by Utt, Kelly
I was coping with the stress of the job reasonably well. I kept up my workout routine. It was often the busy morning rush hour when I found time to get out for a run. I was usually exhausted and weary from the messed up sleep schedule, but I ran anyway. Feeling the ground beneath my feet was my therapy. Being able to propel myself along with my own strong legs as I cruised over local terrain and took in the sounds and smells of the great outdoors was a gift I tried not to take for granted.
On the morning of the tragedy, I left work as usual when my shift ended at seven. Ali was to be getting on a plane within the next couple of hours and I figured I’d stay awake until I knew her flight had departed on time. I treated myself to a leisurely breakfast at a diner and then went for a morning jog while I waited for the call saying Ali was on the aircraft and headed my way. I’m not sure why, but I took a notion to run right down the sidewalk on the world-famous Las Vegas strip that day. The strip was a little over four miles long, which gave me a solid eight miles total if I went up and back. I’m not sure what compelled me to come out there that particular morning. My hotel was on the north side of the city in a residential area near the airport. I had to come South to the strip, and I’d have to go back north to shower at my hotel and get some rest before picking Ali up at the airport. But it didn’t happen that way.
I was passing Circus Circus on foot and I could feel the endorphins beginning to kick in when I saw a coworker of mine from Nellis walking into the front of the casino with a rifle in his hands. I could hardly believe my eyes. Cody Hebert had shown signs of psychological distress on the job, but I had no idea just how severely he had been impacted. I watched as Cody pushed his way past staff and forced his way into the building. He then reportedly continued back to the hotel tower and rode the elevator to the tenth floor, then took a room key from a member of the housekeeping staff. I had walked around the side of the building towards the rear parking lot to see if I could get a better vantage point on what was happening in the hotel. I was standing on a sidewalk outside trying to make sense of it all when Cody crashed through a window above me and fell to the concrete below, ending his life and splattering himself all over the place in the single most gruesome scene I have ever witnessed. The sound his body made when it hit the ground was one I’ll never forget for the rest of my days. I was traumatized, big time. And it wasn’t over yet.
When I called my supervisor to let him know about Cody’s death, the inciting incident he reported changed my worldview forever.
It was Idris.
Cody had been watching her while I was away. She was usually home for the evening when I left my station, but not always. Every once in a while, she’d stay out longer waiting for the evening crowd if she hadn’t sold all of her fruit during the day.
That day, things escalated not long after I left when a known terrorist was spotted near where Idris was still on duty at her fruit stand. The orders came fast and from high up. Cody was directed to drop a targeted missile to kill the terrorist. There was no way to warn the innocent people in the vicinity. The element of surprise was critical to taking out the bad guy and the whole thing was deemed necessary for our own national security. Idris and the other non-combatants were considered acceptable losses.
Cody tried to resist and to talk his way out of taking lethal action, but in the military chain of command there’s no room for disobeying orders. You can be court martialled or worse. The entire military structure and effectiveness of the organization relies on the chain of command. There’s no way around it.
Cody followed orders and pulled the trigger. He dropped the bomb that killed sweet Idris and dozens of other civilians. And he couldn’t live with himself. He had become attached to her just like I had. She had been a bright spot and a human connection. And we destroyed her like it was nothing.
It was hard for me to understand why Idris’s death was necessary. It seemed like we could have waited and followed the terrorist until he was further away from the public marketplace, avoiding collateral damage. It was also hard for me to understand why Cody’s death was necessary. The whole culture of military-operated predator drones and the Airmen who pilot them remotely is inherently tricky. I get that and I know I’ll have to deal with the same issues in my own business, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to reconcile the brutality.
The fact that I couldn’t tell anyone what had happened with Idris and Cody left me conflicted. I think it still affects me to this day. In fact, I know it does. Along with numerous other things that happened during my time in the Air Force, including the incident which made me a hero. The public knew just enough to bestow that title on me, but the backstory is still classified. I’m certain a lot of people would change their opinion of me if they knew all the details. But I’m not ready to think about that right now. Luckily, I don’t have to.
