Cruel & Beautiful

by A. M. Hargrove

  You can hear murmurs throughout the church and Ben’s right. Drew never did anything without purpose, or without a goal in mind.

  “And one other thing Drew did, was ask me to a Purdue football game and alumni post party. So we went. My sister Jenna and her best friend and roommate, Cate Forbes showed up. Drew took one look at Cate and said to me, ‘Dude, who’s that girl with your sister?’ When I told him, he said, ‘I’m going to marry her one day. Introduce us. Now.’ It took a few weeks to persuade Cate to agree to a date, but damn if he didn’t. And Cate, you made him the happiest guy on Earth.”

  He gently folds his papers in half and says in a soft voice, “You will be missed, my brother.” Ben walks down and takes his seat next to me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I know it could not have been easy for him to do it, but Drew would have been proud if he could have been here. Something inside my heart tells me he heard every word.

  If the attendees expect me to speak, they will have to be disappointed. Now my body is broken apart by silent sobs. Ben’s arm wraps around me as I lean against him for support. The question that won’t leave hits me again. How will I live without him?

  The church has kindly allowed us to greet the mourners in a large room, so we have food and drinks available. There are so many people, it’s impossible for me to keep up. Half of the time, I find myself in the bathroom, splashing water on my face, trying to rinse my tears away. I never bothered with any makeup today and that was the best call ever. I would’ve looked awful by now, even with the waterproof stuff. At one point after fixing myself up, I glance over at Ben, and his hair looks like a hurricane got a hold of it. He can’t keep his hands out of it. I can hear Drew’s voice in my head saying, “Babe, go fix that shit up for him. He looks like hell.”

  So that’s what I do. I scoot next to him and grab his arm. “Come here a sec.”

  “What?”

  I do my best to straighten out the wreck of Ben’s wavy nest.

  “That bad, huh?”

  Scrunching up my face, I say, “Yeah. It sort of looked like you just woke up after a week long bender.”

  His arm moves up to run through his hair and I trap it in my hand. “Stop. That’s what’s causing this mess.”

  He holds out his hands. “Okay. Okay. I’ll do better. I’m just …”

  I swipe at my face and say, “I know. We all are.”

  “We need a fucking drink, don’t we?”

  “And we’ll have some, as soon as this is over.”

  We move back to the crowd. When the last person has filed through, we all finally take a breather and sit. Ray and Letty look like they’ve aged twenty years. I feel like I have, too. Ben’s hair is a wreck again and I laugh. It’s one of those inappropriate laughs, that you try to hold back, but just can’t. Everyone looks at me with questions in their eyes.

  Shaking my head, I say, “It’s Ben’s hair. I can hear Drew saying a bunch of crap about it.”

  Everyone laughs and the Drew stories start. Ben invites everyone over to clean out his liquor cabinet and we migrate to his house. Ray and Letty and my parents leave after a little while, but Jenna and I stay the night. We drink ourselves silly and all crash on the floor, with sleeping bags, pillows and cushions from the couches and chairs.

  In the morning, I wake up and look around. Ben and Jenna are still passed out. I roll over and see all the empty liquor bottles on the coffee table. It’s a surprise I’m not puking everywhere. I sit up and go to the bathroom. On the way back, I pass a shelf that’s loaded with pictures of Ben and Drew. It’s impossible for me not to stare at them. What a pair they are. Or were. A sudden wave of anxiety barrels into me, and I nearly drop the picture in my hand as I slide to the floor. My chest pounds with pain as I realize I can’t ever go home. I can’t walk through that door again, knowing Drew won’t ever be there to greet me with those stunning blue eyes of his. A wave of nausea rolls over me and I clamp my hand over my mouth. Ben is there, pulling me up.

  “What happened?”

  “I can’t go home. I … ever. I can’t ever go back there.” My entire body shakes.

  “It’s okay, Cate. You don’t have to.”

  “No, you don’t get it, Ben. I can’t walk in there at all.”

  He grabs my hand and we go into his kitchen where he fixes me a glass of water.

  After a few sips, and Ben talks me through this anxiety attack, I calm down.

  “Cate, this is a new road for you.”

  “Ben, it’s not about a new road. It’s about Drew not ever coming home. I don’t want to be in that house. Period.”

  “Okay. Okay. I get that. Come with me.”

  He takes my hand again, and this time we go to his office.

  “Have a seat,” he says, point to a chair. “Look, you don’t have to go back there. In fact, you should sell. But, I have something for you.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. You know our guy. He always planned for everything. I was to give this to you the day after the funeral. Here.” Ben hands me an envelope.

  I look at him, not knowing what to do.

  He nods. “Open it. I’m supposed to stay with you while you read it.”

  “Okay. Is this going to tear me up into even more pieces?”

  “I don’t know.” There go his hands through his hair again.

  The outside of the envelope says, “My Loving Cate.”

  I open it gingerly.

