Just Disgusting!
Page 3
Please can I stay up?
Please can I, Mum?’
‘Come on,’ she says,
‘Mummy knows best.
If you weren’t so tired
you wouldn’t protest.7
‘You’ve had a good go.
You’ve had a big day.8
Just be a good boy
and do what I say.’
I stamp my foot
and shake my head.
‘I am NOT a good boy.
I will NOT go to bed!’9
But then the door opens
and in walks Dad.10
He’s got a big frown.
He looks mad.
‘Not in bed yet,
Andy?’ says he.
‘I’ll give you to
the count of three!11
‘One,’ he says—
He stares at me ...
‘Two,’ he says.
He pauses ... ‘THREE!’12
I leave the room.
I count to ten ...13
And then I go
back in again ...14
‘I’ve lost my pyjamas!
I can’t find my teddy!15
I’m hungry! I’m thirsty!
I’m really not ready!’
But Mum and Dad
ignore what I said.
‘ANDY,’ they say,
‘JUST GO TO BED!’16
‘But I’ve got a sore finger
and I’ve got a sore bum.
I’ve got pains in my legs
and my arms are all numb ...17
‘Not to mention my lice
and my chronic back pain.
My cloudy vision!
My aching brain!18
‘My teeth! My tongue!
My eyes! My nose!
My tonsils! My kidneys!
My stomach! My toes!19
‘I can’t go to sleep.
I’ll wake up dead!’
‘You soon will be,’ says Dad,
‘if you DON’T go to bed!’20
I start to cry.21
I start to moan.
‘How would YOU like it up
there all alone?
‘How would you like it
in your lumpy old bed22
with the lumps in your pillow
sticking into your head?
‘How would you like it
if your pyjamas were too tight
and you had to lie there
with a wedgie23 all night?’
Now Dad’s really mad.
He’s pretty near blowing.24
‘All right,’ I say,
‘I’m going! I’m going!’
I climb the stairs
towards my room.
I open the door25
and face my doom.
I’m all alone.
I’m full of fear.
It’s cold and dark
and ghosts live here!26
A thumping noise!
A spooky sound!
I turn around
and run back down ...27
Mum looks at me.
Dad shakes his head.28
‘I thought we told you to
GO TO BED!’
‘But I’m scared,’ I cry,
‘I heard a thump.
It came from the cupboard.
Something went bump!29
‘Don’t make me go back there!
Don’t make me stay!
It’s cruelty to kids!
I’ll tell the RSPCA!’30
But Mum and Dad
don’>62
‘WE DON’T CARE,’ they shout,
‘JUST GO TO BED!’
It’s not looking good.
They’re tough nuts to crack.
But I WILL win.
I’m NOT going back.32
I’m going to give it
one last try.
It’s time to pull out
My ultimate lie ...33
‘But I CAN’T go to bed,’
I say to those two.
‘I can’t go now,
I’ve got homework to do!’34
‘It’s too late now,’
says my dad.
‘Yes,’ says Mum,
‘it’s just too bad!’35
‘But if I don’t do it
I’m doomed!’ I wail.
‘If it’s not in tomorrow
I’m going to fail!36
‘I’ll be expelled!
I’ll be out on the street.
Who knows what thugs
I’m likely to meet?37
‘I’ll join a gang!
I’ll commit a crime!38
I’ll end up behind bars
doing time!
‘But there isn’t a jail
that could ever hold me.39
I’d have to break out!
I’d have to bust free!40
‘Every cop in the world
would be looking for me.
A fugitive41
is what I’d be.
‘Hunted like an animal.
Public Enemy Number One!42
Is that what you want
for your favourite son?’
I pause and wait
for my words to sink in.43
Have I convinced them?
Will I win?
‘All right,’ says Dad.
‘Perhaps we were wrong.
Stay up if you have to.
Stay up all night long.44
‘Just do your homework.
Just get it all done.
We don’t want you living
a life on the run.’45
I look at my dad.
I look at my mum.
I can’t believe
they’ve bought this one. 46
This is amazing!
This is great!
I got what I wanted!
I’m staying up late!47
But then Mum and Dad
get up out of their chairs,
walk out of the room
and start climbing the stairs.48
‘Hey, where are you going?’
I say, scratching my head.
‘We’re tired,’ says Mum,
‘we’re going to bed.’49
‘But what about me?’
I say, ‘Here all alone?
I’ll be all by myself!
I’ll be all on my own!50
‘You CAN’T go to bed!