Maybe Roddy is right that I’m afraid to get up close to the violence. Maybe I’ve seen enough from a distance to rattle me thoroughly. I was utilized for my intelligence and had to make life and death decisions. As a result, I’ve been privy to horrors the likes of which I never wanted to witness.
Us protectors all have different roles and specialties though. I wasn’t a foot soldier holding ground or a CIA field agent on my own and required to protect myself physically. Maybe Roddy was. I wonder why he didn’t pick up the gun the night of the break-in. I’d surmise that he wanted to keep a distance from the violence, same as me, except I know that isn’t true because he killed the man with his bare hands.
I decide to let it all rest for now and to stay the course in Tahoe. The conversation with Roddy doesn’t go any further, which is fine with me. I’ll keep what he said in mind, but there aren’t easy answers. I decide to trust that Mom will be alright. To believe in her strength. And I’m going to believe in my own ability to handle whatever may come.
It’s been a long day, so we order dinner in and have a low-key evening watching TV.
As a family, we’re going to get through all of this fear and doubt. There will come a day when we don’t even think about it anymore.
8
Creative Liberties
Tuesday goes by fast as we explore the area and enjoy the lake. The boys adjust to the time difference pretty quickly. I guess it’s true what they say about kids being resilient. The weather is perfect and we’re making amazing memories.
Things seem calm at home, so I put Mom’s open door out of my mind. It’s Wednesday now and Taye and Duke are flying in to spend a few days. I’m excited to hang out with them and to talk business. It’s pretty amazing that they were able to make arrangements to come out here on such short notice. I guess that’s one benefit of having a lot of money and being willing to use it. Taye has plenty of money to spend thanks to his booming consulting business. And Duke took Roddy up on his generous offer to cover travel expenses.
Their flights arrive around the same time in Reno, so Taye and Duke share a rental car for the ride down to our temporary headquarters in South Lake Tahoe. It works out well because it provides time for the guys to get to know each other better. And that’s not the only thing that works out well. We booked this rental house more than a month ago, and luckily, there’s plenty of room for everyone. It’ll be festive to have everyone under the same roof. Ali and I both enjoy entertaining. There’s something extra fun about doing it while on vacation, too.
Duke and Taye will each have their own room on the first level of the vacation home, complete with easy access to the lake. I’m sure they’ll enjoy themselves. There’s a kitchenette on that level, and the fridge is stocked with cold beer. I can already imagine them in my mind’s eye, talking and laughing like old friends.
Taye and Duke pull up out front in their rented black Suburban SUV just as Marjorie and Roddy are putting the finishing touches on a scrumptious lunch they made for us. Liam and I help our friends inside while Ali supervises with little Will on her hip. The smell of oven-baked ham and cheese sandwiches wafts through the air on the main l
evel. It makes the place feel like a home away from home, that’s for sure.
“Something smells damn good in here,” Duke says as he walks in, smiling like a kid on a school field trip.
“I know that’s right,” Taye adds, entering the kitchen and kissing Marjorie on the cheek. “Ali, how did your parents get to be such amazing cooks?”
“Oh, they’re only sandwiches, Taye,” Marjorie says, blushing. She’s always loved Taye, and she appreciates his attention. “Nothing too elaborate.”
“Yeah, nothing too elaborate,” Roddy says with a wink as he embraces Taye, then Duke for manly hugs. “Welcome, guys. Make yourselves comfortable.”
“Dukie!” Ethan says as he and Leo gallop out of the bedroom to greet our guests.
“Ethan! Leo!” Duke says back, setting his suitcase on the floor, then stooping down to hug the boys. “How are you, little men? What’s good?”
“Lots of things are good, Dukie!” Ethan says enthusiastically. “We are on vacation!”
“I see you are,” Duke confirms. “And now I’m on vacation with you, too. How fun is that?”
“And Jenny stays at home,” Ethan confirms.
