Jealous And The Free, The

by March Hastings

  Michele grinned. "I think I might just take you up on that," she said.

  Leda swung off the bed. "Well, now that that's settled..." She reached for a pair of slacks and pulled them on over her naked bottom. "We'd better take Boris out. He missed you last night almost as much as I did."

  "Oh?"

  "Um hmm. We sat up together until four o'clock. And by then he was practically sitting on my lap, asking to be consoled."

  Michele knew that she should be feeling ashamed of herself. But instead she felt an insane desire to laugh, to sing, to get up and waltz around the room with this beautiful girl she loved. But she got up quietly and went to stand behind Leda. She put her arms around the girl's waist and pulled her close. "I'm sorry," she said against Leda's ear. "Are you ever going to be able to forgive me?"

  Leda tilted her head back and kissed Michele on the side of the nose. "I already have," she said. "I told you before I know how it is the first time. We all learn by the messes we make."

  "Well, I have certainly have," Michele said with confidence. "No more of this for me. From now on..."

  "From now on what, Michele?"

  "From now on I'm going to be acting like a human being. A good husband, I mean. And if you don't feel like being a wife..."

  She paused, not really sure just what might happen if Leda put her through another episode like that business with Anne. Still she was determined that she would learn to put up with anything. And she knew she could. If only Leda would help her just a little.

  "I didn't say I wouldn't act like a wife, Michele," Leda said. "I feel that way about you, I really do." She shook her head. "But, honey, please don't try to suffocate me. You don't have to. I'm not going anywhere."

  Michele took hold of the girl's arms and turned her around. "You're damned right you're not going anywhere," she said, her voice low and full of emotion. She brought her lips down bruisingly on Leda's.

  CHAPTER 12

  The day that followed was the happiest she could remember in her whole life. Not that they did anything, really. Except take Boris for a long walk, holding hands like a couple of kids on a picnic and laughing at the disapproving glances of passersby. And then they stopped in for a spaghetti dinner at the place on the corner where they both gorged for a dollar apiece.

  But Leda's attitude toward her was something that Michele had never expected. Leda treated her with all the deference due to an adequate human being, to a husband who worked hard all week to support a loving wife. And Michele found herself responding with the desire to be all that the girl wanted her to be. She forgot all about her brief fling with Corinne and began concentrating on her new life with Leda.

  As they came out of the restaurant, Leda showed her a five dollar bill.

  "That's all we've got," Leda said. "We can blow it on a movie or we can..."

  "Oh, no," Michele interrupted. "I'd rather go home and make movies of our own. Besides, it might have to last for a few days. You don't always get paid right away on a new job."

  "It would help if you had the job," Leda said, but she was smiling.

  Michele frowned. "Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have quit the other one is what you mean." She sighed. "I'm slow, honey. But I'm learning. And I'll get a job first thing in the morning."

  "I know you will, baby." Leda took Michele's hand and led her down the street toward home. "Which only gives us a few hours to get better acquainted."

  Happily Michele allowed herself to be led along like a child. She wouldn't have objected to anything Leda did at that point. For she realized now that she was really in the driver's seat. That she could have any kind of relationship with Leda that she wanted to have. Which meant that...

  Michele pulled the key out of her pocket and opened the door to the apartment. The heat, the odor of burnt bacon, the mustiness came out to smack her in the face. Funny, she had never noticed it before, though it must always have been this way. For an instant she recalled the vast, airy expanse of Corinne's apartment. She would never get the kind of money from waiting tables that Corinne had. But still, she might be able to provide a few comforts for her girl. An air conditioner, at least. Maybe a new apartment before too long.

  As she unhooked Boris's leash, Michele looked around her critically. If she expected Leda to give up everything for her, then she had better get busy and make it worth the girl's while. After all, women like Leda appreciated pretty things. New clothes once in a while. Neither of them had ever known the luxuries of life.

  It worried Michele that she didn't know how to do anything but wait on tables. It had always seemed like enough, before Leda. Now... She could go back to school in the evenings. Learn how to do something, anything that would earn them a decent living. Maybe she could even finish a story and sell it.

  Michele became so engrossed with her schemes for success that, for the moment, she forgot all about Leda. She had taken it for granted that Leda would go along now with anything she wished and then she simply dismissed the girl from her mind. She stretched out on the couch with one foot extended up the wall. Boris sprawled out on the floor beside her.

  For a long time she lay there, thinking about the future, oblivious to the scene around her. Finally Leda came over and sat down on the couch at her feet. She put two cups of coffee on the low table.

  Michele glanced up at her and smiled. But she was still distracted with her thoughts so that she did not really absorb the fact of the girl's presence.

  Finally she felt the girl's hand on the back of her leg, moving up slowly toward her knee. She reached down and stopped the girl's fingers.

  "What's the matter?" Leda said. "Tired of me already."

  Michele laughed. "Of course not," she said. "I've just been thinking."

  "About what?"

  "About us, naturally."

