He gripped the counter tightly and tried not to look angry, even though he wished he’d known this about Pringles earlier. He would have never let him go near Addie. He cleared his throat and pushed aside his fantasies of hurting Pringles. “What about your parents?”
She took a gulp of wine. “My mother minimized it and said if it really bothered me I should lose weight and try and look more like my sisters. I tried that for a while. I didn’t eat anything but vegetables for a few weeks, and I’d managed to lose almost twenty pounds, but it wasn’t good enough because I was still getting made fun of. Then I tried dyeing my hair blond to be like Molly and Melody, but I fried my hair so badly I had to get it cut short. My mother didn’t let me live that one down. So I just resorted to eating junk food in private in my room and reading books and wishing for the day I could be away from everyone who made me hate myself. I stopped skating because I became too self-conscious about the outfits. I ended up gaining even more weight.”
He wanted to hurt people. Lots of people. He thought of her reaction to Bella and the situation at school and understood why she’d been so concerned. She’d been so worried about Bella, and it made his heart swell because she had been coming at it from a place of experience and compassion. “Addie, I’m sorry.”
“Wait. You need to hear the grand finale,” she said, sliding his glass of wine over to him. He couldn’t even pick it up and drink, he was so tense.
“Damien was the most popular guy in school, and if I’m being completely honest, I had a crush on him. I guess I wasn’t good at hiding it. A couple weeks before ChristmasFest, he and his girlfriend staged some public breakup. Then he asked me to the dance and the skating show; he said he’d had a crush on me for years. He wanted to be my partner. We went to the rink every day for the two weeks leading up to that night. He was nice. He practiced with me…”
He ducked his head, clenching his hands into fists at the pain in her voice. “Of course I believed him. He was a tortured hero, like in my books. He needed to be redeemed. He needed a woman to fix him. I was going to be that girl.”
“Addie…”
She held up her index finger and took a long gulp of wine before speaking again. “I picked the prettiest, sparkly skirt, and Melody did my hair and makeup, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world that my years of being an outcast were over. I went onto the ice that night with so much confidence. Looking back, I should have known…all his friends, his girlfriend were sitting right in the front row…the lights came on, and he had this weird look on his face. When we went to do the first lift, which we’d rehearsed and done a thousand times to perfection because I was a figure skater and he was a hockey player, he pretended to struggle because of my weight and dropped me. All his friends laughed, and he skated away, and they threw eggs on the ice. I couldn’t move, because he’d hurt me when he threw me. The lights turned off, and Mel was there helping me get off the ice.”
He was going to find Pringles and cut him open with a dull scalpel.
She had gone through all of that, and she was willing to get on the ice with his daughter, to put Isabella’s needs above her own. He ran his hands through his hair as he remembered what Melody had said tonight. He looked at Addie and knew he was in love with her. This woman, this gorgeous, smart, caring woman, had put his daughter’s needs above her own, when her own mother wouldn’t.
They had entered her world, and she’d greeted them with a smile so filled with joy that both he and Isabella forgot how to be sad. She’d brought out everything good in them, and she’d guided him, without knowing, toward the life he truly wanted. She was almost ten years younger than him, but she’d figured out what was really important in life. He stood there, his eyes locked with hers, searching for the right words, but came up short. He wanted to comfort her and tell her that they were all idiots. He wanted to make promises he had no right making. He wanted her more than anything.
“You look stressed,” she said, the beginnings of a smile at the corners of her lush mouth.
“Are you kidding me?” he said, slowly taking a step closer to her, despite his promises to himself. The need to hold her was slowly winning out, slowly eroding his wall of resolution.
“Maybe,” he said, his gaze going from her eyes to her lips.
“Because you don’t want to be here?”
“Because I don’t want to take advantage of you,” he said.
“Take advantage of me?” she said. She then proceeded to laugh and clutch his arm as she did so.
“Is that funny?” he asked, amused and horrified all at the same time. He took her hand off his arm and held it, slowly rubbing his thumb on the palm of her hand.
She nodded, smiling, taking a step closer to him. He could see her pulse racing at the base of her throat. “I haven’t heard that expression in a long time. I know you have a lot of things to sort out…emotionally.”
“I’m not emotional,” he said, lifting his arm and placing his hand at the nape of her neck. She let out an audible sigh. “I just don’t want to hurt you, Addie. I can’t make promises, I can’t start over, and I can’t make Bella feel like she’s not my first priority again. I’ve been a crap father, and I have a long way to go to being the kind of father she can be proud of one day.”
Her eyes were filled with tears, and he thought she was going to step away from him, but she closed the gap between them and looked up at him in a way that made him feel like she saw the person he wanted to be, she saw, and she believed. “I think you’ve gone a long way in restoring her faith in you, and I think you’ve got a daddy’s girl in the making with Isabella. But I’m not going to stand in the way of your relationship with your daughter. Bella is your number one priority, as she should be. Maybe that’s one of the things I lo—like about you so much, that you didn’t take the easy way out and continue with status quo; you faced your mistakes, and you started over. We all make mistakes, but we don’t all admit it, and we certainly don’t all change from them. Drew, you are one of the good guys, even if you don’t know it yet.”