“That’s right,” Duke replies. “Jen has work to do at the College this week, so she stayed at home.”
“Mommy said,” Ethan replies, looking a little sad.
“I’ll tell you what,” Duke offers. “Maybe you can talk to Jen when I call her later tonight. How does that sound? When I left, Lady was sleeping on Jen’s belly as if she knows there’s a baby growing in there. We’ll find out if she’s still doing it.”
“Yay!” Leo cheers, clapping up a storm. Ethan follows suit, mimicking his little brother for a change. These two are so easily entertained.
“Mommy told me Jen was growing a baby,” Ethan confirms.
“That’s right,” Duke says. “And I’m the daddy. Isn’t that exciting?”
Ethan nods, then looks up at Taye and waves. But he doesn’t offer the warm welcome he gave to Duke. I’m sure the boys will get to know Taye better and, in time, they’ll be galloping into his arms as well. We’ll all be seeing a lot more of Ali’s college friend now that he’s going into business with us.
There’s no shortage of love and admiration in this group. Will is smiling at everyone from Ali’s hip. He’s quite the little charmer, too. Maybe he can become buddies with Taye while his older brothers focus on Duke. Ali sees Taye looking a little left out while Duke, Ethan, and Leo continue to chat.
“Hey, Taye,” Ali begins. “Do you mind holding Will for a few minutes while I help Mom and Dad set the table?”
“I’d be happy to, if he’ll have me,” Taye replies with a smile.
Ali lifts little Will towards Taye and the baby giggles with delight. Taye looks like an experienced pro as he takes our little guy into his arms and situates him facing outward so he can see what’s happening. Clearly Taye hasn’t lost his touch since Malcolm was an infant. It goes by fast, just like they say. But once a parent, always a parent. Once the skills are developed, you don’t lose the knack for handling kiddos. I imagine that holds true for grandparents and great-grandparents. I doubt it matters one bit how many years it’s been since your own babies were little.
That thought makes me wonder how it works from one life to another. I hope to learn more as I continue to grow spiritually and broaden my horizons. Maybe our talents and seemingly innate abilities in this life actually have a much deeper origin. That kind of thing is fascinating to ponder. Maybe the kids we see in online videos doing unbelievable things such as playing piano like tiny virtuosos are tapping into some past life experiences. I wonder if I have any talents brought forward from the past. I wonder if that’s what has happened with Ali and her cello playing. It’s almost too good to make sense otherwise. Roddy snaps me back to the present moment with news that lunch is on the table and ready to eat.
“Come on, everybody,” Roddy says cheerfully. “Come and get it.”
As if on cue, he and Marjorie break into a perfectly synchronized rendition of Oh, What a Beautiful Morning from the Broadway play Oklahoma. Leave it to them to sing show tunes as they serve lunch. I guess they’re getting into gear for the new musical theater business they’re planning to open back in Ithaca. I admire the way they enjoy every moment and don’t seem to let stress or worries get them down.
“Is it still morning?” Duke asks. “Feels more like afternoon.”
“Out here it’s still technically morning, yes,” Marjorie answers.
“Fifteen minutes until noon, to be exact,” Roddy adds.
“Yeah, feels later,” Taye says. “The joys of jetlag.”
“Mom and Dad are a little over the top sometimes,” Ali says, shooting a playful glance in her parents’ direction.
“Hey, now,” Roddy replies, winking at his daughter. “You should be glad you come from such vivacious and lively parents.”
“That’s right,” Marjorie adds. “Would you rather we mope around all dejected and dull?”
We laugh together as we eat the hot ham and cheese sandwiches and the fresh greens that the elder Davies couple set out to go with them. The mood is upbeat. There’s an energy in the air we can all feel. Things are coming together. It seems like some good things are about to happen.
As soon as lunch is finished, we don’t waste any time getting down to business.
“Okay, guys,” Liam begins. “And I’m talking, literally, to the grown-up guys here. George, Roddy, Duke, and Taye, how do you feel about kicking off our business discussions on the pontoon boat I just rented?”