  "Oh?"

  Michele nodded. "You know, for the first time in my life I feel like I have an incentive to really do something."

  "Like what, honey?"

  Something about the girl's tone made Michele uncomfortable. She sensed a certain wariness about Leda's manner. But, for the moment, she could not discern the trouble. And she was too wrapped up in her own plans to take much notice.

  "Well, I thought I might go back and finish school, for one thing," she said. "And I'd like to get busy with my writing. I've never even finished a story."

  Leda frowned. "Well, it sounds wonderful," she said, "or you. But where do I fit into all this?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "I don't know what I mean, exactly. It just sounds like…" She paused and glanced down at her feet. "Well, am I supposed to sit at home and twiddle my fingers, Michele?"

  "Of course not," Michele said readily. "There'll be plenty for you to do. I mean, we'll have a new apartment. And..."

  "That's not what I meant," Leda said. "I got the feeling at I'm supposed to stay at home and make like a wife while you go out and have all the fun."

  Michele felt as though her heart had stopped beating. What Leda said was true enough. She had planned for the girl to stay at home. But she hadn't expected Leda to react in quite this way.

  "It's true, then," Leda said quietly. "After all this, you still want me to give up school and be a housewife."

  "I didn't say that," Michele murmured.

  "But it's true, isn't it?"

  "Well, damn it, what if it is?" Michele exploded. "If you loved me..."

  "This has nothing to do with love and you know it," Leda said. "You want me to be at home so you'll know what I'm doing twenty-four hours a day. You'll leave Boris here to keep an eye on me, is that it?"

  Michele sat up suddenly and her foot hit a coffee cup. The cup spilled and clattered to the floor. Neither of them bothered to pick it up.

  Boris got up and came over to lap up the hot coffee.

  "Well?" Leda insisted.

  Michele sighed. "I didn't think of it that way at all. All I wanted was to provide for you. To take care of you so that you would never have to go out
to work..."

  Leda patted the couch. "Sit down," she said.

  Michele sat.

  "Now, please listen to me," Leda said. "When you came home today I thought you understood how things are with me. I love you, Michele. And I'll be faithful for life. You have my word on that. But I have no intention of giving up my career at this point. I've come a long way, Michele. Before long I'll be ready to appear professionally. I want that desperately. I always have. But that doesn't mean that I don't want you."

  "But..." Michele protested.

  "Let me finish," Leda said. "You will always come first, Michele. You know that. But you have to let me live, too." She shrugged. "I guess that's all."

  Michele sat silent for a long time. She knew that the outcome of this moment would determine the course of their whole life together. For if she gave in to Leda now...

  It griped the hell out of her that Leda should insist on having a career. If she herself had ever done anything worth doing, she knew, the girl would not be so insistent. If she had been successful as a writer, as anything that Leda could respect, the girl would have given in to her wishes. So it was not Leda at whom she directed her anger, but herself. How could she expect Leda to respect and admire her, when she had nothing to offer her but her own undeveloped self?

  "Is that your final word?" Michele asked finally. Leda tilted her head to one side and smiled at Michele with her eyes. "Don't make it sound so ominous," she said. "It's not as awful as you seem to think."

  Michele snorted. "We'll see," she said. Already her head was filled with visions of Leda at the school. Surrounded by Anne and girls like her. And later, dancing nearly naked in public. A hell of a way for a wife to behave.

  Leda put her hand on Michele's shoulder. "Maybe we shouldn't have come home after all," she said. "We’ve been so happy all afternoon."

  Michele turned to look down at the small, tense face. She shook her head. "Do you think we'll ever get through a whole day without disagreement?"

  Leda laughed. "Why not?" she said. "At this rate, we won't have anything left to argue about in a couple of weeks."

  Michele wished she felt as sure of that as Leda did. At the moment her heart felt cold and heavy inside her. She had begun to feel that no matter what she did, there would never be the kind of harmony between them that she dreamed of having. After all, how could she relax and be successful on a job when she knew that her girl was at school? Maybe with Anne. Maybe with... God only knew what Leda might find to do with herself. How could she ever concentrate on a school lesson when she did not know where the girl might be or what she might be doing?

  Yet through it all Michele heard the voice of her conscience telling her that she was being a fool. It was unfair of her to insist on this point. Hadn't it been she, after all, who had been unfaithful to Leda? Had run to the arms of another woman while Leda waited patiently for her to come home?

  How do you know, Michele? How do you know that she's been telling you the truth?

  The battle of voices inside Michele's head was beginning to give her a headache. She lay back against the pillows of the couch and closed her eyes.

  Leda touched her arm.>"Are you all right?"

  "I'm fine," Michael said from stiff lips. "Just leave me alone for a while."

  She felt Leda's cool palm touch the back of her neck. "If you have a headache," she said, "I can get rid of it for you."

  "Maybe you'd better," Michele said. "You gave it to me in the first place."

  "Oh, baby, why don't you relax and enjoy life a little?"

