway. “But you can’t stop here, and you’ve got a brake light out.”

  “Really?” Archer groaned. “I been tellin’ her and tellin’ her – that’s just plain dangerous.”

  “It is,” the trooper agreed. “You might have a loose wire back there. Want me to take a look?”

  Jo was pretty sure her heart actually stopped. Luckily, Archer didn’t miss a beat.

  “Aw, that’s okay, I’ll take a look when we get home. She’s got all this junk back there in her trunk, it’s a mess.”

  She barked out a laugh, then slapped both hands over her mouth. Archer held completely still and the cop stared at her for a second. Finally, though, he let out a deep sigh and looked back at his squad car.

  “I’m gonna let you go with a warning, okay? But get that light fixed, or you will get a ticket. Now get on the road and don’t stop until you reach your destination. Understand?”

  “Completely, sir. You have a blessed day, ya hear?” Archer said, smiling big at the trooper. Jo almost started laughing again and was able to conceal it behind a fake cough.

  “Alright. Get moving.”

  Jo slid back into her seat, smiling shyly at the trooper. He was glaring at her from behind his aviators, she could just tell. She waited for him to change his mind and demand her license and insurance.

  Her license, which was expired, and her insurance, which didn’t exist.

  But he didn’t say anything else, just nodded sternly and walked to his car. Jo stared at him in her side view for so long, Archer had to prompt her to move. She slowly pulled into the lane and held her breath when the trooper’s car fell in line behind her. They stayed silent for about five minutes, until the officer took off down an exit.

  “Holy shit,” she let out a deep breath.

  “Holy shit is right. Do you always kiss like that? I’ve been missing out for years,” Archer teased. She let out a frustrated yell and took one hand off the wheel so she could hit him with it.

  “Fuck off! Do you think this is funny? We could be in jail right now!” she yelled at him.

  “I know, but we’re not, because I saved us. You need to relax, Jojo. Relax. You’re never gonna make it through the day like this, you’ll have a heart attack,” he warned her, and she felt his hand on the back of her neck, lightly massaging the tense muscles there.

  She took another deep breath and concentrated on driving. She wasn’t really annoyed with him for turning everything into a joke – it’s what he did, it was how Archer coped with life. She was used to it, and even appreciated it because it usually worked at calming her down.

  No, she was upset because for ten years, she had been fantasizing about kissing Archer Calhoun. Dreaming about it, wishing for it. He would kiss her under a full moon and realize she was everything he’d ever wanted in life, blah blah blah.

  Never once had any of those fantasies involved a dead body, the police, or being on the 101 in broad daylight.

  She supposed she should be thankful for small favors. Archer had never shown the slightest interest in her, sexually. Without their current fucked up situation, she probably never would’ve gotten a kiss from him.

  Still. A small part of her felt cheated.

  This is seriously what you’re upset about, when your one night stand is decomposing in the back of your car.

  A couple miles ahead, there was a nasty accident shutting down all the lanes going into L.A., and it wound up being almost a full hour before they got downtown. It was practically noon when they finally found a parking spot a couple blocks down from the seedy nightclub. When they moved out of the car and started heading down the street, she felt around her back pocket and pulled out a wallet.

  “There was nothing in there,” Archer sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He had searched the body before they’d left their apartments, looking for any kind of identification. The man’s wallet had been in his jacket pocket, with money still inside it, but all the credit cards, the ID, any sort of identifying information had been missing.

  “Just double checking,” she said, then she put the wallet away again. “He must have said his name to me. I mean, sure, I was wasted, but I’ve been wasted before, and I wouldn’t just sleep with some dude without at least knowing his name.”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  As they turned into the parking lot for the club, she racked her brain. Tried to go back over the night. She could remember going to the club. Her and a couple friends, dancing around like idiots. Getting some frat boy to buy them a round. She was really trying, but the night was so blurry. She’d never gotten drunk like that before, usually she could at least remember up until a certain point. This time, though, everything was blurry. Like she’d been wearing goggles and ear muffs for the evening.

  “I think …” she struggled to clear her mind. “I remember you. Did we dance?”

  “No. You were falling over, I grabbed you.”

  “Something about … water glasses?”

  He burst out laughing.

  “I forgot that part. You kept calling me a drink of water, or something. You must have been hammered,” he snorted. She came to a stop and plunked her hands on her hips.

  “It’s like this guy doesn’t really exist,” she growled, staring hard at the ground. “Did I meet him after you?”

  “No,” Archer replied, moving to stand in front of her. “You’d been dancing with him for a while – you’d turned him into your own personal cocktail waitress.”

  “Great. Good to know I’ve still got it. Jesus, how much did I drink last night?” she moaned.

  “Don’t beat yourself up,” he insisted, and she felt his hands on her hips as well, just above her own. “Remember my birthday last year?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I still don’t, yet I’ve got this wicked scar on my eyebrow to remind me it happened, and that it must have been fucked up. We all do dumb shit and get wasted sometimes,” he assured her. She finally looked up at him and he was giving her that perfect grin of his, the one that always made her smile.