“You rented a boat?” I ask, my knees suddenly feeling weak. It’s not the water I’m afraid of, but rather of being unavailable to Ali and the boys. I wish my reaction could be more positive.
“I did,” Liam responds. “Seemed like a fun and festive way to begin. We are on vacation, after all. I have a cooler of cold beer ready to go, too.”
“I dig it,” Duke says, nodding his approval.
“I thought we could spend the afternoon out on the lake, just us beer-drinking businessmen,” Liam says with a chuckle. “Then we can swing back by the house around dinnertime and pick up the ladies and kiddos. There’s a waterfront restaurant not far from here where we can pull the boat right up and dock it while we eat dinner.”
“Ooohh,” Ali says. “I’d like that.”
“A boat ride?” Ethan asks expectantly.
“Boat! Boat!” Leo cheers.
Ali raises her eyebrows, then looks down at the boys and nods yes. Little Will is on her lap again. He giggles when he sees that his mom and brothers are excited.
“Fine with me,” Marjorie says. “Maybe we’ll run to the store this afternoon while you guys are out on the water. We should do a more thorough grocery shopping than we did on Monday if you all want breakfast tomorrow.”
“Breakfast is good,” Taye says with a smile. “Thanks, ladies.”
“Don’t thank only them,” Roddy adds, jokingly. “I’m sure I’ll be helping to cook that breakfast. You had better thank me, too.”
“No doubt,” Taye says. “You are a fantastic cook. No disrespect to you, man.”
Roddy slaps Taye on the back, letting him know it’s all in good fun.
“Alright then,” Liam says. “Shall we?”
“Do we have to drive to pick up the boat?” I ask, stalling while I decide whether to express my deeper concerns.
“We do,” my uncle replies. “Let’s pile in the Jeep to go pick it up at the marina. It’ll be a tight squeeze with all five of us riding together in the Jeep, but the marina isn’t far from here and we can ride with the top down. We’ll go back and get the Jeep this evening after dinner.”
“Yeah, no problem,” Roddy says. “Let’s do it.”
“Can’t wait, man,” Duke says. He still sounds so excited.
I worry about leaving Ali, Marjorie, and the boys here alone. I believe we’re all squared away with the security system and the company that mon
itors it, but I can’t help but worry about them being vulnerable. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to any one of them. I walk over to where my wife is sitting and lean down close to her ear.
“Ali, babe,” I say. “Do you feel safe here alone with just Marjorie and the boys? While the rest of us are out on the water? It would take a while for us to get back here if you needed us.”
“I do, Georgie,” she replies. “I’m a big girl. I can handle myself. Besides, we’re in Lake Tahoe, for Pete’s sake. No one from Ithaca will find us here. That would be next level.”
“Yeah, we don’t know what level we’re dealing with,” I say softly. “That’s the problem.”
“What’s up, George?” Roddy asks me, stepping close.
“Are you sure we should leave them alone while we’re all out on the lake?” I ask him quietly.
Roddy stands up straight and takes a deep breath.
“See, this is what I was talking about, George,” he says. “Generalized anxiety about your family’s safety isn’t helpful. What is helpful is thinking strategically and making smart decisions. Do you believe your family will be safe here in this house, knowing what you do about the precautions that have been taken with the security system?”
I pause, hesitant to answer. Duke and Taye see us having a private conversation, so they grab the cooler Liam packed and head out the front door to load it into the Jeep. Liam and Marjorie hang nearby in the kitchen, ready to offer their opinions if needed.
“Georgie,” Ali says, taking my hand in hers as little Will bobs around happily on her lap and Ethan and Leo stand nearby, listening. “I think we’re fine at this house. I think we’re fine in South Lake Tahoe. And beyond that, we can’t act like prisoners for the rest of our lives. I appreciate your concern, but I won’t become a shut-in. I’m won’t let our boys grow up that way. We could spend years being afraid of an imagined threat. What kind of life would that be?”
