JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

  A Chance Meeting of Wizarding Friends

  What else is there to do for two 20-somethings in a small English village when it’s raining, than visit the pub? So we ventured into one of Hampsteadshire’s pubs, aptly named ‘The Mouse and Custard Pot Inn’.

  Despite its interesting name the pub didn’t venture far from the atypical British pub. They served fish ‘n’ chips, a couple of pies and had a range of beers on tap. The decor was dark with wooden tables and a washed out carpet that really needed replacing. Its downsides and upsides still attracted thirsty locals, keen for a pint.

  There were a few people in the bar and some of them recognized us and nodded. I ordered a couple of pints of lager and sat down at a table with Jasper.

  “We can’t stay here forever, Jasper,” I said.

  “We have barely been here for a couple of days. Relax, we need to let things settle down,” said Jasper.

  “The wizards know where you live,” I said.

  “I know,” said Jasper.

  “I’m pretty sure they tried to kill us,” I said.

  “Really, Sean?” said Jasper. “They tried to Stupefy us, or at least the first guy did. That spell doesn’t kill anyone it just stuns them. Anyone who has seen a Potter film knows that, you don’t have to be an expert like you or I.”

  “Well, yes, but still. How do we know that the same rules of the Harry Potter world apply to the actual real world?” I said.

  “Good point,” said Jasper. “But the evidence that we’ve got so far is that JK used the words ‘lumos’ and that other wizard used ‘stupefy’. So it suggests that they are using spells from the Harry Potter books.”

  The conversation went on like this. I think I saw a few people listening into our conversation and smirking at our downright nerdiness. It was at the time that I popped up from the table to go and get a third round of lager, that I was tapped on the shoulder.

  I turned around to see a beautiful young woman. Her long brown hair flowed down to her shoulder, her blue eyes sparkled as she smiled magically at me. I was kind of in stunned shock at her beauty. She wore dark denim jeans and a wonderfully fitting long black coat.

  “Hello Sean,” said the woman. She knew my name?

  “Um, hello,” I said back shyly, as I held the two pints.

  “Do you not recognize me?” she said.

  “Uh, did we go to school together?” I said.

  “It’s me, Sean, Beryl,” said Beryl.

  “Beryl?” I said. “My god, how long has it been.” Beryl grinned.

  “I know, I know, I’ve changed a lot. Lost the glasses, skin cleared up and I’m much thinner now,” said Beryl. I could hardly believe my eyes, it was like a complete an utter magical transformation. Looking at her now, I could see it was Beryl, but she had changed so much and looked amazing!

  “Wow!” said Jasper bobbing up next to Beryl. “Beryl? Look at you! I would definitely shag you now.”

  “Um, hi Jasper,” said Beryl sounding a little repulsed. “The feeling’s not mutual.”

  “Er, let me get you a drink,” I said, feeling the energy in the air change with Jasper’s inappropriate comment. “What would you like?”

  “Okay,” said Beryl. “Just a prosecco.”

  “Perfect, one prosecco coming up,” I said and fumbled my way to the bar. I was feeling a little flustered at seeing my old friend. I mean, I had always held Beryl in high esteem and had really loved her as a friend, but never ‘that way’. In fact, as soon as she went off to uni to study, we pretty much lost touch entirely, but here she was. What an incredible coincidence.

  “So, yeah, after finishing my undergraduate I did my masters in Celtic history and mythology and then was accepted into a doctorate, which I’m still doing now,” said Beryl. We had been sat down for a while, after Jasper finished boasting and trying to impress Beryl. I basically sat there besotted by the stunning woman in front of me, I was fully entranced by her story.

  “So you’re studying your doctorate then?” I said.

  “Yeah, kind of, I’m taking a little break right now. I actually found an amazing mentor who is teaching me things about my field that are just fascinating to me,” said Beryl. My heart sank. A mentor? Taking a break? Sounds like a boyfriend.

  “In fact, I’m meeting him here at one of the tables at the back of the pub. He might be there waiting for me. Do you fancy meeting him?” said Beryl.

