Cruel & Beautiful

by A. M. Hargrove

  He then picks me up and I squeal not expecting it. He tosses me on the bed and I giggle as I land, which is so unlike me. He works my skirt and thong off before spreading my legs wide. He nestles there and gets me off another two times.

  “I can’t get enough of you,” he says before sliding his stiff cock into me. He makes love to me long and slow and I’ve forgotten all about Mitch.

  We lay in bed wrapped up in each other as his hand strokes my hair. I finally broach the subject.

  “So were you really that bad off when I left?”

  His hand stills. “Cate, I thought we weren’t going to talk about the past.”

  “I know, but…” I’m not sure how to put it. “I need to understand.”

  He lets out a deep breath. “I know where everything went wrong. I know my part in it. When you left, it took me by surprise that you’d left the city for good. No one would tell me where you’d moved to and you changed your phone number. I admit I was pissed for a short time. I thought what we had deserved more than you leaving that way. But I get it. I know why you did it. Why you felt like you had to do it.”

  I listen to the sounds of his heartbeats a few seconds before I spoke. “I never meant to hurt you like that.”

  He was silent. “Let’s just move on. Nothing is solved by dwelling on a past we can’t change. You’re here. I’m here. We’re here together. In this together.”

  “We are and I’m so incredibly happy.”

  He kisses my forehead. “There is nothing in this world more important to me than to see you happy.”

  The smell of coffee wakes me in the morning as the bedroom door opens.

  “Morning, I brought you a cup.”

  I squeal because it’s not Andy speaking. I grip the covers around me. Mitch laughs.

  “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, cupcake, and I don’t poach. You’re Drew’s and I respect that.”

  He sets the coffee down. “I’m making breakfast if you’re interested.”

  And he leaves the room as quickly as he came in. Only he doesn’t close the door. My clothes are at the other end of the room. I’m left wondering what twilight light zone I’ve entered. Men are crazy. Instead of getting out of bed, I sit up and grab the coffee. On the bedside table, a note sits on top of some clothes.

  Cate,

  I had early rounds and didn’t want to wake you. You look so beautiful when you sleep, when you’re awake, and wherever and whatever you’re doing. I’ve left you a tee-shirt and boxers. Mitch has no boundaries when it comes to personal space. I won’t be long.

  I’ll be back before lunch. Stay.

  Andy

  I smile and quickly get dressed under the covers before heading to the bathroom to take care of my morning routine. I glance and only see the one toothbrush. As much spit swapping as Andy and I’ve done, it doesn’t take much for me to talk myself into using his toothbrush. Fresh breath wins out and I head to the kitchen to deal with Andy’s friend alone.

  MY ROLE AS AN INTERN is in full swing and living with Drew is working out better than I’d expected. He is as easy going every day as he was on the weekends we were together. There are never any surprises, which I love about him.

  My boss, Mr. Hendershot, is great. He takes me under his wing and spoon feeds me the kind of information interns rarely get. I’ve landed a gem of a job. Besides the occasional audit engagement for clients who have fiscal years, I’m working on writing their policy manual in the accounting department, which gives me the opportunity to use my dual major. Mr. Hendershot is filled with all sorts of knowledge that he doles out to me like M&M’s and I joyfully gobble them up. Midway through the summer, he asks what my intentions are as far as geographical locations after graduation.

  “My fiancé and I will be moving back to Charleston. He is going to pursue a fellowship in oncology there.”

  “Well, that’s a shame, Cate, because I would love to have you on board with us. But I can certainly promise you a great recommendation. You know, wherever you land, you’re going to shine.”

  That night I rush in from work, eager to share my news with Drew. He loves hearing about my work, and he’s always very supportive of everything I do. But he’s not there and I spy a note from him on the counter.

  Just a reminder, babe, I have hockey practice tonight.

  Won’t be late.

  This guy looooves you!

  A giant grin spreads across my face. He always leaves me the cutest notes. I hug it to my chest on the way to the bedroom to change. When I get back to the kitchen I open up the fridge and decide to make Greek chicken for dinner. Drew loves it and he will be famished when he gets home.

