by E. L. Todd
She looked up at me with hesitant eyes, like she regretted coming down there now that she was standing in front of me. It took a lot of courage to come all the way here, and now she was second-guessing it. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t mean to bother you.”
I took the picnic basket from her hand then wrapped my free arm around her waist. Without asking for permission or thinking twice about it, I pressed a kiss to her forehead.
She flinched at the touch but quickly melted a second later.
“I’m so glad to see you.” I squeezed her side affectionately then grabbed her hand.
The uncertainty disappeared from her eyes.
I pulled her inside my apartment and placed the picnic basket on the table.
“I didn’t mean to barge in. I just wanted to drop that off. Thought you might be hungry…”
There was no way she got dressed up like that just to drop off some food. “Eat with me.”
A small smile stretched her lips even though she tried to hide it. “If I’m not interrupting anything.”
“No, you aren’t.” I walked to the table and spotted the picture of her on the surface. Panic exploded in my brain and I quickly shuffled everything together and stashed it away. If she saw that picture she’d figure out what I was working on.
And that was not the best way for her to find out.
I shoved everything inside my briefcase then shut it before I placed it under the table, out of sight and out of mind.
She set the picnic basket on the surface and opened the lid. “I made sandwiches and salads. Hope you’re hungry.”
“Starving.” I pulled out the chair for her before I sat down. I was in the middle of dictating when she came to my door, but I quickly pushed the case to the back of my mind. When she was in my presence, she stole all my attention.
She sat down and passed the plastic containers to me. “Sorry, I didn’t have anything cuter than that.”
“It’s perfect.” I opened the lids and began to eat.
She kept her eyes on her food, like she was afraid to look at me. Her lack of confidence was returning, and she was uneasy all over again. “Since I hadn’t heard from you in a while I just wanted to stop by…”
Was she afraid that I was going to leave? That I lost interest and moved onto someone else? “Sorry. I got busy with my case and lost track of time. I think I’ve gotten twelve hours of sleep in the past week.” That wasn’t an exaggeration.
“Is it a complicated case? Do you have other lawyers working on it with you?”
“It’s not necessarily complicated, but I want to make sure there’s no chance of losing. And no, I’m doing this one solo.”
“Can you have another lawyer if you wanted to?”
“Yeah. But I prefer to work alone.”
She took a few bites of her salad, growing quiet.
“I’m glad you stopped by. I needed to take a break anyway.”
“I’m glad I’m not bothering you.”
“You can stop by whenever you want.” I really meant that. She could come and go whenever she pleased. It didn’t bother me in the least. I had nothing to hide and no one better to spend my time with.
“Yeah?” Her eyes turned back to me, searching my face.
“Absolutely.” I ate the food she brought, thankful for a home-cooked meal. I’d been eating out a lot because I hadn’t had time to do anything else. The sluggish aftershock of heavy meals was starting to get to me. That made her picnic taste even better.
She finished her food then carefully sealed the lids back on the plastic containers. “Well, I’ll let you go. I just wanted to stop by and visit.”
“You aren’t going anywhere.” I returned everything to the basket and closed it.
“I’m not?”
“No. Let’s watch a movie or something.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to keep you away from your work.”
“Believe me, I need a break.” I walked to the couch and took a seat at the very end. She usually sat in the opposite corner, keeping the middle seat between us. But this time, she sat directly next to me.
My heart was beating faster than it ever had before.
She came by my apartment just to see me, and now she was beside me. I wasn’t sure what I was doing to make her this comfortable around me, but I needed to keep it up.
“What do you want to watch?”
“I’m not picky.”
I turned on the TV and found Toy Story.
“I love Disney movies.”
“Anyone who doesn’t is a weirdo.”
She crossed her legs, her toned thighs catching my attention, and she watched the movie with her hands in her lap.
Instead of watching the screen I watched her. I wasn’t allowed to stare at her in the past, but now it felt appropriate. I could look at her when I wanted and however long I wanted.
When she felt my gaze burn into her cheek she turned my way.
I didn’t pull my gaze away, refusing to avert my eyes. I loved staring at her features, studying the curve of her eyes as well as her lips. Her hair fell over one shoulder and I remembered how soft it felt in my fingers. Her curves and her sweet mouth made me hard in my jeans, but I wanted her for so many more reasons.
A million reasons.
Her breathing picked up the longer our eyes locked. Her fingers fidgeted in her lap as the stare continued. Instead of looking away like she usually did she kept staring.
“Does this make you uncomfortable?”
Her lips parted slightly, showing her small teeth. “No.”
My arms scooped underneath her small frame, just as they would if I were going to pick her up.
Rose watched what I was doing, unsure what was going to happen next.
I moved to her to a laying position, having her lay down right beside me on the couch. My back was to the TV because I wasn’t going to watch it anyway. I grabbed the blanket hanging off the back of the couch and pulled it over our bodies. This was the most affection we’ve ever shared, but she seemed okay with it. My face was close to hers and I rested my arm around her waist, feeling the small indentions of her ribs. “Is this okay?”