  “Um, not,” said Jasper. “Beryl, did I mention that I’m doing very-well for myself. Got my own business and apartment in London.”

  “Yes, you’ve mentioned it a few times,” said Beryl.

  “Did I mention the business was all based around Harry Potter, which you love?” said Jasper.

  “Yes, you did,” said Beryl.

  “Did I? Huh, well you might be also interested to know that I am planning to open a retail store about Harry Potter and I need a manager to help me run it and was wondering if you might be interested?” said Jasper.

  “What?” I said. “You only just offered me that job yesterday.”

  “Well that was before I saw how hot Beryl looked,” said Jasper.

  “Jasper, you can’t say that!” I said.

  “Say what?”

  “Openly express that you want to hire someone based purely on their looks,” I said. “You know Beryl has a Masters degree and is studying for her doctorate, she’s a highly intelligent person. It’d be okay if you offered her the job based purely on her intelligence. It’s just down right ignorant.”

  I looked at Beryl and saw that she was smiling at me. Was that a ‘I am attracted to you’ smile and ‘thank you for sticking up for me smile’, or was it a ‘I’m laughing at you’ smile and ‘you sound like an idiot’? Anyway, it felt good to be getting the smile.

  “Listen, I’m going to check to see if my friend is here,” said Beryl.

  “Friend? Not boyfriend, then?” said Jasper.

  “No, he’s my mentor,” said Beryl. “Look, Jasper, we’re old friends, and I’m letting a lot of your advances slide because of that, but Sean’s right, leave it out, because it’s not happening.”

  “Oh,” said Jasper.

  “Look, let’s start again. Would you like to meet my mentor?” said Beryl.

  “I’ll come,” I said, not wanting to let Beryl out of my sight, I got up and went to follow her as she began walking off.

  “Yeah, me too,” said Jasper, he then leant in close to me and whispered. “No boyfriend, we’re still in for a chance then.”

  “Look, just leave it out,” I whispered back. “This is Beryl we’re talking about.”

  “Yes, I know and I was always Ron and she was Hermione. Ron ended up with Hermione, Sean,” said Jasper.

  I ignored Jasper and then shuffled off after Beryl. The Mouse and Custard Pot had become a little busier now that it was getting on in the evening and more patrons had sat down to eat dinner. I followed Beryl through to the back of the pub where there was an archway that led to a room with a single table in it. A nice cozy nook of the pub. I could see that there were two people already sitting at the table and I followed Beryl into the area.

  As Jasper bumped into me, I looked up and gasped. Sat at the head of the table was the old Victorian-era looking wizard with the great-big white moustache and his scruffy companion he had called Darius. The old man quickly raised his wooden walking stick.

  “Colloportus,” said the wizard. Curtains then flew down and closed off the doorway to the rest of the pub.

  “Alohomora, alohomora,” said Jasper as he tried to wrench open the curtains that were clearly locked shut and trapped us.

  “Sit down, boy,” said the old-wizard, whose black cat jumped up on his lap. “You cannot cast spells without a magical object.”

  Jasper and I both looked at him in shock, frozen in fear. What was he going to do? I hope it would just be a memory charm.

  “Please don’t kill me,” I said feebly.

  “I said sit down!” said the old-wizar
d who whacked his walking stick on the table in frustration. “Are you sure about these two, Beryl?”

  “Yes, Master Algernon,” said Beryl. “Well at least I’m sure about Sean.”

  She shot me a nervous smile and a wink. What was going on?

  “Now boys, you made a video and I need to erase it and all contents of that video,” said the old wizard, Master Algernon.

  “It’s too late, I’ve already uploaded it to Youtube,” said Jasper.

  “Did you?” I said.

  “Yeah,” said Jasper giving me the ‘eye’. Dammit I was so useless at bluffing and probably just gave Jasper’s bluff away. I could see the old man smirking….he knew.

  “Okay, you’ve got me, but this is just one video. Okay, maybe it will cause a little stir and create some interest, but you and I both know that JK’s public relations people will just discount your claims and it will go away. Most people will think it’s just joke,” said Algernon.

