Nothing.
Fucking nothing.
Remy was scared. Even with the guitar cradled in his arms, nothing sounded right.
“Hey.”
Jed’s voice startled him so badly he almost dropped the guitar.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Remy looked at the empty sheet music spread all over Jed’s porch. “I can spare a second. What’s up?”
“I’m going to the store soon. Do you need anything?”
“Not that I can think of.” Remy felt wary and almost didn’t meet Jed’s eyes. He forced himself to look; it would be a cowardly move not to. But Remy regretted confiding in Jed about being bullied. He’d rather Jed see “Remy Sean, pop idol,” and see him as rich, spoiled, arrogant… and undamaged.
“My sister would have a huge list. She’s already texting me stuff to get for the wedding, and she has a wedding planner for that.”
“She just wants it to be perfect, I’d guess.”
“Probably,” Jed agreed. “But a wedding should be about the marriage, not the ceremony. And the day should be… special and happy, not pressured.” Jed shrugged. “But then again, what do I know? I’m a simple guy.”
“Would you want to? Have a partner? Marry?” Remy asked.
“At one point in my life, I did.” Jed smiled sadly. “How about you? Ever want to take a chance and marry?”
“Me? Fuck no.” Remy tried to laugh, but it came out too stiff. “I never gave it any thought,” Remy added hurriedly. “I’m way too young for that, man, and hookups are more my thing.”
“Makes sense.”
“Why does it make sense?”
“Don’t be offended. I just meant… I’m sure you’ve had all kinds of relationships. What kind of guy do you like?”
“The willing kind.”
Jed looked down at his boots. “Well, better head to town for those supplies.”
Jed was leaving. Remy’s stomach sank. He didn’t want to be alone. And if he were braver, he would admit to Jed that hookups weren’t relationships. Remy never really dated. Even with Nicky, they went right to bed. It had all the romance of a quick handshake.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do relationships. It was that he didn’t know how.
He’d always gone after life and love like it was a sprint. So fast he didn’t have to think. He could be an asshole. Date assholes. Life had always been loud, and now he had all this silence. He needed somebody to teach him how to be in it.
Remy swallowed hard. “Wait. Maybe I do want some supplies. Mind if I tag along?”
“All right,” Jed said, looking at him again. “What kind of supplies?”
“Well, not hair products,” Remy said with a grin. He packed the guitar into its case. He didn’t want to stay here and confront the wall of silence replacing the melodies that usually came to him. “I don’t know. Clothes? Yeah, clothes are a definite must. I can’t keep wearing yoga pants and T-shirts from Broadway musicals. And my sneakers are not as good as boots. Right. A few pairs of those. Oh! And maybe camping gear?”
“Slow down. I’m going to one store, one. Understand?”
“I got it. But I can do a lot with one store. Besides, I’ll do a little Amazon Prime shopping while we drive. We’re on this beautiful land. Maybe I could pitch a tent or whatever and sleep under the stars.”
“You could, but watch out for coyotes.”
“Very funny.” Remy joined Jed on the porch steps. He was aware of the close proximity of Jed’s bigger body.
“Who’s kidding? We got them. Even in the daytime, some cougars have even been here.”
“Now you’re trying to frighten me!”
“Hand to God. I was heading to the chicken coop one day and heard this horrific noise. One had gotten in.”
“What’d you do?”
“Froze. Thought about running for the shotgun. Luckily Hagrid was at my heels. He attacked it before it could attack me.”
“Hagrid?” Remy looked at Hagrid, who was at that moment lying in the grass and panting, his large pink tongue hanging out, his expression dopey.
“Yeah, he’s not a natural fighter, but he did it. He took on the cougar, and I ran for my rifle. You could say Hagrid saved me, and then I saved Hagrid. He had to go to Elliot’s, though, and spend the night.”
“That must have been awful.”
“It was. I slept in Elliot’s office.”
“The most Oscar’s ever done for me is meow when I oversleep.”
“Oscar’s doing a job, then.”