He stood there, not having the words to answer her yet. He’d always had words; he’d always had confidence. He’d known he was smart. He’d never failed at anything until it came to his marriage and his little girl. He’d given awful news to patients, to families, to spouses. He’d faced impossible surgeries, gruesome emergencies, and he’d always known what to do. He’d never hesitated in any area of his life. But right now, with the most beautiful woman he’d ever known, he was speechless; he was motionless and without direction. “I’m not sure how you have that kind of confidence in me, Addie.”
“I’ve seen what’s out there. I’ve been hurt by people. I know who the good people are, even when they can’t see it in themselves,” she whispered, her voice so raw and sweet he knew he couldn’t stand here and not kiss her one more time. He bent his head, and she met him halfway, her arms sliding up his chest. What began as sweet quickly changed into something he’d never felt before. He wanted Addie on every level.
He traced the curvy lines of her body with his hands, and she guided him to the sofa in her apartment. He unzipped her dress in the dark before following her down onto the sofa. Her hands pushed at his jacket, and she helped him shove it off his shoulders before he ripped his tie off his neck, and her hands went to the buttons on his shirt. Finally, when most of the clothing was removed, he gave her the attention he was dying to give her, his mouth back on hers, his hands exploring the woman in his dreams.
“Addie, I’ve never…I’ve never wanted someone more than you,” he said, his mouth kissing the smooth skin beneath her ear.
“Really?” she whispered, holding him to her. “Me too. But I should probably tell you that due to the fact that, um, I had issues in the past and extenuating circumstances…”
He paused, his fingers on the clasp of her bra, his head trying to tell him she was sounding odd. He looked up at her, trying to focus on what she was saying and not how incredible she looked an
d felt under him. “What is it?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound harsh.
“So, this would technically be…you would technically be the first person I’ve done this with.”
Sometimes, surgery didn’t go right. Sometimes, he’d be staring at an artery that ruptured when it shouldn’t. He always knew what to do. He never needed time to process. He always acted. Until now. He blinked, staring at her, hearing her words but not really wanting to believe them.
She poked his shoulder. “Stop staring at me like that. I didn’t say I wanted to stop. I was just warning you so you could adjust your expectations.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, surprised tears didn’t come as he pried himself off her warm, soft body and sat on the opposite end of the couch. He leaned forward and braced his arms on his legs, a thousand thoughts pummeling through his mind. When he realized several minutes must have passed and that she must be waiting for some kind of reply and that she was probably feeling vulnerable and embarrassed and he was acting like an ass, he turned to look at her.
Addie was glaring at him. Then she tossed a pillow at him. “Way to make a girl feel comfortable.”
He hung his head. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s it?” she asked, standing up and reaching for the dress that was going to cover up the most gorgeous body. He squeezed his eyes shut again and searched for the words that she needed.
“I wasn’t expecting that,” he said, knowing that wasn’t enough.
“So what? I was telling you as a courtesy statement. Like when you’re at a restaurant and before you order they tell you of a menu item that’s missing. They don’t expect you to leave the damn restaurant,” she said, marching across the room.
He stood, running a hand through his hair as she marched into the small kitchen open to the room he was in. “Addie, why haven’t you slept with anyone before?”
She turned around to face him, and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes, and he hated himself. “Because.”
He walked forward, his hands in his pockets. “Because why?”
She tilted her chin as he stood in front of her. “Because I wanted him…it to be special.”
“You wanted a guy who would be around forever, and that’s what you deserve.”
Her chin wobbled. “And you’re not him,” she said, her voice cracking.
He closed the gap between them, holding her against him, feeling her tears on his bare skin. “I’m sorry. I want to be him. More than anything, I want to be that guy, and I want to make you all the promises you deserve. I just can’t. When everything fell apart in my life, I promised myself and I promised Isabella that I wouldn’t let her get hurt again, that I would make her my number one priority. All I have to offer is my…friendship.” Said no sane man, ever. He reminded himself he wasn’t just a guy anymore; he was a father.
Addie nodded and then stepped back, wiping tears from her eyes. “I always admired that about you. You don’t see the man you are. You see the mistakes you’ve made. I see the guy, Drew. I see the father you are.”
“I need to see him, too. You get to a point in life when you figure out what’s really important. The shit people waste their lives worrying about doesn’t matter in the end. The obsession with money, with beauty, with sex, it means nothing because none of it really matters; it doesn’t guarantee happiness. Life can be pretty damn cruel without inventing our own drama. I don’t want that in my life. I wasted too many years chasing what I thought was important. I chased status because we never had that growing up. I chased wealth because my parents were always short on cash, because my dad never had the money to treat my mother to expensive gifts or jewelry. I’m almost thirty-five, and I’ve only just figured out that none of that mattered to them. They loved each other, and it was more than enough.”
