Baby Blue

by Julia Green

  ‘More potatoes?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You’ve hardly eaten anything, Mia.’

  ‘Not hungry.’

  ‘You have to eat, love, when you’re feeding a baby. You’ll wear yourself out. Then you won’t have enough milk for him.’

  ‘I know all that. Stop going on at me.’

  Mum sighed. She turned to Dad. ‘Lovely lunch, David. I really enjoyed being cooked for. Thanks.’

  ‘Doesn’t Bryan cook, then?’ Mia smirked.

  ‘Are you being deliberately difficult, Mia?’ Mum’s voice was pinched with the effort of holding on to her temper.

  ‘You know me! I was born like it.’

  ‘Just stop it, you two!You’re spoiling my meal.’

  ‘Sorry for breathing. I’ll leave you to it, then.’

  ‘Mia! We haven’t finished. There’s pudding still to come. Sit back down!’

  ‘Not hungry. I told you. I’m going to make the most of Kai sleeping.’

  Mia saw her parents exchange glances.

  Dad spoke. ‘OK. You can have pudding later. Blackberry crumble.’

  Mia left the door ajar, so she could hear their voices from the sitting room, where she was sprawled on the sofa. Mum’s voice was clipped with irritation.

  ‘It’s impossible to help her. She’s so stubborn. And spiky. Rude.’

  ‘She’s sixteen, Alice. Remember?’

  ‘How on earth is she going to manage? She’s much too immature for this huge responsibility. We should never have let it get this far.’

  ‘We? I don’t recall there was much of an option. She made her own decision. Eventually. Anyway, it’s too late for saying this now, Alice. We’ve just got to get on with it. She’s doing well, really. If you think about it. She’s looking after Kai. Feeding and nappies and everything.’

  ‘Well, it’s just a novelty at the moment. What happens when she gets tired of it? Because she will. She’s never been able to stick at things. Not as a little girl. Not now.’

  ‘It’s not like playing a musical instrument or something. This is a relationship.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘What do you mean by that?’

  ‘Well, she’s hardly made a success of those, has she?’

  ‘That’s pretty unfair. Look who’s talking.’

  ‘David! How dare you!’

  ‘Well. Leave off Mia. She’s got enough on her plate.’

  ‘I’m just worried about her. And that baby. Their future.’

  ‘Well, don’t. ‘We’re managing. Quite well, thank you very much.’

  Mia listened while her parents tried to steer their way out of the argument. They always ended up like this. Still getting at each other, after all these years. But at least Dad had stood up for her. She was doing OK. So was he. She thought, guiltily, of her anger with Kai that morning. The baby sling she’d left lying on the beach. It was only a moment, though, wasn’t it? She had fed him, eventually, and kept him warm, and now he was sleeping deeply, none the worse for his morning.

  She went over to the basket and peeped in. His mouth quivered as he slept, and one fist opened and closed. Do babies dream? Perhaps he was dreaming now.

  Two presents were stacked on the floor near the French windows. Mia picked up the large one. She tore the paper a bit, to see what was inside. Disposable nappies. She read the label. Mum had written: Hope these help. I’ve arranged a regular supply to be delivered. Not good for the planet, I know. Still, they do make life easier.

  The other parcel was small, hard. It, too, was addressed to Mia, so she opened it, even though she knew she should have waited till Mum actually gave it to her.

  Brilliant! A mobile phone!

  She must have been the only person in the entire universe who didn’t already have one.

  Mia looked up as Mum came into the room. ‘Thanks. It’s great.’

  ‘I thought it would come in handy. When you leave the baby with people, you know, and want to check in and see he’s all right. That sort of thing. Or if Dad needs to get in touch. When you’re out and about more.’

  Mia’s face fell. She’d been imagining long conversations with Becky, or Tasha, or – well – stupid though it seemed, even with Will. That was why you needed a mobile. Not for babysitting.

  ‘I know David doesn’t really approve, but you’re sixteen now. And I know how useful mine is.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Sorry about the arguing. We just don’t seem able to get out of the habit. However, let’s not spoil the rest of the day. I don’t suppose you want a walk now, do you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I wanted to go up the fields, you know? To the old barn. Where we used to go when you were small. Where the swallows nest.’