  I get everything assembled and pop the pan in the oven. Then I make a tossed salad. While it does its thing, I decide to drink a beer and read a bit. A little over an hour later, the apartment smells heavenly and my stomach rumbles in response.

  When I open the oven door, the chicken looks scrumptious. So much so that my mouth waters. Checking the time, I see that Drew should be home in about thirty minutes. I turn the oven off, cover the pan loosely with foil, and decide to wait on him. Not much long after that my phone buzzes. Checking the caller ID, I see it’s Drew.

  “Hey honey.”

  “Cate,” he wheezes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I got checked in the ribs and I think they’re fractured. I’m on the way to get an X-ray.”

  “Shit. Want me to come and get you?”

  “No. I’m good to drive.”

  “You sure? You sound bad.”

  “Just hurts to breathe. I’ll be home soon.”

  “Be careful.”

  “Will do.”

  Now I’m worried sick about him driving like that. Sitting and waiting is the worst. I want to call him, but I hate to be a bother. Too many minutes tick by and my phone rings at last.

  “No break but I’m bruised. I’ll be home in a bit.”

  “That’s good news. Be careful.”

  I pace until I see his headlights through the blinds and I shoot out the door.

  “This is a fine greeting. I need to get injured more often.”

  “Drew McKnight. Don’t you ever say that. I’ve been worried sick.”

  I hold his arm while he gets out, noticing him wince as he does.

  “Can I get you some ice?”

  “I’m not sure that will help, though it won’t hurt. I have pain meds, but I don’t like taking them.”

  “Take them at least tonight. Can you tell me what happened?”

  “An everyday body check. Happens all the time, but this must’ve caught me just right. It was weird though, because I didn’t feel like the guy hit me that hard.” He shrugs and says, “I guess he got my sweet spot or something.”

  “Know what I think?”

  “What?”

  “Gramps can’t take it anymore.” I give him a lop-sided grin.

  “Oh, I guess that’s what it was.”

  We’re inside now and I ask, “Want to sit or lie down?”

  “Sit. I need food with these pain meds.”

  “Well, lucky you. You’ve come to the right place. Let me fix you a plate.”

  He doesn’t eat much, which tells me how much pain he’s in. Drew is not one to complain, and he doesn’t now, but he can’t seem to take a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry, Cate, this is excellent, but I can’t eat any more.”

  “It’s fine. I’d rather you be comfortable than force yourself to eat. Let me help you to bed.”

  “I need a hot shower.”

  “Need help?”

  “I’ve got this.”

  He does hurt. Normally he’d never refuse an offer like this. I help him to the bedroom where he slowly undresses. His side already has signs of bruising.

  “Yep. Black and blue popping out already,” I say.

  “Hmm.” His fingers probe the area, and he winces.

  “Stop that. You already know you’re bruised. You don’t
need to keep poking at yourself.” He favors his side as he sort of does a wobble-walk to the bathroom. Not much later, he’s out and gently plops onto the bed.

  “Damn, I do feel old.”

  “But you look like a million bucks.” I wink.

  “Kiss me, Cate.”

  I bend over him and offer him my lips.

  “You’re the best wife-to-be a man could ever hope to have.”

  “And I love you more than ice cream, Drew.”

  “Hmm. That’s a whole lot, isn’t it?”

  “You bet it is. Now let those pain killers do their job and get some sleep.”

  The next morning, he’s feeling better. Physically, anyway. But something bothers him, only he won’t say what. I pester him but he tells me he’s fine.

  It’s about three weeks later while Drew is in the gym doing bench presses, when the side he injured flares with pain. It’s so severe, he has to drop the weight, and call me.

  “Cate, can you come to the gym?”

  I pick him up and take him to the ER. They X-ray him and tell him he has pleurisy, an inflammation of the lining of the lung. Drew grills the doctor, while I as the ignorant layperson have no idea what’s really going on. They give him antibiotics, which Drew insists he doesn’t need and argues with the treating physician, but they eventually convince him to take them.

