by Jillian Neal
“He is not my boyfriend, and even if he was what business is it of yours?”
“You not hearing real well this mornin’ or something, sis? It’s our business ’cause we’re your brothers,” Grant came right back.
“You know I kinda thought by the time you all was married and making babies of your own that I wouldn’t have to say this, but leave your sister alone and get. We got a hundred and fifty pairs to work.” Natalie’s father, Ev, came to her rescue. An automatic smile spread the width of her face.
“Thank you, Daddy.” She couldn’t resist sticking her tongue out at her brothers even if she was entirely too old to do such things.
“Brat,” Austin taunted just before he had her in a headlock. His fist pressed to her scalp, giving her a noogie.
“Austin!” With a quick twist of her body she dug her shoulder blade into her brother’s abs.
“Did I not tell you to leave her be?” Ev ordered again.
When Austin finally released her, Natalie stumbled forward and almost collided with their cousin, Brock. Panic shot through her veins. She felt the blood drain from her cheeks. When he reached his hands out to steady her, she leapt out of his reach. Thankful Brock didn’t seem to notice, Natalie went through the taxing mental process she’d developed for just such an occasion.
“What are you all doing to her now?” Brock shook his head.
“We’re just showing her our brotherly love,” Grant teased.
“Poor kid.” Brock laughed as he pulled on a pair of work gloves.
“Brock we’re working your calves first so we’re heading that way as soon as the horses are saddled and loaded. You all get on. I’ll be right behind you.” Ev gave the day’s orders.
“Hope’s making lunch for everyone. She’ll bring it out wherever we’re working,” Brock added.
“Baby girl, you planning on working this mornin’ or are you goin’ back to bed?” Concern perforated her father’s inquiry.
“Unbelievable,” Austin shook his head. “You imagine what he’d say if any of us showed up down here in skivvies?”
“She worked two-hundred pairs yesterday, son, and I’d throw your sorry ass in the lake if you showed up down here in your drawers ’cause you’d clearly need to be sobered up.”
Her brothers all rolled their eyes. “She didn’t work ’em all by herself,” Luke pointed out.
“Good Lord, I’m workin’ today. When have I ever not worked? I just wanted to brush Sundance and give her some oats before we started, since I know you all didn’t do it last night when you put her up.”
“That horse is almost as spoiled as you are.” Austin guided his horse out of the barn.
“Come on, baby girl, I’ll walk you back home so you can change.” Her father’s offer struck the tone of an order.
“Fine,” Natalie sighed.
They hadn’t made it fifty paces outside the paddock before her father started in.
“You and Aaron Weber dating again?”
“It’s been less than seven hours since we decided that. How the hell did you hear about it so fast?”
“A daddy knows. You didn’t throw your brother on the ground when he had you in a headlock so I figured you were in a good mood about something, and I saw Aaron’s truck drive by on the way to your house last night.”
“Does anyone on this ranch ever sleep?”
“I don’t sleep ’til I know all of my young-uns are safe and sound on my ranch.”
“He said he’d like for us to go out a few places again, so I guess we are.”
“Seems to me you either are or you’re not. I don’t much like the idea that you’re only dating him because that’s what he wants.”
“I want that, too. And when have I ever done anything I didn’t want to do?”
Ev’s soothing chuckle eased the irritation and fear Brock’s appearance in the barn had brought on. “Honey, no one, and most certainly not me, has ever doubted your ability to be stubborn when that’s what you set your mind to do. I just don’t know much about the bartender. You didn’t date him too long last time.”
“Well,” Natalie filled her lungs with the fresh scent of hay, manure, and sunshine. A broad grin formed on her face. “That’s why we’re trying it again, maybe.”
“What’s he got all them tattoos for?”
“Daddy.”
“You’re my little girl. I got a right to ask that.”
“No, you don’t.”
“He didn’t get all them in prison did he?”
“Dad.”
“I’ll go ask him if you don’t answer me, Natalie Camden.”
Making no effort to hide her eye roll, she shook her head. “I’m fairly certain he’s never been to prison.”
“So, you ain’t real sure?”
“I’m going to find Mama.”
“No, now don’t do that. You ain’t gonna get any are ya?”
“And what if I did?”
“I don’t know why you young-uns want to do that to yourselves.”
“Probably because it bugs you all so much.”
“Are you trying that reverse psychology on me? I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to work the other way around.”
“You stopped asking me about Aaron’s tattoos, so I’d say it worked just fine. I’ll be out as soon as I change.” As soon as her house came into view, Natalie picked up the pace.
“You ain’t gotta work out there if you don’t want to.” Her father made the customary offer he’d been making her for the past several years.
“I’m fine, Daddy. I am always fine.”
CHAPTER FIVE
“I thought it’d be a good idea for you to give me some tips on how to handle this relationship, since she’s a little afraid of being physical and this is my first real relationship since…everything.” Aaron waved his right hand wishing for the thousandth time that he could simply brush off the hell he’d created. “I just need to know how to keep her safe.” And who to keep her safe from.