  ‘House martins.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘House martins, not swallows.’

  ‘Well, whatever. Shall I take Kai when he wakes up?’

  ‘If you want.’

  ‘You’ll have to show me how to unfold the buggy. I saw it in the hall. It looks complicated. Where did that come from?’

  ‘Becky’s mother. Second-hand. Horrible colour.’

  ‘Well, that doesn’t matter, does it?’

  ‘Yes, it does. I don’t want him to have horrible things. Cast-offs. I want him to have new stuff.’

  Mum sighed again, one of her deep, exasperated sighs. But she didn’t speak, that was one good thing. She stopped herself just in time.

  Dad went with Alice for the walk. Pushing Kai, who looked too little in the buggy, even though they’d made it flat so he could lie down properly, like in a proper pram. Mia watched them leave the garden from her bedroom window.

  From here, they looked like ordinary grandparents. Could even be the parents themselves, with their own late-born baby. People their age did have babies, sometimes.

  She opened the instructions for the mobile and started to work out how to programme in the numbers of all her friends.

  She tried Becky first. No answer. Tasha next.

  ‘Mia! How are you?’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘What’re you doing?’

  ‘Nothing much.’

  ‘How’s the baby? Becky told us his name. Sweet!’

  ‘Kai’s fine. My dad and mum have just taken him out.’

  ‘Why don’t you come over, then? Becky’s here. Siobhan’s probably coming later.’

  ‘Can’t. There are no buses on Sundays. Anyway, I won’t be able to leave Kai that long.’

  ‘Bring him with you, then. Get your dad to give you a lift.’

  Mia snorted. ‘Him? As if! Anyway, my mum’s visiting us. I suppose she might drop me off when she goes. On her way back to Bristol.’

  ‘Great.’

  ‘I’m on my new mobile. Present from Mum.’

  ‘About time. Join the rest of the human race. I thought your dad wouldn’t let you?’

  ‘He didn’t know.’

  ‘See you later, then. Give us a ring to say what time. It’s a bit of a muddle here, but you won’t mind, will you? The kids are over for the day.’

  In the background Mia could hear Becky’s voice call out, ‘Hi, Mia.’ She wasn’t angry, then. Good.

  ‘See ya!’ Just before Tasha pressed the phone off, Mia heard laughter, a babble of voices.

  Now she had something to look forward to. One good thing out of the day, at least. Tasha’s home was crowded and noisy and welcoming. So long as Ali wasn’t there. Tash hadn’t mentioned her.

  She and Kai could have a lift back with Becky. Better think about what to take with her. Nappies and stuff. She’d find that changing bag someone from Dad’s school had given her and put all the stuff in that. And a change of clothes, in case he did one of those enormous yellow poos that squirted out of the sides of the nappy. Disgusting.

  She spent ages deciding what to wear. Nothing seemed quite right. Too tight round her waist. Baggy jeans and a sweatshirt would have to do. She’d have to ask Dad for some money and get so
me new things. They hadn’t had a proper talk about money for ages.

  Downstairs in the kitchen, Mia eyed the dish of blackberry crumble on the table. She was starving. Hadn’t wanted meat and vegetables at lunch time. She spooned herself a large helping into her favourite blue pudding bowl and took it out into the garden to eat.

  It was just like the old days. Just her. Pity Will couldn’t see her now, like this. He’d soon realize his mistake with Ali. Probably had already.

  She thought about Kai, asleep in the ghastly maroon buggy, oblivious to the significance of the walk with his grandparents up to the barn. It hadn’t escaped her, though. It was the walk Mia always wanted to do with Dad after Mum left them when Mia was so little. She’d associated it with her mother; something to do with those birds who came back each year to the same nesting sites. All the way from North Africa, across the sea even, to the place where they’d been born. She’d not understood then, at six, that her mother would not be coming back to live with them at their house. Not ever.

