Desperately Seeking Heaven

by Jill Steeples

  ‘They’ll miss you too, Jimmy,’ I said, barely able to keep a lid on the emotion bubbling beneath my skin. I felt privileged to be here at Jimmy’s side, but an all-pervading sense of sadness swept through me like a tidal wave.

  ‘Mum, Dad!’ he said, his voice breaking with emotion. There was no mistaking his parents, Rosemary and Michael, carrying themselves with a quiet dignity as they greeted the other mourners.

  I grabbed hold of Jimmy’s hand and squeezed it tight, biting on my lip to stop the tears from falling. The sight of his parents, their bodies clearly wracked with grief, was almost too much to witness.

  ‘You look just like your dad.’ The older more distinguished version of Jimmy looked across at me and although we’d never met before our eyes locked for a moment in what I hoped was a shared understanding and purpose.

  ‘Everyone says so.’ Jimmy gave a rueful smile. ‘I think I’m more like my mum in temperament though. We are very close, we were very close,’ he corrected himself. ‘And they are the perfect couple, they have the happiest of marriages. It was what I aspired to and I think probably the reason I never got round to settling down. I was hanging out for the One.’ Jimmy lifted my hand to his lips, brushing the lightest of kisses against my fingertips and I felt my whole body sway against him. ‘Thanks, Alice. For being here. It means so much.’

  ‘Come on,’ I said, smiling, wondering how I’d ever get through this day. ‘I think we probably need to go in now.’

  ‘It’s weird to think all these people have turned out for me.’ He paused, looking all around him. ‘Really weird. Half of them, I don’t even recognise.’

  ‘Well, they obviously know you, Jimmy. They’ve come to say goodbye. It just goes to show how much you meant to so many people.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he sighed, wistfully. ‘That’s pretty cool, isn’t it? Will you be OK if I wander off for a while? There’s something I need to do.’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ I whispered beneath my breath, not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention. ‘You go.’ I felt his fingers slip through mine and my heart knotted as I watched him leave.

  Surely the others would see him, I thought, my heart thumping in my chest. He was there, as apparent to me as the carved angels on the oak beams stretching across the ceiling and the tall stained-glass windows throwing sunlight down the nave, his distinctive rangy frame casting a seemingly huge shadow. I wanted to run after him, to call his name, to see him turn to look at me with that huge wide smile upon his face, but all I could do was look on helplessly.

  The sunlit patterns spreading down the aisle brought a flash of clarity. What if this was it? It hadn’t occurred to me before but it made perfect sense now. That his spirit should be reunited with his body in the beautiful surroundings of the majestic church with all the people he knew and loved around him seemed such a fitting tribute. The perfect solution to our problem too. And yet if this was it, I knew I’d be losing Jimmy forever. That I’d never get to see or speak to him again. My heart twisted in pain, my arms aching to reach out for him.

  He slipped into the space between his mother and father and his head fell onto his mum’s shoulder. I saw her turn towards him as if she knew he was there, the tension and grief held rigid in her shoulders escaping from her body in that moment. They stayed like that, perfectly still, completely at one with each other. With tears falling down my cheeks, I couldn’t drag my eyes away from them.

  It was a beautiful service, simple and touching. There were readings from his best friend and producer of his TV show, Justin Dawkins, and Paul, the next-door neighbour whose fragile emotions had the congregation hanging onto his every word. Ryan managed to lighten the mood with his tale of the antics of two schoolboys and friends, and the mischief and mayhem they managed to cause in the long summer holidays.

  ‘Jimmy was, as every single person here will know, a very special person. Not just through his on-screen persona, but as a son, grandson, colleague and, of course, a friend.’ He paused, biting on his lip, his eyes moistened with emotion. ‘He was my best friend. Even as a young boy that special quality that would be so evident in his later life to so many people could be seen shining through. He was, to my great displeasure at the time, a bit of a golden boy. Top of the class in all his subjects, a great sportsman, a talented musician, an accomplished dressmaker…’ he paused, waiting for the expected ripple of laughter. ‘I kid you not. Oh yes, I had more than enough reasons to dislike him, but however much I tried, and believe me, I tried, I just couldn’t do anything more than love Jimmy, in a very manly way, you understand.’

