Desperately Seeking Heaven

by Jill Steeples

  ‘No, he bloody well hadn’t!’ was Jimmy’s emphatic response to that one.

  Ordinarily, I’d have been as enthralled as the next person flicking through the paper with some spare time on their hands, but with a disgruntled spook looking over my shoulder, I had to at least pretend to be disinterested.

  ‘There are some lovely photos of you here though,’ I said brightly. ‘Look.’

  ‘For God’s sake, Alice, is that supposed to make me feel better? A few poxy photos. By running this story, they’re ruining my reputation. Lord knows it would have been so easy to go out with a whole string of these girls.’ He stabbed a dismissive finger at a photo of Donna Diamond. ‘But I deliberately kept away from that whole party scene. I didn’t want to be part of a celebrity couple opening my personal life up to the magazines in the way some people do. I wanted something more than that. Something real. I was holding out for that. I told you that, didn’t I?’ His voice drifted away and I could hear the frustration colouring his words.

  ‘I know,’ I said, clutching my arms around my waist. ‘I know.’

  He held my gaze, looking at me imploringly. A heat rose in my cheeks.

  ‘Look.’ He scrabbled around in his trouser pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper. ‘I’ve got all her details here, phone numbers, address, email. You can contact her, yeah. Talk to her. Make her see sense.’ A light shone in his eyes; excitement, hope or something else I couldn’t be sure. But I knew one thing. I couldn’t be the person to dampen that light. I had to be one to make sure that the light kept shining for as long as Jimmy was at my side.

  A lot of my conversations had turned into the difficult variety over these last few weeks, but tonight’s with Lexie would be taking the difficult conversation scenario to a whole new level.

  Thankfully the pizzeria was buzzing for a weekday evening. It meant we could talk without being overheard. The sort of stuff I had to raise with Lexie wasn’t the sort of thing you wanted tripping off the tongues of the locals and echoing down the High Street.

  ‘So come on,’ she said, as soon as we were tucking into our bowls of Spaghetti alla Vongole, ‘what’s this all about, Alice? I’ve been dying to know.’

  ‘Well…’ I picked up the wine bottle from the middle of the table and topped up our glasses. ‘It’s a bit delicate, actually.’

  She dropped her head to one side, her expression a mix of concern and bewilderment.

  ‘Oh come on, Alice, whatever it is, you know you can tell me. I’m unshockable.’

  ‘Well…’ I started again. Perhaps if I blurted it all out quickly it might seem remotely believable. ‘You know all that business about Jimmy Mack and…’

  Lexie interrupted before I had a chance to explain.

  ‘You’re not still going on about him? That’s old news, Alice.’ She reached across and grabbed my wrist, a look of concern upon her face. ‘Really, Alice, do you not think you’re taking this whole thing a bit too seriously? I know you liked the guy, but you’re in danger of becoming obsessive about him.’

  ‘No,’ I pleaded. ‘You don’t understand. I…’

  ‘You’re right there.’ She leaned back in her chair, giving me a doubtful look. ‘I don’t understand.’

  We sat in silence for a few moments, eyeing each other warily, before I took a deep breath.

  ‘It’s just that I know for a fact that all that rubbish Donna Diamond was spouting in the papers the other week about her relationship with Jimmy is simply not true. She’s not carrying his baby, it’s all a load of lies.’

  ‘But how can you possibly…?’

  Now it was my turn to interrupt. I held up my hand to stop her.

  ‘I know, Lexie. Trust me. And I know too how much all the gossip and lies are hurting Jimmy, damaging his memory.’

  ‘OK, I can accept that it might not be true, but what I can’t understand is why you’re so upset about it. I mean, what’s it to you? It wasn’t as if you were a huge fan of his when he was alive.’

  I sighed inwardly. How could Lexie possibly understand? If I’d been in her shoes, I would have felt equally puzzled by such erratic behaviour.

  ‘The thing is,’ I said, leaning over the table conspiratorially, ‘I have a connection with Jimmy.’

  Lexie’s fork stopped in mid-air, her eyes growing wide. Great. Now I had her full and undivided attention.

  ‘You know,’ I went on, ‘a spiritual connection. I talk to Jimmy.’

