Desperately Seeking Heaven

by Jill Steeples

  On the right person.

  Only I wasn’t the right person, I thought sighing wistfully.

  From years of bitter experience, I knew that finding a dress to fit my decidedly off-the-peg figure wasn’t nearly as simple as Jimmy might have imagined. There was always some part of my body, my big boobs, my long body or the too wide hips, that took exception to any outfit that I tried on which was why, invariably, I ended up going home empty-handed from any shopping blitz. Never in a million years would this beautiful dress ever fit me.

  ‘Where did you get it from though? You’re not going to try and tell me this has come from the supermarket too?’

  ‘No, don’t be silly, Alice. I ran it up on the sewing machine.’

  ‘Oh yeah, right! Now who’s being silly? Come on, tell me! I can’t possibly accept anything that’s come from some dodgy underworld dealing. I don’t mind keeping company with a ghost, but I don’t want to be arrested as an accessory for handling stolen goods.’

  Jimmy raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

  ‘You have an overactive imagination, do you know that? I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not involved in any dodgy dealings. I’ve told you, I made the dress. If you don’t want it you only have to say so.’

  ‘You made it? No way! How did you do that?’

  ‘Well, first I pinned the pattern on the material and then…’

  ‘No! Not how did you make it, just how did you manage to do that? I don’t understand.’

  ‘When I went to my mum’s. It’s been a few years since I’ve used a sewing machine, but after a few false starts, it all came back to me. My mum’s a dressmaker by trade. I learnt to sew when I was very young.’

  ‘Are you serious? That is so cool.’

  ‘Not when I was a kid, it wasn’t!’ His warm laugh caressed me. ‘I quickly gave up sewing when I started getting grief from the lads at school, but it’s one of those things that stays with you. I wanted you to have something special for the ball and this was the only way I knew how.’

  ‘You did that for me?’ My heart swelled. ‘Where did you get the material from? And the pattern?’

  ‘The material was from mum’s attic, she has a whole stash up there, and the pattern. Well, don’t you recognise the design? You said how much you liked the dress. That’s why I chose it.’ He picked up the glossy magazine on the coffee table and opened it to the centre double-page spread showing celebrities at a recent awards ceremony.

  ‘Oh my God, it’s the same dress! And you made it? I can’t believe it. That is so amazing, Jimmy. Thank you so much.’

  ‘My pleasure. Aren’t you going to try it on then?’

  And now I’d have to let Jimmy down. After all the trouble he’d been to as well.

  ‘I will do, later,’ I said, carefully placing the dress back in its tissue.

  ‘No. Go and pop it on now. I insist. While I’m doing the tea. I’m dying to see what it will look like on. When I saw that colour I just knew, instinctively, that it would suit you.’

  I smiled, weakly. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. At least Jimmy would see with his own eyes the futility of the situation.

  ‘Won’t be a minute then,’ I said, wandering back into the bedroom. Trying on clothes was a nightmare at the best of times, but with a willing and enthusiastic audience waiting, it only made matters much worse. I slipped off my robe and stepped into the dress. Surprisingly, it didn’t get stuck over my hips or around my tummy and zipped up easily at the back. It felt gloriously feminine and delicate against my skin, the soft folds of fabric swishing around my body, my bare nipples reacting to its silky touch. I spun round to examine my reflection in the mirror and gasped. I stepped forward, peering into the glass, my hand instinctively reaching out to the unfamiliar image checking it was really me. Amazing. The dress fitted perfectly. The fluted sleeves sat perfectly on my shoulders and the red silk fabric swept over my body accentuating my breasts and waist and hips. It could have been tailor-made.

  ‘Are you all right in there?’ Jimmy called from the kitchen.

  ‘Yes,’ I said, suddenly feeling shy. ‘I’m just coming.’

  Slowly I eased open the door and walked towards Jimmy in the living room.

  ‘What do you think then?’ I asked, giving him a self-conscious twirl.

  ‘Woah!’ Jimmy, his eyes wide, dropped the tea towel he was holding to the floor. ‘You look fan-bloody-tastic. Amazing!’ He let out a long slow whistle, shaking his head. ‘I knew the dress would suit you, but I couldn’t have imagined this… wow is all I can say!’