Her voice cracked before she spoke. “Yes.”
I naturally wanted to grab her thigh and wrap it around my waist, but since she was wearing a dress that might spook her. I kept her body exactly where it was and entertained myself by looking her in the eye.
Her almond shaped eyes were hypnotizing and bold. They were greener than the lushest lawn in summer, and they were softer than the pedals of a rose. She was delicate like a snowflake but hard as steel. I loved everything about her, from the tip of her nose to the curve of her lips. She was a work of art, absent of any flaws. She couldn’t be any more perfect—for me.
Her breathing was still irregular, telling me she was nervous with our placement. It was the most affection we’d ever shared. We were laying together on the couch in an empty apartment. A kid’s movie was on in the background but neither one of us were paying attention to it.
I wanted to kiss her—badly.
But I knew she wasn’t ready for that. She needed to come out of her shell a little more. If I went for the kiss the first time we were together like this, she might avoid intimacy altogether. She liked me because she felt safe with me. There was no pressure to do anything.
So I had to keep making her feel safe.
“How have you been?” My hand moved to her lower back, feeling the prominent curve there. It was one of the attributes I found most sexy on a woman, and it didn’t surprise me that she had it. I wanted to run kisses along the area, moving down her ass to the sweet spot I desired most. The thought made me hard so I shook it away, not wanting her to feel the bulge in my jeans. Of all things, that would make her the most uncomfortable.
“Good. Just work and jogging.”
“And eating ice cream?” I teased.
“No, I’ve stayed strong. I walk right past it with my head held hi
gh.”
“You deserve a treat after running six miles.”
“But then I’m eating back all the calories I burned. Seems counterproductive.”
Like she needed to worry about calorie counting. “Anything else?”
“I got a new client. He wants me to build his office in Manhattan. It’s a big project and I’m excited to start.”
“Are you still working on mine?”
“Honestly, no. I guess I’m trying to drag it out as long as possible…” Her hand slowly moved across the couch until it rested in the center of my chest. Her fingers lightly rubbed the area, her eyes glued to her actions.
“You know I’ll still be here if and when you finish the project.” And I’d here long after that. Feeling her touch me like that sent shivers down my spine. It was the most affection I got from her, and it was sexy. It felt like more than just an innocent touch, that she was attracted to my size and build.
She wanted me.
“Yeah?” she whispered.
I nodded.
I wanted to kiss her so much it hurt. If it were any other woman I’d go for it, but I couldn’t afford to make a mistake with Rose. Her desires had to be unmistakably clear.
My fingers felt the fabric of her dress along her back, feeling the softness of the fabric. The scent of her perfume washed over me, light and fragrant. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if it was perfume she sprayed on her wrists, or her natural scent altogether. Hopefully, I’d find that answer one day.
As the minutes trickled by, she realized nothing more would come from our interaction. Her lips were safe at the moment, and that made the rest of her body relax. Her fingers moved softly over my chest and down to my stomach, feeling the grooves from my abs. Her eyes took in my entire body, particularly the features of my face. She was exploring me, going at a pace suitable to her.
I couldn’t even begin to understand what she went through. As a man, the thought of someone doing something to me against my will never crossed my mind. I walked the streets at night, never afraid someone would take my virtue. Maybe they’ll take my wallet, but that would be the worst of it. After what she went through it didn’t surprise me how closed off she was. Could she ever feel turned on again? When that was her last experience?
Maybe this was all she could handle.
“Kyle?” When she said my mine it sounded too sexy to ignore. She had a naturally beautiful voice, and it was hypnotizing and achingly warm.
“Sweetheart?” I usually called girls baby, but a different nickname emerged for Rose.
“Why haven’t you kissed me? Why haven’t you tried anything?”
The question surprised me. I couldn’t think of a single reason why she asked it. “It doesn’t seem like you want me to.”
“But how do you know that?” Her hand rested on my chest, directly over my heart.
“I just do.” My hand slid further up her back, feeling her body expand with every breath she took.
“That doesn’t bother you…?”
“Why would it?” My hand reached her long strands of brown hair, and I fingered it slightly.
“I don’t know…I’m not fast like the women you’re used to.”
She must be comparing herself to Cassandra, who would take me then and there if I asked her to. “I don’t want you to be fast. I want you to be you.”
“But it must disappoint you.” She searched my eyes for a lie.
“It doesn’t. I don’t expect anything, and I’ll gladly take anything you give me.”
Her eyes moved to my chest. “I don’t know what this is, Kyle. I wanted to stay away from you but I couldn’t. Now here I am…unable to get away.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“I’m not right for you. I can’t do relationships, and I can’t do commitments. I’m afraid I’m wasting your time.”