She smiled at him, a smile way too beautiful, way too mature for her years. “If you were anyone else, I think I’d jump you.”
He laughed but grew serious quickly as sadness gripped him. “I don’t want to think about you jumping anyone else. If I had met you…if I had met you years ago…”
“You would have been creepy because I was just a teenager.”
He frowned. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
She raised her wine glass but not before he saw her smile. “It’s all right. I won’t hold it against you.”
“Addie, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do here. I can’t just walk out on you.”
She shrugged. “But I would never want to hurt Bella, so that’s fine. We will be friends. I’ll go on with my life…and find someone else,” she said, taking a long drink of wine.
“This sucks,” he said, running his hands through his hair.
“Yeah,” she whispered. He looked up sharply when he heard the catch in her voice. He couldn’t make her cry. He couldn’t be one of those people.
“Can I ask you something?”
He nodded, the lump in his throat increasing when her eyes glistened with tears.
“If Jill walked back into your lives tomorrow, saying she wanted another chance at being your wife, at being a mother, what would you do?”
His mouth dropped open, and he was ready to declare he’d have nothing to do with her. But as he was thinking it, the reality of his situation, that it wasn’t as simple as that hit him. He had Bella to consider. If her mother came back into her life, it would make her happy. “Addie…”
She smiled sadly and shook her head. “Say no more.”
He frowned.
“Don’t worry about it. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. There’s no point anyway. We are nothing except friends.”
Shit. That wasn’t it at all. If Jill came back into his life, he’d want nothing to do with her romantically. He would never get back together with Jill. That ship had sailed. He’d just try and find a way to make things easier on Bella. So where the hell did that leave him and Addie? He couldn’t walk out of here and pretend he wasn’t in love with her…but he couldn’t start a relationship again.
He didn’t want her with anyone but him. “So, this is it.”
She nodded, leaning against the counter. “Yup. This is it.”
“We are friends.”
“Yup. Friends,” she said, her gaze flickering over his body. Hell. “You should go get your shirt on or something,” she said, shielding her eyes.
“Don’t look at me like that or talk like that,” he said.
“Then you have to stop letting your eyes wander.”
He squeezed them shut and nodded. “You’re right. You should go wrap yourself in a blanket.” Who was he kidding? He’d just end up fantasizing about unravelling the blanket.
“Also, I want you to know that if Jill comes back, I won’t hold it against you for trying to rebuild your family,” she whispered.
“Addie,” he groaned. He stopped himself from correcting her because maybe it was for the best. Maybe it would make things easier if she thought there was a possibility of Isabella getting her family back.
“Just so we’re clear on something, Drew?”
“Yes?”
“I’m still in Isabella’s life, right? Like, this thing between us has nothing to do with her? I still want to pick her up from school. I still want to do the skating program with her.”
That was why he was in love with her. He stared at her and knew that ending this with Addie was going to be painful, because she was who he should have married. She was the mother that Isabella deserved. She cared more about his daughter than her feelings. He cleared his throat. “I would like that. I appreciate that. She loves you.”
She nodded, turning. “Me too,” she whispered.
Chapter Twelve
Addie adjusted her elf skirt as she stood by the rink, trying to catch a glimpse of Isabella and Drew. She tried not to stare at the rink because she didn’t want to think back to high school, but when she looked out at the crowds, she was reminded of all the happy families and couples here tonight. She wasn’t
one of them.
True to his word, she and Isabella continued to see each other every day the last week. They had rehearsed every night; they had laughed and read stories together. She’d helped Isabella write a Christmas story for Drew, and then they’d bound it and had it laminated. Isabella had picked out wrapping paper at the store and had wrapped it up for him.
Every night when Drew came to pick her up, they’d exchange polite hellos and nothing more. Every night she’d cried herself to sleep because she loved them both, and somewhere along the way she’d actually dreamed about what it would be like to spend every day with Drew and Isabella.
“Addie!”
Addie looked up to see Isabella running toward her, arms flailing, looking adorable in her own elf costume. Drew was walking behind her, looking as handsome as usual. Addie knelt down to receive an exuberant hug from Isabella. “I’m so excited,” Isabella said, her green eyes sparkling and wide.
“Me too, sweetie,” Addie said, standing up and swallowing her nerves over having to perform tonight.
Isabella waved to some of the kids that were starting to approach the rink. “Can I go say hi to my friends, Daddy?”
Drew nodded. “Sure, just stay close by.”
“Hi,” he said, walking up to her.
She tugged at the short green skirt and tried to look calm and collected. “Isabella looks adorable.”
“So do you. Hell, sorry,” he said, looking away. “Addie, you don’t have to do this. I know you promised Isabella, but we can come up with something. I can go out there.”
“We both know that would be a disaster. Drew, I’m fine. There’s no way I’m going back on my promise to her. It’s time I moved on. Besides, Melody is on standby in case someone throws eggs tonight.”
A Christmas Miracle for the Doctor Page 13
