Jed must have taken a shower, because his hair looked slightly damp and it curled at the ends. Dressed in worn sweats, his tall frame filled the doorway.
Jed rubbed the back of his neck. “Just, um, want to say good night.”
“Yeah, good night. And hey, thanks for the bonfire. You made it fun.”
“Not too many people ever say I’m fun.”
“Maybe you’ve been hanging out with the wrong people.”
“Maybe.” Jed stared at him a moment. “So I was thinking, after I finish some work, do you want to go on a ride?”
“A ride? Like… on horses?”
“No, on my big fancy yacht. Yeah, on horses, dumbass.”
Strange how an insulting nickname made Remy go all warm inside.
“I’d like that.”
“Okay, then, tomorrow.” Jed gave a lopsided smile.
What was happening here? Bemused, Remy found himself smiling and nodding. It was only after Jed left that Remy realized he forgot to make a move.
Again.
Chapter Six
JED needed to figure Remy out for sure. Common sense told Jed to push him away, but other parts urged Jed to move forward. Remy had looked so forlorn sitting in the firelight. Whatever happened in Athens clearly tormented him. Jed needed to know what it was.
Ignoring Oscar and Hagrid, who were curled together like a cat-dog combination, Jed booted his computer. Remy was fixing lunch. They’d worked separately all morning and planned to ride soon. Three or four times, Jed almost stalked over to him and canceled.
He felt crazy to be contemplating taking Remy Sean, pop star, to bed. But Remy, the guy he was beginning to like? That Remy was the one Jed wanted. But they were one and the same.
Jed typed Remy’s name into YouTube. He didn’t expect so many results. Hell, he was naïve. Jed scrolled through endless fan videos about Remy and Nicky. Nicky was laughing and flirting with the camera, a knowing gleam in his eyes. And Remy seemed younger, even though not much time had passed. Nicky didn’t focus on Remy in the videos, but Remy had a trusting smile that Jed hadn’t seen too much of. Jed paused, a bitter taste in his mouth, at one where Nicky and Remy sang together and then kissed. Jed sang like a donkey. Not to mention this Nicky was so pretty.
Hot licks of jealousy swept through Jed at the thought of Nicky and Remy. He knew it was over months before Athens. The comment section was brutal about how Nicky had dumped Remy. And then Nicky had done some kind of cruel interview all about Remy’s flaws, and this was after Athens. What kind of punk spilled the secrets of a private relationship on television? Especially when his ex needed him the most to be loyal? An opportunist.
Just like Buddy. Buddy was due to come for the wedding next weekend, and Jed prayed for Melanie’s sake he showed. Since Remy, his meal ticket, was also here, there was a good chance Buddy would keep his word. Jed himself wasn’t a factor. He had never been able to relate much to Buddy, even as a kid. Jed had to work extra hard to get Buddy’s attention.
Jed always tried to lock away the hurt of that. Like the day Buddy left Jed’s graduation party to take a phone call, or the time he’d promised to come to the rodeo to see Jed and failed to show. Jed had hurried to the stands, searching for him, his buckle in his hand. But worse than when Buddy had missed his celebrations were the times he’d missed Jed’s losses. Where was Buddy when he was hurt from a mean bronco tossing him? Where was Buddy to even hear that his son was gay? That he was confused about loving men and could have used a man to tell him it was all right? Jed’s throat grew thick.
This pretty boy, Nicky, had done something similar to Remy. Jed forgot his jealousy. He wanted to punch Nicky instead. He moved to the tape of the Athens concert.
Remy’s fans had greeted him like royalty, and he started the set with one of his best-known songs. He swaggered as he played, moving his hips sensually as his fingers moved over his guitar; Remy owned the stage. Even when the set ended, the applause thunderous, Remy had still looked beyond human. Like some untouchable, gorgeous god as he glided across the stage.
Jed could barely breathe watching it. Then an icy fear struck him as he saw the part where the fence collapsed. Chaos came quickly. The venue in Athens looked older, and clearly no one was prepared for the rush of people to the stage. Remy held up a hand as the fans snaked around him. They tore at his hair, screaming, crying—grabbing him from all directions, until Remy sank to his knees, and Jed couldn’t see him. His band members were also being groped by the fans, but not like Remy. Security was pulling them off, but they kept charging back.