Remy frowned. “Wait a second. And this is the same chicken coop you have me alone in? What if a fucking cougar shows up when I’m there?”
“Relax, Hollywood. This isn’t a movie. That was a one in a million problem. They mostly are afraid to come anywhere near ranches. Besides, I’m here.”
It should have annoyed Remy—he wasn’t helpless. He could handle a lot of things. But he imagined Jed at his side, his warm fingers protecting Remy from some animal lurking in the woods. Jed would handle it. Then handle him…. Fuck. It wasn’t an unwelcome thought.
“I have an idea.”
“Oh?” Remy’s pulse pounded. He tried to communicate what he wanted. He looked at Jed’s mouth, then let his gaze sweep Jed’s body. Take me to bed? Handle me. Fuck me.
Jed was fishing his keys out of his pocket and missed it. “It isn’t camping, but it is related. I can get everything we need in town too. Come with me.”
I’d rather come for you, Remy wanted to say, but just when the blunt words were forming on the tip of his tongue, Jed strode off the porch and toward his truck.
“This better be good,” Remy mumbled, following him.
HAGRID ran way ahead of them, barking whenever Jed let out a whistle, and Oscar was at home, napping on Remy’s bed. The sun was fat and golden, about to lower out of view. The trees seemed to Remy to get taller with each step they took. Soon there would be no light. Jed had a backpack strapped on his shoulders, so Remy hoped his supplies included flashlights. They’d walked a little down a path at the rear of the house, but Remy wasn’t used to all the nature. It was amazing, for sure, but also… intimidating. When Jed abruptly stopped, Remy crashed right into him, and Jed spun around and steadied him with one hand.
“Okay?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Good. It’s not much farther.” He started to his left on what looked to Remy like an unmarked area off the trail they’d been following.
“Is this the part where you turn all serial killer on me?”
Jed laughed but kept on walking. What choice did Remy have but to follow? Besides, Jed had a nice laugh. He should laugh more often. He was way too stern.
Remy wondered what Jed might be like in bed. Rough? Tender? In between? In some ways, Remy had always liked anticipating better than actually fucking. Inevitably most hookups were letdowns. Well, at least Jed wouldn’t be taking selfies to show the world he’d slept with Remy Sean.
Stumbling over a twig, Remy lurched forward until he righted himself just before crashing into Jed a second time. Not that having an excuse to touch Jed would be unwelcome.
Jed had parted ways with him at the store, and he hadn’t told Remy what was in the grocery bag tucked under his arm. He wanted to surprise Remy. But Remy wasn’t sure he enjoyed surprises these days.
He followed Jed around a bend, feeling pretty pissed off at himself. He should have refused to come and forced himself to write a song.
He didn’t need this, whatever the hell this was, he needed to get his ass in gear and return to the career he was slowly destroying. He needed—
“This is it.” Jed pointed. “A little overgrown, since I haven’t trimmed it in a few months, but it’ll still work.”
“A fire pit?” Remy stared at the small fire pit and the old stone benches somebody had built around it. The area had been cleared of trees, a circle of dirt surrounded it on all sides, and beyond that was a small creek and then the overgr
own bushes Jed mentioned.
“How do you feel about a bonfire?” Jed asked.
“I love it! Is this your favorite spot at the ranch?”
“Not my favorite. That’s a good horse ride from here. But I do like the fire pit. It’s always a nice time with the family around.”
“What is your favorite spot? I’d like to see it.”
“Would you?”
“Sure.” Did no one give Jed the attention he deserved? Remy decided he would be happy to be the first. “So, what now? We unpack some s’mores or whatever? I can help with the fire.” Remy raised an awkward hand toward the pit.
“S’mores are for amateurs. I have more in mind. I’m about to make you the most fantastic dessert imaginable.”
“As long as it involves chocolate.”
“How could it not?”