  “You passed out in the bathroom, nailed the counter on your way down,” she told him. He chuckled and wiggled her hips from side to side, making her dance in place.

  “See? This is why we’re a good team. We help each other, and together we’ll figure this out,” he said.

  “You’re so confident and chipper, it’s almost annoying.”

  “‘Almost’ being the key word.”

  “Calhoun!”

  Someone shouted Archer’s last name, and they both whipped their heads towards the sound. A large man was lumbering down the street, munching away on a foot long sub sandwich. Archer gave her hips a quick squeeze, sending electrical pulses up her spine, then he pulled away.

  “Hey, Big Eddy, what’s going on?” Archer laughed, slapping his h
and into the other man’s. They shook for a second before stepping apart.

  “Not a whole lot, getting ready to cover some party. You looked like you were having a good time last night,” Big Eddy grunted. He was speaking to Archer, but looking at Jo. She cleared her throat and dropped her hands to her sides. Tried to not look suspicious.

  “Too good a time,” Archer laughed. “That’s why we’re here. Actually, I’m glad you’re here, you could totally help us out.”

  Jo was lost. Who was this dude, and how could he help them?

  “Anything, bro, but first maybe introduce me to your girlfriend,” Big Eddy suggested. Both of them laughed.

  “Sure. Jojo, this is Big Eddy – bouncer extraordinaire. Eddy, this is Jodi,” Archer introduced her. She was a little surprised when Archer didn’t correct the girlfriend word, but didn’t say anything. Just smiled and shook the other man’s hand.

  “Nice to finally meet the chick who tamed Archer frickin’ Calhoun,” he said, crushing her fingers. She pulled away, confused.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Your man here,” he said, taking another bite of sandwich.

  “You think I tamed him?” Jo asked, glancing between the two men.

  “Yeah. Never thought I’d see the day, but then I came outside last night to see yous two making out. The way you were kissing him, I knew you were more than some random hook up,” he explained.

  “The way I …” she let her voice trail off as she turned to stare at her best friend. He stayed facing the bouncer, smiling big and acting oblivious. She knew better, though, and she smirked as he reached up and rubbed at the back of his neck.

  “Crazy night!” Archer burst out laughing. “Yeah, super crazy. Actually got so crazy, we had a party at my place.”

  “Party, huh? And didn’t invite ol’ Eddy?” Big Eddy asked, eyeballing them both.

  “Ah, c’mon, I’m way out in the valley. Besides, you were working. I was drunk, a ton of random people showed up. That’s what I wanted to ask you about – some dude left his wallet at my place,” Archer told him. Jo stayed silent, desperately trying to guess if there really had been a party – she didn’t remember kissing him, or driving home, so there could’ve been a kegger for all she knew. But when he said wallet, she finally caught on.

  “What’s that got to do with me?” Eddy asked around a mouthful of sandwich.

  “Oh, he was some dude we met here at the club,” Archer explained. “But we didn’t really know him. He left his wallet, but it doesn’t have much in it, no ID or cards or nothing. We were hoping maybe you saw us with him, and could give us like a phone number, maybe even an address?”

  “Man, I see lots of people. I saw her come in with a group of chicks,” Big Eddy said, gesturing to Jo. “Saw you come in with that blonde.”

  Jo glared at Archer. He kept looking forward.

  “C’mon. Jo took him out to our car, before, uh … I came outside. We’re trying to figure out where he lives. You know, so we can return the wallet,” Archer stressed. Eddy sighed and glanced at Jo again.

  “Alright, alright. Yeah, I saw your girl here with the dude. Didn’t want to say nothing cause I thought she was stepping out on you,” he explained.

  “I wouldn’t step out!” she snapped.

  “Really? Cause you was on the dude like a rash.”

  “We’re into that,” Archer said quickly. “Threesome city at our place. Can you help us or what?”

  “Kinky. I like it,” Eddy said, and he looked at Jo with a new appreciation in his eyes. She sneered at him.

  “You have no idea. The guy, wallet, would like to return it,” Archer insisted.

  “Yeah, yeah. He’s been coming here for a while. Uh … Bernard something,” Eddy said, scratching his head.

  “Bernard!” Jo shouted, clapping her hands together as a memory burst through the fog in her brain. Archer winced at her outburst, but she ignored him “Yes, Bernard! His name was Bernard!”

  “Yeah, like I said,” Eddy growled. “Bernard. Tryin’ to think of his last name. He comes early, before things pop off. Shoots the shit with Howie, the girls, me. Has a lot of money.”

  “If he has a lot of money, why does he come to this shit hole?” Jo asked, tired of Eddy’s attitude.

  “Cool it, Jojo,” Archer urged.

