“Benny, I never thought I’d say this, but you do make a pretty good point.”
Benny blushed. “Aww…”
“But you are staying in the car again.”
“What?”
“I don’t have time to argue with you. My daughter is in trouble. I can’t risk you ruining things. Just stay here, keep the motor running, and if you spot any trouble, honk the horn. Think you can do that?”
Benny lowered his head. “Man, I am getting so sick of this stay-in-the-car shit.”
“Good boy,” Maddox said, hitting the trunk release button and springing out of the Hummer. He lifted up the trunk. He pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and holstered a Desert Eagle in the back of his jeans for good measure. There was also his brother’s discarded ski mask. This was a very rich community and there would most likely be many security cameras scanning the area. It wouldn’t hurt to be extra careful.
Maddox pulled the pink ski mask down over his face, closed the trunk, and headed straight for the mansion. He approached the porch, wondering if he was actually doing this. He wished there was another way. Of course, there probably was. If only he had extra time to think things out, to actually form a plan, then maybe, just maybe, he could save his daughter without having to commit such a heinous deed.
Who knew what was happening with Addy. He only prayed she was still alive.
Biting back his lower lip and, gripping the double-barreled shotgun with all of his life, Maddox Kane kicked in the front door of Desperation Manor.
Chapter Forty-One
Addy’s Extremely Gay Nerd
This was the first time Addison had seen the mansion, and she had to say, she was impressed.
And a little scared.
The place was huge. Not to say that every other residence in the community wasn’t the same size, but still, it was a bit different when it concerned a friend.
The Ford Fiesta pulled over, the engine peacefully dying, light flecks of snow falling against the windshield. She held on to the snubnose nervously in the passenger seat.
Behind the wheel, Connor gripped his own snubnose, looking at it suspiciously. “You ever gonna tell me how you managed to get two guns for free?”
Addison blushed. “He’s very generous, Connor. Leave it alone.”
“All right. Fine.”
In the backseat, Candy Blossom snorted. “He didn’t lick your feet, did he? I heard that dude was weird like that.”
Addison looked down at her lap in shame. “He does have a chainsaw for an arm, though.”
Connor nodded in approval. “Well, that’s badass.”
“Indeed,” Candy said.
“So, how do you want to—”
His voice was cut off by the roar of a yellow beast. Out of nowhere it charged, brushing within mere inches of the Ford Fiesta’s wing mirror, scaring the holy bejesus out of the occupants inside. All three of them screamed like a pack of nuns accidentally stumbling across “2 Girls 1 Cup.”
“Jesus, that thing almost nailed us!” Candy yelled.
The three of them watched the Hummer as it parked in front of Desperation Manor.
“I wonder if they’re here about Johnny,” Candy said.
A man wearing a pink ski mask stepped from behind the trunk. He was holding a shotgun.
As if on cue, they all gasped in perfect unison.
“Holy shit! He has a gun!” Connor said.
Candy paused in mid-scream and sniggered. “Well, so do you.”
“Good point.”
“Guys, what the hell is going on here?” Addison said.
They watched in bewilderment as the masked man casually walked up to the porch and kicked in the front door. He stormed inside and out of view. An audible scream caused a flock of birds to flee from the roof.
“That nerf herder took our idea!” Candy shouted, punching the seat with all the strength a scrawny teenaged girl could manage. “I cannot believe this.”
“You really think he’s robbing them?” Addison asked.
“What else could he be doing?”
“Wow.”
“I know,” Candy said. “Poor Johnny…”
Feeling utterly defeated, Addison leaned back. “Well, what do we do now? Run, call the police, what? We can’t allow this to continue, right?”
“I say we get the hell out of here before the guy with the big scary gun sees us.”
“No,” Connor said, eyes burning into the mansion. “We’re not going anywhere. At least not yet.”
“What are you gonna do?” Addison asked.