  “Maybe, but with more and more evidence they won’t,” said Jasper.

  “You won’t get any more evidence,” said Algernon.

  “Oh no?” said Jasper. “What about this conversation right now?”

  “What about it?” said Algernon.

  “I’m streaming it live,” said Jasper holding up his smartphone.

  “Accio-phone!” screamed Darius who held out his curved plumbing pipe. The phone flew out of Jasper’s hand and then smacked Darius straight in the face and fell to the floor.

  “Ow!” said Darius.

  “For goodness sake, Darius,” said Algernon. “Get the damn phone.”

  Darius quickly picked it up and began pressing the phone turning off the stream.

  “Done,” said Darius who then flung the phone on the table and used his plumbing pipe to smash it.

  “Hey!” said Jasper, but Darius just snarled causing Jasper to retake his seat.

  “Look, boys, I’m actually here with a deal, thanks to your friend Beryl here, we were able to easily identify you,” said Algernon.

  “Beryl, you’re with them?” I said.

  “Yes, Sean,” said Beryl.

  “What are you a witch or something?” I said.

  “I prefer to be called a wizard actually,” said Beryl. “We’re gender-neutral in the magical world. We can go by any title we choose, wizard, witch, mage, magician, wiccan. We don’t like to be classed by our gender.”

  “So there is a magical world then?” I said.

  “Yes, obviously, Sean,” said Jasper, rolling his eyes.

  “Look, boys, I don’t want to come across all mafia-like here, but we have a problem and it needs to stop. But in return I’m going to give you the offer of a lifetime. In fact, the offer is much greater than what I want in return,” said Algernon.

  “Oh yeah, what is it?” said Jasper.

  “I want you to stop pursuing the truth about JK Rowling, in return myself, Darius and Beryl will teach you to be wizards,” said Algernon.

  “I’m intrigued,” said Jasper. “But what is the truth about JK Rowling?”

  “Okay, I will tell you,” said Algernon. “And I will tell you why I am giving you this offer, but believe me if you refuse this offer, it will be ensured that you will never find a way back into the magical world again.”

  “Fine,” I said. “I have nothing to lose and I am completely fascinated by this and in awe even more at seeing you Beryl, here, an actual wizard! I mean out of the three of us I really have not pursued my passion. You Jasper, wealthy for pursuing your Harry Potter passion and you Beryl a fully-fledged wizard.”

  “Well, not completely fully-fledged, but I’m getting there,” said Beryl.

  “You are a selling yourself short, Beryl. You are a talented wizard,” said Algernon. Beryl smiled.

  “Tell us then Master Algernon,” said Jasper. “What is the truth?”

  Algernon cleared his throat.

  “In return for this truth I want you to delete that video you made,” said Algernon.

  “Do we have a choice?” said Jasper.

  “No,” said Algernon. Jasper and I both realized that the three wizards in front of us were offering us something incredible, but they wanted to keep their magical powers secret. We could either get something from this or get nothing.

  “I agree,” I said.

  “Me too,” said Jasper. “Tell me the truth and I will delete the video.”

  “The truth is that JK Rowling is a wizard, or at least was. Although I guess she still is,” began Algernon.

  “Well, which one is it, was or is?” said Jasper.

  “Both,” said Algernon.

  “Both?” I said.

  “Yes, now if you wouldn’t mind, please don’t interrupt me and I will explain,” said Algernon. “You see, many years ago, there was an outstanding wizard called Joanne Rowling, none better on record since the great Merlin himself and I, was her teacher.

  I met her young and she took to the art of witchcraft and wizardry like no other pupil I had seen, soon overpassing my ability to teach her anything. She was a purist too, for the first time in recent recorded magical history she used a wand as her magical object.”

  “Her magical object?” I said.

  “Yes,” said Algernon. “All those who wish to pursue the art of magic must find their magical object. This object helps their magic come to life. It is always something special in their life that meant something dear to them. For me, it is my walking stick, it was my great-grandfather’s.”