  I could see Jimmy joining in with the laughter, enjoying his moment amongst the people who knew and loved him best. I felt humbled to be part of this day. Over the last ten days I’d got to know Jimmy, the man behind the public façade, but being here today gave me an even deeper insight into his huge and warm personality.

  Even so, I was relieved when the service was over and we could all file out into the sunshine. I felt someone grab hold of my wrist.

  I spun round to face Jimmy, never being so relieved to see anyone in my life.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he asked, concern drawn on his features.

  I nodded mutely, not trusting myself to speak in earshot of the other mourners, trying hard to keep a lid on the sheer pleasure I felt at seeing him again. With a barely imperceptible tilt of my head I indicated to Jimmy to follow me to a quiet spot beneath the canopy of the yew tree away from the milling crowds.

  ‘Wasn’t it a wonderful service? So touching. I thought…’ Tears pricked at the back of my eyes, relief flooding through my bones that he was still here talking to me, swiftly followed by guilt that I was thinking only of myself. ‘Oh Jimmy!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I thought you’d gone. Seeing you in the church amongst your friends, your coffin, I thought I might never see you again.’

  ‘And here I am,’ he said, holding his arms open wide, a big grin on his face as though this whole thing was a huge joke. ‘You don’t get rid of me that easily!’ His hand touched my face. ‘Come on,’ he said, guiding me by the elbow through the throng.

  Wandering through the crowds I felt like a fraud. As if I was intruding on something I had no right to be involved in, like a gatecrasher at a party. I hung back, trying to blend in with the old stone walls of the church, but Jimmy wasn’t having any of that.

  ‘There’s someone I want you to meet.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ I muttered, beneath my breath. What was he thinking? It wasn’t as if he could exactly introduce me to anyone. My eyes scanned the unfamiliar faces. People were milling, chatting, their shock almost palpable. And then the crowds suddenly cleared and we came to a halt and I found myself, self-conscious and blushing, in front of Jimmy’s mum and dad.

  ‘Hello, dear,’ she said, brandishing a smile every bit as bright and wide as her son’s, as she took my hand in hers. ‘Thank you so much for coming. Jimmy would have been so thrilled to see so many friendly faces here.’

  ‘Yes, wouldn’t he? I’m sure he’s here somewhere overseeing it all, wondering what all the fuss is about.’

  She threw back her head and laughed, the sadness in her eyes lifting for a moment.

  ‘I said exactly the same thing to Michael.’ Her husband squeezed her shoulder and gave me a warm smile. ‘When we were in the church I experienced the most peculiar sensation. An overwhelming sense of peace and harmony came over me. I’m sure Jimmy was there at my side, telling me that everything would be OK. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s absolutely true.’

  ‘No, not at all!’ I only wished I could tell her the truth. That Jimmy had indeed been at her side, but they would all have laughed me out of the church.

  ‘Jimmy loved a good do. Were you a friend of his…?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ I said, momentarily taken aback. ‘I knew Jimmy from London. We’d only recently got to know each other, but we were…’ I faltered.

  ‘Good friends,’ Jimmy whispered in my ea
r.

  ‘Good friends,’ I repeated, smiling wryly, sadness filling my heart. ‘I’m Alice. Alice Fletcher. I’m so pleased I could be here today, to be part of this.’

  ‘Yes, it was a marvellous service wasn’t it?’ She paused, a heavy silence filling the air, her eyes moistened with tears. ‘Are you coming to the pub for a drink and a bite to eat?’

  Jimmy took my arm and shook his head.

  ‘No, I won’t thank you.’ It felt rude to be saying no, but Jimmy was very insistent when he wanted to be. ‘I’m sure you’ll struggle to get all these people in as it is and I really must get back to London.’

  ‘Of course. Well, we’re very grateful to you for coming, aren’t we, Michael? And if you’re ever up this way, then you must promise to pop in and see us. You know where we live, don’t you? Honeysuckle Cottage on the village green. You can’t miss us.’

  ‘Thank you. I’d like that.’