Fans began to take swings at the security, then at each other. It was beyond crazy. Security wrestled some young girls to the ground. The entire thing lasted maybe fifteen minutes, but it was intense as hell, the fans like a pack of young, crazed hyenas. And Remy stumbled to his feet, grimy and stunned, only to be flung down again.
Jed watched a second time before slowly shutting it off.
Jesus. He stood and went to find Remy. He understood why Remy couldn’t talk about it. It had been horrific to see, much less live through.
“Hey,” Jed greeted Remy a bit stiffly, entering the kitchen.
Remy was making a giant ham sandwich. He had lettuce, cheese, and ham out on the counter and was in the middle of slathering mayo on a piece of thick bread.
“Hey! You hungry? I’m always starving these days. Must be the country air. Or mucking all the stalls. We still riding later?”
“Yep. Count on it.”
“Look at those two!” Remy laughed, gesturing to Oscar and Hagrid, who’d followed Jed. The animals were sharing Hagrid’s dog food. “They are too fucking funny. We better watch out. They might become a bonded pair that can’t ever be separated.”
Remy was happy. Maybe Jed should leave the situation alone. Then Jed flashed on the images of Remy being tackled by fans and Remy staring into the firelight unable to speak.
Jed squirmed slightly. “Look… I need to tell you, well, I watched a video of you in Athens.”
“You…. Oh.” Remy went rigid.
“Yeah, after the bonfire, you looked so upset, and…. Sorry if that was wrong of me. Maybe I should have waited for a time you told me yourself. But—”
“No, I’m glad you did.” Remy took a deep, shaky breath. “I wanted to tell you then. But I’m a fucking coward.”
“Don’t say that.” Jed took a step closer. “Those people went crazy. The way they stormed the stage and grabbed at you.”
“They didn’t hurt me. They wanted to touch me. That’s all.” He gave a rueful smile, but it failed to reach his eyes.
“Come on. It must have been frightening as hell.”
“It was hard to breathe, so many people were on me at once, and it reminded me of being bullied, even though that was the last thing they were doing…. But the circling… it was that same feeling of being trapped. Like when I was a kid and bullied and they all surrounded me on the fucking playground. And the way they turned on each other?” He shuddered. “I wasn’t frightened for me as much as them. People ended up in the fucking hospital. Young kids. They’d been in the front row and….” His voice cracked. “Fuck! If I hadn’t frozen when they circled me like that. If I had spoken up before they started tearing each other apart. I—”
“It was a madhouse. I watched it. You couldn’t have stopped them.”
“I don’t know….” Remy closed his eyes.
“I do.” Jed longed to stroke his face. But Remy still held himself rigidly. Jed wasn’t sure he’d welcome a touch, not when he was reliving a mob touching him without permission.
“Ever since then, something’s wrong with me.” Remy opened his eyes but gazed at his sandwich, not at Jed. “I had a breakdown or something. I don’t know. Doctors said I was exhausted, and I felt numb.”
“Anybody would be upset.”
“Yeah, but I’m still a fucking mess. Buddy sent me here to get my shit together.”
“You’re not the only one to ever
need to lick his wounds in private. Hell, I’ve been doing it a lot longer than you. Maybe we can help each other.”
Remy was silent a second or two. When he finally answered, his voice was firmer than Jed expected.
“I think we can,” he said.
THAT afternoon Jed took some time to go riding with Remy. He imagined taking Remy to his favorite spot, just the two of them and the horses, maybe at sunset.
But Remy took one look at Butterscotch, Jed’s gentlest horse, and lost his enthusiasm. Instead of charging ahead the way he usually did, Remy hung back as Jed saddled Butterscotch. He worried his teeth over his bottom lip.
“You don’t want to ride?”
Remy hesitated. “I thought I wanted this, but that was before I noticed how high horses are from the ground. He’s huge.”
“He’s a big fella, true, but super sweet. You can do it.”
“Uh-huh.” Remy kept gnawing on his lip. Jed had to concentrate to stop picturing kissing Remy’s mouth. He wanted to suck on that lower lip, taste Remy’s tongue, and feel the heat of him.