  I laughed, embarrassed. I had no make-up on and my hair was still damp, clinging to the sides of my face unflatteringly.

  ‘But how did you get the sizing right? I can never find anything to fit me and this, I don’t believe it but it fits like a glove. It could have been made for me.’

  ‘It was made for you, Alice. By me. Your measurements, I have them all up here, imprinted on my brain.’ He tapped the side of his heading, smiling, and the thought of him knowing my body so intimately made my insides melt with desire.

  ‘Oh my God, I have my very own Tailor of Gloucester living with me.’

  I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek, his musky masculine scent reaching my nostrils.

  Jimmy threw back his head and laughed.

  ‘I’m just glad you like it,’ he went on. ‘Cinderella will go to the ball after all! Now go, take it off!’ A seductive smile rested on his lips, but his masterful tone and the dark dangerous look in his eye sent a swirl of heightened anticipation coursing through my body.

  A few nights ago when I went to that club with Lexie I was definitely the ugly sister but in this wonderful dress made by Jimmy, basking in the glow of his adoration, I could definitely imagine myself as Cinderella. The only trouble was I was certain my very own Prince Charming would be doing a bunk anytime soon.

  Chapter Sixteen

  ‘Look at you!’ Tara from Accounts made a beeline for me across the busy foyer, lifting my arms up wide and looking me up and down. ‘Don’t you scrub up well?’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, blushing pink. I suppose the transformation was a bit extreme. From sober-suited PA to glitzy reluctant sex-kitten, even I was surprised by the result. ‘I thought I’d better make the effort.’

  ‘Well, you’ve certainly done that. I love your dress. It’s fabulous. Tell me, where did you get it from?’

  I smiled smugly, thinking of Jimmy’s proud face when he’d handed over the gown. What could I say? That my very own live-in ghost had made it for me? I’m sure Tara thought me a bit stand-offish as it was. I didn’t want her thinking I was completely doolally as well.

  ‘Oh, I found it in a little boutique in… in the country.’

  ‘Really? Whereabouts?’

  ‘Um… close to where my aunt lives. A small village. In the middle of nowhere. I’m sure you’ve never heard of it.’

  She raised a doubtful eyebrow at me.

  ‘Nanchester… dale,’ I said, with as much conviction as I could muster. I just hoped to goodness she didn’t know such a place.

  ‘Hmmm, you’re right, I’ve never heard of it. You’ll have to give me the details sometime. I’m always on the lookout for exciting new designers.’

  ‘Sorry to interrupt, Alice…’ Just at the right moment Simon appeared at my side accompanied by a very familiar face, ‘can I introduce you to Barney Roberts?’

  I’d never been so pleased to see anyone before in my life. Hopefully neither of them would give a flying fig about where I did my shopping.

  ‘Hello, Barney. It’s lovely to meet you. Thanks so much for stepping in at such short notice. We’re really delighted to have you here.’

  ‘My pleasure,’ smiled Barney, his gaze landing on my cleavage and almost taking up residence there. ‘But with such a generous fee offered, you made it very difficult for me to refuse,’ he laughed.

  Jimmy had waived the five-figure sum, donating it in
stead to the company’s charity, but obviously Barney had no such qualms about accepting the fee.

  ‘And I get to sit next to the most beautiful woman in the room,’ he said, taking me by the arm. ‘This gig just gets better and better.’

  We sat down at our table, with me sandwiched between Barney and Simon. On the other side of Barney was the head of Human Resources, Janine Malin, but after a cursory hello, Barney pointedly turned his back on her and focused all his attentions on me. I edged my chair away from him as discreetly as I could.

  Funny to think that had it not been for Jimmy’s tragic accident, I would have been meeting him for the first time tonight instead of Barney. The thought was surreal. I’d got to know Jimmy as a ghostly presence, coming to love his easy charm and self-deprecating humour, but as I was his only ally in the strange world he inhabited, our relationship had been unnaturally intense, intimate even. Without us being thrown together in such unusual circumstances, would our relationship ever have got beyond first base? Would I have liked Jimmy or been irritated by him, like I was being irritated by Barney now?