  I felt a pang of regret for chatting with Jimmy’s parents so very briefly, our paths crossing fleetingly, knowing that, in reality, we probably wouldn’t meet up again. Why would we, without Jimmy being around? And yet here he was beside me, tugging at my hand, urging me to get a move on, playing an ever increasing role in my life.

  ‘Bye,’ I said, the word catching in the back of my throat.

  She didn’t hear me. Rosemary and Michael had moved on, greeting the next group of people who’d come to pay their respects to their son and I was able to slip away, following Jimmy through the shadows of the churchyard.

  Chapter Eight

  ‘What are you doing in there?’

  ‘I’ll be out in a minute,’ I called, from the other side of the bedroom door, sinking dejectedly onto the bed. Not only did I have to find something suitable to wear from the pile of rags on my bed, but I then I had to go and face my very discerning house guest who had an unnerving habit of hovering with intent. Now I knew why I enjoyed the single life so much. Not having to worry about anybody’s opinion but my own. I threw on my jeans and long tunic top in an exotic floral print rejected earlier because they were far too casual, but in the absence of anything better, I deemed them perfect for a night in the pub.

  ‘Alice, come out! I’m getting very bored out here.’

  Quickly, I applied a lick of mascara, a brush of bronzer and a smearing of lip gloss and opened the bedroom door.

  ‘Whoa, look at you!’ Jimmy reeled backwards from the door, taking in my appearance. ‘Very nice,’ he said appraisingly.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, blushing.

  ‘I thought I’d do us a stir fry. Will only take a few minutes and then we can settle down and watch I’m a Celebrity. Personally, I can’t see why anyone would put themselves through the humiliation of being on that show, but I know a couple of the people on it tonight so it should be good for a laugh. Oh and I picked up some of your favourites!’ He held up a couple of shiny bags of chocolates to tempt me.

  I shook my head, smiling indulgently. The apparent ease with which Jimmy seemed able to source all manner of things; chocolate, wine, specialist cheeses, was something of a worry.

  ‘Where did you get those?’

  ‘Oh don’t worry about it. My treat. It’s really quite easy to get hold of things here if you know how.’

  ‘Jimmy? Please don’t tell me you stole them.’

  ‘Alice, really! What do you take me for? A common thief? No, I didn’t steal them. I just did a bit of judicious stock taking down at the local supermarket. No one’s any the wiser!’

  ‘That is shocking, Jimmy,’ I said, laughing. ‘Really, what would your legion of fans say if they knew?’

  ‘Ah well, that just goes to show how circumstances change. One day I’m a highly successful TV presenter, the next I’m an impoverished ghost. Needs must and all that. But don’t worry, no one will be held accountable. All the paperwork is present and correct!’

  ‘Well. Thank you. I think. I’ll save them for later if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Oh right, of course.’ Jimmy’s grey eyes narrowed and his shoulders slumped as he looked me up and down again in that way that did funny things to my insides.

  ‘You’re out tonight, aren’t you? I’d completely forgotten.’ His tone was light but his disappointment was palpable and I don’t know if it was the way he looked at me or the promise of that stir fry, but I realised the last thing I wanted to do was to go out and leave him behind.

  Thinking about it, after the emotional trauma of yesterday’s funeral, I was being heartless even considering it. I was his only friend in the world and my priority had to be looking after him. There’d be plenty of time for socialising after he’d left. That was if he ever left.

  I peeled off my jacket and hung it over the back of a chair.

  ‘Well, I was meant to be,’ I said, trying to make it sound as though it was no big deal, ‘but to be honest I really don’t fancy it now.’ I was sure Damon would understand. There’d be loads of people at his leaving do and it would be unlikely he’d even notice I was missing. I’d text him later to explain. ‘The offer of dinner and a night in front of the box sounds much more appealing.’

  ‘No. Don’t go changing your plans on my account. You look stunning, you should go out and enjoy yourself. I’ll be fine here on my own. I might even look up a few old friends.’

  ‘That settles it then,’ I said laughing. ‘I’m definitely not going out now. I don’t think you should wander too far from home. It might not be safe out there and it might muck up our plans to get you over to the other side.’