  My Dearest Cate,

  If you are reading this, then the inevitable has taken place. We’ve had many discussions about what would happen after my passing, but knowing you as I do, I knew I had to write this. That’s also why I’ve given this to Ben. (I hope the dude has followed my instructions!)

  I hope you don’t hate me for trying to send you away from the hospital (although I was fairly certain you would be too hard headed to leave). You had already been through the worst of the worst, and I didn’t want you to go through that, too. I wanted you to carry our best memories forward, to remember me in my healthy days, when we were happy and fell in love, and loved with abandon. I never told you this, but if I’d had a crystal ball and could’ve seen the future, I would’ve run far, far away from you as fast and as hard as I could have. Not because I didn’t love you. I hope you know that. My heart was as tangled up in yours as was possible. I don’t think I could’ve loved anyone as hard as I loved you. I would’ve run because I never would’ve put you through this horrible journey. And I can only hear you ranting now. But stop. It’s done. It’s over. And I didn’t know. So we fell in love, married, and the rest, as they say, is history.

  But this ending was not part of my plan, as you know. I had such great visions for us. The large house with three kids. Growing old together and spoiling the hell out of our grandkids. I saw us holding hands, sitting on our rockers, watching the sunsets, sipping our wine. Taking luxurious vacations (which may or may not have included side trips to Blackhawks games), and me spoiling the hell out of you. Words will never express to you how sorry I am that I couldn’t fulfill those visions.

  Now here comes the hard part for you, Cate. You made me a promise and I’m going to hold your feet to the fire on this. You swore to me you would move on afterwards. You would go forward and find someone else and live your life. That’s what I’m asking you to do. Oh, I know you can’t do this immediately. But don’t you dare sit on your ass for years and pine away. And knowing you, that’s exactly what you’ll do. You’re such a hard ass sometimes. But I’m not going to let you get away with this. This time, you’re going to hold up your end of the bargain. This is a huge world, Cate. I was not the only person in it for you. Don’t tell yourself that and don’t be naïve. Open yourself up and let yourself love again. The worst thing that could happen and the last thing I would want are for you to be alone and be lonely. You’ve been through way too much in your young life already. You promised me, and by God, you’d better not renege on this. So I’m giving you six months. Too short you say? I sa
y bullshit. You’re going to pack up your boxes, because mine are already packed, and get the hell out of here. Sell the house. Do you hear me? Move. Get the hell out of there! Give all my clothes to charity. The few items I’ve tagged will go to Ben or my parents. You already have what you want. Everything else is tagged for the charity I’ve designated.

  There’s enough life insurance money and money from my trust fund that you’ll inherit for you to be comfortable for however long you want. You’ll need to work only if that’s what you want to do. Ben will help you with all of this—he’s your money guy. This will give you time to figure out where you want to end up living. Go. Explore the world if you want. Seek out a new life for yourself. And find that special someone. Make sure he treats you well. And don’t settle. You deserve the best of the best, Cate.

  Do me a favor. Always remember the better times and know that I loved all the pieces of you with all the pieces of me.

  Forever and then some,

  Drew

  P.S. Look out for Ben and tell that dude to stop running his hands through his hair. He’s going to go bald and end up looking like me, but he won’t be as sexy!

  Leave it to Drew to try to make me laugh at the end.

  “Did you read this?” I ask Ben.

  “No. Why?”

  I hand it to him. His eyes run with tears until he gets to the last line. Then we both laugh.

  “Asshole.” Then we cry-laugh and hug.

  I look at Ben and ask, “Will you help with all this? I think I’m going to take up Jenna on her offer to move in. Most of my stuff will have to go in storage once the house sells. I want to leave it furnished so it shows better.”

  “Sure, I’ll help, but why don’t you make it easy on yourself and hire some moving company.”

  “Oh, Ben, I don’t want to spend the money. I haven’t worked in six months and I’m not sure about the finances.”

  Ben laughs. “Did you not read the letter? You have no idea, do you?”

  “About what?”

  “Your financial status. And you’re a damn accountant.”

  “Should I be insulted?”

  He shakes his head. “No. If it were anyone else other than Drew, I might say yeah. But not with him. Cate, let me just say you can afford it. The moving company.”

  “And you know this, how?”

  “I’m your fucking broker. Like the letter said—I’m the money guy. Drew left you well cushioned. He’s a trust fundee. I’ve handled his investments for years and you’re his sole beneficiary.”

  “It was him I wanted. I never paid attention to his bank account. It was just us and battling fucking cancer.” I almost sob.

  The money thing never entered the picture for me and it’s not something I want to focus on right now. Ben must notice it because he keeps pushing.

  “Here. Hold on.” Ben pulls up a chair and we both sit at his computer. He logs into his brokerage firm and pulls up Drew’s account. “This is your account.” Then he scrolls down and shows me the numbers. It’s seven hefty figures worth. “This won’t include his life insurance, which will add another million.”

  “What?” I wipe my face again, because I’m still crying off and on throughout this whole conversation.

