The Art of Letting Go (The Uni Files)

by Bloom, Anna

  2.00 p.m.

  Buggerations! I have just woken up. I might go and attempt a snack.

  2.30 p.m.

  Cheerios, it is.

  2:45 p.m. Oooh! Grease is on the telly. I wonder if Meredith wants to watch it with me.

  4.00 p.m.

  Bollocks – No studying just singing instead.

  13th June

  I have awoken with a deep dark sense of foreboding in my stomach. I want to be sick before I have even opened my eyes. I lay with my eyes screwed shut, trying to think of what could be making me feel that way—apart from the obvious.

  Nothing comes to mind.

  Nope, nothing.

  Still nothing.

  Oh shit! It’s the first exam today!

  I sit bolt upright in bed then instantly feel Ben’s arm snake around my waist.

  “You just remembered the exam, didn’t you?” he murmurs into his pillow.

  “Oh God! I am going to fail,” I moan loudly. “I have to be the worst student this University has ever seen!”

  He chuckles and pulls me in for a Ben snuggle.

  Let’s be honest, no amount of snuggling is going to make the pain of sitting a two-hour exam go away, especially when it is an exam for which I have done no preparation.

  Later.

  Yep, I was right. No amount of snuggling was going to make any of that better. I am thinking that I should have made it to Asda that day back in August and got that application form. Clearly I am not cut out to be a student at all.

  I am just going to pop out for a quick drink to get over the shock of it all.

  14th June

  2.00 p.m.

  I can safely say that the first exam did not go well. Everyone else sat there writing furiously away, filling reams of paper. I sat there and could think of nothing to write at all. I managed a few sparse answers here and there, but nothing flowing or eloquent, or vaguely intellectual. To make matters even worse, instead of coming back and sensibly studying and trying to catch up, afterwards I ended up at Digby bar drinking wine instead.

  I really do need to try harder. Even Ben is trying harder than me and he is not even coming back next year. If I do not pass these exams then I won’t be coming back either, then what will I have achieved since starting University? Absolutely nothing. I came here to do something for me, and I am even failing at that.

  So I am at the library where I am actually going to do some serious last-minute studying. I am not leaving until I know the basics of everything that I should have learnt over the last term. That is a promise. I am scanning indexes and flipping through pages at a speed I would not have thought possible. There are Post-it notes everywhere.

  4.30 p.m.

  “Can I help, Delilah?”

  Ben is standing by my desk/cupboard watching my frantic searching.

  “I don’t know. Can you?” I reply, eyeing him suspiciously.

  “Well, unlike you, I have actually been listening in class. And fortunately for you, I am more than willing to share.”

  I do not know about this. Normally the presence of Ben equals the absence of study, but then I am pretty desperate.

  “Okay, then. What do I need to know?” I ask, budging over to make room for him.

  He settles in beside me and we spend three hours straight going through his notes and finding other reference books with which to expand our knowledge. Now if I had done this from the beginning of term instead of just stalking Ben, I would not be in this position right now.

  “Thank you,” I say, after a while.

  “You are most welcome, Lilah. I will miss this.”

  His blues are catching the late-afternoon sun.

  “So will I,” I whisper back. Then I shake off my melancholy. “Hey, at least in the exam I will be able to have a peep over at you and catch some clues.”

  He says nothing.

  “Ben, won’t I?”

  “Lilah, I am leaving that day so I am going to be taking the exam separately, on Friday. Normally they would not let me see anyone on campus afterwards, but because of Sound Box playing at the ball they are relaxing the rule.”

  I have not really heard all this. My brain shut down at the bit when he said he would not be there at the last exam.

  “I can’t believe you won’t be there.”

  “I know,” he says.

  That is all he has to say.

  We sit and finish up our work, and I try very hard not to concentrate on the final countdown.

  15th June

  I am thinking about my book. It is important that I get the blue just right so that everyone reading it will know exactly what I am trying to describe.

  I am scared that I am going to forget. I won’t, will I?

  Surely it is not possible to forget that shade of perfection. I don’t know. Then I remember my ring and the pendant nestled at the base of my throat and I know I will not forget, not until I have to pass them on myself and, maybe then I will not have my daily reminders anymore. I will just have to sit outside on a sunny day and wait for the sky to change to the colour that I most want to see.

  2.47 p.m.

  “Lilah, quick, quick! Come outside!”

  Ben is grinning at me like crazy and pulling my hand.

  “What on earth are you doing?”

  “You’ll see. Hurry up!”

  We run down the stairs and get to the doors and push through. Outside, I realise what he is excited about. It is a perfect summer storm: the rain is slashing down in sheets. The temperature is warm and muggy, even the rain is tepid.

  Ben pulls me toward the lawns and the pond.

  “I was so hoping this would happen before I left,” he shouts through the loud din of the rain hitting the pond.