  ‘Oh good grief,’ exclaimed my sister, dropping her fork into the pasta bowl. ‘This has gone way too far, darling. You need some help. You’re obviously depressed or something. Too much time spent alone, probably. Don’t worry, sweetie,’ she said, her fingers interlocking with mine over the table. ‘We’re going to get some help for you, get you properly sorted.’

  I yanked my hand away, sitting up crossly.

  ‘I’m not depressed and I don’t need help. Well, not the sort of help you’re suggesting anyway. I know it’s hard to believe and I’m not quite sure how it’s happened and I really wish it hadn’t happened, but I am in contact with Jimmy and I’ve made a promise to him. And I’m determined to keep that promise. I hoped you might help me, but if you won’t then I’ll just have to sort it out for myself.’

  Lexie nodded, adopting an uncharacteristically sympathetic expression. One you might use on the realisation that you’re in the company of a mentally unhinged person. She shifted uneasily in her chair.

  ‘So, um, do you hear voices then?’ she ventured.

  ‘No, not voices. Just Jimmy’s voice.’

  ‘Ah, I see.’

  ‘No, you don’t see, Lexie. I’m not on the verge of some mental breakdown if that’s what you’re thinking.’

  ‘O-K, but help me out here, Alice. It’s all sounding a bit freaky from where I’m standing. You speak to Jimmy Mack? A dead man. How does that work?’

  Relief rushed through my bones. It felt wonderful just to be able to say the words out loud even if Lexie was looking at me as though I’d completely lost the plot. Maybe, just maybe, she would be able to make a difference. For me and for Jimmy. For weeks I’d hugged this huge secret to myself, not knowing which way to turn, and now I had the chance to share it with my sister. She would help, wouldn’t she?

  ‘I know it sounds freaky, but it isn’t really.’ I shuffled my chair closer to the table. ‘Not when you get used to the idea. I met Jimmy the day he died. He’d had an accident. In his car. Oh, um…’ I giggled at the ridiculousness of my words. ‘Well, of course he’d had an accident, everyone knows that now, only I didn’t know he was dead at the time. I mean, it’s not the sort of thing you normally think about when you meet someone for the first time, is it? You sort of take it for granted that they’re alive. Obviously that bit came as a shock, finding out he was dead.’

  ‘Obviously,’ she said, nodding her head slowly.

  ‘Only when I got talking to him and got to know him better, I soon forgot that he was dead.’

  ‘Right. Yes. I can see how you might.’

  I paused for breath, taking another mouthful of wine. I looked across at Lexie who was gawping at me like a stunned rabbit, all doe-eyed and vulnerable. Her mouth gaped open and shut, as if she was about to say something, but when nothing was forthcoming, I continued.

  ‘The thing is there was a bit of a problem with Jimmy moving over to the other side.’ Lexie’s startled gaze followed my finger as it pointed upwards. ‘We couldn’t think why he’d got stuck here with me, it didn’t make any sense, but obviously I said he could stay until we found a way to move him over.’

  ‘Jimmy is staying at your flat?’ she said in a barely recognisable voice.

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded wildly. ‘And then when we found out that Donna Diamond was spreading all those awful lies about him, well, everything fell into place. Jimmy has to clear his name, that’s what this is all about. It’s obvious that he needs to sort out this horrible business with Donna before he’ll be allowed to move over. The trouble is
he can’t do that on his own. I’ve been chosen to help him. When I saw how upset Jimmy was about the whole thing, I agreed to go and see Donna. We have to make her retract her statement.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Yes. You and me. You have to help me, Lexie? There isn’t anyone else I can ask. Please?’

  Distractedly, I waved away the waitress who’d arrived bearing dessert menus, my eyes gazing imploringly at Lexie.

  ‘Please tell me this is a wind-up,’ she asked hopefully. ‘Some kind of a joke. Ha ha. Very funny.’ She didn’t look the remotest bit amused though.

  ‘It’s no joke!’ I said, exasperated. It was impossible. What on earth could I do to make Lexie understand?

  A prickly silence hung over us and I was just beginning to think that this whole idea had been stupid and we should both go home and try to forget that we had ever had this frankly weird conversation, when a familiar scent wafted past my nose. Musky, woody and very masculine.