  “You heard me. You know about Drew’s mom, right? Her family?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “That’s where his money comes from. Your house? You know it doesn’t have a mortgage on it, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, Cate, add another seven hundred grand to your bottom line.”

  Jesus. How did I not know this?

  “You never talked about money with him?” Ben asks.

  “No. Never. Looking back, that sounds really dumb of me.”

  “No. I’m sure if the conversation ever got close to the subject, he would steer it away. And he wasn’t frivolous with it either.”

  It’s hard to take in. I knew money wasn’t an issue, but I just never dug into it. “Ben, someday when our heads are screwed on straight, we need to find a way to do something with some of this money as a tribute to him.”

  “Yeah. I think you’re right. By the way, I’ll be with you at the reading of his will and all.”

  “Good.”

  “So, a moving company then?”

  Letty calls the following week and says the reading of Drew’s Last Will and Testament will take place at their home. The attorney is a close family friend so they decide to do it there. Ben picks me up at Jenna’s and we go together.

  Afterwards, I ask Letty if she’s okay with all this. After all, it’s sort of her money.

  She sighs. “Drew loved you more than his own life, Cate. Of course I’m okay with it. It was his will that you have it all.”

  Then I tell her about my plans to move and sell.

  “I think you’re wise. It would bring nothing but more tears and heartache for you, dear, and God knows we’ve all had enough of that.” She dabs her eyes as she talks. I ask myself if it will ever get easier to talk or think about Drew.

  Seven Months Later

  The house is mostly staged, all pictures of Drew and me are packed and stored. The movers have come and all my belongings are in storage. It’s finally listed and I’m living full time with Jenna again, just like old times.

  My position with Ernst and Young was given away, but I interviewed with Price Waterhouse and was given an entry-level auditing role with them. I’m starting all over again. I’d be lying if I’d say I wasn’t depressed. I think about Drew every day. He’s everywhere I look, in everything I do. But I guess that’s the grieving process, or at least it’s what everyone says.

  During my lunch break today, I make a run to the hospital. I’m still dealing with insurance stuff, so I furnish the billing office with just one more piece of information they need. The woman tells me to come back in an hour so I decide to grab a quick lunch in the cafeteria. As I walk down the corridor, I turn the corner and run smack into Dr. Mercer. Once again, his first name escapes me. I give myself a pass because the night I met him I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind.

  “Cate.”

  “Dr. Mercer.” I extend my hand to him.

  “I thought we passed all the formalities. Please, call me Drew.”

  IT’S THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING and I stand by the window of my apartment and gaze out as the sun makes its first appearance for the day. Today is moving day and nervous excitement wouldn’t allow me to sleep. Arms circle me and draw me back into a firm chest.

  “Morning, beautiful.”

  I turn in his arms and press my lips against his. “Morning.”

  “I didn’t expect you to be up so early.”

  I shrug. “I’ve rarely seen dawn since I moved to DC.”

  “It’s pretty impressive, but it has nothing on you.”

  My lips curl and then, I watch in stunned silence as shirtless, looking sexy as hell Andy kneels down on one knee. My heart stops. The sunrise is forgotten as no light shines on me like the man before me.

  It’s been several months since the awkward conversation between Drew’s parents and me. They seem genuinely happy that I’ve found someone else. Their support and love has meant the world to me. Now that everyone knows, there is nothing to stop me from charging forward into a new life except myself.

  Andy’s eyes, so much like Drew’s, sparkle up at me. My chest ceases to move.

  “Sweetheart, breathe.”

  Every sound is caught in a vacuum as I let out a breath I know I’ve been holding for a few years.

  “Cate, you lit a fire in me long before I knew what that fire meant.”

  They say when you die, your life flashes in front of your eyes. I have that surreal moment now. Everything begins to slow and the memories since the day I met Andy comes back like a sledgehammer to the chest.

  ~About seven months after Drew~

  I rush into the hospital hating that I have to be there. But the insurance company needs some paperwork signed off
in order to finalize benefits. It’s something I should have done months ago but I couldn’t bear it.

  The woman in front of me has no sympathy for me. I’m sure she’s seen and heard it all. My circumstances aren’t dire—at least to anyone besides me.

  “You can pick up the form in an hour. That’s the best I can do.”

  I nod and walk to the cafeteria. I haven’t had lunch and I don’t want to leave and come back. While I’m deciding whether or not to go with a Cobb or Caesar salad, someone says my name.

  “Cate.”

  I turn and it takes a moment for me to recognize the face. I’m not sure why; his eyes are the spitting imagine of Drew’s.

  “Dr. Mercer.” I extend my hand.

  There is no way I could forget this man’s kindness. I practically sobbed all over him the day Drew asked me to leave his hospital room for good.

  “I thought we passed all the formalities. Please call me Drew.”

  I nod, but it’s hard to say that name without breaking out in tears.

  “How are things?” he asks.

  Grief over takes me and a tear slips through my defenses.