“Never mind. This was a dumb idea. We can forget it. It’s not as if you need to learn to ride….”
Not as if Remy would be staying at the ranch in any permanent way. Jed scrubbed his hand over his face. He needed to put a halt on his imagination.
“I’ll try it.” Remy gingerly took a step toward Jed.
“Okay, I’ll guide you. The main thing is to release the fear you feel. I can sense it, and so can Butterscotch. Think about something else. Like…. What’s your favorite spot in the whole world?”
Remy would have no reason to know that for Jed it was a trick question. Made to take Remy’s mind off Butterscotch, but also to remind Jed how crazy his fantasies were becoming.
“A favorite spot? Hmmm…. I can tell you it’s not Los Angeles. I live there for the work, but I hate the sameness, the lack of seasons. And the traffic. It drove me nuts. Maybe if I’d lived someplace else, I’d have learned to ski. I played in a lot of cities full of snow, but we never did that.” Remy took a breath. “I wish I had a place, like you have. Or could just jump on Butterscotch here and ride like hell.”
“I wasn’t born on a horse. I had to practice to get good. I grew up riding. You didn’t.”
“But you love it.”
“Sure, if you love broken ribs, a shattered wrist, a shoulder with early arthritis, a nose broken twice.” Jed tapped the side of his nose. “I once rode this wild one, teeming with aggression, and I had him, all his energy focused on me, my will against his. It was exhilarating until I got hurt. Ranching is more slow and steady. Good horses, but not like that.”
“That does suck.” Remy laughed. “Tell me what was good about the rodeo? Buckle bunnies? Are the boys called that too?”
“Is sex all you think about?”
“Mostly.” Remy raised an eyebrow. “Why not?” When Jed only made a noncommittal noise, Remy changed his teasing tone. “Tell me more about the rodeo.”
Jed did so, discussing the various types of events, what each one required. He felt a burst of enthusiasm for the rodeo again.
As he talked, Jed moved Butterscotch into position for Remy to get on him.
Remy sucked in a breath. “He’s so big. And for once big doesn’t excite me.”
Jed ignored the joke, sensing Remy’s real fear underneath. Remy used humor and flirtation to hide. “You’re okay. I’m right here. Take your time, and I’ll wait.”
“Thanks, um, this is weird for me.”
“Riding? But—”
“No, you and me. Hanging out like this. I don’t usually do this—the getting to know each other part.”
“Oh. Yeah, me either.” Jed took off his hat and picked at the brim with his thumbnail. His cheeks flushed, and he wasn’t sure why.
“France,” Remy said. “My favorite spot. It’s in France, not Paris, although that’s amazing. Normandy. We played there once. I expected it to be just another stop. But we got delayed there, so I had time to wander. It was fucking incredible. The cliffs along the coast. They spoke to me.”
“France,” Jed repeated. He rocked away from Remy a little. “I can’t imagine…. You must miss it. The road. Traveling the world.”
“No, I don’t. None of it’s a home.”
“This is home for me. But it wasn’t for Buddy. He hated it. The cold weeks, the lack of culture. You’d probably go nuts here too, like him, in another month or two.”
Remy frowned. “Maybe.”
Jed jammed his hat back on his head. “I’ll take off Butterscotch’s saddle.”
“What? Why?” Remy protested.
“’Cause this isn’t happening….”
“Give me a second more. Don’t be so quick to decide that I can’t—hell, you’re quick to decide everything, aren’t you?” Remy glared at Jed, his lush mouth in a pout, his expression stormy. “But people are complicated, not always black and white…. He’s not all bad, you know, Buddy. And maybe if you guys talked like this….”
“People aren’t complicated. That’s what we say when we make bullshit excuses for them. People don’t change, and I can’t trust Buddy,” Jed said impassively. He looked off in the direction of his favorite trail and sighed. He wouldn’t be taking Remy there, not today, and probably not ever.
“Forget it.” Remy’s defiant tone deflated. “I’m hoping so hard to change myself that I want to believe it’s possible for everybody else to do it.”
Jed turned to face him. “What do you want to change? You’re good-looking and famous and talented—”
“And alone.”