Sometime later, Remy found himself sitting by a warm fire, with darkness all around them, except for the stars. He’d never seen stars so bright, and not the kind at the fucking MTV Awards. The real ones spread out in the night sky like a welcome hand against the black. Years ago, Remy would have failed to notice. He would have been too busy to look; he would have been chasing fame. A single star caught his attention. It was brighter than the others, a spotlight, but one that would shine long after Remy was gone.
Jed had all the fixings for his surprise dessert, which he claimed was the best part of a bonfire. They’d already eaten turkey sandwiches and drank a couple of beers, and now Remy felt a slight buzz moving lazily through him as he watched Jed take out chunks of ripe pineapple and chocolate.
“We’re going to grill them on sticks. Same idea as s’mores. You know how this works?”
“High School Heroes did a camping episode.”
Jed grunted. “Not the same.”
“What’s with all the fruit?” Remy asked as Jed assembled a pile of sticks at his feet. Hagrid took one to chew, and Jed shooed him away. “In my limited experience, fruit is not exciting.”
“Wrong. At least not in the Riley household. My sister hated marshmallows, so we skipped s’mores. She had this idea to grill fruit, which caramelizes it slightly, then melt the chocolate on top.”
“I think that I’d like your sister. But not as much as I like you,” Remy said, his voice low. He put his stick through a hunk of pineapple.
Jed didn’t answer, but Remy could have sworn he was blushing. Hard to tell in the firelight.
“So keep the pineapple in the flame for as long as you want. You decide how you want it. Lightly done or charred.”
“I didn’t realize there was so much consideration going into this dessert.” Fuck. What had he expected? That Jed would lower his guard with one compliment and let Remy in? It wasn’t that easy.
“Oh, there is. Believe me.”
“Hmmm…. How can I know which I like?”
“Try mine.” Jed took his pineapple away from the fire pit and blew on it a second. “It’s golden, but caramelized just enough to bring out the pineapple’s natural flavors…. My favorite way. Then we can let yours stay over the flame longer, and you can try it charred.”
“Is comparing really necessary?” Remy laughed.
“Absolutely.” Jed held out his stick, and Remy opened his mouth. He bit into the pineapple, the sugary taste on his tongue super sweet and the juices running down his mouth and his chin.
Remy made a noise of approval. “Fuck, that’s good. I think that’s what I like.” He looked up to see Jed staring at him.
“You still should compare the two,” Jed said. He held Remy’s stick with the pineapple and put it back over the fire. “Give it a moment.”
The fire crackled as they fell quiet. Remy tucked his hands between his legs. He wanted to reach out and grab Jed. Jed wouldn’t want that. Would he?
Taking the burnt pineapple off the flame, Jed held it out and blew on it.
Jed wasn’t impressed with Remy’s money or fame. The total opposite. And those were usually Remy’s best tricks to get somebody into bed.
Remy suddenly didn’t just want Jed to toss him on the ground and fuck him; he wanted Jed to wrap those strong arms around him. Okay… he did want Jed to toss him down and fuck him. But also… Remy was interested in spending more time with Jed like this.
“So why’re you suddenly being so nice to me?”
“I’m a nice guy.”
“Not when I first arrived.”
“Yeah, well….”
“Yeah, well,” Remy imitated, making his voice gruff like Jed’s.
“I, um, shouldn’t have been a jerk. Just because Buddy is your manager, it doesn’t excuse the way I greeted you. I’m sorry.”
Remy blinked. He was used to people excusing their actions, not taking responsibility for them. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Thanks.” Jed gave a reluctant grin.
“It’s not because you felt sorry for me? ’Cause I told you that story about Joanna? It was a long fucking time ago, and I’m fine.”
“No, I want to get to know you more.”
Having his doubts, Remy said nothing. He let it go. The night was too nice to spoil with questions. Remy took some burnt pineapple between his teeth. It had a stronger taste, not unpleasant, but not so much pure sweetness.
“Well?”
“I like them both.” He licked some pineapple juice off his right thumb.
“Fair enough. My sister would love you.”
“All women love me.” Remy shrugged.
Now it was Jed’s turn to give a derisive snort.