  He’d edged his chair back closer to mine and was giving me a blow-by-blow account of his career history, the people he knew and generally just how marvellous he was. In the flesh, Barney Roberts was much smaller, scrawnier and infinitely less likeable than he appeared on screen. Jimmy had been right. His proximity made my skin crawl. I couldn’t imagine what it was I ever saw in him.

  ‘What people don’t realise is that I was being lined up to take over Jimmy Mack’s daytime show, even before he died.’

  ‘Really?’ Hearing Jimmy’s name bandied about so casually brought me up with a start.

  ‘Oh yeah, Jimmy was definitely on his way out as one of the major players on TV. He’d had his moment. Quite honestly, I can’t understand all the fuss there’s been about his death. I mean, he was clearly past his best. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that he went when he did. While he was still at the top of the game.’

  My mouth gaped open, but words failed to materialise. He’d only been dead for a matter of a few weeks. Didn’t the man have any respect at all?

  ‘Jimmy would never have fallen out of favour with the general public,’ I said, with a conviction I didn’t know I possessed. ‘The people loved him. He was a real superstar and a perfect gentleman too.’

  ‘Everything OK?’ Simon leaned across, smiling.

  ‘Absolutely fine,’ smiled Barney. ‘Although I think your beautiful secretary here might have preferred the company of your first choice tonight, Mr Jimmy Mack. She was something of a fan, I think.’ He laughed, showing off a full set of dazzling veneers.

  Simon raised his eyebrows at me, smiling questioningly.

  ‘Oh we were just saying what a shame it was about Jimmy. Such a lovely man.’ My gaze drifted around the room. Would I survive another couple of hours being stuck with this idiot, especially when he seemed unable to look me in the eye? I pulled my dress up at the front, clasping my hands together over my chest.

  ‘Yes, terrible. Do they know yet what caused the accident?’ Simon asked.

  ‘No, it’s all a bit of a mystery. Mind you, between you, me and the gatepost, I have a feeling that there was a lot of stuff we didn’t know about Jimmy Mack. I mean who’d have thought he was shagging Donna Diamond. The old rogue!’

  ‘You don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers, do you?’ I snapped. ‘Excuse me for a moment, would you please.’ I slid my chair backwards, eager to get away before I did or said something I knew I would regret, leaving Simon and Barney to their conversation.

  In the loos I was glad for a moment’s respite and was surprised to see from my reflection that I was looking uncharacteristically cool and polished and altogether like someone else much more sophisticated than me, despite my insides feeling like a quivering mess. What a slimeball Barney was, I thought as I wiped away a smudge of mascara from beneath my eye. Everything he said seemed to be a slight against Jimmy and he didn’t show one ounce of compassion towards his ex-work colleague. The man was so up himself, so full of his own self-importance, it was untrue. If it hadn’t been a work function, then I would have definitely told him where to go by now.

  Deep breaths, I told myself as I smoothed my hands down over my dress. I stopped for a moment and marvelled at the image of the girl looking back at me. The dress was stunning, there was no doubting that, but I recognised something else in my reflection, a glowing confidence and self-assurance that I was certain hadn’t been there a few weeks ago. Even when Jimmy wasn’t around, I felt protected by his warmth, enthusiasm and love. Putting up with a slimeball like Barney would be a doddle. Taking one last glance over my shoulder I left to face the next round. Only a few more hours to go, then I’d be back at home, regaling Jimmy with all the gory details.

  ‘Oh hi, sweetheart, I wondered where you’d got to.’

  ‘Barney!’ My voice rang out cheerfully, but a cold dread spread through my bones. He must have been lying in wait.

  ‘I’m sure that boss of yours is a great guy, but boy he’s so dreary. All that corporate bollocks is very dull. I don’t know how you put up with it day in and day out.’ He laughed, slipping his hand around my waist. ‘I followed your lead and made my excuses and left.’

  ‘Oh well, I only came out to get a breath of fresh air. We ought to get back.’ I firmly removed his hand. ‘We don’t want to miss the main course, do we?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he said, leaning forward and whispering in my ear, ‘I’m sure we could make our own entertainment.’