“Well, for one thing, I’m not gonna just sit here and let our only chance of freedom slip away from us without putting up some kind of fight. We need this money, Addy. You know this just as much as I do. Plus, who the hell does this guy think he is? We’re Johnny’s friends, not him. No one is allowed to mug him but us.”
Tears dripped down Addison’s cheek. “Connor, no. He could kill us.”
Connor locked eyes with Addison. He rubbed her shoulder. “Addy, don’t be afraid. This isn’t nothin’, okay? Just a minor inconvenience is all. This stuff happens all the time. Well, okay, maybe not exactly like this, but you get what I mean. He’s in there now, with his back facing the door. That means I have the element of surprise. I’ll make him put his gun down, get the money, and run like hell back to the car. You can even be my getaway driver. Sounds good, right?”
Addison shook her head. “It isn’t worth it.”
Connor kissed her teary lips. “It’s going to be fine. I’ll be back in a second, okay? Then we’ll leave this place once and for all and start our new life. Where do you want to go? How does California sound? I know you’ve always wanted to go there. We’ll burn out on the beach and get fat and lazy. It’ll be great. Just think, Addy, by the end of the week we will be breathing the salty air of a real ocean.”
Why couldn’t this day just be over with already?
“I’m going now, Addy,” Connor said.
“Please…”
He leaned forward and gave her another kiss, one that seemed to last forever.
When their lips broke apart, Connor said, “Keep my seat warm, baby. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
He reached under the seat and pulled out a silk wizard cape, which he promptly clipped around his neck. After noticing the strange looks from both Candy and Addy, he shrugged. “It’s my good luck cape.”
Then he was outside, hurrying toward the mansion, gun in hand, wizard cape fluttering against the cold November wind.
“Your boyfriend is such a nerd,” Candy said.
“He’s my nerd,” Addison whispered.
“Also, that speech was extremely gay.”
She sighed, dreamingly. “My extremely gay nerd.”
Chapter Forty-Two
A Mexican Standoff of Sorts
For a rich family, the mansion sure was a mess.
Lifting his legs over piles of dirty clothes, crusty dishes and throngs of discarded dolls, Maddox hurried through the little foyer and burst into the living room. He found a man and a woman on the sofa.
The woman was either in her late forties or early fifties. Maddox recognized her from the TV show. This was the one who’d won the lottery—what was it, Ruth? Legs stretching out unfortunate sweatpants and wearing the fanciest flannel ever designed, the woman sat there on the sofa with a large bucket of Rocky Road, a silver spoon shoved deep down her throat.
The man was much younger—twenty-five, at the most. He had a fistful of Cheez-Its, cracker crumbs foaming out of his mouth and consuming his shabby attire whole. Maddox recognized this guy, as well. He was the one who’d gone on that jealous rant about the dolls. He’d gotten fatter.
Maddox pointed the shotgun at them, yelling for no one to move. They both screamed and jumped back against the sofa.
“Shut up!” Maddox aimed the shotgun directly at the woman. “You’re Ruth Desperation, correct?”
“The one and only,”
she answered smugly. “The hell do you want?”
“I want you to listen close, because if you make me repeat myself I will not hesitate in shooting your son here. He is your son, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he’ll be your dead son unless you do exactly as I say. Do you believe me?”
Ruth glanced over at the man sitting beside her. He was nearly in tears.
“Yes,” she said, shaking her head disappointedly.
“Good,” Maddox said. “Now, I’m assuming you have a suitcase or a briefcase, yes?”
“Of course. What kind of trash do you take me for?”
“Excellent. What I want you to do, Ruth, is to go get that bag. Then you are to fill it up with cash, understand? I’m talking about that lottery cash. You don’t look like the type to keep your money in a bank so I trust you have it stashed here in some kind of safe. Get to it—now. You have five minutes before I start blowing off body parts.”
This was Maddox circa 1990s talking here.
But the lady wasn’t moving, just staring at him. He kicked a glass bowl off the coffee table. “NOW!”