  She heard the sound of their feet, almost running, before she saw them. Mia stood up, alarmed. There was Kai, red-faced, bawling against Dad’s damp shoulder. Mum followed behind, almost as red-faced, pushing the empty buggy.

  ‘He didn’t like the bumpy ground. I think he must be hungry. He woke up when we started going over the field. Sorry, Mia.’

  Dad handed over the crying baby. His squirming body felt unfamiliar, as if that small oasis of time alone had changed her.

  ‘I’d forgotten,’ Mum was saying, although Mia was hardly listening, too intent on trying to get Kai latched on the right way. He was desperate, gulping in too much air. ‘They won’t be comforted by anyone but their mother at that age, will they? That’s why it’s so exhausting!’ Mum sank back on to a chair as if she were the exhausted one. She looked almost ready to cry.

  ‘I’ll make us all some tea.’ Dad disappeared into the kitchen.

  Mia seized her moment.

  ‘Can I have a lift to Ashton when you go? To Tasha’s?’

  Mum still looked dazed. ‘Well, yes, I guess so – with Kai, you mean?’

  Mia gave her a withering look. ‘Of course. I can hardly leave him behind, can I?’

  ‘But how will you get back?’

  ‘Becky’s mum will be picking her up. I can get a lift.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘So, when are you leaving?’

  ‘Five-ish. It’s a long drive back. I’ve got work tomorrow.’

  Mum looked hurt. Mia didn’t care. Why should she pretend? She’d got nothing to say to her mother. It was all very well her turning up to visit, bringing presents and everything, but she’d never make up for what she’d done all those years ago. How could she think it would ever be all right again?

  Mia scooped Kai up and turned him round. She felt how his tensed-up little body had gone soft now, relaxed and warm against her skin. How much he needed her. Such a strange feeling, that it had to be her.

  ‘Cup of tea?’ Dad put the mug down on the side table where Mia could reach it.

  ‘Mum’s giving me a lift to Tasha’s later.’

  ‘What? You’re not going out again. For heaven’s sake, Mia.’ He looked despairingly at Alice. ‘It’s been a long day already. She was up at the crack of dawn.’

  ‘I’ve got to have some sort of life,’ Mia snapped. ‘Got to see my friends sometime.’

  ‘Yes, but – Kai?’

  ‘He’ll be OK. As long as he can feed and stuff. I’ve packed a bag with everything.’ There was no way she was going to let him stop her.

  Mum gave Dad one of those looks. Let it go, it said. Don’t let’s start arguing again.

  When they left, just before five, Dad watched from the gate without waving.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Mum drove in silence for a while. Mia sat in the back with Kai strapped into his special baby seat. Brand new – another present from Mum. It had a handle so you could lift the whole thing out and use it like a cradle to carry him around.

  Every so often, she saw Mum check her out in the rear-view mirror.

  ‘He’s calmed down now.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Perhaps he likes the car. Babies often do.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I didn’t have one, when you were small.’

  Mum waited for a lorry at the junction with the main road.

  ‘So. How are you feeling? Really.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘Do you think you’re going to manage all this?’

  Mia didn’t bother to answer.

  ‘We need to sort out money. Has David mentioned it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘There are benefits and things you are entitled to. You’ll have to find out. Apply.’

  ‘Dad used to give me my child allowance.’

  ‘But I don’t think he’ll get that any more for you. Now you’re sixteen. You have to be in education full-time.’

  Mia looked out of the window. Mum’s voice droned on and on.

  ‘… so Bryan and I discussed it again, but I really don’t think it’s the answer. It’s a very small room –’

  ‘Shut up about it, Mum. We already decided, didn’t we? It wouldn’t work. I don’t want to live in Bristol, anyway.’

  ‘But your father may be needing his space too, Mia. He told me about Julie.’

  ‘What about her?’

  ‘He sounded quite – well, serious about her. What’s she like?’

  ‘She’s a teacher, isn’t she?’

  ‘How old is she?’

  ‘How do I know? Youngish.’

  ‘What – twenties? Thirties?’

  ‘I dunno. Twenty-five or something.’