  ‘Jimmy!’ I never thought I’d be so pleased to see my ghostly house-mate. He pulled out a chair from the next table and placed it in between Lexie and me. Her chin hit the floor as her gaze followed the approaching chair, complete incomprehension painting her features. I flung an arm out and made a show of wiggling the chair back and forth for the benefit of the curious stares from the other diners, grinning like a demented ghost whisperer all the time.

  ‘Oh, Jimmy,’ I breathed, dropping my head into my hands. ‘I’m really sorry. I know I shouldn’t have said anything, but I didn’t know what else to do. I just can’t cope with this on my own any more and I thought Lexie might be able to help.’ I shook my head ruefully, thinking I’d made a big mistake. Lexie clearly thought I was way past helping, the way she was gawping at me.

  ‘Hey, don’t worry about it,’ Jimmy said, leaning over and kissing my cheek lightly. I felt my cheeks flush with warmth. It must have had something to do with his heavenly status, but every time he touched me, it sent electrifying shivers rippling through my body. I was just relieved he wasn’t cross with me. I felt certain I’d breached some spiritual regulation by offloading my secret.

  Lexie’s eyes were wide as she looked from me to the chair, then she coughed, clearing her throat.

  ‘Are you, um, talking to your friend now?’ She loaded the words with such mistrust and scepticism I half expected the men in white coats to appear from out of the woodwork.

  ‘Yes, Lexie. Now do you believe me? Jimmy’s here with us now.’

  ‘Pleased to meet you. Formally, that is,’ said Jimmy nodding in her direction. I giggled, looking between them both.

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘Jimmy’s just said hello to you,’ I said, sitting back in my chair and smiling smugly.

  ‘Huh, if that’s the case, then why can’t I see or hear him?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ I buried my head in my hands. I wanted to scream. To throw myself on the floor and kick my legs in the air, but I knew that would be a step too far even for Lexie. But how the hell did I know why I was seemingly the only person in the world who could see and hear Jimmy?

  ‘I don’t know what’s going on, Alice, but all this attention-seeking behaviour, it’s really not very funny any more.’

  Just then Jimmy leaned over the other way, blew in Lexie’s ear and picked up her hand, planting a very gallant kiss on her fingertips.

  ‘Oh my God,’ she screamed, swatting away an imaginary fly, ‘what the hell was that?’

  I burst into peals of laughter. Thank goodness for that. It was awful, but just looking at Lexie jumping around in her seat, panic set on her face, made me feel so much better and I felt the relief flooding through my bones.

  ‘That was Jimmy,’ I explained, still laughing. ‘Don’t worry about it though. Once you get to know him, you’ll see what a great guy he really is.’

  ‘Where is he now?’ Lexie had adopted a twitch and a pale expression. She kept looking furtively over each shoulder, shivering exaggeratedly.

  We’d come back to my flat for a nightcap as she was in no fit state to go home. She’d gone all shivery and shaky like the heroine in a badly made horror movie and was sitting on my sofa, her arms hugging her knees into her chest. It made me smile seeing her so uncharacteristically lost for words, but then I remembered the bewilderment I’d felt when I first found out a ghost had become my new best friend. That sort of news takes some getting used to.

  ‘It’s all right, he’s sitting over there in the armchair.’ Jimmy gave a friendly wave from across the room as he helped himself to some Nachos from a bowl.

  ‘Oh good grief,’ she sighed, her eyes alighting on the diminishing stack of crisps. ‘Well, just as long as he stays over there please. And can you tell him not to do the whole creeping up on me thing? That’s seriously freaky.’

  ‘OK,’ I said, gravely, shooting Jimmy a warning look. If we wanted Lexie to help then we needed to keep her on side. At least I had the benefit of seeing Jimmy and being able to talk to him. Even after just a short while I’d stopped thinking of him as some weird being from another place, he was simply the man who shared my life, with all that that entailed, plus a few added complications to make things even more interesting.

  For Lexie, he was just a light wisp of air and the subject of my inane mutterings. No wonder she was freaked out.

  ‘So how long is he planning on staying for?’ She looked at me warily from over the top of her mug of coffee.