Jed’s chest tightened at the change in Remy’s expression. He’d rather see Remy silly and flirtatious or fired up with feeling than see his fear.
When Remy didn’t say any more, Jed gritted his teeth. After so many years alone, sharing was hard for him, but he’d risk it to see Remy smile again.
“It’s not only Buddy that I don’t trust,” Jed said, averting his eyes. “I haven’t had many relationships. My sister was the wild one growing up, and I was the shy one. When I did finally get one, I couldn’t make it last.”
“Who was he?”
“Just a guy on the rodeo circuit. He rode better than me and was the rising star of the circuit, yet he seemed to want me around. I couldn’t figure out why. I was awkward and serious. Then he kissed me. Tom, that was his name, he made me think I was important to him. We had sex in his trailer a lot, but he wasn’t out, so we had to sneak around. We would lie in bed and make these plans…. I thought he cared for me like I did for him, but he wasn’t being honest about what he wanted.”
“What happened to him? Did he cheat on you?”
Jed rubbed Butterscotch’s flank and sighed. “No. But when push came to shove and I pressed him, he made it clear a future with me wasn’t in his plans. He wanted to be free of me. I wasn’t much fun in the end.”
“Doesn’t sound like he gave you a reason to be fun.”
“Well, after Tom, I figured it was best to depend on myself. Not others.”
Jed started to undo the saddle.
“Wait, Jed.” Remy gestured for him to stop. “Don’t undo it. I want to ride him.”
“Look, you have nothing to prove to me.”
“I know that. I’m fabulous as I am.”
“And so modest,” Jed scoffed.
Remy smiled. “It might sound like egotistical talk to you, cowboy, but in the music industry you have to own your confidence. And I own mine.” His smile faltered. “Or at least… I did.”
Jed wasn’t sure what Remy wanted. He normally wasn’t good at reading people, but there was something hot and desperate in Remy’s face. It made Jed want to slide his hands all over him and draw him closer. Protect him.
“Let me ride. Please, Jed? I’m ready.”
“Are you?” Jed wasn’t convinced.
“Well, I’m not going to say I’m not afraid. And yeah, I might fall on my ass, but I’m ready.”
/> Jed liked that about Remy. He was willing to put himself out there.
“All right, then.”
Remy’s look of triumph made Jed grin. Even when Remy confused the heck out of him, he wasn’t boring him. Remy was so lively all the time. A pistol, some would say, a firecracker. Jed had never realized how much he liked that. He wanted Remy underneath him and moaning. And afterward, when their skin was cooling and their bodies sated, he wanted Remy to fling himself into his arms.
Jed assisted him as he swung his leg, getting Remy seated on Butterscotch.
“Thanks for telling me that story.” Remy offered him a sweet glance.
“Sure,” he said. “We should try and understand each other.”
He brushed Remy’s thigh with his fingers. And although he was doing nothing beyond helping Remy get seated on the horse, it felt like more, like intimacy. Jed let his hand linger, giving Remy’s thigh a squeeze. Remy froze and sucked in breath.
Jed straightened with haste. “Okay, now you’re going to keep Butterscotch to a walk.”
“You’re letting me go?”
“I’ll walk beside you.”
“Oh. Um, I can do that.”
“Yeah, you can. Weren’t you just talking about owning your confidence?”
Remy straightened his shoulders. “Damn right.”
Jed quickly swallowed the ache inside of him to touch Remy some more, and he ignored the heat that shot through him when they’d touched. He focused on why they were here—teaching Remy to ride. Damn, Remy’s jeans were thin. Skinny jeans? Was that what they called them? Jed hadn’t expected to feel that warm, muscled skin right under the fabric.
He explained what to do in firm, calm instructions.
“Holy fuck!” Remy shot him a proud smile.
Remy guided Butterscotch as Jed gave more tips, but Remy didn’t really need it. He concentrated on Jed’s instructions, but his body was at ease, his eyes sparkling. Jed wanted to thank him for that sparkle, because when Remy eventually left and took the magic of these days with him, Jed would remember.
JED bolted upright in his bed. “What is that noise?”
Rocking the Cowboy Page 8