  “Yeah, Jojo, cool your jets. This place may be a shit hole, but two blocks south, and you can buy just about any drug you can think of. I think that’s why he comes here. Sells his shit, flaunts his money. Krakow, I think. Bernard Krakow. Lives out in the valley, too. Always talking about these chicks he bangs, from some strip joint. That’s all I know. Drugs and strippers, yo. Bernard Krakow,” Eddy laid it all out.

  “Did he ever say where, exactly, in the valley?” Archer asked.

  “Nah, man.”

  “Well, thanks. Can you ask around the other bouncers, or whoever? See if you can find his address? I just want to get him his shit, you know?” Archer asked in what Jo recognized as his I’m-a-stand-up-and-trustworthy-guy voice.

  “Yeah, sure I’ll do that. Man, you’re a good guy, Archer.”

  “I try.”

  “Can we go?” Jo asked, folding her arms across her chest.

  “You know,” Eddy started, running his eyes over her form. “I like a chick with attitude. Threesomes, huh?”

  She resisted the urge to gag.

  “Sorry, dude. One threesome a month, that’s the rules. We gotta go,” Archer said quickly, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her backwards towards the car.

  “Nice talkin’ to you, man. See you next weekend?” Eddy asked.

  “Maybe, we’ll see how this week goes. Thanks again!” Archer waved before turning them around.

  “Threesomes?” Jo hissed, elbowing him in the side.

  “I had to think quick, I thought I did well,” he whispered back.

  “And what kiss? I did not kiss you, I would remember that!” she insisted.

  “Jojo, you don’t even remember the guy you treated like a stripper pole.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because …” his voice trailed off, and when she glanced up at him, she saw that he was looking straight ahead, avoiding her gaze.

  “Because … what?” she demanded. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but they were interrupted.

  “Hey, yo!” Eddy called out, and Archer whirled around. “I remember somethin’!”

  “Phone number?” Archer yelled back, his voice full of eagerness.

  “Nah! But the strip joint, where he gets his bang buddies! You want the name?”

  “Oh, thank god,” Jo breathed.

  “Yeah, what is it?” Archer shouted.

  “Bunny Love!”

  Archer’s jaw dropped. Jo’s face turned white. Big Eddy waved goodbye with his sandwich and headed back towards the club.

  “Did he …” Jo gasped, panting for air. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. “Did he say …”

  “What is going on?” Archer asked, turning to face her.

  “I have no fucking clue,” she replied. He gripped her shoulders and forced her to face him.

  “The random dude you tried to have a one night stand with, the one who is currently turning into a puddle in your trunk, also just happens to frequent the same strip club you work at. What are the chances of it being a coincidence?”

  “If I was a betting gal,” she said, staring up at him. “I’d say slim to none.”

  12:28 p.m.

  Day One

  They went back to Van Nuys.

  All they had was a name and a hang out spot – not a lot, but it would have to do. They googled the dude’s name while they drove, but nothing solid turned up, so Archer wanted to head right to Jo’s work place. Start asking around there, see if anyone knew anything about a creepy guy named Bernard.

  Jo vetoed that idea, in favor of first getting rid of the cocaine Archer had stashed under his seat. Not only did they need money – they were out
of food and her car was on empty – but it was also just making her more nervous. A dead body was bad enough, but driving around with enough coke to qualify as trafficking? She was positive her hair was going to be white by the end of the day.

  So she took control of their “adventure” and decided they would sell the drugs first.

  “How are we going to do this?” she mumbled, leaning against her steering wheel and staring out the windshield.

  “Just walk in and … do it,”he said simply. She rolled her eyes.

  “Archer, you know I normally love your laid back, go with the flow, don’t worry be happy attitude, but today … today I think you need a little more bite, okay?” she asked, glancing over at him. He had reclined the passenger seat almost all the way back, looking like he was ready to take a nap.

  “I’ve got lots of bite, baby. Look, we’re just going to go in and act normal. Remember to smile, you frown all the time.”

  “I do not!”

  “You’re frowning right now.”

  “Because there’s a dead body in my trunk!”

  “Blah blah blah. After a couple minutes of blending in, we’ll go find this dude Reggie. He’s the one who organized this rave. We’ll make him an offer, really low ball him, then we continue on with our day,” he told her.

  “I have a dead guy in my car, who may or may not have been stalking me, and now I’m about sell enough drugs to put me in jail for like three years,” she whispered to herself.

  “Three years until they find the body. Then it’ll be like, pffft, possibly life?” Archer guessed. She turned to glare at him.

  “You’re not helping, I hope you know. In fact, you just make everything worse.”

  “Awwww, c’mon, Jojo. If it makes you feel better, I’ll probably go to jail, too. Now c’mon, let’s get in there and sell some drugs!”

  Before she could say anything else, Archer practically leapt out of the car. She watched as he strolled across the parking lot, his long legs moving him quickly across the ground. She gave him a hard time, but really, she was so grateful she wasn’t alone. If he hadn’t been there, she would probably still be crying in her apartment. Maybe they weren’t handling it in the best way possible, but they were handling it.