  We are drenched through. My feet are sliding in my flip-flops and we are giggling like school children as we get to my tree. At the tree, he pushes me against the bark. The rain slides over our faces as his mouth comes down on mine. Our clothes are soaked and cling to us as we push ourselves closer and closer together.

  I wonder just how many romantic moments we can have. In such a short space of time we have had a fair few.

  This is a good one.

  He lifts me up and I meld my legs around him, my hands clutching his soaking hair. We are completely hidden by the summer leaves and his hand runs under my clingy T-shirt, sliding over my bra, creeping around the back to unclasp the hook.

  “Benjamin!” I exclaim, albeit a little hoarsely.

  “What?” he asks, but he is smiling against my lips, hands still determined.

  “I still have to come to this campus next year. I don’t want to be known as the girl who shagged by the pond.”

  He lifts his face away a little. “Okay, Lilah, but I do think we should get you home and out of these soaking clothes before you get sick again.”

  Again . . .

  Ben does not know I still spend most of my time feeling so anxious that I gag constantly, a rolling worry of nausea washing over me in waves every time I think of what the next couple of weeks have in store for me.

  “I think that is a very wise idea, Mr. Chambers,” I reply, kissing him some more. I love the rain on his face. I kiss it off his lips as it slides along. “I don’t think I can walk in these dangerous flip-flops, though. You’ll have to carry me.”

  He laughs as he carries me all the way across a very wet campus, me with my legs clamped around his waist.

  16th June

  More study. I am determined to pass the exam on Monday. Meredith is also cramming. We have given up talking in person. We know we will get distracted and it will be another wasted afternoon like the Grease one.

  We text instead, and occasionally bump into each other
in the kitchen. Even Tristan has been told to stay away, which I think is hilarious. Tristan, not so much.

  Ben and I are still studying together all the time, but it is just getting quieter and quieter between us. Not in a bad way, but what do you talk about with someone when you know they are going to be gone in a few days? It's not like you can say, "Darling, can you remember to get some bacon the next time you go shopping?" or "Shall we go to the pub Saturday afternoon and read the papers?" There is a certain limit on safe conversation right now, so we just communicate without words instead.

  17th June

  That exam went much better. That is how they are supposed to be. A fifty-fifty toss-up between what you actually know and what you can bluff.

  I reckon that was a success. I rewarded Ben for his hard work and determination to make me study with a huge snog as we walked away from the exam desks.

  Judging from the look we got from the adjudicator that is not the way you are supposed to leave the examination hall.

  18th June

  I think it is time to have my journal review and look back on all the things I have achieved since starting at Uni.

  I, Lilah McCannon, came to University to escape a boring life that I hated.

  I have fallen in love with the boy next door.

  I have had an on-the-side relationship with the boy next door.

  I have ended an on-the-side relationship with the boy next door.

  I have run away home and then come back again.

  I have started a second relationship with the boy next door.

  I have ended the second relationship with the boy next door.

  I have become a demented jogging person.

  I have drunk more vodka and wine than someone should consume in an entire lifetime.

  I have thought I was pregnant.

  I have known I was not pregnant.

  I have made up with my mum, dad, and brother (which is a very good thing).

  I have started a third relationship with the boy next door.

  I have completed one week of dedicated studying out of the thirty-two weeks of the academic year.

  I have a found job.

  I have found an amazing new home, which, unfortunately, I will not be sharing with the love of my life.

  I will soon be ending a relationship with the boy next door.

  I am not sure how I feel about any of this. What have I achieved this year?

  Progress with Mum, Dad, and Tristan. That is really good. Will it last after Ben leaves and I stop being normal? I don’t know. I hope it does.

  19th June

  “Dharling, do you want me to pick you up on Monday afternoon?”

  “Why would I want that?”

  “Well, you know.”

  “What?”

  “You know, with Benjamin leaving. I thought you might want to come home and have some time away.”

  Wow, Mum and I really have come on a long way. I have not even lit a cigarette whilst talking to her.

  “It’s okay, Mum. Thank you, but I will be fine.”

  I shall be pissed and crying in a ditch somewhere.

  “Okay, Dharling. Ring me if you need me,” she says, sounding unconvinced.

  “Um, okay, Mum.”

  Goodness me. Maybe I really have achieved something this past year. Everyone thinks I am so pathetic they are all ready to save me at any given point.

  I am not pathetic.

  I can do this.

  I can do this.

  20th June

  “Ben.” I kiss along his jaw to wake him up.

  “Mmm?”

  “Do you think I should move my stuff back into my room today so we can have some space?”

  Instantly, his arms are around me. “Do not say that. Ever. I am having every minute with you.”

  I chuckle and kiss his lips.

  “Calm down. It was only a suggestion.”

  “Could you not make crazy suggestions at silly o'clock in the morning?”

  I don’t need to say I will try. It doesn’t matter since there are only two mornings left.