  Michele sighed. Why indeed? How could she tell Leda the truth? That she did not feel she deserved the girl's love? That she would not have blamed Leda for walking out on her at any moment?

  Leda's fingers moved expertly, gently massaging the cords of Michele's neck and down onto her shoulders.

  The girl was very close to her now and Michele smelled the lingering odor of the shampoo Leda had used. Her head throbbed with her frustration and disappointment. She wanted to cry. She wanted to have a tantrum like a kid, kicking and screaming.

  She put out her arms and the girl moved into them. They lay side by side on the couch, not speaking, not even moving. Each wrapped in a bitterness and unhappiness of her own.

  Finally Leda stirred and rolled away from her. She raised herself on an elbow and peered into Michele's face. "Honey, is it really all that important to you?"

  "What?"

  "That I quit school."

  Michele arched an eyebrow. What was the girl getting at now? "It's the principle," she said. "I have to know you're on my side."

  Leda was silent for a moment. Then she glanced away to the window. "And if I quit, everything would be all right?"

  "What do you mean, if you quit?" Michele asked. "You just said..."

  Leda sighed tiredly. "Never mind what I said. I want you enough to give up breathing if I have to." Her voice lowered and she looked now at Michele. "But it wouldn't do either of us any good if I did, now would it?"

  Michele did not even hear the sarcasm in Leda's tone. She heard only the words that told her Leda had given in. That Leda was willing to sacrifice everything for her.

  She leaned forward and pulled the girl into her arms. "Honey," she said, "I'll make it all up to you. We'll have the most perfect life..."

  "I know we can," Leda murmured.

  Michele forgot everything then but the rush of tenderness she felt for the girl. Her tongue sought the hollow of Leda's throat. Her hands caressed the soft, warm flesh.

  Michele made love to the girl with all the passion that had been aroused in her. She had never wanted the girl more nor needed her as much.

  Yet, when it was done, Leda lay quiet and still, not like a person satisfied, but like one in a trance. Michele slid off the couch onto her knees.

  "Honey, what is it?" she murmured.

  For a second Leda stared at her. Then she whispered, "I love you."

  She closed her eyes and turned away.

  CHAPTER 13

  By the time the alarm went off at noon, Michele had not yet fallen asleep. She had lain awake staring at the ceiling, too sick of herself and of Leda to be able to relax. She was beginning to feel as though she would never sleep again. Every muscle and nerve throbbed with pain. Yet she could find no release.

  Leda had gone off to bed early with the pretext of a headache and Michele had strolled till late with Boris, trying to piece together the shattered remnants of her life. She could understand well enough everything that had happened. Leda's giving in to please her. And even more so, Leda's disappointment that Michele had accepted her surrender. In Leda's position, Michele knew that she would have felt no differently.

  Still, what the hell could she do now without making a fool of herself in the girl's eyes? Whether Leda liked it or not, Michele felt relieved that Leda would not be going to school. And in time she would forget. They both would.

  At least Michele tried to tell herself so. Yet, as she watched the girl sit up and reach to turn off the alarm, she knew that in her heart she did not believe it.

  Leda licked her lips and lay back against the pillows. "I thought you were going out to look for a job," she said.

  "I was," Michele said. "But I haven't had any sleep for two nights. And I have a head the size of a watermelon."

  "That makes two of us. But I guess we can't just sit here and complain all day." She swung her legs over the side of the bed. "I'll fix breakfast."

  "I’ll do it this morning," Michele said.

  "Why should you? I'm supposed to be the wife."

  Michele flushed. "Yeah, I know. But..."

  "Well?"

  "Look, you'd better go on and get dressed," Michele said. "You don't want to be late to class."

  Leda stood looking at her for a long moment. Her eyes were calm and bright. "Are you sure, Michele?"

  "Yes, I'm sure," Michele said. "Now get the hell out of here and get dressed."

  With a whoop, Leda was out of the
room and on her way to the john.

  Michele watched her go. She didn't know whether to smile or cry. Leda had never been that happy about being with her.

  She shoved the thought away and got up. She pulled on slacks and a shirt, then found an old pair of sneakers under the bed. She went on out to the kitchen.

  What would she say if Leda asked her to explain? There was little about her feelings at the moment that Michele could clearly define. She knew perfectly well that she did not feel any better about Leda going to class now than she had before. Still, she felt that she had no choice in the matter. For if she refused to allow the girl to go, she knew that their relationship would be permanently damaged. Not that Leda would hold it against her so much. But Michele knew that she would never forgive herself for having deprived the girl of the chance to amount to something on her own. Michele herself knew all too well the desperation that could come of being a nobody in a world of somebodies. And she felt that she could not make the girl suffer as she herself had done.

  Yet she had severe misgivings about her own ability to cope with the situation. Already she had wasted another day without looking for a job. They couldn't go on much longer unless one of them brought in a little money. And she knew that the only reason she had not gone was be-use she was worried about Leda. If only she could learn to accept...