  On the drive home, Drew is quiet and when I ask him questions, he responds in monosyllabic answers.

  “Will you tell me what’s in your head right now?”

  “Frustrated, that’s all.”

  “It’s fine. You’ll take the medicine and you’ll be fine.”

  He isn’t. The pain doesn’t resolve. He goes to one of his attendings at the hospital, and they suggest more tests. He doesn’t tell me any of this until a few weeks later.

  Summer is ending and my final year at Purdue begins in one week. I can’t believe it. I’m ready to get this show on the road so Drew and I can get on with our lives. I move back to West Lafayette in few days, as my internship has ended, and most of my things are packed up. Drew and I will be spending these last few days together, because for whatever reason, he doesn’t have to work.

  I’ve just come in from the store and Drew is sitting on the couch. My arms are laden with grocery bags and normally, he would jump up to help me. This time he only sits there.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “Cate. Can you sit here with me, please?”

  “Give me a minute. My hands are full.” It sort of pisses me off a little that he ignores my struggles. When I have everything put up, I go into the living room and notice how pale he is. His usually tanned face has a slightly grayish cast to it and he appears … stressed. The normally happy-faced Drew is absent.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, as I sit down, taking his hand.

  He scratches his neck and says, “I should be fairly good at this, but I’m not. So I’m going to tell you straight up and please forgive my bluntness.”

  “Drew, you’re scaring me.”

  “Cate, all this stuff going on with me, my ribs, the pleurisy. It’s none of that. I have cancer. Bone cancer. Ewing Sarcoma to be precise.”

  My arms and hands go numb as shock settles in. “Wh-what? What are you saying? Cancer?” My gut drops through the floor and I want to lose everything I ate today. Cancer! Drew! My brain spins with his words.

  “Yes, cancer. I wasn’t satisfied with their diagnoses, so I discussed everything with one of the attendings in my program, and he suggested a bone scan. That’s what it showed. Well, it showed a mass the size of a thumbnail and then I had a CT-guided needle biopsy, and a follow up PET scan.”

  “And you didn’t tell me any of this?” I don’t even know what most of what he said is.

  “I didn’t want to worry you if it turned out to be nothing.”

  “Drew,” I throw my arms around him. “I wish you had told me. I would’ve been there with you.”

  “Guess it doesn’t matter now,” he says as he hugs me back.

  “Oh my god. How did you hide this from me?”

  He doesn’t answer, only shakes his head.

  “So now what?”

  “I guess my choice of fellowships was prophetic. The oncology fellow gets cancer himself.”

  “Oh, Drew.” I squeeze him tighter.

  “Easy there, Cate.”

  “Oh,” I say, letting him go.

  “Don’t let me go, just not so tight. I need those arms of yours right now. I’m scared. For one of the first times in my life.”

  Now I know this is the real deal. I know I can’t let the tears loose that keep trying to punch their way through. I must be strong for him.

  “Talk to me, babe. Tell me what the plan is,” I say, my face against his neck. Please, God, let me be strong for this beautiful man.

  “Chemo. Then surgery. Here’s the weird thing. I have a pediatric cancer. It’s super rare for an adult to get this. But they may switch up my chemo a bit since I’m not a peds patient. I meet with the Oncology team Monday. I had a phone call with one of them today. They may want to do a surgical excision first. They’re having a tumor board on Friday.”

  “A tumor board?”

  “Yeah, it’s where a bunch of oncologists get together and discuss a case. I will be theirs this Friday. Then we meet on Monday to decide my course of therapy.”

  “Are you good with this? Do we need to go somewhere else?”

  “Nah. They connect with all the major centers so the treatment protocols are pretty much the same.”

  “Your parents? Do they know?”

  “Not yet. I’m going to call them tomorrow.”

  “Drew, look at me.” Sadness dulls his normally bright blue eyes. “We’re going to kick this cancer in the ass, babe. Do you hear me? I’m going to be with you every step of the way and we’re going to knock this thing out of you. I want you to understand this.”