  “Okay, but I have to get ready for the ball by myself. My outfit is a surprise.”

  “Okay, Lilah. You have woken me up now. What do you suggest we do to pass time until my exam?”

  “Hold on, I have our revision notes here,” I say, making a play for some paper.

  He catches my arm and holds me down on the bed. “Don’t you even dare, Delilah.”

  I just grin at him and soak it up for all it is worth.

  Later.

  Without him seeing, I start to gather my stuff. There is more than I moved in with three months ago. I just know in my heart of hearts that it will be even more painful if I have to move everything on Sunday after the ball. Better that I do it now so I can walk out with my head held high Sunday morning.

  End on the high that I always wanted for us.

  I think maybe I have grown up over the last year. I am able to let go of this one thing that I want more than anything else, for the greater good. For his greater good.

  At least I think this until Taylor starts singing, "Breathe."

  Dinner.

  We have just eaten the last meal he will cook for me: Spaghetti Bolognese. Funny bugger.

  We sat on the floor and drank our wine and I asked him to play every song he has ever sung for me. He then asks me to choose which one is my favourite. It is a tough call, but in the end I have to say "Hey There, Delilah." I used to hate that song, but he has made me love it and believe it to be mine. Every time I hear it, forever more, I will remember our first date and just how much I truly loved him.

  22nd June

  7.30 p.m.

  It has been nine months and 4 days since I first stood here getting ready for a University Ball.

  That night, as I had been applying my gold sparkly makeup and white dress, I could never have imagined how much things would change. How within a short couple of hours I would meet someone who would transform my life, would transform me, would make me feel emotions both good and bad that I never would have believed I was capable of experiencing.

  Here I am again, getting ready to go to another Ball, but this time I am not excited with nerves and anticipation. Instead, my heart feels like it is struggling to beat. I look at the gown that took me ages to find. I trailed every dress shop I could think of trying to find the perfect one. At last I did. A floor-length, silk dress the colour of cornflowers, the colour of the sky at midday, and the colour of Ben’s eyes. My little farewell gesture.

  He is knocking on the door.

  I can do this, can’t I? I am sure I can.

  Deep breath.

  Midnight.

  I did it. I did it. I may be broken forever, but I survived the Leaver’s Ball. I have survived our goodbye.

  Summer Ball

  “Hey.”

  The blues appraise me. I got the colour spot on. His cheeks flush a little as he looks me over.

  “Hey, handsome.”

  He looks amazing, decked out all in black, making his pale skin and the dazzling blues stand out in contrast.

  “You ready?”

  He holds his arm out and I link mine through.

  I will never be ready. I will never be ready for our long goodbye.

  I allow him to lead me through the door as we stroll into the late evening dusk.

  When we get to Froebel, everyone is already there. Meredith is in the most amazing pale-green chiffon dress. Jayne looks awesome in a figure-hugging black number and Beth is wearing her shit-kicker boots and a 50s style tea-dress. I laugh and give her a wave. Tristan has his arm firmly clamped around Meredith’s waist. He gives me his t
raditional eyebrow raise.

  “Blue suits you, sis.”

  I flush scarlet, which I am pretty sure clashes.

  Ben kisses under my ear.

  The little voice in my head says, Curse you, you fool! This all could have been yours! But I ignore it and let Ben pull me onto the dance floor where we effectively just stand hugging regardless of the music’s tempo. For the longest time we just stand there like a living statue for others to dance around until he finally eases away and looks me in the eyes.

  “I’ve got to go and join the others,” he whispers.

  “I know.”

  I can see them setting up on stage, glancing around for him.

  Sound Box are about to play their second and last University gig, part of Ben’s bribery to get into Halls of Residence, the bribery that put him in the room next to mine. An unexpected twist of fate.

  I watch as he bro-hugs his friends and picks up his Gibson. He gives me a wink as he strums his fingers over the strings. My stomach does a spectacular somersault and my left leg starts its Elvis wobble.

  Tristan comes up and slides his arm around my waist. I am not sure if he is being comforting or if he is actually there to hold me up, nevertheless I lean into him and take something from the comfort he provides. Beth and Jayne are prancing about grinning like crazy and cheering Ben’s name as loud as they can and Meredith is performing her demented chimpanzee twirl.

  Sound Box rock, again. I watch them with this immense feeling of pride but also with relief. I have never been surer than I am this moment that I have made the right decision.

  At the end of the set, I can see his eyes scanning the crowd for me. I know that in a few short minutes he will be back standing there with his arms around me, and that will be it. It will be over.

  To my complete surprise, Ben leans into his microphone and gives a grin, his wicked one, the one that I first saw.

  “Somebody once told me that she felt she was living her life to a Taylor Swift soundtrack.”

  There is a loud roar from the crowd and everyone starts looking around at each other. Meredith grins at me. It makes me worried.