Not at THIS time of night!
You’re older than me!51
It just isn’t right!’
But Dad just yawns
And says ‘Goodnight.
Don’t forget to lock up
and switch off the light.’52
‘Hey, wait!’ I say,
but they’ve disappeared.
I don’t like this—
it feels kind of weird.53
I’m all alone
I’m full of fear
I sit on the couch
I don’t like it here.54
What was that noise?
I heard something squeak.55
Something went bump!
Something went creak!
It could be a mouse ...
but it might be a bat!56
No, I’m just being silly,
it’s probably the cat.
But what am I thinking?
I let out a shout:
‘WE DON’T HAVE A CAT!’57
This is creeping me out!
I try to calm down.
I turn on the TV.
But the first thing I see
is a horror movie.58
The living room fills
with horrible shrieks!
It’s a film about axe-wielding
blood-sucking freaks.59
I turn it off.
I try to relax.
I take a deep breath.
But I can’t get that scene out of my mind where that poor kid who is sitting up late all by himself watching a horror
movie suddenly has a group of blood-sucking axe-wielding freaks jump out of the TV and split his head open with a pick-axe.60
I get up from the couch.
Like a rocket I zoom—61
I shoot up the stairs
and into my room!
Before I know it
I’m cosy and calm
with my favourite old teddy62
snuggled under my arm.
I pull the blanket
up to my chin.
I’m safe63 and I’m warm64 ...
And I’m all tucked in.65
I’m no longer feeling
tense and edgy—
All I can feel
is a king-size wedgie.66
But I don’t mind.
I’m loving this!
The lumps,67 the thumps:68
it’s pure bliss!
Yes ... I know I’m in bed.
But just you wait ...
Tomorrow I’ll stay up
REALLY late!69
1 It’s really cool. It’s about this kid who won’t go to bed.
2 You know the one.
3 I did hear, but I’m pretending I didn’t.
4 I bet Action Man doesn’t go to bed at 8.30.
5 She thinks that just because she points at the door, I’m going to go through it. Boy, is she in for a surprise.
6 I’ve already gained at least a minute anyway, so I’m already winning, no matter what she says.
7 Mum’s argument makes no sense. Because if I argue, it proves, according to her, that I’m tired and I need to go to bed. But if I don’t argue, I end up having to go to bed anyway.
8 Again, Mum is making no sense. No day is ‘bigger’ or ‘smaller’ than another. What does she think I am? An idiot?
9 There’s no way I’m going to give in. Especially since Dad’s not home.
10 Uh-oh.
11 Dad always counts to three. I think that’s because it’s as high as he can count.
12 The thing is, that when he says ‘three’ he’s not mucking around anymore. Best to do what he says.
13 This clearly proves that I’m smarter than my dad. It also gives him time to calm down and forget that he counted to three.
14 You didn’t really think I was going to give up that easily, did you?
15 I’m just making this up of course. As if I still need a teddy bear—they’re just for babies.
16 Okay, they asked for it ...
17 None of this is true—I’m actually 100% healthy, but they don’t know that.
18 None of this is true, either—except for the lice.
19 Actually, the more I think about it, the worse I feel.
20 Did I hear right? Did my dad just give me a death threat? That’s the second time in this book and we’re only up to page 40
21 Not real crying. Just pretend.
22 My mattress is so old it should be in a museum.
23 I’ve had these Action Man pyjamas since I was four. I’ve asked Mum for new ones, but she says they don’t make them in my size—that they only make them for little kids. I think she’s just trying to save money.
24 I can tell this because he’s going bright red in the face.
25 With difficulty. There’s a huge pile of clothes on the floor.
26 The ghosts live in my cupboard. That’s why my clothes are all over the floor. I’m too scared to open it and put them away.
27 I want my mummy!
28 My mum and dad shake their heads a lot. Especially around bedtime.
29 It wasn’t the Bogeyman, either. He lives under my bed.
30 Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Andys.
31 Probably because they’ve heard this one before.
32 Not if I can think of another excuse, that is.
33 I’m not saying it’s good to lie, but sometimes parents leave you no choice.
34 Well, actually, it’s not a lie. I do have homework, but I have no intention of actually doing it.
35 They obviously need a little more persuasion. Well, here it comes ...
36 Mum and Dad hate it when I say the F-word.
37 I don’t REALLY think any of this is going to happen, but they do.
38 Not just walking when the sign says DON’T WALK, either. I mean really bad crime. Like running across the road without even looking. And going to bed without cleaning my teeth. And writing rap songs with lots of swearing in them.