“What? I’m being factual. But it’s not me. It’s the songs. That’s what they love.”
“You sound like you miss it,” Jed said after a moment.
“What?”
“The songs.”
“I do. I haven’t been writing songs as much as touring the past few years. And when I have tried to write… it hasn’t been coming to me.”
“It will.”
“You say that as if it’s easy.”
“Do you love it?” Jed asked.
“More than love it. I need it. I need music in my life.”
“Then it will come back to you.”
Remy stared at Jed, seeing he was listening, really listening. When was the last time somebody had done that? But Jed was patiently waiting to see what more he had to say.
Remy inhaled sharply and then blurted, “My fans expect me to perform. I’ve been doing it since I was twelve.” Remy glanced at Jed, who wasn’t interrupting him. “I feel stuck. And at my last concert in Athens… it went pretty wrong.”
Jed took his hand, his fingers warm and gentle, and gave Remy’s a quick squeeze. “How?”
Remy wanted to tell him, but his throat was pinched. He shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Okay,” Jed said quietly. He sat with Remy, not pushing. The fire crackled. Remy exhaled a long breath and studied the flames.
“Try this with chocolate.”
He fixed Remy his dessert of grilled pineapple and melted dark chocolate, with fresh whipped cream on top.
Remy groaned. “You’re right. If there is a dessert on earth better, I sure as hell don’t know what it is. Thanks. For bringing me here….”
“Welcome.” Remy could see the curve of Jed’s lips in the firelight.
“Is this a date?” Remy teased with a wink.
Jed looked away. “This is us just getting to know each other.”
“I’m calling it a date. Fuck, I like being out here, and I like sharing this delicious concoction. Man, you could have been a chef.”
Jed shook his head. “No such thing as a bonfire chef.”
“You’d be the first, then. An original.”
“I’m just a rancher. That’s all I am.”
“Why do you keep doing that?” Remy asked.
“Doing what?”
“Dismissing yourself. I’m a simple guy. I’m a rancher. As if those things aren’t valuable, when they are. Don’t sell yourself short. You have a lo
t to offer the world. You made this whole night possible, and you were really kind about my songwriting thing a minute ago.”
“Anybody would do that—”
“No, they wouldn’t. People aren’t always kind. They’re assholes mostly. And I think you’re a lot more than you let on.”
Jed’s eyes met his. The soft expression suddenly made Remy uncomfortable before Jed looked away, a slight flush on his cheeks.
I want him.
God, how Remy did. He was drowning in all the want. He wanted Jed to pin him down, climb on top of him, and kiss him senseless.
Jed stood up and brushed off some dirt. “We should go back. It’s getting late.”
“Sure.” Remy couldn’t read him. Just a second ago, he had been sure that Jed was about to kiss him…. Fuck, maybe he was wrong. He was a mess these days. Was he only seeing what he wanted?
Silently Jed doused the fire. Occupying himself with the burnt sticks, Remy could smell the smoky scent of the fire and wood on his clothes, and something beyond that scent that was simply Jed. It was a smell Remy wanted to bury himself in.
But when they returned to the house, Jed abruptly disappeared into the study. He had seemed different, as if the fire pit had been magical, and now they were back to reality.
Did Remy need to deal with a hot-and-cold cowboy? He retreated to his own room and greeted Oscar, holding his cat to him. Oscar tolerated the hugging with a cat’s dignity. Then he gave Remy one tiny lick with his sandpaper tongue.
“Thanks, I needed that, Oscar. ’Cause I’m in purgatory here. I want him. I fucking like him. But he’s one second sweet, the next sour. So what the fuck is going on in his head? I can’t figure him out.”
Oscar just stared at him.
“Okay, I should have done more to test it. I’m outa practice. Don’t get judgy on me.”
He wanted to go after Jed. But without a script, words failed him. And Jed confused him.
The knock on his door made both Oscar and Remy jump. His big baby of a cat went for the safety of his bed, and Remy answered his door.
Rocking the Cowboy Page 7