  ‘Well, that’s the thing, we don’t know. Obviously there’s a reason why he hasn’t been able to make his journey over to the other side, some reason why he’s stuck here with me. But we didn’t know what that was until now.’

  I sighed. Talking about it with someone other than Jimmy for the first time brought home to me what an insurmountable problem I had on my hands.

  ‘We investigated a couple of options for getting him moved on, but none of them worked.’

  ‘Oh, give me a guitar and I’ll play you a few tunes on my way.’

  ‘We thought at first it might be a case of just waiting for the right moment,’ I said, completely ignoring Jimmy’s quip.

  ‘I see. And you want me to help you get rid of him? Exorcise him, kind of thing.’

  ‘Whoa!’ Jimmy jumped up, making the sign of a cross with his fingers towards Lexie. ‘I’m not sure I like your sister’s approach.’

  I giggled.

  ‘I don’t think we need to do anything quite so drastic. When all this stuff with Donna appeared in the paper, that’s when we realised why he’s got stuck here. She can’t be allowed to get away with such blatant lies. It’s really hurtful to Jimmy. They didn’t even sleep together.’

  ‘Bitch,’ Lexie said, with feeling.

  ‘Right on!’ agreed Jimmy.

  ‘Exactly!’ I added. ‘Jimmy’s managed to get hold of her contact details so I thought we could ring her and arrange to meet her.’

  ‘And you really think she’s going to agree to meet up with us when she has no idea who we are or what we want? Why should she when there’s nothing in it for her? I should imagine she won’t do anything without demanding a fee upfront.’

  ‘She has a point,’ offered Jimmy.

  ‘No, what we need to do is run into her at one of her regular hang-outs. Make it seem like a chance meeting. That way we can take her unawares, she won’t have a chance to come up with any excuses when we confront her with the truth.’

  I beamed. Everything seemed so much more manageable with Lexie on the case.

  ‘So does that mean you’ll help me?’ I asked, already knowing the answer.

  Lexie sighed, shaking her head wryly.

  ‘It doesn’t look as though I’ve got much choice in the matter, does it?’

  Chapter Eleven

  ‘Would you hang on a moment, I can barely walk in these things let alone run!’

  Lexie and I were running, or rather tottering in my case, down Kensington High Street. The light rain that had started less than ten minutes ago h
ad taken on the ferocity of a force ten gale and my floaty skirt and skimpy top clung woefully inadequately to my body. Shivering with cold, my goose bumps had goose bumps on them, I cursed after Lexie’s departing figure.

  ‘I knew this was a bad idea. Why didn’t we just wait outside in the car? At least we could have kept warm and jumped out when we saw her.’

  ‘Yes, but what if there’s some sort of back entrance? You know, for the celebs. And even if she does come out the front, she’s bound to have some heavy looking out for her. No, at least if we get into the club we have the opportunity of speaking to her alone.’

  What had seemed like a brilliant idea a few days ago now seemed like the worst idea I’d ever had and I’d had a few bad ones in my time.

  ‘Oh, but I look so trashy,’ I’d sighed earlier when Lexie had turned up, insisting I change out of my old faithful black trouser and jumper, taking a pair of scissors to my very old and much-loved floral maxi summer dress, transforming it into something that would have made my mother blush.

  A few moments later, in my makeshift skirt, the tiniest of strappy tops and a pair of death-defying high heels, Lexie considered I was ready.

  ‘Cinderella will go the ball,’ she pronounced proudly.

  ‘More like the ugly sister,’ I said sulkily. ‘Just so long as I don’t bump into anyone I know. That would be embarrassing.’

  Judging by the number of wolf-whistles and tooting of car horns we attracted navigating the London pavements, I was under no apprehension as to how I was looking and it wasn’t demure or sweet. Trashy was definitely high up there. Now, hovering in a shop doorway trying to find some refuge from the arctic conditions, I cursed Lexie again. My nicely straightened hair had taken on an unbecoming frizz and I was convinced I might die at any moment from hypothermia.

  ‘Shall we just forget it and go home? Maybe we can phone Donna and arrange an appointment to see her or send her a letter or something. Like any sensible person would.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, we’re nearly there now. Come on,’ she urged, grabbing me by the arm. ‘We want to get in before the crowds arrive, get the best vantage point.’