Dec was a sex therapist by trade. Letting people ease into discussing things they knew a great deal about made them feel safe. Americans who felt safe often gave up information they hadn’t intended to. Europeans in general were different, and Brits were no exception. It took a little more to get them to divulge personal information, but he was up to the task.
“Did Natalie ask you to keep her safe or did she ask you to introduce her to the finer points in lovemaking?”
“I care about Nat, more than I care about most anyone out here. We’ve been friends for a while. You know that. Whether we sleep together or not, it has nothing to do with the fact that I will always make sure she is safe physically, mentally, and emotionally. Didn’t you teach me that trying to be something I’m not is an exercise in futility? I’m being me.”
“I know. And I can help you handle a sexual relationship with a victim of assault if you’d like to discuss that instead of something I simply cannot and will not tell you.”
“Fine, but before we discuss any of that, I do need to know if she is in any danger. You don’t have to tell me from who, or from what, but I will not let anyone hurt her.” The word assault shot bile from his gut to his throat. He welcomed the burn. It drove him. Telling the informant all they didn’t have to share occasionally helped get the information you needed them to tell you.
“Natalie is not in any imminent danger that I am aware of. The likelihood that what happened to her would ever be repeated is infinitesimal by my estimations. The person who hurt her will never be allowed back on the ranch. Do remember that she has an extremely protective family all of whom would lay down their lives to save hers. Perhaps even more importantly, you need to remember that Natalie is a force unto herself. She never gives away anything she isn’t willing to share. If she asked you to be romantically involved in her life, that says a great deal about how much she trusts you.”
Aaron sure as hell knew that Natalie was fierce. It was one of the many things he adored about her, bu
t infinitesimal wasn’t small enough, not by a long shot. And he had just been handed actionable intel he could make use of. Back on the ranch. Wasn’t that interesting? Sick bastard, I’m coming for you.
His goal remained in the forefront of his mind, but he needed Dec to believe that he was moving on now that he’d been assured Natalie was safe. “I want off the meds, both of them.”
Dec tried to hide his grin and pull on his standard concerned expression anytime Aaron brought this up. “I take it the side effects aren’t something you’re willing to gamble on with Natalie?”
“Damn straight. I hate them anyway.” That was God’s honest truth.
“You’ve already worked yourself down to your current doses every other day. The next step is yours to take, but I do need to warn you the nightmares and panic attacks could become more frequent off of the meds. If you’re determined to come off of them, you might need to find other ways to handle those.”
Aaron hated the weakness he associated with needing the pills. He loathed that he’d ever required them in the first place. The way they muted the world around him wasn’t worth it. He’d deal. He had to be all in when he was with Natalie.
He wanted to experience every shiver of her sweet little body, feel her breath on his skin, taste the hunger on her lips. He was determined to see the trust in her eyes that he’d somehow build. He needed to see the streaks of warmth he could summon with a touch, the wet heat he would draw from her, and her pussy swollen and greedy for his cock. He’d gladly take his table in hell to memorize the tight slick space between her thighs that he was going to make all his own. Choking back a ravenous groan from the thought alone, he knew Satan had nothing on what men could do to each other anyway. “I’ll work out more. That helps.”
“That’s good. You might find that sex solves myriad problems, as well.”
“Yeah, well, we’re taking this slowly, so it’ll be a while before I know just how much that’s gonna help.”
“Taking things slowly is an excellent idea. You could also come in more often if you find yourself needing a little additional help.”
“We’ll see. I’m worried about her. I’ll deal with whatever happens to me.”
“Soldier through and through.”
“I know what it’s like to have some tiny ridiculous thing send you reeling into a flashback. I won’t put her through that. I just need to know if there’s anything I shouldn’t do with her?” He went on and called himself an asshole. He did want the answer to his question because he couldn’t go on living with himself if he did anything that dropped her off the spiraling cliff of doom he’d climbed out of too fucking many times to count, but his motivation was twofold. What exactly did the person who’d been on Camden Ranch when Natalie was a little girl do to her?
“As you know flashbacks can be triggered from any number of places. A sight, a smell, a noise, a completely unrelated situation, a single word that prods the wound in your subconscious. Since you’ve been back on American soil, no one has done any of the things that happened to you while you were in the Middle East, however, you’ve had some pretty terrorizing memories surface. If Natalie flashes back to her attack, it is not in any way your fault, and you are probably the best person to help talk her off the ledge.”
Dec always referred to PTSD as a wound. That’s why Aaron continued to see him. Dec’s degrees were worth quite a bit, he supposed. He knew the trauma was some kind of infection no one could reach to cut away. He knew that hell changes a man, changes who they were, who they are, and worst of all, changes everything they’d ever hoped to be.
“I will also point out that psychological traumas are not signs of weakness. They are signs of unfathomable strength. She gets up every morning, faces her fears, climbs on her horse and deals. Exactly the way you get up every morning and do the things you do to get through the day. You’ll find that women with the highest, most reinforced walls often have the deepest amount to give this life. If you’ll give her a little time and make certain you never break the trust she’s extended you, if you can really make her feel safe in your presence, it could be life changing for both of you.”