  “I know. I’m with you, Cate. We’re going to win this war. It’s what I want to do with my life … with our lives.”

  I grab his face and kiss him. “You bet your ass we do.”

  “There’s something else. With chemo, there’s a strong chance it will destroy any possibility of my ability to have kids.”

  “Drew, I don’t care …”

  “Let me finish, Cate. I want to freeze my sperm. In the chance that it does, and I do beat this …”

  “There is no if. You’re going to beat this.”

  “I know. So, when the time comes, and we want kids, we’ll still be able to do that.”

  “Okay.” And I hug him, because if there is a choice, I will always choose Drew.

  Drew has a meeting scheduled with his oncology team on Monday, the same day classes start for me. I want to skip so I can be with him. He assures me he’s good.

  “Realistically, babe, what can you do? I have one of my attendings coming with me, and Mom and Dad will be here, too. It’s not that I don’t want you there, but you need to be in class. This is your final year.”

  “I know but this is your life. I’m a part of it. I want to be with you, holding your hand.”

  “And you will. In spirit.”

  I pace the living room. I’ve delayed my departure by two days. I don’t have books or anything purchased yet. He’s right and I know it. This is going to be a tough semester for me, too. I’m taking eighteen ball-busting hours.

  “Come here.” He calls me over to the couch where he sits. Then he pulls me on his lap. I suck in my breath and try to get up. “I’m not fragile, Cate. Don’t treat me as though I am. Now listen up. We both have lives to live and I want us to be as normal as possible. Cancer sucks, no matter how you look at it. There will be times I’ll need you desperately. Right now is not one of them. I have a huge support team and you’re my number one. I know that. As soon as I’m finished, I’ll call. But you have a job to do. When we get married in June, you need to be done, your diploma in hand, with that summa cum laude behind your name. You won’t be ab
le to do that if you skip classes.”

  “I love you, Drew.”

  “Good. Now take your clothes off, because it’s going to be a few days before I see you again.”

  This time when we make love, it’s slow and careful. Drew’s eyes never leave mine, it seems. Almost like he’s memorizing everything about me that he can. And as much as it’s beautiful, it’s frightening, too. The vibrancy of him, the way he’s so full of life makes me believe they must have made an error. They must’ve gotten it all wrong. It was someone else’s biopsy that they got mixed up with his. Then the truth bullies the fantasy aside and I know it’s real. Urgency invades me and I can’t seem to get enough of him. I want to drink him in, fill myself with Drew, until I can’t possibly take any more. He senses it; I know it. I’m no good at hiding my emotions. His lips capture mine in a searing kiss and when he releases me, he says, “It’s going to be fine. We’ll make it, Cate. I know. I’m going to beat this.”

  And I believe him. He’s so convincing and strong. How can he not?

  His chemo treatments begin the following week. As his luck would have it, they are opting for the more aggressive approach. The drugs they will use are toxic. I cringe just thinking about it. Caroline, Sam’s wife, is going with him for his first treatment, and then I will be there the next day, to spend the weekend. This semester is turning to shit. All I think about is being with him.

  When I arrive at his apartment, he’s in bed. The blinds are drawn and he’s asleep. I don’t want to wake him so I stand in the doorway and watch him. He’s beautiful. His full lips and straight nose are profiled against his pillow and I want to bend down and kiss him, but I don’t budge. The sheet is pulled down his body, exposing his torso, and I think about what’s lurking beneath that gorgeous skin. How can something so ugly, so grotesque, be growing inside of all that magnificence? I cover my mouth to stop any sound from escaping. The urge to kiss his ribs nearly drives my feet into forward motion. I want to be the one to take it all away from him. Ridiculous, I know, but that’s how I feel, nonetheless. Guess you could say it’s my protective instinct. If I could touch every single bit of him right now, without waking him, I would. I wish I could soak him up, absorb him into me, and keep him safe there forever. I turn and quickly run away, trying to get out of there so I don’t wake him with my sobs. It’s so fucking hard to keep my shit together when I’m around him.