  Mum’s lips went into a tight line. ‘Pretty?’

  Mia shrugged. ‘A bit tarty, actually. Loads of make-up, short skirts, heels. You know? You’re not jealous?’ She laughed, cruel.

  ‘No, of course not. Just – well – curious.’

  How sad could you get?

  They were on the outskirts of Ashton now, not far from the school.

  ‘Do you miss it?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The school.’

  Mia looked out at the flat-roofed buildings, the vacant windows. The flowering cherry trees that bordered the drive were almost over, heaps of browning petals littering the path.

  ‘No way. I hated it. You know I did. I’m not like Laura and Kate.’

  ‘I know. But it might be easier than – well – what you’re doing now. Looking after a baby twenty-four hours a day. Don’t you miss your friends?’

  ‘Of course I do. But that’s all.’

  ‘You might change your mind later. When you’ve been doing this for a few months. Years.’

  They’d arrived in Tasha’s street now, a line of terraced brick houses with small front gardens.

  ‘Which one’s Tasha’s?’ Mum asked.

  ‘Number thirty-two. With the blue door. And all the junk in the garden.’

  ‘There you are, then. Let me get your bag for you.’

  ‘It’s OK. I can manage.’

  She didn’t want Mum coming into Tasha’s house. She didn’t want to see the disapproval register on Mum’s face. She’d hate the mess, turn up her nose at the muddle of shoes and coats and bags dumped in the hall, the background babble of a television permanently on in the living room. Mum would completely miss the important things about Tasha’s house: how you could just sit about and relax there, didn’t have to be doing stuff all the time, didn’t have to answer questions.

  ‘OK, then. Bye.’ Mum gave Kai a kiss on the head and rubbed Mia’s shoulder. ‘Good luck. Phone me if you need anything. Money, whatever.’

  ‘I need some money now, actually. Haven’t brought any.’

  ‘Mia! You are the limit!Supposing you’d needed something for the baby. Or a taxi to get back. Anything might happen. You have got to start acting more responsibly now!’

  Alice fumbled in her bag and fished out her pur
se. ‘Here you are. Twenty pounds cash, and if you can wait a minute I’ll write you a cheque, for later.’

  Mia watched, open-mouthed, as Mum wrote out a cheque for a hundred and fifty pounds.

  ‘There. Get some new clothes for yourself. Yes? And promise me you’ll take money with you when you go out, always. Enough for emergencies for Kai, at least.’

  Mia stuffed the cheque into the baby bag, next to the wipes. ‘OK. Thanks. And for the mobile. And the nappies.’ She kissed Mum’s cheek.

  Suddenly Mia felt a whole lot better.

  Becky, Tasha and Siobhan were in the kitchen, eating toast.

  ‘Want some?’

  Mia shook her head.

  ‘None of us have eaten all day. After last night.’ Siobhan laughed. ‘I’ve never been so hungover.’

  ‘You all right?’ Becky asked Mia. ‘You look a bit spaced-out.’

  ‘My mum’s just given me a hundred and fifty quid.’

  ‘You lucky thing. Can I help you spend it?’ Becky grinned. ‘You should see Alice more often, shouldn’t you?’

  ‘Who’s Alice?’ Siobhan asked.

  ‘Mia’s mum. That’s what she’s supposed to call her these days.’

  ‘Kai was miserable. And Mum and Dad argued, as always.’

  ‘He’s not miserable now, are you, sweetie-pie? That’s cos you like being with us, isn’t it?’

  ‘He looks so sweet with his little face peeping out. Can I hold him?’

  They passed him round. This time, he didn’t seem to mind.

  ‘We missed you at the party,’ Tasha said.

  A hush went round the table, everyone suddenly watching Mia more closely.

  Mia felt her face go hot. ‘It’s OK, Becky’s told me about Will.’

  They all started talking at once, reassuring her. It doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t really like her. It’s because they were pissed.

  ‘It won’t last,’ Siobhan said.

  ‘And how would you know?’

  ‘It’s obvious. She’s been after him for ages and he’s never been interested before. He was feeling bad – got legless –’