She fled the living room, wobbling like a horrified penguin. He hoped she wouldn’t be stupid enough to call the police. At this point, he really didn’t have anything to lose, and he would end up shooting someone.
It left Maddox and the other guy in the living room alone in somewhat of an awkward silence. One that the man broke by saying, “You’re one of the Butt Bandits, aren’t you?”
“Excuse me?”
“The mask? It’s the same one.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Dumbfounded, he hesitantly pointed forward. Keeping the shotgun trained at his chubby little face, Maddox looked over his shoulder at the large flat-screen built into the wall. A news program was playing.
It was a split screen—one side a journalist, the other side a fuzzy screenshot of Maddox and Benny running away from a man in a wheelchair at Loathsome Cash.
“And what is becoming the Internet’s latest crazy meme,” said the reporter, “we are here to present to you the newest fugitives on our watch list. Akin to lolcats, these two are the latest sensation. They are said to be the world’s first (or, at least, remembered) homosexual gangster couple. The Internet has nicknamed them the Butt Bandits, and it looks like they are here to stay.”
The screen then changed to a solitary poster of Maddox holding an Uzi, a yellow caption underneath reading: I CAN HAZ $$$?
“What the hell is this shit?” Maddox demanded, turning back to the frightened man on the sofa.
Stammering, the hostage said, “It’s, um, you, I think?”
“Fucking Benny,” Maddox muttered under his breath.
He heard something crunch behind him and quickly spun around. Some kid with red hair had walked in the front door. He was holding a little snubnose, and he wore a cape.
Maddox whipped the shotgun around at him and said, “Who the hell are you and why are you wearing a wizard cape?”
The kid pointed his gun back at him. “I could ask you the same question! And that is none of your business!”
Back at the sofa: “Hey, ain’t you Johnny’s old friend? The little gay Harry Potter rocker, right?”
In the unison, the two gunmen redirected their aim at the mammoth on the leather sofa: “Shut up!”
Maddox and the kid were quick to return their aim back at each other. “You’re here about the lottery money, aren’t you?” Maddox asked.
“You, too, huh?”
“Why did you pick today?”
Scratching his head, he said, “Good day as any, isn’t it?”
“You should probably leave now,” Maddox said, nodding the shotgun at the front door. “There is nothing for you here.”
“Um, yeah, there’s like a shit ton of cash for me here.”
Maddox cracked his neck, hoping he looked as intimidating as one could look while wearing a pink ski mask. “Do you honesty want to try your luck with me, kid? If you don’t leave, you will die. Do you understand?”
The kid attempted to crack his neck as well, but came up empty. He shrugged it off and scrunched his brow. “Hey, bro, in case you don’t see it, I have a gun, too. And I am not afraid to bust a cap in yo ass, mo’fucka.”
Maddox couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing. “What was that?”
The kid frowned, clearly regretting his wording. “I don’t know. That one guy said it in that one movie once.”
“Oh, that one?”
“Stop making fun of me!” The kid blushed.
“Kid, get the hell out of here. You’re too much.”
“I’m too much? At least I’m not wearing a freakin’ pink mask.”
“But you do have on a wizard cape.”
“It’s my lucky wizard cape, thank you very much!”
There was a loud thud off to the side. Ruth Desperation was standing there angrily, a duffle bag laying at her feet.
“Well, here it is!” she shouted. It looked as if she wanted to punch someone. Or eat something. Possibly both.
“All of it?” Maddox asked.
She snorted. “If you think I’m handing over every cent to my name you must be out of your damn mind. There’s about one fourth of the lot in there, along with a couple of dolls that’ll get you a pretty penny on the market. One of them is Obama. You’re welcome. Now, get the hell out of my house before I call the police.”
Maddox gritted his teeth. There was just not enough time to bicker over this. Hopefully King would accept his money in installments. “Lady, you’re lucky.”
“And you’re lucky I don’t kick your ass,” Ruth said. “Now shoo!”
Someone tapped his shoulder. He glanced back at the kid. “What?”