  “For me,” said Darius. “It’s this blasted plumbing pipe. My dad was a plumber and he gave this to me as a present when I was a small boy. For some reason I loved it, but it’s not great as it isn’t accurate.”

  “And for me,” said Beryl, “it’s my first copy of ’Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone’. It was the first novel I ever read and inspired me to become a book worm.”

  I watched in amazement as Beryl pulled out a tattered copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Her first novel she ever read. I felt slightly emotional to see the copy as I had helped her read it. She gently flicked through the pages and then whispered something to them. Elegant silvery sparkles glided out of the pages and floated towards a wilted bouquet of flowers in a vase in the corner of the rooms. To my sheer astonishment I watched as the flowers absorbed the magic and grew to look fresh and new.

  “Wow,” I said.

  “Everyone has their magical object and you two gentlemen will need to figure out what is yours,” said Algernon. “But different to us three was Joanne’s. Forged and created by herself. Mahogany and walnut, with a phoenix feather. I, too, have tried this wand creation and Darius too, but we have not been able to replicate her wizardry.”

  “Fascinating,” said Jasper.

  “As I explained Joanne surpassed me and began living and breathing the magical world, creating new spells and potions. She wrote down pages of notes on her magical experiments,” said Algernon.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “It’s well known that JK Rowling wrote down pages of notes when putting together the Harry Potter series. Are you saying that the notes she wrote down were actually real magical incantations.”

  “Yes, now will you please stop interrupting me,” said Algernon, clearing his throat in frustration.

  “But wait,” I said, Algernon threw his arms in the air and rolled his eyes.

  “Patience, Master Algernon, I had many questions too,” said Beryl.

  “You’re right Beryl. Ask away.”

  “So is she still a wizard then or is she not?” I said.

  “Well that is up for debate. Although it really leans to not, you see during one of her experimental magical moments she accidently cast a memory charm on herself, forgetting that she was ever a witch,” said Algernon.

  “Very sad,” said Darius.

  “Yes, it was. I tried to revive her many times, but my powers, despite being great were simply not up to the standard of her ability and I could not find a reme
dy,” said Algernon.

  “But she woke up with all her notes,” said Jasper.

  “Exactly,” said Algernon.

  “And she used that to build upon and write the Harry Potter series,” I said.

  “She did,” said Algernon.

  “So is Hogwarts real?” I said. Algernon, Darius and Beryl burst out laughing.

  “No, young man, god no,” said Algernon. “Joanne didn’t suddenly come up with all this stuff after her magical accident, she had quite a vivid imagination before it too. The idea of Hogwarts was drafted before. As a teacher herself, she had a dream of opening a school for wizards and witches and actually started plotting out the plans.

  I did have my objections, though. I mean the government may protest about children being sent to a school that doesn’t teach any mathematics or literature.”

  “But wouldn’t they not need those subjects?” said Jasper. “I mean wouldn’t they just get jobs in the magical world as an auror or something?” More laughter ensured.

  “No, Joanne really does have quite the imagination,” said Algernon. “No, in fact there aren’t any magical jobs. I myself worked at the post office for 37 years and Darius here, well he’s a-”

  “Plumber?” I said.

  “No,” said Darius. “An accountant. It was my dad that was a plumber.”

  “And Beryl here, as you know, is a PHD candidate,” said Algernon.

  “So why have any of you learnt magic?” I said.

  “My dear boy, magic is not about money, it’s about the preservation of the craft. We pass it on in the age old tradition of Master and the apprentice. Joanne wanted to make magic mainstream by opening up a school and training more wizards and witches. But I always protested and wanted the craft to stay hidden from the public eye. If too many people knew, then this knowledge may fall into the wrong hands,” said Algernon.

  “You mean like a dark wizard?” I said.

  “Could be, my boy. You see there were the witch trials a few hundred years ago, and many, many people who practiced magic were massacred. But I have had a slight change of mind, maybe it is a new world. Joanne was on to something. She has inadvertently laid out the knowledge of becoming a wizard in her Harry Potter books. Despite losing her memory of being a witch, she remembered the knowledge and created some outstanding pieces of literature.