39 Except those ones with bars across the windows, really high walls and razor wire around the top.
40You can do anything with a Swiss Army knife, well, except for removing bars from windows, climbing really high walls and cutting through razor wire. But apart from that, practically anything.
41 They’ll probably make a movie about me and everything.
42 Actually the more I think about it, the more attractive it seems. It sure sounds a lot more exciting than doing Except those ones with bars across the windows, really high walls and razor wire around the top.
43 They look kind of stunned.
44 Hmmm. This could be a trick.
45 No, I don’t think it’s a trick. They’ve swallowed my story hook, line and sinker.
46 Well I can, because I’m so brilliant ... I guess what I meant to say was that I can’t believe that I’m so brilliant. But I am.
47 Wait till I tell Danny about this. He’s going to be SO jealous!
48 Huh?
49 She does look tired, actually. So does Dad. It must be awful being that ancient.
50 Parents can be SO selfish.
51 It doesn’t make sense. The whole point of being a grown up is that you don’t have to go to bed early.
52 This has never happened before. Never!
53 I mean, what’s their problem? Don’t they LIKE spending time with me?
54 Not anymore.
55 No, it didn’t come from me. Or my bum.
56 A vampire bat come to suck on my blood. Aaaggghhh!
57 Well, not any more. Not since a few years ago when Dad took it to the vet and came home without it. He said it went to sleep. Maybe it’s finally woken up.
58 Normally I love horror movies, but it’s not what I need right now.
59 The film is called ‘Axe-wielding Blood-sucking Freaks’.
60 Yes, I know this line is too long but at least it rhymes.
61 A skyrocket that is, not a space rocket because space rockets are quite slow to take off at first, and I was really fast.
62 All right, I admit it. I DO have a teddy bear. In fact I have a few. And I like to cuddle them in bed. So what? I bet you would too if you had ghosts in your cupboard.
63 A blanket, as everybody knows, is by far the best protection against axe-wielding blood-sucking freaks.
64 They are also good for keeping you warm. Blankets, that is, not axe-wielding blood-sucking freaks.
65 Sure, I know I didn’t want to go to bed before, but I’ve changed my mind, okay? Give me a break. I’m overtired. I’ve had a big day. I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.
66 Refer to footnote 23.
67 Refer to footnote 22.
68 Refer to footnote 26.
69 Goodnight.
aking a cake: a recipe for success or a recipe for disaster? It’s up to you: in this story the decisions are yours.
Your name is Andy. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and you’ve decided to surprise your mother by getting up early and baking her a cake. The only problem is that you’ve never baked a cake before but, hey, you’re not going to let a minor detail like that stop you.
Good luck, happy baking, and whatever you do, BE CAREFUL!
1
Tomorrow morning has arrived. Your digital Action Man alarm goes off, an emergency siren, followed by Action Man barking commands: ‘GET UP! TIME FOR ACTION! GO! GO! GO!’
*If you roll over and think, ‘I hate that clock! And I don’t feel like getting up and baking a cake—I think I’ll just sleep in instead ... what has Mum ever done for me anyway?’ g
o to 2.
*If you jump straight out of bed and go to the kitchen, go to 3.
2
You roll over and try to shut the alarm off but you accidentally knock over the glass of water on the bedside table. Most of the water spills onto the carpet, but some of it goes into the back of the ELECTRIC digital Action Man clock and, as you well know, water and electricity don’t mix. The clock crackles and spits, the siren speeds up and slows down, Action Man’s voice sounds like it’s underwater. You think ‘I REALLY hate that clock!’ and reach over to try to turn it off again. This time you hit the clock, now alive with 240 volts of electricity, which shoots up your arm and fries your brain. Your last thought is that your mother is going to get a surprise all right—but not the one you intended. You die.
THE END
3
You go into the kitchen and you hear a strange clacking sound in the food cupboard. It must be one of the traps your dad set as part of his campaign against the rats that have been trying to take over the kitchen lately. They’ve been poohing all over the benches, poohing in the oven, poohing inside the breadbox and your dad has declared war on them with traps, poison and the most deadly weapon of all—your dog Sooty. You open the door of the food cupboard and, sure enough, you see a rat has been caught in one of the traps. A big disgusting rat with greasy brown flea-ridden fur. But it’s not dead—only its paw is trapped. It looks at you with its big sad pleading rat eyes. You can’t believe it, but you actually feel sorry for this revolting creature ...