“So, um, you wanna split this down the middle, or…?”
“Heavens to Betsy! Connor Hickory Murphy, is that you?” Ruth said.
Nearly dropping the snubnose to the floor, the kid, Connor, gasped and looked over Maddox’s shoulder. “Uh, hello, Mrs. Desperation.”
“What in tarnation are you doing here?”
The kid cleared his throat. “Well, ma’am, I’m afraid I’m here to rob you.”
“You little shit.”
“I know, I know.” Connor suddenly tensed, eyes bulging.
Maddox smirked, seeing the wild black hair behind the Irish kid. “Took you long enough.”
“I…I was interrupted,” Benny said.
“Do I even want to know?”
“Uh, no, probably not. What’s going on here?”
“I’m taking what’s mine, that’s what’s going on here,” Connor said.
Maddox had to give it to him—the kid had balls. Especially with two guns aimed at him.
Benny laughed. “Who the hell are you? And where did you get that cape? It’s awesome.”
“Let’s just split the money, okay?” Connor said. Maddox saw the desperation in his eyes and he hated it. Now was not the time to feel pity.
“Don’t you give me those puppy dog eyes!” he yelled. “I mean it!”
“What?”
Benny pointed forward with the expression one manages seconds before the finale of a car crash. “Mads, watch out!”
The shotgun was ripped from his grasp and he was left with the frontend sticking right in his face. Judging from the look on the sofa hostage, he couldn’t believe his luck, either.
“How did you move so fast?” Maddox asked. He really wanted to know.
“I…I have no idea.”
“That’s my boy!” Ruth said.
“Thanks, Ma.”
“Now kill them all!”
“Uh, what?” he said, glancing at his mother.
Maddox pulled the Desert Eagle from the back of his jeans, returning the shotgun’s mean stare. He winked. “Too bad I’m faster.”
“Whoa,” he mumbled.
“You are a disgrace of a son.” Ruth sighed.
Everything had gone to shi
t—total, complete shit.
Four guns—four targets. Benny’s pistol at Connor, Connor’s snubnose at Benny, Maddox’s Desert Eagle at the sofa hostage, and the sofa hostage’s double-barreled shotgun at Maddox.
It was a regular old fashion Mexican standoff.
Connor sniffled. “Uh, guys, does anyone else smell gas?”
And that was when all hell broke loose.
Chapter Forty-Three
Why Don’t You Go Eat Some Bacon?
Addison watched as the man of her dreams dashed through the cold with a pistol and wizard cape. California, she thought, that would be perfect. Connor was right. That was where she wanted them to go. No more coldness, no more sorrow; only good things from then on. Life would be as perfect as life could be.
“Man, the amount of chick flick tension in this car is enough to make me puke,” Candy Blossom said from the backseat.
“Candy?” Addison said.
“Yeah?”
“Why don’t you go eat some bacon?”
“I wish.” She sighed, settling back against the cushion.
They sat in silence for a while, trying to keep their minds off the present. Then Candy jolted up, pointing at the mansion. “Hey, look! Somebody else got out!”
Addison watched as a wild haired man approached the trunk of the Hummer. He lifted it up, looking around, and slammed it shut. When he stepped closer to view she was able to spot a rather large pistol in his grip.
“Oh shit,” she said.
The man headed straight for the mansion, but was cutoff halfway by a dog tackling him into the snowy front yard. She watched as his gun flew a few feet away. The dog refused to get off of him.
“Isn’t that Zooey Deschanel?” Candy asked, baffled.
“Yeah, I think so.” Addison nodded.
The man tried his best to struggle out of Zooey Deschanel’s attack, but the attempt was futile. The dog slapped his face riotously with her tongue, knocking his head against the ground. They watched from inside the car, dazed and amused.
However, by the time one of them realized now would be a great time to do something, it was too late: the man had finally succeeded in wrestling away from the dog and was bending over to retrieve his pistol. Zooey Deschanel, insulted, jogged away with a frown.
Toxicity Page 24