“You’re the only woman I want to be with. So you can never waste my time.” I wish she would just tell me what happened four years ago. I wish she would trust me to see her in the exact same light. What happened to her was a crime, but she didn’t need to be ashamed of it. “I like things the way they are and I don’t want them to change. So don’t think about where this may go or what’s in the past. Let’s just live in the moment—together.” I pulled her closer to me so our bodies were touching. I wanted to feel her chest press against mine every time she took a breath. I wanted to hear the quiet sighs that escaped her lips because I was close enough to catch them. I wanted more than this, everything she could possibly give me. But I’d settle for much less—because she was special.
Inevitable
Rose
Without realizing it, I’d fallen for Kyle.
When we weren’t together I missed him. When he didn’t call me I hoped he was just busy. When he held me on the couch and didn’t pressure me do anything, even kiss him, I felt indebted to him.
I’d never met a man like him.
Most men wanted to get laid on the first date. They were sweet and charming, but a physical relationship was essential for their needs. They pressured me into things I wasn’t ready for, and since it reminded me so much of that night I stopped trying altogether.
Then I met Kyle.
He was content holding my hand and nothing else. He didn’t make a move on me even when he had the right to. Two months had come and gone and he still didn’t kiss me.
Who had that kind of willpower?
He seemed too good to be true.
He was sensitive, caring, and he made me laugh. Which was a surprise because no one ever made me laugh. He was drop-dead gorgeous, having the looks of a model and the body of a soldier.
And he was interested in me.
How did that I get that lucky?
Sometimes I thought I could forget about the past and move on—with Kyle. If we took things slow we might be able to have the kind of sex I could enjoy. I may be able to push out all the memories of that terrible night and actually enjoy it.
Sex was something I loved once upon a time. I’d had long-term relationships and a few flings, and hitting the sheets was always fantastic. I enjoyed it just as much as men did.
But now I was drier than a desert.
My body hadn’t woken up from the drought in four years. Nothing excited me anymore, and when I did think about sex I remembered what happened to me. It was a vicious cycle, so I put sex out of my mind for good. I didn’t even masturbate.
But with Kyle I felt my body come to life.
Sometimes I fantasized about kissing him, feeling those thin lips against mine. Sometimes I wondered what he looked like shirtless, all muscle. Sometimes I wondered how his naked body would feel against mine. The vision lasted for a few minutes, beautiful and arousing. My body responded in a way it never did when I thought about sex. I became wet and turned on.
But is that how I would feel in real life?
If we became physical would I get scared and run?
Was it worth the chance?
Maybe I should just tell him what happened. He seemed caring and understanding. And he would finally know why I was so prude. He was dealing with a woman who experienced a serious trauma. He was basically walking into a mine field in the dark.
But I was scared.
He wouldn’t want me anymore.
He would think about the things that happened and become disgusted.
He’d never look at me the same.
Wasn’t it better just to keep it a secret? How would he ever find out anyway?
Or would that be deceitful?
Ugh, I couldn’t make up my mind.
Someone pounded on my door, shattering the internal debate I was having. “Rose, it’s me. Open the door.” Florence pounded on the wood again.
What was she doing here? I left the table where my sketching supplies were and opened the door. “Is everything okay?” She hardly dropped by my apartment. She usually texted me first.
“I talked to Will today.”
Who was Will again?
She walked inside without being invited. “He said Kyle told him you two were dating.” She crossed her arms over her chest and gave me the coldest look I’ve ever seen. “Is that true?”
Kyle thought we were dating? To me, we were just friends that spent time together. But when I reflected on the things we did together, cuddling on the couch and holding each other at the end of the night I realized that wasn’t true. “Yes.”
Now her eyes burned with fire. “What the hell, Rose? You told me you weren’t into him.”
“I said I would never date him.”
“Isn’t that the same damn thing? He was my guy. How could you take him away from me?”
Her cattiness and stubbornness never bothered me because it wasn’t directed at me. It was always aimed at the people outside our inner circle. But now that it was my problem I didn’t like it. “I didn’t take him away from you, Florence. We just had a connection and we got tired of fighting it.”
“But you knew how much I liked him. How could you do that as my friend?”
I kept my voice calm so she would stop screaming. “You only went out twice.”
“What does that matter? We kissed and I thought it would go somewhere.”
“But it’s not like he was your boyfriend and you broke up. I think you’re being unfair.”
“No, I’m not. You broke the girl code.”
“Look, I didn’t date him right off the bat. He kept pursuing me and he wouldn’t give up. This went on for weeks before I finally caved. When I got to know him better I ended up really liking him. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, Florence. I never meant to do that.”
“Does that mean you’re going to stop seeing him?”
She couldn’t be serious. “What would that solve?”
“How are we supposed to hang out and be friends when there’s an elephant in the room?”
By getting over it. “If I stop seeing him, he’s not going to see you.”
“But it’s still a strain on our relationship. What’s more important? A boyfriend or a friend?” She shifted her weight to one leg and venomously glared at me.
“Why does their have to be a decision at all? Florence, this is the first time I’ve ever been with a guy that I’ve actually liked. I don’t think about what happened when I’m with him. I think I can finally move on. Isn’t that the most important thing here?”