  I looked across at the dining table. It had been laid with a heavy white linen cloth, a candle was flickering at the centre and with the lights dimmed it created a mellow, romantic atmosphere.

  ‘Besides,’ I added, ‘tonight will be the perfect opportunity.’

  ‘A perfect opportunity for what?

  ‘To have a séance! You’ve been here for over a week now, Jimmy, and there’s no sign of you being moved over. I’m worried the longer it goes on the harder it will be to make the transition. Let’s ask the spirits for help. I’ve had a look on the internet, it all seems quite straightforward. And if anyone can give us some answers it will be them.’

  Jimmy frowned, giving me a scathing look.

  ‘Absolutely not, Alice. Promise me you’ll never try that. Don’t you know how dangerous those things can be? We might make contact with the wrong type of spirits entirely and get ourselves into a whole heap of trouble. You don’t know what you’re messing with.’ He stormed over to the fridge, yanked open the door and pulled out some vegetables. ‘Are you really that desperate to get rid of me?’

  ‘No, it isn’t that, Jimmy. You can stay for as long as it takes.’ I paused, looking across at him, his arms laden with food, my heart tugging at the hurt expression on his face. ‘I love having you here and, oh my God, it will be so quiet and lonely when you’re gone, but I know that you don’t really belong here. This isn’t fair on you. Aren’t you desperate to get wherever it is you should be going?’

  He shrugged, the corners of his mouth twisting in a smile.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, I quite like it here,’ he said softly. He released the ingredients in his arms onto the worktop and wandered over to where I was standing. He stood opposite me, and grabbed my arms, his gaze penetrating my face.

  ‘I’m sorry. I know it must seem as though I’m not being very pro-active in getting myself out of your hair, but that’s only because I don’t believe there’s anything I can do. I don’t think it’s one of those things you can force. Don’t ask me how I know that. It’s just something I feel inside here.’

  He tapped his heart with his fist, his sincerity shining through.

  ‘I think when the time is right, I’ll be taken across regardless of anything you or I might be doing. And I honestly don’t think it will take that long. A couple of weeks at the most. Do you think you can put up with me until them?’

  ‘Of course I can. It’s not about that. It’s just that I f
eel responsible for you. It’s as though I’ve been handed this task of looking after you, of making sure you get to your spiritual home, and I feel completely frustrated that I’m unable to live up to that task. I feel like a failure if you must know. If I’d been at work, I’d have probably been sacked by now.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ he said with a smile, stroking my hair away from my face. He was that close I could smell his masculine scent, see the pores of his skin and feel his breath on my face. The air between us sizzled with electricity. ‘You’ve been doing a brilliant job at looking after me. I’ll tell you something, some of the five-star hotels I’ve stayed in haven’t been half as good as this place. And it’s not as though you haven’t tried getting rid of me. That ceremony in the field with that irate farmer was inspired! Why it didn’t work I have no idea!’

  ‘Oh stop it!’ I felt my face flush with heat at the memory. Or was it from the close proximity of Jimmy? I wasn’t sure. I only knew my stomach was tense with anxiety and desire. I didn’t want to admit to Jimmy just how much he had come to mean to me in such a short space of time. He had enough to think about without worrying about me and the silly crush I was nursing. Being a TV star, I guessed he was used to that kind of attention, but in his current predicament I was certain it was the last thing he needed. I sighed and gave a rueful shrug. ‘I’ll never live that one down, will I?’

  ‘Well, at least I’ll go to my final resting place with a big smile on my face.’ My stomach plummeted, I hated it when he joked about this whole thing.

  ‘Oh come on,’ he said, putting an arm around my shoulder. ‘Don’t look like that.’

  My eyes closed and my entire body fired with the closeness of his touch, before he abruptly pulled away. His gaze lingered on my face and I wondered if I’d imagined the flash of desire stirring in his eyes. ‘I should get the dinner started,’ he said, quietly.

  As he turned away leaving me with my arms aching with emptiness, my gaze flickered over at the table. The séance had been a rotten idea. A romantic dinner for two sounded much much better.