The words sank slowly through Aaron’s mind. He tried to make sense of them. His shoulders eased of their own accord. The concept that Natalie wanted to share herself with him finally settled squarely in his chest, bringing warmth to the constant chill he’d carried for so damn long. The battered remains of his heart managed each beat with slightly more ease. “Okay, fine, tell me the best way to give her what she needs from me. Tell me how to make her feel safe.”
“You and I both know consent is a very sexy thing, but for someone with Natalie’s past it is absolutely crucial that you have her permission to be in any kind of physical contact with her.”
“I’d figured that much out myself, Doc. Shocked the hell out of me when she kissed me last night. I thought I was going to have to sit on my hands to keep from touching her.”
“You might find yourself in that position several times over the next few weeks.”
“I figure it’s not medically possible to die from a hard-on, so I’ll deal. I’ll never go into another mission I don’t know I can handle. I’ve got this. Just thought you could give me a few specific directives.”
“I’m going to take this opportunity to encourage you not to think of Natalie as a mission. You don’t need a briefing on having a relationship.”
“It’s sure as hell not something I’ve ever done before. Hookups and hangouts I ultimately worked into hookups are the only things I’ve ever accomplished with women. This is different. Nat’s different.” This was going to be more.
“Good. Because hookups are highly overrated and you both deserve better.”
“I told her that last night. Told her we weren’t just going to sleep together, that we were going to figure out couple-shit to do, too.”
“And she said?”
“That she’d liked dating me.” Choking back the rest of her confession, he refused to admit to Dec that he’d scared her in the past.
“Then you’re already ahead of the game, aren’t you? Figuring out what she likes to do when you’re together will ultimately help you build a relationship beyond the physical one both of you are seeking. Reaching deep and going after her heart will get you what you’re wanting. If you don’t want her to be afraid, teach her to trust you outside of your bedroom first.”
“Yeah, that was already in my plan.”
“Care to elaborate on this plan?”
“I was an intelligence officer, Doc, and I definitely consider that need to know information.”
“I see. Might I ask if you intend to tell Natalie about Najaf?”
Ire streaked up Aaron’s chest singeing his throat. “Why in God’s name would I do that?”
“You want her to tell you about what happened to her.”
“The last information exchange I involved myself in lost me seven members of my team.”
“I see, so you really just want me to tell you things you likely already know. A bath after her first time will help the tenderness. To make certain she’s with you and not back in dark memories either visibly or by her telling you she is whenever she’s in bed with you. A great deal of foreplay and lube might make things easier. Those were the kinds of directives you were after, correct?”
“Something wrong with that?”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe you played Dom at a few sex clubs in Europe several years ago. I am not worried about your ability to make love with Natalie. I’m worried about the highly unsteady psychological and emotional ground both of you will be walking. Let me make this clear, I’m almost more worried about you than I am about her.”
“I’m in this. We’ll make it work.”
“Before you go into this be aware that sexual fantasies often hold the very thing the mind needs to heal. Keep that in mind for both of you.”
“Are you ever going to tell me what you and Aaron did last night or am I g
oing to have to tickle it out of you?” Holly threatened Natalie while they mucked horse stalls that afternoon.
“There’s nothing to tell. We didn’t do anything.”
“So, you just came home in his truck an hour after I left Saddleback’s? You sat in silence and did nothing else?”
Natalie rolled her eyes. “We talked.”
“About?”
“None of your business, Holl.”
“Come on. I’m dying over here. I’m your baby sister. You have to tell me.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Are you dating again?”
“You’re not going to drop this are you?”
“Nope.”
“Fine. Yes, we’re dating again.” That odd sizzle of heat shimmered under her skin again as she made the confession. Natalie desperately needed to know what about dating Aaron was causing that. Every time she’d thought about him, her body reacted oddly. Her heart beat too fast. Her skin took on a hunger for his touch. The wet heat she was somewhat accustomed to gathered in her panties. Her mind flew into overdrive. Her ears longed to hear him make that grunting groan he’d made in the truck the night before. Once they slept together, would all of that go away? She debated asking Holly but couldn’t bring herself to say any of it out loud.
“You kept staring off into space today while we were working. You know if a cowgirl thinks about a guy while she’s on the back of her horse he has to be important.”
“He is important.”
“How important?”
“I’m going home now.”
“Because you’re going to Saddlebacks? Want me to come? I can be your wing-woman.”
“Officially on my nerves, Holly.”
“I am one and a half semesters away from being a full-fledged sex therapist. Let me help you.”
“I don’t need anyone’s help. Would you stop trying to fix me?” That last phrase escaped Natalie’s mouth without her permission. Sinking her teeth into her bottom lip another round of self-hatred filled her. Why was she always such a bitch whenever she thought about any of this? “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” It wasn’t okay. Defeat broadcast from her sister’s features, darker duplicates of her own. “I don’t think anything is wrong with you, Nat. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