  I shuddered, giving him my very best disdainful look. He’d obviously learnt his seduction skills from a Carry On film.

  ‘Come on, they’ll be wondering where we’ve got to. And besides you’ve got a job to do!’

  ‘Oh God, woman, you’re such a spoilsport. Come on then. The sooner we get this over, the better as far as I’m concerned.’

  Well, at least we agreed on one thing. If Jimmy had been here in place of Barney, I just knew it would have been a totally different experience. Jimmy went out of his way to make everyone around him feel comfortable and at ease. And to think that I would have been getting to know a very different version of the Jimmy I now knew. Goose bumps ran the length of my arms.

  Back at our table, I was relieved when Janine managed to engage Barney in conversation. I was much happier chatting to Simon and his wife, Hannah, hearing about their plans for their forthcoming holiday rather than Barney’s self-obsessed mutterings.

  And aside from the small matter of Barney, the evening was turning out to be a great success. The chef at the Langton Hotel was Michelin starred and his menu of watercress soup, followed by a fricassee of black leg chicken, young leeks and cream of morels was deliciously sublime.

  By the time we’d finished our trio of puddings – passion fruit and mango cheesecake, a chocolate brownie and a clotted cream ice cream concoction – a buzz of excitement was building around the room in anticipation of the highlight of the evening, the charity auction.

  I’d been a bit worried about Barney because he’d been throwing back the champagne like it had been going out of fashion, but I needn’t have done. As soon as he stood up the professional entertainer in him took over and within seconds he had the entire crowd eating out of his hand.

  ‘Firstly, I’d like to thank Merron Enterprises for asking me to be a part of this magnificent event. I am delighted to be here, especially honoured to be standing here tonight in place of our much loved, recently departed Jimmy Mack.’ A respectful ripple of applause resonated around the room. ‘Please raise your glasses, ladies and gentlemen, to someone I was proud to call my friend, Mr Jimmy Mack.’

  Barney looked me straight in the eye as he lifted his glass, a smile resting on his lips. And I knew then that everything Jimmy had said about Barney had been true. He was a complete fake; insincere and dishonest and in the brief time I’d spent with him, I’d come to see both sides of his big personality. I felt a
pang of disloyalty to Jimmy for even being here with Barney. The audience might have been swayed by his display of affection for his recently departed colleague, but I knew it was all just an act, like Jimmy had warned.

  I was relieved when the auction was underway. Begrudgingly, I had to admit that Barney was very good at his job. From the first lot, he whipped up the interest of the audience and the bids flowed in from the off. Dinner for two at a top London restaurant, a weekend for two in Paris, tickets to a top theatre show, a Chanel handbag; the items came thick and fast and if there was ever a lull in the proceedings, Barney enthusiastically stirred up the audience eliciting as many bids as he could which was exactly what he’d been hired to do. This year the proceeds from the auction were being divided between a local children’s hospice and a drugs and alcohol rehabilitation centre so every penny really did count.

  ‘Fantastic,’ said Simon, in my ear. ‘We’re already well into five figures. At this rate we’re going to easily surpass last year’s total. Barney was definitely the right man for the job.’

  ‘Yes, wasn’t he?’ I said, trying to match his enthusiasm. I couldn’t help feeling though that I was betraying Jimmy’s memory. Bringing the hammer down on the final lot to enthusiastic applause, Barney stepped down from the stage and joined us back at the table. As the band started playing, he held out his hand towards me.

  ‘I think it’s in my contract that I can choose to have the first dance with the most beautiful woman in the room. Isn’t that right, Simon?’ He smiled at me as my boss nodded his agreement and I was aware of everyone’s eyes upon us.

  ‘I’d be delighted to,’ I said, walking onto the dance floor with a fixed grin upon my face, the muscles in my body rigid with tension, knowing I didn’t have any choice in the matter. I was thankful at least that it was an up-tempo number and not a slow smoochy one. Soon we were joined by loads of other revellers bopping to the music. The band rocked, playing a succession of old classics which kept everyone up on their feet. When I thought I was about to collapse in a heap on the floor I made my excuses to Barney.